THE PESSIMIST[76]
BEN F. KING
Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear but clothes To keep one from going nude.
Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash "tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on.
Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep but in bed, Nothing to weep but tears, Nothing to bury but dead.
Nothing to sing but songs, Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out, Nowhere to come but back.
Nothing to see but sights, Nothing to quench but thirst, Nothing to have but what we"ve got, Thus thro" life we are cursed.
Nothing to strike but a gait; Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes.
FOOTNOTE:
[76] By permission of the author and Forbes & Co., publishers.
SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH
ANONYMOUS
I vant to dold you vat it is, dot"s a putty nice play. De first dime dot you see Leah, she runs cross a pridge, mit some fellers chasin" her mit putty big shticks. Dey ketch her right in de middle of der edge, und der leader (dot"s de villen), he sez of her, "Dot it"s better ven she dies, und dot he coodent allow it dot she can lif." Und de oder fellers hollers out, "So ve vill;" "Gife her some deth;" "Kill her putty quick;"
"Shmack her of der jaw," und such dings; und chust as dey vill kill her, de priest says of dem, "Don"d you do dot," und dey shtop dot putty quick. In der nexd seen, dot Leah meets Rudolph (dot"s her feller) in de voods. Before dot he comes in, she sits of de bottom of a cross, und she don"d look pooty lifely, und she says, "Rudolph, how is dot, dot you don"d come und see about me? You didn"t shpeak of me for tree days long. I vant to dold you vot it is, dot ain"t some luf. I don"d like dot." Vell, Rudolph he don"d was dere, so he coodent sed something. But ven he comes in, she dells of him dot she lufs him orful, und he says dot he guess he lufs her orful too, und vants to know vood she leef dot place, and go oud in some oder country mit him. Und she says, "I told you, I vill;" und he says, "Dot"s all right," und he tells her he vill meet her soon, und dey vill go vay dogedder. Den he kisses her und goes oud, und she feels honkey dory bout dot.
Vell, in der nexd seen, Rudolph"s old man finds oud all about dot, und he don"d feel putty goot; und he says of Rudolph, "Vood you leef me, und go mit dot gal?" und Rudolph feels putty bad. He don"d know vot he shall do. Und der old man he says, "I dold you vot I"ll do. De skoolmaster (dot"s de villen) says dot she might dook some money to go vay. Now, Rudolph, my poy, I"ll gif de skoolmaster sum money to gif do her, und if she don"d dook dot money, I"ll let you marry dot gal." Ven Rudolph hears dis, he chumps mit joyness, und says, "Fader, fader, dot"s all righd.
Dot"s pully. I baed you anydings she voodent dook dot money." Vell, de old man gif de skoolmaster de money, und dells him dot he shall offer dot of her. Vell, dot pluddy skoolmaster comes back und says dot Leah dook dot gold right avay, ven she didn"t do dot. Den de old man says, "Didn"t I told you so?" und Rudolph gits so vild dot he svears dot she can"t haf someding more to do mit him. So ven Leah vill meet him in de voods, he don"d vas dere, und she feels orful, und goes avay. Bime-by she comes up to Rudolph"s house. She feels putty bad, und she knocks of de door. De old man comes oud, und says, "Got out of dot, you orful vooman. Don"d you come round after my boy again, else I put you in de dooms." Und she says, "Chust let me see Rudolph vonce, und I vill vander avay." So den Rudolph comes oud, und she vants to rush of his arms, but dot pluddy fool voodent allow dot. He chucks her avay, und says, "Don"d you touch me, uf you please, you deceitfulness gal." I dold you vot it is, dot looks ruff for dot poor gal. Und she is extonished, und says, "Vot is dis aboud dot?" Und Rudolph, orful mad, says, "Got oudsiedt, you ignomonous vooman." Und she feels so orful she coodent said a vord, und she goes oud.
Afterwards, Rudolph gits married to anoder gal in a shurch. Vell, Leah, who is vandering eferyveres, happens to go in dot shurchyard to cry, chust at de same dime of Rudolph"s marriage, vich she don"d know someding aboud. Putty soon she hears de organ, und she says dere is some beeples gitten married, und dot it vill do her unhappiness goot if she sees dot. So she looks in de vinder, und ven she sees who dot is, my graciousness, don"d she holler, und shvears vengeance. Putty soon Rudolph chumps oud indo der shurchyard to got some air. He says he don"t feel putty good. Putty soon dey see each oder, und dey had a orful dime.
He says of her, "Leah, how is dot you been here?" Und she says mit big scornfulness, "G.o.d oud of dot, you beat. How is dot, you got cheek to talk of me afder dot vitch you hafe done?" Den he says, "Vell, vot for you dook dot gold, you false-hearded leetle gal?" und she says, "Vot gold is dot? I didn"t dook some gold." Und he says, "Don"d you dold a lie about dot!" She says slowfully, "I told you I didn"t dook some gold.
Vot gold is dot?" Und den Rudolph tells her all aboud dot, und she says, "Dot is a orful lie. I didn"t seen some gold;" und she adds mit much sarkasmness, "Und you beliefed I dook dot gold. Dot"s de vorst I efer heered. Now, on accound of dot, I vill gif you a few gurses." Und den she swears mit orful voices dot Mister Kain"s gurse should git on him, und dot he coodent never git any happiness eferyvere, no matter vere he is. Den she valks off. Vell, den a long dime pa.s.ses avay, und den you see Rudolph"s farm. He has got a nice vife, und a putiful leetle child.
Putty soon Leah comes in, being shased, as ushual, by fellers mit shticks. She looks like she didn"t ead someding for two monds. Rudolph"s vife sends off dot mop, und Leah gits avay again. Den dat nice leedle child comes oud, und Leah comes back; und ven she sees dot child, don"d she feel orful aboud dot, und she says mit affectfulness, "Come here, leedle child, I voodn"d harm you;" und dot nice leedle child goes righd up, and Leah chumps on her, und grabs her in her arms, und gries, and kisses her. Oh! my graciousness don"d she gry aboud dot. You got to blow your noses righd avay. I vant to dold you vat it is, dot looks pully.
Und den she says vile she gries, "Leedle childs, don"d you got some names?" Und dot leedle child shpeaks oud so nice, pless her leedle hard, und says, "Oh! yes. My name dot"s Leah, und my papa tells me dot I shall pray for you efery nighd." Oh! my goodnessness, don"d Leah gry orful ven she hears dot. I dold you vat it is, dot"s a shplaindid ding. Und quick come dem tears in your eyes und you look up ad de vall, so dot n.o.body can"d see dot, und you make oud you don"d care aboud it. But your eyes gits fulled up so quick dot you couldn"d keep dem in, und de tears comes down of your face like a shnow storm, und den you don"d care a tarn if efery body sees dot. Und Leah kisses her und gries like dot her heart"s broke, und she dooks off dot gurse from Rudolph und goes avay. De child den dell her fader and muder aboud dot, und dey pring her back. Den dot mop comes back und vill kill her again, but she exposes dot skoolmaster, dot villen, und dot fixes him. Den she falls down in Rudolph"s arms, und your eyes gits fulled up again, und you can"d see someding more. I like to haf as many gla.s.ses of beer as dere is gryin" chust now. You couldn"t help dot any vay. Und if I see a gal vot don"d gry in dot piece, I voodn"t marry dot gal, efen if her fader owned a pig prewery. Und if I see a feller vot don"d gry, I voodn"t dook a trink of lager bier mit him. Vell, afder de piece is oud, you feel so bad, und so goot, dot you must ead a few pieces of hot stuff do drife avay der plues. But I told you vat it is, dot"s a pully piece, I baed you, don"d it?
THE SUPERFLUOUS MAN
JOHN G. SAXE
I long have been puzzled to guess, And so I have frequently said, What the reason could really be That I never have happened to wed; But now it is perfectly clear I am under a natural ban; The girls are already a.s.signed-- And I"m a superfluous man!
Those clever statistical chaps Declare the numerical run Of women and men in the world Is Twenty to Twenty-and-one: And hence in the pairing, you see, Since wooing and wedding began, For every connubial score They"ve got a superfluous man!
By twenties and twenties they go, And giddily rush to their fate, For none of the number, of course, Can fail of the conjugal mate; But while they are yielding in scores To nature"s inflexible plan, There"s never a woman for me-- For I"m a superfluous man!
It isn"t that I am a churl, To solitude over-inclined, It isn"t that I am at fault In morals or manners or mind; Then what is the reason, you ask, I"m still with the bachelor clan?
I merely was numbered amiss-- And I"m a superfluous man!
It isn"t that I am in want Of personal beauty or grace, For many a man with a wife Is uglier far in the face.
Indeed, among elegant men I fancy myself in the van; But what is the value of that, When I"m a superfluous man?
Although I am fond of the girls, For aught I could ever discern, The tender emotion I feel Is one that they never return; "Tis idle to quarrel with fate, For, struggle as hard as I can, They"re mated already, you know, And I"m a superfluous man!
No wonder I grumble at times, With women so pretty and plenty, To know that I never was born To figure as one of the Twenty; But yet, when the average lot With critical vision I scan, I think it may be for the best That I"m a superfluous man!
THE USUAL WAY
ANONYMOUS
There was once a little man, and his rod and line he took, For he said, "I"ll go a-fishing in the neighboring brook."
And it chanced a little maiden was walking out that day, And they met--in the usual way.
Then he sat him down beside her, and an hour or two went by, But still upon the gra.s.sy brink his rod and line did lie; "I thought," she shyly whispered, "you"d be fishing all the day!"
And he was--in the usual way.
So he gravely took his rod in hand and threw the line about, But the fish perceived distinctly he was not looking out; And he said, "Sweetheart, I love you," but she said she could not stay, But she did--in the usual way.
Then the stars came out above them, and she gave a little sigh As they watched the silver ripples like the moments running by; "We must say good-by," she whispered by the alders old and gray, And they did--in the usual way.
And day by day beside the stream, they wandered to and fro, And day by day the fishes swam securely down below, Till this little story ended, as such little stories may, Very much--in the usual way.
And now that they are married, do they always bill and coo?
Do they never fret and quarrel, like other couples do?
Does he cherish her and love her? does she honor and obey?
Well, they do--in the usual way.
THE WEDDING FEE
R. M. STREETER