Upon a time, far back, Ballou, of happy memory, was Judge of the Woodford Circuit Court. A young lawyer, after diligent preparation and exhaustive argument, confidently submitted his first case to the tender mercies of the Court. To his utter dismay, His Honor promptly rendered a decision adverse to the contention of the youthful barrister. Deeply humiliated by his defeat, the latter exclaimed: "I am _astonished_ at such a decision!" The admonition of a brother, to patience, failing to accomplish its charitable purpose, the irate attorney a.s.servated more excitedly than before, his astonishment at such a decision. Whereupon the judge ordered the clerk to enter up a fine of five dollars against the offending attorney for contempt of court. Silence now reigned supreme, and the victim of judicial wrath sank back into his seat, utterly dismayed. The strain of the situation was at length relieved in part by an old lawyer from the opposite side of the trial table, slowly arising and solemnly remarking: "Something might be said, Your Honor, in extenuation of the conduct of my young friend. It is his first case, one in which he felt the deepest interest, and upon the successful issue of which, he had founded his fondest hopes. I trust Your Honor, upon due reflection, will remit this fine. It is true, he has with much vehemence expressed his astonishment at the decision of the Court. But his youth and inexperience must surely be taken into account. Ah, Your Honor, when our young brother has practised before this court as long as some of us have, _he will not be surprised at any decision Your Honor may make!"_
THE POINT OF THE JOKE
Sydney Smith is credited with saying that it required a surgical operation to get a joke into a Scotchman"s head. And not a bad reply is that of the Scotchman: "Yes, an _English_ joke."
It is unnecessary, however, to cross the Atlantic in order to find a few well authenticated cases where the surgical operation would have been required. The Hon. Samuel H. Treat, United States Judge of Southern Illinois, was one of the ablest and most upright of judges, and possibly--on or off the bench--the most solemn-appearing of all of the sons of men.
This little incident was related by Judge Weldon. Soon after the close of the War, he one day told Judge Treat a story he had heard upon a recent visit to Washington. McDougall, formerly of Illinois, but at that time a Senator from California, had become very dissipated near the close of his term. At a late hour one night a policeman on the Avenue found him in an utterly helpless condition--literally in the gutter. As the officer was making an ineffectual attempt to get the unfortunate statesman upon his feet, he inquired: "Who are you?" The reply was: "This morning I was Senator McDougall, but now I am _Sewered!"_
A few moments later Mr. Hay came into the office and Judge Treat said: "Hay, Weldon has just told me a good story about our old friend McDougall. Mac was in the gutter, and a policeman asked him who he was, and Mac told him, "This morning I was Senator McDougall, but now I am the Hon. William H. Seward!""
AN INCIDENT
Upon the occasion of the celebration of the fiftieth anniversary of the organization of the City of Bloomington, the oration was delivered by the Hon. James S. Ewing, late Minister to Belgium.
In the course of his address, he related the following incident:
"In the early history of this county, two boys one day went into the old courthouse to hear a lawsuit tried. There were a.s.sembled eight young lawyers, not all of them engaged in the trial, but giving strict attention to the proceedings. It was not a suit of great importance.
"The Court was presided over by Samuel H. Treat, who afterwards became a United States District Judge and one of the most distinguished lawyers and jurists in the State.
"One of the lawyers was David Davis, first a noted lawyer, then a circuit judge, then a judge of the Supreme Court of the United States, then a United States Senator and acting President of the Senate; a citizen of State and national fame whom the people of Bloomington loved and delighted to honor.
"Another was John T. Stuart, a brilliant lawyer, several times a member of Congress, and one of the most lovable of men.
"Another one was David B. Campbell, then the prosecuting attorney and afterwards a prominent lawyer and citizen of Springfield.
"Another was Edward D. Baker, who was afterwards a United State Senator from Oregon; a famous orator who immortalized himself by his marvellous oration over Senator Broderick.
"Another was James A. McDougall, a brilliant Irishman, afterwards a United States Senator from the State of California.
"And Abraham Lincoln, who has pa.s.sed beyond the domain of human praise into the pantheon of universal history.
"I might add that one of those boys afterwards became the Vice-President of the United States; and the other is your speaker.
"Speaking to any audience in America, I might say in the world, I doubt if such an incident could be truthfully related of any other gathering."
A JUDICIAL DECISION ON BAPTISM
It is rarely the case that a Court is called upon to decide questions of a purely theological character. Of necessity, however--property interests being involved,--controversies, measurably of a religious character, sometimes arise for judicial determination.
The case to be mentioned is probably the only one where "baptism"-- the true mode and manner thereof--has ever come squarely before an American judge. A man under sentence of death for murder was awaiting execution in the jail of one of the counties in northern Kentucky. Under the ministrations of the pastor of the Baptist Church, the prisoner at length made "the good confession" and desired to be baptized. To this end, the faithful pastor applied to the circuit judge before whom the prisoner had been tried, for permission to have the rite observed in the Kentucky River near by. The judge--more deeply versed in "Blackstone" and "Ben Monroe"
than in theological lore--declined to have the prisoner removed from the jail, but gave permission to have him baptized in the cell. The physical impossibility of the observance of the solemn rite in the prisoner"s cell was at once explained. "Certainly," said the judge in reply, "I know there is no room in there to baptize him that way; but take a bowl of water and sprinkle him right where he is confined." "But," earnestly interposed the man of the sacred office, "our church does not recognize sprinkling as valid baptism.
We hold _immersion_ to be the only Scriptural method." "Is it possible?" exclaimed the judge, greatly surprised. "Well, this Court decides that sprinkling _is_ valid baptism; and I tell you once for all, that that infernal scoundrel will be sprinkled, _or he will be hung without being baptized at all!"_
Inasmuch as this decision has never been _overruled_ by a higher court, it stands as the only judicial determination of the long-controverted question.
A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
Mr. Clark was the leader of the Metamora Bar when I located there-- _and so continued._ My first case, and the compliment of somewhat doubtful significance bestowed upon its termination, came about in this wise. I was retained for the plaintiff before Squire Fairchild in a suit involving the ownership of a calf of the alleged value of seven dollars. It being my first case, and having the aforementioned leader as my professional antagonist--and what was of far greater consequence, a contingent fee of two dollars and a half trembling in the balance--it may well be supposed that no effort was spared upon my part. I won the case, of course--_what lawyer ever told about a case that he had not won?_
The same evening a little group in the village store were discussing the merits of the case, and comparing the forensic effort of the new lawyer with that of the old-time leader already mentioned. At length one Tobias Wilson, as he slid down from his accustomed perch upon the counter, significantly observed, "Men, you may say what you please, but for my part, I had ruther hear Stevenson speak _two_ minutes _than to hear old Clark all day!"_
STRONG PERSONAL ATTACHMENT
Mr. Clark--whose early advantages had been none of the best--was once counsel for the proponent in a closely contested will case.
The testator, pa.s.sing by the next of kin, had left his entire estate to a personal friend, a man not of his own blood.
In attempting to impress upon the jury the reasonableness of this disposition, Clark said: "This, gentlemen of the jury, is another striking ill.u.s.tration of the power of human friendship.
All history--sacred and profane--is full of instances of strong personal attachments. Who can ever forget the undying affection of David and Jonathan, of Damon and Pythias, _of Scylla and Charybdis?"_
IRISH WIT
Judge Baldwin has left of record the witty reply of Jo Heyfron, an Irish lawyer, to a Mississippi judge. The judge, having rendered a very ridiculous decision in a cause in which Heyfron was engaged, the latter slowly arose as if to address the Court. The judge, exceedingly pompous and a poor lawyer withal, in imperative tone said: "Take your seat, Mr. Heyfron; you have practised at this bar long enough to know that when this Court renders a decision, its wisdom can only be called in question in a higher Court."
"If Your Honor plase," replied Jo in deprecatory tone, "far be it from me to impugn in the slightest degray the wisdom of Your Honor"s decision. I only designed to rade a few lines from the book I hold in my hand, in order that Your Honor might parsave _how profoundly aignorant Sir William Blackstone was upon this subject!"_
It is difficult, at this day, to realize that such scenes could ever have been enacted in an English Court, as were not infrequent during the era embracing the celebrated "State Trials." While one of these was in progress, and Curran in the midst of his argument, the judge contemptuously turned his back upon the advocate, and began fondling a favorite dog at his side. The argument was at once suspended. "Proceed, sir," were the words which at length broke the stillness that had fallen upon the vast a.s.semblage. "Ah!"
exclaimed Curran, "I was only waiting for Your Lordship _to conclude your consultation with your learned a.s.sociate!"_
ENGLISH JOKES ABOUT LAWYERS
Possibly the most solemn book in the world, not excepting Burton"s "Anatomy of Melancholy," or even "Fearne on Contingent Remainders,"
is an English publication of a half-century or so ago, ent.i.tled "Jokes about Great Lawyers."
Of several hundred alleged jokes, two or three will bear transplanting.
"My Lord," began a somewhat pompous barrister, "it is written the book of nature ----" "Be kind enough," interposed Lord Ellenborough, "to give me the _page_ from which you quote."
To the opening remark of an equally pompous barrister:
"My Lord, the unfortunate client for whom I appear ----" "Proceed sir, proceed," hastily observed the judge, _"so far the court is with you!"_
Ellenborough, when at the bar, after protracting his argument to the hour of adjournment, said that he would conclude when it should suit His Lordship"s _pleasure_ to hear him.
The immediate reply was: "The Court will hear you, sir, to-morrow; but as to the pleasure, _that_ had long been out of the question."
GREATNESS UNAPPRECIATED
Gibbon has somewhere said, that one of the liveliest pleasures which the pride of man can enjoy is to reappear in a more splendid condition among those who have known him in his obscurity.
A case in point is a lawyer of prominence in one of the Western States, who soon after his appointment to a seat in the Cabinet revisited his early home. Meeting an acquaintance upon his arrival at the railway station, the visitor, with emotions akin to those described by Gibbon, ventured to inquire what his old neighbors said when they heard of him being appointed to a place in the Cabinet.
The unexpected reply was: "Oh, they didn"t say nothin"; _they just laughed!"_
ALL IN HIS WIFE"S NAME
The late Colonel Lynch was for many years the recognized wit of the Logan County Bar. His repeated efforts, upon a time, to collect a judgment against a somewhat slippery debtor, were unavailing; the claim of the wife of the debtor, to the property attached, in each instance proving successful. Immeasurably disgusted at the "unsatisfied" return of the third writ, the Colonel indignantly exclaimed: "Yes, and I suppose if he should get religion, he would hold _that, too,_ in his wife"s name!"