Each time he relaxed his embrace even a little, she threatened to collapse. His arm was around her neck so tight that her hair was rumpled against his cheek. He thrust a hand inside the neck of her kimono.
He added coaxing words, but she did not answer. She folded her arms like a bar over the breast he was asking for.
"What"s the matter with you." She bit savagely at her arm, as though angered by its refusal to serve her. "d.a.m.n you, d.a.m.n you. Lazy, useless. What"s the matter with you."
Shimamura drew back startled. There were deep teeth-marks on her arm.
She no longer resisted, however. Giving herself up to his hands, she began writing something with the tip of her finger. She would tell him the people she liked, she said. After she had written the names of some twenty or thirty actors, she wrote "Shimamura, Shimamura," over and over again.
The delicious swelling under Shimamura"s hand grew warmer.
"Everything is all right." His voice was serene. "Everything is all right again." He sensed something a little motherly in her.
But the headache came back. She writhed and twisted, and sank to the floor in a corner of the room.
"It won"t do. It won"t do. I"m going home. Going home."
"Do you think you can walk that far? And listen to the rain."
"I"ll go home barefoot. I"ll crawl home."
"You don"t think that"s a little dangerous? If you have to go, I"ll take you."
The inn was on a hill, and the road was a steep one.
"Suppose you try loosening your clothes. Lie down for a little while and you"ll feel well enough to go."
"No, no. This is the way. I"m used to it." She sat up straight and took a deep breath, but breathing was clearly painful. She felt a little nauseated, she said, and opened the window behind her, but she could not vomit. She seemed to be holding back the urge to fall down writhing on the floor. Now and then she came to herself. "I"m going home, I"m going home," she said again and again, and presently it was after two.
"Go on to bed. Go on to bed when a person tells you to."
"But what will you do?" Shimamura asked.
"I"ll just sit here like this. When I feel a little better I"ll go home. I"ll go home before daylight." She crawled over on her knees and tugged at him. "Go on to sleep. Pay no attention to me, I tell you."
Shimamura went back to bed. The woman sprawled over the table and took another drink of water.
"Get up. Get up when a person tells you to."
"Which do you want me to do?"
"All right, go to sleep."
"You aren"t making much sense, you know." He pulled her into bed after him.
Her face was turned half away, hidden from him, but after a time she thrust her lips violently toward him.
Then, as if in a delirium she were trying to tell of her pain, she repeated over and over, he did not know how many times: "No, no. Didn"t you say you wanted to be friends?"
The almost too serious tone of it rather dulled his ardor, and as he saw her wrinkle her forehead in the effort to control herself, he thought of standing by the commitment he had made.
But then she said: "I won"t have any regrets. I"ll never have any regrets. But I"m not that sort of woman. It can"t last. Didn"t you say so yourself?"
She was still half numb from the liquor.
"It"s not my fault. It"s yours. You lost. You"re the weak one. Not I." She ran on almost in a trance, and she bit at her sleeve as if to fight back the happiness.
She was quiet for a time, apparently drained of feeling. Then, as if the thought came to her from somewhere in her memory, she struck out: "You"re laughing, aren"t you? You"re laughing at me."
"I am not."
"Deep in your heart you"re laughing at me. Even if you aren"t now, you will be later." She was choked with tears. Turning away from him, she buried her face in her hands.
But a moment later she was calm again. Soft and yielding as if she were offering herself up, she was suddenly very intimate, and she began telling him all about herself. She seemed quite to have forgotten the headache. She said not a word about what had just happened.
"But I"ve been so busy talking I haven"t noticed how late it is." She smiled a little bashfully. She had to leave before daylight, she said. "It"s still dark. But people here get up early." Time after time she got up to look out the window. "They won"t be able to see my face yet. And it"s raining. No one will be going out to the fields this morning."
She seemed reluctant to go even when the lines of the mountain and of the roofs on its slopes were floating out of the rain. Finally it was time for the hotel maids to be up and about. She retouched her hair and ran, almost fled, from the room, brushing aside Shimamura"s offer to see her to the door. Someone might catch a glimpse of the two of them together.
Shimamura went back to Tokyo that day.
"You remember what you said then? But you were wrong. Why else would anyone come to such a place in December? I wasn"t laughing at you."
The woman raised her head. Her face where it had been pressed against Shimamura"s hand was red under the thick powder, from the eye across the bridge of the nose. It made him think of the snow-country cold, and yet, because of the darkness of her hair, there was a certain warmth in it.
She smiled quietly, as though dazzled by a bright light. Perhaps, as she smiled, she thought of "then," and Shimamura"s words gradually colored her whole body. When she bowed her head, a little stiffly, he could see that even her back under her kimono was flushed a deep red. Set off by the color of her hair, the moist sensuous skin was as if laid naked before him. Her hair could not really have been called thick. Stiff like a man"s, and swept up into a high j.a.panese-style coiffure with not a hair out of place, it glowed like some heavy black stone.
Shimamura looked at the hair and wondered whether the coldness that had so startled him-he had never touched such cold hair, he said-might be less the cold of the snow-country winter than something in the hair itself. The woman began counting on her fingers. For some time she counted on.
"What are you counting?" he asked. Still the counting continued.
"It was the twenty-third of May."
"You"re counting the days, are you. Don"t forget that July and August are two long months in a row."
"It"s the hundred-and-ninety-ninth day. It"s exactly a hundred and ninety-nine days."
"How did you remember it was the twenty-third of May?"
"All I have to do is look in my diary."
"You keep a diary?"
"It"s always fun to read an old diary. But I don"t hide anything when I write in my diary, and sometimes I"m ashamed to look at it myself."
"When did you begin?"
"Just before I went to Tokyo as a geisha. I didn"t have any money, and I bought a plain notebook for two or three sen and drew in lines. I must have had a very sharp pencil. The lines are all neat and close together, and every page is crammed from top to bottom. When I had enough money to buy a diary, it wasn"t the same any more. I started taking things for granted. It"s that way with my writing practice, too. I used to practice on newspapers before I even thought of trying good paper, but now I set it down on good paper from the start."
"And you"ve kept the diary all this time?"
"Yes. The year I was sixteen and this year have been the best. I write in my diary when I"m home from a party and ready for bed, and when I read it over I can see places where I"ve gone to sleep writing.... But I don"t write every day. Some days I miss. Way off here in the mountains, every party"s the same. This year I couldn"t find anything except a diary with a new day on each page. It was a mistake. When I start writing, I want to write on and on."
But even more than at the diary, Shimamura was surprised at her statement that she had carefully catalogued every novel and short story she had read since she was fifteen or sixteen. The record already filled ten notebooks.
"You write down your criticisms, do you?"
"I could never do anything like that. I just write down the author and the characters and how they are related to each other. That is about all."
"But what good does it do?"
"None at all."
"A waste of effort."
"A complete waste of effort," she answered brightly, as though the admission meant little to her. She gazed solemnly at Shimamura, however.
A complete waste of effort. For some reason Shimamura wanted to stress the point. But, drawn to her at that moment, he felt a quiet like the voice of the rain flow over him. He knew well enough that for her it was in fact no waste of effort, but somehow the final determination that it was had the effect of distilling and purifying the woman"s existence.
Her talk of novels seemed to have little to do with "literature" in the everyday sense of the word. The only friendly ties she had with the people of this village had come from exchanging women"s magazines, and afterwards she had gone on with her reading by herself. She was quite indiscriminate and had little understanding of literature, and she borrowed even the novels and magazines she found lying in the guests" rooms at the inn. Not a few of the new novelists whose names came to her meant nothing to Shimamura. Her manner was as though she were talking of a distant foreign literature. There was something lonely, something sad in it, something that rather suggested a beggar who has lost all desire. It occurred to Shimamura that his own distant fantasy on the western ballet, built up from words and photographs in foreign books, was not in its way dissimilar.
She talked on happily too of movies and plays she had never seen. She had no doubt been starved all these months for someone who would listen to her. Had she forgotten that a hundred and ninety-nine days earlier exactly this sort of conversation had set off the impulse to throw herself at Shimamura? Again she lost herself in the talk, and again her words seemed to be warming her whole body.
But her longing for the city had become an undemanding dream, wrapped in simple resignation, and the note of wasted effort was much stronger in it than any suggestion of the exile"s lofty dissatisfaction. She did not seem to find herself especially sad, but in Shimamura"s eyes there was something strangely touching about her. Were he to give himself quite up to that consciousness of wasted effort, Shimamura felt, he would be drawn into a remote emotionalism that would make his own life a waste. But before him was the quick, live face of the woman, ruddy from the mountain air.
In any case, he had revised his view of her, and he had found, surprisingly, that her being a geisha made it even more difficult for him to be free and open with her.
Dead-drunk that night, she had savagely bitten her half-paralyzed arm in a fit of irritation at its recalcitrance. "What"s the matter with you? d.a.m.n you, d.a.m.n you. Lazy, worthless. What"s the matter with you?"
And, unable to stand, she had rolled from side to side. "I"ll never have any regrets. But I"m not that sort of woman. I"m not that sort of woman."
"The midnight for Tokyo." The woman seemed to sense his hesitation, and she spoke as if to push it away. At the sound of the train whistle she stood up. Roughly throwing open a paper-paneled door and the window behind it, she sat down on the sill with her body thrown back against the railing. The train moved off into the distance, its echo fading into a sound as of the night wind. Cold air flooded the room.
"Have you lost your mind?" Shimamura too went over to the window. The air was still, without a suggestion of wind.
It was a stern night landscape. The sound of the freezing of snow over the land seemed to roar deep into the earth. There was no moon. The stars, almost too many of them to be true, came forward so brightly that it was as if they were falling with the swiftness of the void. As the stars came nearer, the sky retreated deeper and deeper into the night color. The layers of the Border Range, indistinguishable one from another, cast their heaviness at the skirt of the starry sky in a blackness grave and somber enough to communicate their ma.s.s. The whole of the night scene came together in a clear, tranquil harmony.
As she sensed Shimamura"s approach, the woman fell over with her breast against the railing. There was no hint of weakness in the pose. Rather, against the night, it was the strongest and most stubborn she could have taken. So we have to go through that again, thought Shimamura.
Black though the mountains were, they seemed at that moment brilliant with the color of the snow. They seemed to him somehow transparent, somehow lonely. The harmony between sky and mountains was lost.
Shimamura put his hand to the woman"s throat. "You"ll catch cold. See how cold it is." He tried to pull her back, but she clung to the railing.
"I"m going home." Her voice was choked.
"Go home, then."
"Let me stay like this a little longer."
"I"m going down for a bath."
"No, stay here with me."
"If you close the window."
"Let me stay here like this a little longer."
Half the village was hidden behind the cedars of the shrine grove. The light in the railway station, not ten minutes away by taxi, flickered on and off as if crackling in the cold.
The woman"s hair, the gla.s.s of the window, the sleeve of his kimono-everything he touched was cold in a way Shimamura had never known before.
Even the straw mats under his feet seemed cold. He started down to the bath.
"Wait. I"ll go with you." The woman followed meekly.
As she was rearranging the clothes he had thrown to the floor outside the bath, another guest, a man, came in. The woman crouched low in front of Shimamura and hid her face.
"Excuse me." The other guest started to back away.
"No, please," Shimamura said quickly. "We"ll go next door." He scooped up his clothes and stepped over to the women"s bath. The woman followed as if they were married. Shimamura plunged into the bath without looking back at her. He felt a high laugh mount to his lips now that he knew she was with him. He put his face to the hot-water tap and noisily rinsed his mouth.
Back in the room, she raised her head a little from the pillow and pushed her side hair up with her little finger.
"This makes me very sad." She said only that. Shimamura thought for a moment that her eyes were half open, but he saw that the thick eyelashes created the illusion.
The woman, always high-strung, did not sleep the whole night.
It was apparently the sound of the obi being tied that awakened Shimamura.
"I"m sorry. I should have let you sleep. It"s still dark. Look-can you see me?" She turned off the light. "Can you see me? You can"t?"
"I can"t see you. It"s still pitch dark."
"No, no. I want you to look close. Now. Can you see me?" She threw open the window. "It"s no good. You can see me. I"m going."
Surprised anew at the morning cold, Shimamura raised his head from the pillow. The sky was still the color of night, but in the mountains it was already morning.
"But it"s all right. The farmers aren"t busy this time of the year, and no one will be out so early. But do you suppose someone might be going out into the mountains?" She talked on to herself, and she walked about trailing the end of the half-tied obi. "There were no guests on the five-o"clock from Tokyo. None of the inn people will be up for a long while yet."
Even when she had finished tying the obi, she stood up and sat down and stood up again, and wandered about the room with her eye on the window. She seemed on edge, like some restless night beast that fears the approach of the morning. It was as though a strange, magical wildness had taken her.
Presently the room was so light that he could see the red of her cheeks. His eye was fastened on that extraordinarily bright red.
"Your cheeks are flaming. That"s how cold it is."
"It"s not from the cold. It"s because I"ve taken off my powder. I only have to get into bed and in a minute I"m warm as an oven. All the way to my feet." She knelt at the mirror by the bed.