"I"ll get up the chimney," replied Evenson, who really meant what he said.
"You can"t," said Mrs. Tibbs, in despair. "You can"t-it"s a register stove."
"Hush!" repeated John Evenson.
"Hush-hush!" cried somebody down-stairs.
"What a d-d hushing!" said Alfred Tomkins, who began to get rather bewildered.
"There they are!" exclaimed the sapient Wisbottle, as a rustling noise was heard in the store-room.
"Hark!" whispered both the young men.
"Hark!" repeated Mrs. Tibbs and Evenson.
"Let me alone, sir," said a female voice in the store-room.
"Oh, Hagnes!" cried another voice, which clearly belonged to Tibbs, for n.o.body else ever owned one like it, "Oh, Hagnes-lovely creature!"
"Be quiet, sir!" (A bounce.)
"Hag-"
"Be quiet, sir-I am ashamed of you. Think of your wife, Mr. Tibbs. Be quiet, sir!"
"My wife!" exclaimed the valorous Tibbs, who was clearly under the influence of gin-and-water, and a misplaced attachment; "I ate her! Oh, Hagnes! when I was in the volunteer corps, in eighteen hundred and-"
"I declare I"ll scream. Be quiet, sir, will you?" (Another bounce and a scuffle.)
"What"s that?" exclaimed Tibbs, with a start.
"What"s what?" said Agnes, stopping short.
"Why that!"
"Ah! you have done it nicely now, sir," sobbed the frightened Agnes, as a tapping was heard at Mrs. Tibbs"s bedroom door, which would have beaten any dozen woodp.e.c.k.e.rs hollow.
"Mrs. Tibbs! Mrs. Tibbs!" called out Mrs. Bloss. "Mrs. Tibbs, pray get up." (Here the imitation of a woodp.e.c.k.e.r was resumed with tenfold violence.)
"Oh, dear-dear!" exclaimed the wretched partner of the depraved Tibbs.
"She"s knocking at my door. We must be discovered! What will they think?"
"Mrs. Tibbs! Mrs. Tibbs!" screamed the woodp.e.c.k.e.r again.
"What"s the matter!" shouted Gobler, bursting out of the back drawing-room, like the dragon at Astley"s.
"Oh, Mr. Gobler!" cried Mrs. Bloss, with a proper approximation to hysterics; "I think the house is on fire, or else there"s thieves in it.
I have heard the most dreadful noises!"
"The devil you have!" shouted Gobler again, bouncing back into his den, in happy imitation of the aforesaid dragon, and returning immediately with a lighted candle. "Why, what"s this? Wisbottle! Tomkins!
O"Bleary! Agnes! What the deuce! all up and dressed?"
"Astonishing!" said Mrs. Bloss, who had run down-stairs, and taken Mr.
Gobler"s arm.
"Call Mrs. Tibbs directly, somebody," said Gobler, turning into the front drawing-room.-"What! Mrs. Tibbs and Mr. Evenson!!"
"Mrs. Tibbs and Mr. Evenson!" repeated everybody, as that unhappy pair were discovered: Mrs. Tibbs seated in an arm-chair by the fireplace, and Mr. Evenson standing by her side.
We must leave the scene that ensued to the reader"s imagination. We could tell, how Mrs. Tibbs forthwith fainted away, and how it required the united strength of Mr. Wisbottle and Mr. Alfred Tomkins to hold her in her chair; how Mr. Evenson explained, and how his explanation was evidently disbelieved; how Agnes repelled the accusations of Mrs. Tibbs by proving that she was negotiating with Mr. O"Bleary to influence her mistress"s affections in his behalf; and how Mr. Gobler threw a damp counterpane on the hopes of Mr. O"Bleary by avowing that he (Gobler) had already proposed to, and been accepted by, Mrs. Bloss; how Agnes was discharged from that lady"s service; how Mr. O"Bleary discharged himself from Mrs. Tibbs"s house, without going through the form of previously discharging his bill; and how that disappointed young gentleman rails against England and the English, and vows there is no virtue or fine feeling extant, "except in Ireland." We repeat that we _could_ tell all this, but we love to exercise our self-denial, and we therefore prefer leaving it to be imagined.
The lady whom we have hitherto described as Mrs. Bloss, is no more. Mrs.
Gobler exists: Mrs. Bloss has left us for ever. In a secluded retreat in Newington b.u.t.ts, far, far removed from the noisy strife of that great boarding-house, the world, the enviable Gobler and his pleasing wife revel in retirement: happy in their complaints, their table, and their medicine, wafted through life by the grateful prayers of all the purveyors of animal food within three miles round.
We would willingly stop here, but we have a painful duty imposed upon us, which we must discharge. Mr. and Mrs. Tibbs have separated by mutual consent, Mrs. Tibbs receiving one moiety of 43_l._ 15_s._ 10_d._, which we before stated to be the amount of her husband"s annual income, and Mr.
Tibbs the other. He is spending the evening of his days in retirement; and he is spending also, annually, that small but honourable independence. He resides among the original settlers at Walworth; and it has been stated, on unquestionable authority, that the conclusion of the volunteer story has been heard in a small tavern in that respectable neighbourhood.
The unfortunate Mrs. Tibbs has determined to dispose of the whole of her furniture by public auction, and to retire from a residence in which she has suffered so much. Mr. Robins has been applied to, to conduct the sale, and the transcendent abilities of the literary gentlemen connected with his establishment are now devoted to the task of drawing up the preliminary advertis.e.m.e.nt. It is to contain, among a variety of brilliant matter, seventy-eight words in large capitals, and six original quotations in inverted commas.
CHAPTER II-MR. MINNS AND HIS COUSIN
Mr. Augustus Minns was a bachelor, of about forty as he said-of about eight-and-forty as his friends said. He was always exceedingly clean, precise, and tidy; perhaps somewhat priggish, and the most retiring man in the world. He usually wore a brown frock-coat without a wrinkle, light inexplicables without a spot, a neat neckerchief with a remarkably neat tie, and boots without a fault; moreover, he always carried a brown silk umbrella with an ivory handle. He was a clerk in Somerset-house, or, as he said himself, he held "a responsible situation under Government." He had a good and increasing salary, in addition to some 10,000_l._ of his own (invested in the funds), and he occupied a first floor in Tavistock-street, Covent-garden, where he had resided for twenty years, having been in the habit of quarrelling with his landlord the whole time: regularly giving notice of his intention to quit on the first day of every quarter, and as regularly countermanding it on the second.
There were two cla.s.ses of created objects which he held in the deepest and most unmingled horror; these were dogs, and children. He was not unamiable, but he could, at any time, have viewed the execution of a dog, or the a.s.sa.s.sination of an infant, with the liveliest satisfaction.
Their habits were at variance with his love of order; and his love of order was as powerful as his love of life. Mr. Augustus Minns had no relations, in or near London, with the exception of his cousin, Mr.
Octavius Budden, to whose son, whom he had never seen (for he disliked the father), he had consented to become G.o.dfather by proxy. Mr. Budden having realised a moderate fortune by exercising the trade or calling of a corn-chandler, and having a great predilection for the country, had purchased a cottage in the vicinity of Stamford-hill, whither he retired with the wife of his bosom, and his only son, Master Alexander Augustus Budden. One evening, as Mr. and Mrs. B. were admiring their son, discussing his various merits, talking over his education, and disputing whether the cla.s.sics should be made an essential part thereof, the lady pressed so strongly upon her husband the propriety of cultivating the friendship of Mr. Minns in behalf of their son, that Mr. Budden at last made up his mind, that it should not be his fault if he and his cousin were not in future more intimate.
"I"ll break the ice, my love," said Mr. Budden, stirring up the sugar at the bottom of his gla.s.s of brandy-and-water, and casting a sidelong look at his spouse to see the effect of the announcement of his determination, "by asking Minns down to dine with us, on Sunday."
"Then pray, Budden, write to your cousin at once," replied Mrs. Budden.
"Who knows, if we could only get him down here, but he might take a fancy to our Alexander, and leave him his property?-Alick, my dear, take your legs off the rail of the chair!"
"Very true," said Mr. Budden, musing, "very true indeed, my love!" On the following morning, as Mr. Minns was sitting at his breakfast-table, alternately biting his dry toast and casting a look upon the columns of his morning paper, which he always read from the t.i.tle to the printer"s name, he heard a loud knock at the street-door; which was shortly afterwards followed by the entrance of his servant, who put into his hands a particularly small card, on which was engraven in immense letters, "Mr. Octavius Budden, Amelia Cottage (Mrs. B."s name was Amelia), Poplar-walk, Stamford-hill."
"Budden!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Minns, "what can bring that vulgar man here!-say I"m asleep-say I"m out, and shall never be home again-anything to keep him down-stairs."
"But please, sir, the gentleman"s coming up," replied the servant, and the fact was made evident, by an appalling creaking of boots on the staircase accompanied by a pattering noise; the cause of which, Minns could not, for the life of him, divine.
"Hem-show the gentleman in," said the unfortunate bachelor. Exit servant, and enter Octavius preceded by a large white dog, dressed in a suit of fleecy hosiery, with pink eyes, large ears, and no perceptible tail.
The cause of the pattering on the stairs was but too plain. Mr. Augustus Minns staggered beneath the shock of the dog"s appearance.
"My dear fellow, how are you?" said Budden, as he entered.
He always spoke at the top of his voice, and always said the same thing half-a-dozen times.
"How are you, my hearty?"