Can you? Wow! What do you want me to do?"
Just be here . . . and listen. If she wants me to, I"ll tell you what she"s saying. Please be very still and quiet."
As before, Roxanne closed her eyes and talked to me in a language I understood: telepathy. First, we talked about the boys dropping me in the river and whether I hated them for it.
She"s telling me about the boys," said Roxanne out loud, and we"re forgiving them."
I shan"t," said TammyLee, and her eyes burned. I"ll never forgive them. Never."
Animals do," said Roxanne. They forgive us and forgive us, no matter how many mistakes we make."
But those evil jerks don"t deserve forgiveness."
But you do. You deserve to do the forgiving. It heals you. You are letting go of a burden," said Roxanne.
TammyLee looked confused. No one"s ever said that to me before," she said, frowning. I can"t get my head round it."
It"s your heart that needs to forgive, not your head," said Roxanne, in a quiet, hypnotic voice. Your heart is full of love and light. There"s no room in it for hatred and blame."
So . . . how do you do it?"
You just let go, my darling. Like a big stone you have carried up a steep mountain . . . it"s been dragging you down . . . but now, let it go and watch it rolling away, and you feel light and free as a bird."
She spoke pa.s.sionately, and TammyLee listened intently, shaking her head a little.
Now, if you don"t mind, I"m going to listen to Tallulah," said Roxanne, and both girls kept still and quiet. Overjoyed to have a listener, I told Roxanne everything. How I, the Queen of Cats, had come here to re-unite a mother with her baby, how I had found Rocky and kept him warm, as a tiny baby. Then, how I"d found him again and didn"t know how I could convey information to TammyLee. I asked Roxanne to tell her.
What I didn"t expect was the shattering effect it would have on TammyLee.
Chapter Ten.
NEVER, NEVER, EVER.
Roxanne was hesitating to speak the words I"d given her. She was trying to change its meaning. I sighed and patted her face with my paw.
So, what is Tallulah telling you?" asked TammyLee, her eyes wide open and thirsty for the information.
She"s . . . giving me a name . . ." said Roxanne, carefully, and she put a hand on TammyLee"s arm.
A name? What name?"
Rocky."
TammyLee stiffened, her aura turning to hard bright steel, like a suit of armour.
So . . . what about Rocky?" she asked after a long pause.
I . . . I"m not sure I should tell you . . . it . . . well . . . it might be painful for you, darling," said Roxanne kindly, and I gave her concerned face another pat but Tallulah wants me to. It"s important to her, and she"s been frustrated because she can"t tell you."
Tell me what?"
I paid attention to the intense eye contact between the two women, and the way TammyLee looked like a child on the edge of a stormy sea, afraid, but wanting to go in. Tallulah is the Queen of Cats in the spirit world," said Roxanne. Are you comfortable with that kind of stuff?"
Yeah . . . I mean . . . well, she would be, wouldn"t she?" TammyLee smiled. I always knew she was magic."
I stepped gently on to her lap, and curled up there, doing the most calming kind of purr I could muster. She had to listen. I would keep her still and quiet.
Is that it then?" asked TammyLee.
No . . . there"s more . . . about Rocky."
Go on."
Tallulah wants you to know she saved Rocky"s life when he was a tiny baby. She stayed all night with him and kept him warm."
TammyLee gasped. I looked at her eyes and they were flooded with fear that seemed to be erupting from some deep dark well in her soul. I cuddled close.
There"s more," said Roxanne. This cat is like a guardian angel."
Go on."
Tallulah came here to support you, TammyLee. She adores you. And . . . and . . ."
Oh, I know that. I adore her."
TammyLee relaxed for a second, and took a deep breath. Roxanne was still staring at her intently, and, in the moment of silence, I could hear Amber coming upstairs. Her nails clicked along the landing and she peeped round the door.
Aw . . . look at that," said Roxanne. Is this Amber? Isn"t she beautiful? She"s come to love you."
Amber sidled up to TammyLee and sat down, leaning her warm bulk against her legs.
She knows," said TammyLee, stroking the dog"s silky ears.
Animals do. They know, and they forgive, and they don"t judge us."
So . . . what else did Tallulah tell you?"
She wants you to know that she has found Rocky, and, when the time is right, she will lead you to him."
I"d thought TammyLee would be pleased, but she wasn"t. She went white. Her eyes hardened and she stood up and put me back on Roxanne"s lap. She looked at the window, and the door and up at the ceiling. Then she stalked over to the open door, slammed it shut and turned to face us, leaning against it. Her knees were shaking and her green eyes shone like the river water.
Don"t tell my dad," she pleaded in a whisper, or my mum. Or anyone. If you tell anyone about Rocky, I"ll kill myself. I mean it."
She was shaking so hard it made the door rattle. We all looked at her . . . Roxanne, Amber and me . . . and in that moment, I saw TammyLee"s angel holding her in a coc.o.o.n of misty light, and the angel looked sad.
Don"t worry . . . I won"t." Roxanne didn"t look surprised at all.
Thanks." TammyLee moved away from the door and went to the mirror. She started coiling her hair into a bun and wiping the smudges off her checks with a round white pad she took from a pot. I"ve been in such a state all day," she said, and I"ve got my GCSE maths exam on Monday and my mum to look after. I"ve gotta get my act together. I have to stay functional . . . I can"t fall apart." She leaned close to the mirror and brushed mascara onto her eyelashes, acting as if she didn"t care and didn"t want us around.
I"d better go." Roxanne gave me a kiss and put me down next to Amber.
Yeah . . . thanks, Roxanne. Appreciate it," said TammyLee, but she didn"t glance up from the mirror.
I"ll come again if you need me."
Cool. Might do."
Are you sure you"re OK?"
Yeah . . . I"m good."
After Roxanne had gone, TammyLee came over to the bed and looked at it. She smoothed the quilt, and then collapsed, curled up in a ball and went to sleep almost instantly. Amber wasn"t supposed to go on the bed but she climbed up there and stretched out against TammyLee"s back, and I curled up with my head on her chest. The three of us slept and slept until it was dark, and, when Max put his head round the door, I stared at him until he went away.
We all needed to sleep, and let the day fold up into the night like a damaged flower, best forgotten.
I was better in the morning, well enough to go downstairs, eat my breakfast and sit in the window in the morning sun. It looked as if everything was back to normal, until Max had a go at TammyLee.
We were out on the patio, and TammyLee had her face in a mug of coffee, with a maths book spread out on the garden table. Amber was rolling on the lawn, and Diana sat in her wheelchair, drinking from a funny little cup with gold squiggles on it. I sat quietly on the cushion next to TammyLee, dreaming of the time when we could go to the river again and I could resume my sardine fishing.
Then Max"s aura caught my attention. He was on guard, like a dog, tense and suspicious. His coffee sat untouched on the table, his newspaper folded on his lap, and he was staring into the sky, then glancing at TammyLee with questions simmering in his eyes. He kept taking a breath, as if to speak, then changing his mind.
That boy . . ." he said, eventually. What was his name again?"
Dylan," said TammyLee, without looking up. And I"m trying to revise, Dad."
Do you know him?" asked Max, his eyes bright with suspicion.
Yeah. He was a year ahead of me in school. He"s left now, Dad."
So what"s he doing now?"
TammyLee shrugged. How should I know?"
I don"t like his att.i.tude," said Max, frowning.
He"s just a lad," said Diana. You were like that once."
I most certainly was not. I"d never have dared speak to an adult like he did. Rude, he was, and arrogant. If there"s one thing I abhor, its insolence."
Oh, don"t go on about it, Dad. I"m trying to study."
Max stood up and banged his newspaper on the table.
Answer my question, girl."
TammyLee sighed. I don"t know," she repeated edgily. And you"re being rude, calling me "girl"."
Well, I didn"t like the way he spoke to you, or the way he looked at you. He openly threatened you. Didn"t you hear what he said?"
Look, Dad, it"s pretty typical. All mouth and trousers," said TammyLee.
Well, I hope you haven"t been a.s.sociating with him."
TammyLee glared at Max. Who I make friends with is my business, not yours. And, in case you haven"t noticed, I"ve got an EXAM tomorrow. You just don"t listen, do you?"
She has," said Diana. I think you should leave this for another time, Max. We had enough drama yesterday. Let"s have some peace."
You can"t have peace when there are issues to be discussed," said Max. His back was rigid, his cheeks twitching as he looked at TammyLee, who was doing her best to ignore him. I just sat quietly, looking at the dark pink colour that was creeping up TammyLee"s neck and over her face. I wished Max would leave her alone. Amber was thinking the same, her brown eyes moving anxiously from one to the other.
Leave it for now, Max," Diana insisted. Her face was white, her eyes like black bubbles, and her hands looked luminous, as if she was made of gla.s.s. I sensed that she was very ill. Like me, she had been to the distant sh.o.r.es of the spirit world, and returned, many times.
All right. For now." Max picked up his newspaper and shook it open. He glowered at TammyLee. If you didn"t speak to me so rudely, young lady, I"d be more prepared to listen."
TammyLee rolled her eyes and Diana put a hand on her arm. A secret smile pa.s.sed between them. I wondered what would happen when she died. Would TammyLee leave? Would she take me with her?
I"d met some cats who lived their whole lives in one place, with one family, and they were contented. They didn"t know how lucky they were. You"d think that I, the Queens of Cats, would be given a life of luxury and stability. But so far, my life had been full of change and anxiety. I wasn"t sure I could cope with much more of it.
Only Amber knew when I was anxious. Now, she put her paws up on the windowsill, her tail wagging, and gazed at me with shining eyes. I gave her a kiss, and jumped down to sit close to her warm comforting body. We were best mates, Amber and I, no matter what the humans were doing. My bond with her was precious.
TammyLee was trying to focus on her exam, but I sensed that Rocky was uppermost in her mind. When she came home from school, I ran to meet her, and she seemed happy.
That"s IT!" she said joyfully, as she picked me up. The last exam is over. I"ve made a mess of it, but I don"t really care, Tallulah. I"m going to be a hairdresser, no matter what Dad says."
She carried me up to her bedroom and I sat, looking at her, waiting. I knew what was lurking under the joy. Sadness, guilt and a mother"s grief at losing her child.
It has to come out," my angel had said, and you must be there."
So I sat, and looked into her soul, and waited.
The exams were over. TammyLee had a s.p.a.ce in front of her, and, like a summer sky, it darkened in seconds with the thundercloud of emotions she"d been suppressing for the last year.
You know . . . about Rocky, Tallulah," she whispered, and started twisting her bangles round and round her arm, pinching them together and letting them fall, clinking and twinkling down to her wrist. I think about him every day," she said. It"s like . . . he"ll never leave me alone, Tallulah. I . . . I so wish I"d cuddled him . . . he was gorgeous . . . he had such bright, knowing eyes . . . and cute little hands that looked like mine . . . How could I have . . . done what I did? He"ll never forgive me and I"ll never forgive myself. I"m so wicked, Tallulah . . . thank you for loving me . . . I don"t deserve you. Oh, what am I going to do?"
She cried out as the storm of remorse broke into her summer. It was loud, and unstoppable. I heard Amber whining and padding upstairs, her tail down as she came round the door and sat close, her chin on the bed. Then I heard the tap and shuffle of Diana"s Zimmer frame as she dragged herself into TammyLee"s bedroom, her eyes br.i.m.m.i.n.g with concern.
What is it, darling?"