It so happened upon a time, that Horace Greeley, wearing white hat and cravat, and with his ministerial cast of countenance well in evidence, sauntered up to the gate of the Girard inst.i.tution and was about to enter. He was instantly stopped by the keeper, who bluntly told him that he could not enter.
"What the h.e.l.l is the reason I can"t?" demanded Greeley.
"Oh! I beg your pardon," apologized the astonished gate-keeper, _"walk right in, sir; you can."_
PATRIOTIC TO THE CORE
Judge Allen of southern Illinois, a leading member of Congress a half-century ago, during a recent address to the old settlers of McLean County related an incident of early days on the Wabash.
Population was spa.r.s.e, and the common school was yet far in the future. The teacher who could read, write, and "cipher" to the "single rule of three" was well equipped for his n.o.ble calling.
Lamentable failures upon the part of aspirants to attain even the modest standard indicated, were by no means of rare occurrence.
Back in the thirties, an individual of by no means prepossessing appearance presented himself to Judge Allen"s father, the Magistrate, Ruling Elder, and _ex-officio_ school director for his precinct, and asked permission "to keep school." Being interrogated as to what branches he could teach, the three R"s--readin", "ritin", and "rithmetic--were, with apparent confidence, at once put in nomination.
"Have you ever taught geography and English grammar?" was the next inquiry.
With a much less confident tone, as he had probably never heard of either, he replied:
"I have teached geography some, but as for English grammar, I wouldn"t "low one of "em to come into my school-house. _"Merican grammar is good enough for me!"_
"SWEET ALICE, BEN BOLT"
A touching scene occurred in the House of Representatives a number of years ago, when an aged member from New Jersey arose, and for the first time addressed the Speaker. All eyes were turned in his direction as he stood calmly awaiting recognition. He was tall, spare, and erect. His venerable appearance and kindly expression, coupled with most courteous manners, at once commanded attention.
As in husky tones he again said, "Mr. Speaker!" there came from the farthest end of the Great Hall in a whisper but distinctly heard by all, the word, "Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt." A moment later, and from the floor and gallery many voices blended in the familiar refrain, "Don"t you remember sweet Alice Ben Bolt?"
The ovation which immediately followed was such as is rarely witnessed in the Great Hall. Business was suspended for the moment, and the hand of the new member warmly grasped by the chosen representatives of all parties and sections. It was an inspiring tribute, one worthily bestowed. The member was Thomas Dunn English, author of the little poem, sung in palace and cottage, which has found its way into all languages, and touched all hearts.
THE MAINE LAW
The mention of the "Maine Law" recalls a little episode that occurred in the early days in the good county of McLean. One Duncan--no kinsman to him who had been
"So clear in his great office"--
was again a candidate for the Legislature. The temperance question, in some of its many phases, was then giving much trouble to aspirants to public place. In the midst of his opening speech at the old courthouse, the candidate was interrupted by one of the inquisitive men who always appear when least wanted, with the question: "Mr. Duncan, are you _in favor_ of the Maine Law?" "Yes, yes,"
quickly replied the candidate, "I am coming to that very soon."
Shying off to the tariff, the improvement of Western rivers, and the necessity of rigid economy in all public expenditures, our candidate was about to close when the same troublesome inquiry, "Mr. Duncan, _are you in favor_ of the Maine Law?" again greeted his unwilling ears. "Oh, yes," exclaimed the orator, in tone and manner indicating much thankfulness. "I am glad you called my attention to his subject; I was about to forget it. My fellow-citizens have a right to know my views upon all public questions, and I have nothing to conceal. I have no respect for candidates who attempt to dodge any of these great questions. I have given you fully, my views upon the tariff, upon a general system of internal improvements, and something of my own services in the past; and now thanking you for your attention, will ----" "Mr. Duncan, are you _in favor of the Maine Law?"_ were the words that again escaped the lips of the importunate inquisitor.
Fully appreciating his dilemma--with const.i.tuents about equally divided upon the dangerous question--the candidate at once nerved himself for the answer upon which hung his hopes and fears and boldly replied; "Yes, sir, I am in favor of the law, but _everlastingly opposed to its enforcement!"_
HOW HE GOT HIS MAJORITY
One of the candidates upon the ticket with Mr. Tilden when he was elected Governor of New York, was the late William Dorshemer.
Judge Maynard told me that he was present in the library of Mr.
Tilden when Dorshemer called, immediately after the full election returns had been received. Tilden"s popularity at the time was very great --growing out of his successful prosecution of the noted Ca.n.a.l ring,--and resulted in the triumph of the ticket of which he was the head. Mr. Dorshemer, the Lieutenant-Governor elect, was greatly delighted that his own majority exceeded that of the more distinguished candidate for the Chief Executive office. During the conversation, Dorshemer remarked to Tilden: "Your majority is only fifty thousand, while mine is fifty-one thousand, five hundred." "Yes, yes,"
quickly remarked Tilden; "you got the fifteen hundred; _I gave you the fifty thousand!"_
WILLIAM R. TRAVERS
The generation now pa.s.sing has known no man of keener wit than the late William R. Travers, of New York. An impediment of speech not infrequently gave zest and vim to his words, when they finally found utterance. He was for a lifetime steeped in affairs of great concern and among his a.s.sociates were prominent factors in the commercial and political world.
On his revisiting Baltimore some years after his removal to New York, an old acquaintance remarked, "You seem to stutter more in New York than you did here, Mr. Travers." To this the brief reply at length came, "Have to--_it"s a bigger place."_
Back in the days when Gould and Fisk were names to conjure with in the mart and on the board; when railroads and gold mines were but p.a.w.ns upon the chessboard of "money changers and those who sold doves"; when "Black Friday" was still fresh in the memories of thousands, this incident is said to have occurred.
To weightier belongings, Gould and Fisk had added by way of pastime a splendid steamer to ply between Fall River and New York. Upon its trial voyage, Travers was the guest of its owners. The appointments of the vessel were gorgeous in the extreme, and in the large saloon were suspended life-size portraits of Gould and of Fisk. After a promenade of an hour in company with the originals, Travers suddenly paused in front of the portraits, gazed earnestly at each in turn, and then--with eyes fixed on the intervening s.p.a.ce --slowly e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed: _"Where"s Christ?"_
TOLD BY COLONEL W. D. HAYNIE
The following, told with happy effect by Colonel W. D. Haynie of the Chicago Bar, probably has no parallel in theological literature.
A colored brother who felt called upon to preach, applied to the Bishop of his church for license to exercise the sacred office.
The Bishop, far from being favorably impressed by the appearance of the candidate, earnestly inquired whether he had read the Bible, and was familiar with appropriate stories to relate, as occasion might require, to his Sunday school and congregation. The answer was, "Boss, I has read dat book from led to led." In response to the request of the good Bishop that he would repeat a Bible story, the applicant for Holy Orders began:
"One time dar wus a wicked ole King, an" his name was Ahab; an" he live in Babylon; an" he wus a mighty warrior; an" one day he wuz marchin" along at de head uv his army fru de streets of Babylon, an" he seed Bersheby standin" up on de house-top; an" he said to his soldiers, "Bring me Bersheby fur my wife"; an" day brung him Bersheby fur his wife. An" ole Ahab he march a long ways off, and fit a big battle, an" tuk a hull lot of prisoners; an" c.u.m a-marchin" back fru de streets of Babylon, wid de bra.s.s bans a-playin", and de stars an" stripes a-floatin"; an" Bersheby she wuz a-standin" on de house-top, and she holler out,
""How did you c.u.m out wid" em, old Ahab?"
"An" it make him powerful mad you know, an he say to his soldiers, "Frow her down to me." And dey frowd her down to him; and den he say, "Frow her down to me _seven_ times"; and dey frowd her down seven times; and den he say, "Frow her down to me _seventy times seven times!"_ and dey frowed her down to him seventy times seven times; an" po" ole Bersheby, she crawl away and lay down at de rich man"s gate, and de dogs come and lick her wouns, and when dey gevered he up, dar was "leven basketfuls left, an" _whose wife will she be in de resurrection?"_
L OUR n.o.bLE CALLING
THE LEGAL PROFESSION--TAKEN BY SURPRISE--MISSING THE POINT OF THE JOKE--A REMARKABLE INCIDENT--A JUDICIAL DECISION ON BAPTISM--A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT--STRONG PERSONAL ATTACHMENT--IRISH WIT--ENGLISH JOKES ABOUT LAWYERS--GREATNESS UNAPPRECIATED--ALL IN HIS WIFE"S NAME--A RETORT BY CURRAN--REMITTING A FINE--A CASE "ON ALL-FOURS"-- "GOING OUT WITH THE TIDE."
As we well know, lawyers generally entertain an exceedingly exalted opinion of their profession. Textbooks, opinions of courts, addresses innumerable to graduating students, all bear witness to the fact that our n.o.ble profession is the most honorable of human callings, the safeguard of society, the palladium of our liberty.
True, some uncharitable layman has suggested: "Yes, all this, and more, has been said a thousand times, _but always by lawyers."_
There are persons yet in life, who, practically at least, hold with Aaron Burr, that "law is that which is boldly a.s.serted and plausibly maintained," and that lawyers, like the Roman augurs of old, always smile when they meet one another on the street. The by no means exalted opinion of two men as to "our n.o.ble profession" will appear from the following.
A few days after Knott was admitted to the bar, he was sitting alone in his office, waiting for clients, when a one-gallowsed, awkward-looking fellow from the "brush" walked in without ceremony, dropped into the only vacant chair, and inquired: "Air you a lawyer, mister?" a.s.suming the manner of one of the regulars, Knott unhesitatingly answered that he was. "Well," said the visitor, "I thought I would drap in and git you to fetch a few suits for me."
Picking up his pen with the air of a man with whom suing people was an everyday, matter-of-course sort of affair, Knott said: "Who did you wish to sue?" To which--with a prolonged yawn--the prospective client drawled out: "I ain"t particular, Mister, I jest thought I"d get you to pick out a few skerry fellows _that would complemise easy!"_
The remaining incident is an experience of my own, when, at the age of twenty-two, I had hung out my sign in the then county-seat of Old Woodford.
My first client had retained me to obtain a divorce because of abandonment during the two years last past by the sometime partner of his joys and sorrows. The bill for divorce was duly filed; but on "the coming in of the answer," a continuance of the suit, for cause shown, was granted to the defendant.
At an early hour on the morning thereafter, my client called, and I soon discovered he was in a frame of mind by no means joyous. The disappointment he expressed at the continuance of his suit was evidently sincere. My explanation of the impossibility of preventing it, and the confident hope I held out that he would certainly get his divorce at the next term, evidently gave him little relief.
He at length intimated a desire to have a confidential talk with me. I took him into my "private office" (that has a professional sound, but as a matter of fact my office had but one room, and that was "open as day" to everybody) and a.s.sured him that whatever he said to me would be in the strictest confidence. Feeling that I was on safe ground, I now spoke in a lofty tone of the sacred relation existing between counsel and client, and that any communication he desired to make would be as safe as within his own bosom, "or words to that effect." Relieved, apparently, by the atmosphere of profound secrecy that now enveloped us, he "unfolded himself" to the effect that some years before he had been deeply in love with an excellent young lady in his neighborhood, but for some trifling cause he could now hardly explain, he had in a pique suddenly turned his attentions to another to whom he was soon united in the holy bonds that he was now so anxious to have sundered by the strong arm of the law.
A deeply drawn sigh was here the prelude to the startling revelation, that since his present sea of troubles had encompa.s.sed him about the old flame had been rekindled in his heart. I now candidly informed him that I was wholly inexperienced in such matters, but as his counsel I would take the liberty to advise him of the monstrous impropriety of any visible manifestation or expression of the newly revived attachment. This was followed by the comforting a.s.surance upon my part, however, that when divorced, he would be lawfully ent.i.tled to re-enter the matrimonial lists in such direction, and at whatever gait seemed to him best. The sigh to which the above was the prelude, hardly prepared me for the startling revelation that another fellow was now actually keeping company with the young lady. My client"s feelings here overcame him for a moment, and he complained bitterly of his hard fate in being "tied up," while the coast was clear to his compet.i.tor. After a moment of deep study, he expressed the opinion in substance, that if his rival could only be held in check until the divorce was granted, he was confident all would be well.
I here told him that this was all beyond my depth, and along a line where it would be impossible for me to render him any service.
Hitching his chair up a little closer, and looking at me earnestly he said: "You are a good-looking young fellow, and rather a glib talker, and I will give you this hundred dollars if you will cut that fellow out until I get my divorce!" Declining with some show of indignation, as well as surprise--for I was _young_ then in the practice--I a.s.sured him that his proposal was out of the domain of professional service, and could not be thought of for a moment. In a tone indicating deep astonishment, he said: "Why, I thought a lawyer would do anything for money!"
"Yes," I replied, "most anything, but this is the exception; and besides, if the young lady is as beautiful as you say she is, you would be _in greater danger from me_ at the end of your probation than from the other fellow." "Oh, Lord, I hadn"t thought of that,"
he exclaimed, as he pocketed his hundred dollars, picked up his hat, and left my office.
Near the close of the following term of court, as the decree was being signed granting the divorce aforementioned, I approached my client as he sat solitary in the rear of the court-room, and earnestly congratulated him upon the fact that he was now free and at liberty to fight his own battles. "Yes," he replied, with a groan that touched the heart of the tipstaff near by, "but it"s too late now; _she married that other fellow last Thursday."_
TAKEN BY SURPRISE