Stop Your Divorce and Save Your Marriage!
Introduction.
If you saw the emotional turmoil portrayed in the movies War of the Roses and Kramer vs. Kramer, you"d probably think twice about divorce. Unhappy individuals who believe that ending their marriage would make them happier are often living a myth.
Chances are that they"ve attributed the failure of the marriage to their spouse, dispensing with self-examination.
Blaming the other instead of oneself becomes the favorite pastime, the most convenient means to walk away.
By failing to accept their own frailties, and not realizing that they"ve entered the marriage with unreasonable demands and unrealistic expectations, they unconsciously released the forces leading to a potential separation.
There"s also the phenomenon of short memories. For some reason, the same individuals who vowed to support each other during their time of wedded bliss have forgotten their commitment and vows to love each other through thick and thin.
Our modern society has indeed become a disposable society.
4.This is what Alvin Toffler had predicted almost two decades ago. This state of "disposableness" is reflected in our ability to DELETE and PURGE and SHRED what we no longer need.
And when our once beloved partner is no longer of use to us, we call our lawyer and instruct him/her to initiate divorce proceedings.
Funny, but despite its harrowing and complex web, divorce has also become just a phone call away, a "to go" solution that we can pick up on the way to cleaner"s.
Truth is, is that divorce has an ugly side to it ugly side to it. It"s the easy way out for people who have not an ounce of courage to salvage what deserves to be salvaged.
Divorce un-builds un-builds and and undoes undoes what took years to nurture, and sadly, often the only people who benefit from it are greedy lawyers who will use every trick in the book to divest the other of a.s.sets, until no remnant of the person"s investment physical, monetary and emotional remains. what took years to nurture, and sadly, often the only people who benefit from it are greedy lawyers who will use every trick in the book to divest the other of a.s.sets, until no remnant of the person"s investment physical, monetary and emotional remains.
While divorcing couples spend their mental energies accusing the other of causing hurt and disharmony in the union, they forget that the children suffer in double triple 5 dosages. Couples forget that the sentiments of children are more fragile and harder to mend. This is when the concept of human selfishness and self-centredness become transparent. It"s odd how the true character of people comes out when they"re the actors in a divorce.
The determination not to be swayed by the lows and downs of a relationship mirrors strength and integrity, not to mention the ability to see beyond one"s personal unhappiness. And by saving the marriage, more than one human being is saved.
This is the essence of this ebook in your hands right now; perhaps the most important that you"ll ever read.
The Unpleasant Side of Divorce Getting married is entering into a contract - but it"s probably the one contract that is the easiest to break because divorce has made it easy for husband and wife to walk out when they go through an unhappy period in their life, albeit 6 temporary.
John Crouch, Executive Director of Americans for Divorce Reform, says that the most important economic contract of our lives marriage is no longer legally protected.
Just think lawyers will fight tooth and nail tooth and nail to protect corporations in their contract relations or between you and your landlord, your mechanic and your doctor, but can"t prevent you from breaking up with your spouse. In fact, they would even counsel you to break up your marriage and then discuss division of property as the next logical step. to protect corporations in their contract relations or between you and your landlord, your mechanic and your doctor, but can"t prevent you from breaking up with your spouse. In fact, they would even counsel you to break up your marriage and then discuss division of property as the next logical step.
Crouch says that marriage is the only contract that anyone can break, at any time, and not be held responsible for it.
"So getting married in America is like doing business in Russia. Everything is up for grabs, everything is constantly renegotiated, and n.o.body has to keep their word. I think that makes for a lot of unhappy marriages. "1 "1 1 John Crouch, Executive Director. Americans for Divorce Reform, Arlington, Virginia.
7.The Dollar Costs of Divorce From a cost perspective, divorce can be economically damaging not only for the state but also for couples.
Consider these figures: - US divorces cost the country $33 billion annually or $312.00 per household; - The average divorce in America costs state and federal governments $30,000 in direct and indirect costs. Direct costs to the state include child support enforcement, Medicaid payments, temporary a.s.sistance to needy families fund (TANF), food stamps and public housing a.s.sistance.2 - To the couple, divorce costs about $18,000 and this would include lost work productivity, relocation costs and legal fees that vary immensely, depending on the nature of the divorce and the situation of the couple.3 2 David G. Schramm, Utah State University, USA.
3 David G. Schramm 8.The Emotional Costs of Divorce And what about the argument that divorce makes people happier after they leave a sad marriage?
Studies appear to suggest that this is a myth, because evidence points to the contrary. According to the Inst.i.tute of American Values, when divorced couples were rated with couples who stayed married on 12 parameters of psychological well-being, it was discovered that on average, couples who divorced were no happier five years after the divorce than were equally unhappily married couples who stayed together.4 There are other reasons why divorced individuals don"t end up happier: *
Depression symptoms do not necessarily diminish with divorce, nor did divorce raise people"s self-esteem; *
Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses; 4 Katherine Heine, c.o.x News Service, Nov. 2005 (www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html) 9.*
Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships.5 Ms. Heines also raised the litigation aspect in most divorces.
She said that a significant number of married people usually want to settle their divorce with the least possible ha.s.sle, but divorce lawyers are a species to be reckoned with. They come up with arguments to justify getting into World War III, and they drag out the paper work.
For divorcing couples who become emotionally and financially spent, is the courtroom drama really all that worth it? Couldn"t couples just talk about their differences without third parties who are in it to line their pockets?
Painless Divorce?
Many lawyers, and those who care to admit it, agree: a painless divorce, like painless dentistry, is non-existent.
And the trauma legal or emotional continues to be felt long after divorcing couples have left the courts.
5 Katherine Heine.
10.Explaining why divorce costs time, energy and money, a lawyer from the law offices of E. Carroll Strauss had this to say: "And whether we notice it or not... marriage is way more like "Joe and Wilma, Inc." than "happily ever after." When we say "I do" we then enter into an economic partnership. We buy cars, houses, books, big-screen TVs. We make babies.
We make plans. We make a.s.sumptions. We get disappointed...Like shareholders, we have invested in the partnership. We invest time, we invest money and we invest emotions. We invest all of these in hopes, and we invest all these things in dreams, and we invest all of these in security. Rare is the man or woman who can walk away from these investments... so de-investing is painful."
Divorce and Children 11.A specialist in human development and family studies from the University of Missouri discussed the impact of divorce on children, mentioning that how they react strongly and differently to their divorcing parents depends on their age.
- I nfants : higher degree of irritability, more crying and fussing, changes in sleeping and eating habits.
- T oddlers : they recognize the fact that one parent is no longer living at home, they have a difficult time physically separating from a parent, may express anger, may lose some skills previously acquired like toilet training, going back to thumb-sucking, experience changes in sleeping patterns, may have nightmares.
- P re-schoolers and early elementary age : may blame themselves for the divorce, may over-worry about changes in their lives, may exhibit sadness and grieving because of the absence of one parent, may be aggressive and violent to the parent they blame for the divorce, may fantasize about their parents getting back together.
- P re-teens: may feel abandoned by the departing 12 parent, may withdraw from friends and favourite activities, may exhibit strange behaviour and use foul language, may feel angry and uncertain about their concepts of love, marriage and family, may feel that they are growing up too soon, and may find themselves preoccupied about their parents" finances.
Some Eye-Opening Statistics - Although divorced people may have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is actually higher than that of first marriages, - Those who get into a live-in arrangement before marrying have a considerably higher chance of divorcing. Reasons are not that clear. This can probably be explained by the fact that the type of people who tend to co-habit may also be those who are more willing to divorce. There is proof that supports the notion that cohabitation itself generates att.i.tudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, one 13 example of which is the thinking that living together is temporary, and hence an arrangement that can easily be terminated.
- Qualitative studies and long term empirical studies have demonstrated that children develop interpersonal problems that become worse in adulthood, thus affecting their own chances at a happy marriage.
- As inferred from the previous statement, children of divorce have a much higher rate of divorce than children whose parents stayed together. The old adage that parents set the example is true in this case.
Children learn about commitment and permanence from parents. For children of divorced parents, these concepts have already been undermined or shaken.
14.- No marriage is perfect. Using a large sample for research purposes, researchers learned that 86 percent of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, but stayed with the marriage, indicated that, when interviewed five years later, they were happier.
In fact 3/5 of those who were previously unhappy considered their marriages as either "very happy" or "quite happy. "6 "6 - A marriage counsellor, after counselling hundreds of couples who were on the path to divorce, raised the idea of "self-talk" as one potential cause of divorce.
This pattern of negative self talk, he contends, is a barrier to a couple"s happiness, much more than a lack of open communication is.
Self talk is the equivalent of an individual"s thoughts. He said: 6 David Popenoe, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J, 2002.
15."Most people do not control their thoughts (self-talk), but they allow their thoughts to control them...for instance, if a man speaks negatively to himself about his wife and he permits this self-talk, he will attract a host of other negative thoughts. As a result of these negative thoughts, he will experience negative feelings anger, jealousy, fear, even hatred, and these negative thoughts and feelings will lead to actions that tend to break up the relationship. "7 "7 The previous statement above clues us into one of the deep-seated causes of divorce, and how this can be easily solved, if couples were honest with themselves and with each other.
Sometimes, it"s not so much the lack of communication that leads to the breakdown (for after all, aren"t men less talkative and less spontaneous than women?), but the pattern of negative thinking that each spouse continually nurtures.
7 Dr. H.B. Biem, Separate Future. Centax Books. Saskatchewan, Canada. 1993.
16.It is surprising to learn how often trivial the reasons are for divorcing, because their personal frustrations and unresolved personal issues are often blown out of proportion.
The Case for Staying Married (It"s still the best inst.i.tution there is!) inst.i.tution there is!) It all comes down to att.i.tude, doesn"t it? Cynics have called marriage the "old ball and chain." Many happily married individuals disagree, because they don"t see marriage as slavery and bondage, where one"s natural instincts and desires have to play second fiddle to the happiness of the other half.
Happily married couples say that marriage has taught them to accept each other"s strengths and possibilities. They argue that by doing that, they transform themselves from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
17.Marriage therefore is an "enabling" form of situation where it means the freedom to be who they really are, to reach for the stars and discover what they are meant to be without ridicule or rejection.
Marriage and Happiness Many of us have read reports that drive home the message: married people are healthier and happier, and hence live longer than single or celibate individuals.
For one, there is the emotional support they receive when the going gets rough, and the fact that married life provides the opportunities to sustain communication between two people, even if one of the spouses just wants to vent out.
In fact one of the reasons people say they like being married is the a.s.surance that there is someone they can come home to at the end of a hard day.
18.For Better or For Worse...
"For better or for worse" is still very much a strong argument for getting and staying married. While some people would be too shy to admit it, the love and support in times of illness can speed up recovery.
People in fact like the "for better or for worse" aspect of marriage because it tells them that no matter what happens, someone will be around.
It goes beyond having a security or safety net. It"s the knowledge that they can count on someone when times are bad, and that alone generates a considerable degree of peace of mind and a sense of calm for the soul.
And here"s a romantic but true - notion of marriage, to which happily married couples will agree: "Marriage moves us from ego to we-go.
The single self shifts from me first to the sacred union of us us...values such as love, honesty, respect, fidelity and dependability form the engine of a good marriage. Little 19 kindnesses are the oil. Without the oil, it will grind. With it, it glides. "8 "8 And how about the simplest reasons for marriage such as: silly little jokes, hugs and cuddling, traveling together, laughing together, quiet times together, mutual friends, s.e.xual intimacy, pillow talk, kissing and making up? Can anyone really put a price tag on these simple pleasures?
Don"t they echo the saying that the best things in life are free?
Oh yes, there is love in relationships, but there is deeper love in a marriage that is on its way to its 25th or 50th year.
Sir Arthur Wing Pinero sums it nicely: "those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young." So did James Thurber: "A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it to me like this: love is what love is what you"ve been through with somebody you"ve been through with somebody.
People who have remained happily married are those who realize gradually that there are actually two marriage 8 Paula Dore of Glenview, Illinois, who partic.i.p.ated in the National Marriage Encounter, an initiative that is all over the United States as compiled by Michael Leach and Therese J. Borchard (editors). I Like Being Married. Doubleday Books.
New York. 2002.
20.contracts, not just one.
The first contract is what everyone is familiar with the one that the priest in a wedding ceremony makes official. The second contract is what couples call the silent contract. It is secret, implicit and largely unconscious. It is this second contract that specifies standards and behaviours our partner should fulfill.
The distinguishing characteristic of this contract is our secret belief that our own feelings, needs, and sense of what is right are most important. One"s expectations of the other can carry risks and can lead to clashes, which couples try to resolve among themselves.
Unfortunately, as mentioned earlier, these conversations are rarely objective or fruitful, given that individuals rarely ask if their expectations are fair and reasonable they just complain endlessly. Happily married couples are those who understand this second silent contract and all of its ramifications.9 Happily married couples are those who continue to invest in the marriage, knowing that for love to flourish, it takes hard 9 Doctors Melvyn Kinder and Connell Cowan. Husbands and Wives: Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire. Clarkson N Potter Inc., New York. 1989.
21.work and substantial amounts of creativity.
Love and physical attraction may take the backseat, especially when the children arrive, but fulfilled couples know that they must stick it out, through thick and thin, for the sake of the emotional well-being of the children.
When couples think of others and not just themselves and make a continuing effort to make the marriage work, they"ve made the best investment they could ever make and they firmly believe in this.
The need to make the partnership work is often the secret of happy marriages. As Masters and Johnson said, "Although these marriages may be loveless, they are not necessarily bad. Even good marriages are susceptible to a disappearance of love. "10 "10 Marriage and Instinct Dr. Mary Pipher, a therapist and anthropologist, points to 10 William Masters, Virginia Johnson, Robert Kolodny. Masters and Johnson on s.e.x and Human Loving. Little, Brown & Company, Ltd. USA. 1985.
22.the family as still an essential unit of the community. When people get married, their hopes are linked to building a home and family.
Dr. Pipher maintains that families are ancient inst.i.tutions.
She said that ever since humans crossed the savannas in search of food, our families have been unique...h.o.m.o sapiens needs families to survive, and bravo to those millions of parents who are trying hard to do the right thing.
Happily married people understand this very basic concept.
It is not just their own nucleus that needs caring, but the entire inst.i.tution of marriage and the social unit known as a family.
When marriages flourish, so do families, and as a result, communities all over the world also flourish. That is how societies become stronger and progressive. When the smallest unit survives, the larger ones survive.
23."I write about families because I love them.
When I travel alone far from home, I think of my children"s faces to calm myself down. I picture them smiling, studying, playing violin or volleyball. I picture my husband"s face bent over his guitar or relaxed and fresh, the way it is on the mornings when we drink coffee together on the front porch. Those faces are my mandalas.
They comfort and secure me. The faces of those we love are the first, the primal, mandalas for us all. "11 "11 These are the sentiments that happily married people nurture and sustain in their hearts. If they focused on their mandalas instead of on their frustrations and unfulfilled desires, these are the people who have shown an incredible willingness of reaching out, of seeing past their own egos.
(Marriage is not the extension of the romance junkie phase.
It is equivalent to a long term commitment that emotionally 11 Doctor Mary Pipher. The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding our Families. G.P.
Putnam"s Sons, New York. 1996.
24.intelligent husbands and wives understand fully.
They know, deep in their hearts, that love and pa.s.sion will not always be on the daily agenda, and may diminish as the responsibilities of their marriage take them to the next level family life.
To conclude this section, here is a statement extracted from the book, Anatomy of Love Anatomy of Love by Helen E. Fisher: by Helen E. Fisher: "When Darwin used the term survival of the survival of the fittest, fittest, he was not referring to your good looks or your bank account; he was counting your children. If you raise babies that have babies, you are what nature calls fit. You have pa.s.sed your genes to the next generation and in terms of survival you have won...only in tandem can either men or women reproduce and pa.s.s on the beat of life." he was not referring to your good looks or your bank account; he was counting your children. If you raise babies that have babies, you are what nature calls fit. You have pa.s.sed your genes to the next generation and in terms of survival you have won...only in tandem can either men or women reproduce and pa.s.s on the beat of life."
25.How to Save Your Marriage We have painted the unpleasant side of divorce to help you realize that it may not necessarily be the solution to your unhappiness, and in the second section, we"ve advanced arguments to promote the numerous advantages of marriage and staying married.
But life does have hitches and will always be full of obstacles, threatening the stability of married life. We now offer some tips on how to save your marriage when you sense that it"s on the rocks or needs a re-overhauling.
Recognizing Gender Differences Men and women perceive emotion, communication, s.e.x, fidelity, work and money because of the way they were socialized and because they have been shaped by their own parents" perceptions.
They bring these ideas into the marriage and hence have 26 their own baggage of beliefs regarding what is tolerable and intolerable in a marriage, what they have to give their spouse and what to expect in return.