"I didn"t ask you to."
The row of white knights had already taken Mordred and were just steps away from us. Kato finished the spar with one last swing of his ax, knocking me off my feet.
"No hard feelings," Kato said.
"Then what was that for?" I grumbled.
"Huntsman don"t wear heels."
I looked down, and sure enough, the bottom of my boots had been shorn off. I had little doubt that wherever Dorthea was, she was horrified at the fashion mutilation. Or maybe those were my feelings. It was getting harder to separate them anymore. And I didn"t have time to try before a pair of orderlies grabbed my arms.
"Don"t struggle on the way to the headmistress, a.s.suming you wish to meet her in one piece."
"Rule #19: Be kind to all. When throwing a ball or event, it"s imperative to be inclusive. One lost invitation to an evil fairy has been known to ruin a whole party."
-Definitive Fairy-Tale Survival Guide, Volume 2: Villains.
20.
It"s Only a Model.
I complied with the orderlies" request because I really did not want to go into the double-digit death count, but also because I was pixing confused. Going to see Hydra should have been positive, but both Kato and Mordred looked as if they were marching toward the hangman"s noose. The orderlies led us over the hill toward a huge stone castle. A sign stood out front. It did not say Camelot.
Academy of Villains: Legends Campus.
"Change of management, indeed," I said, swearing under my breath.
I expected that we"d go into the castle, but we were prodded past the entrance to a much smaller version of Camelot. Chintzy construction. More like a shack covered with an elaborate facade to mimic a castle.
Well, that solved the mystery of what happened to Hydra"s chicken house. Gwennie apparently lived in a model castle.
An orderly knocked on the door, then turned tail and ran, taking the rest of the white knights with him. Mordred shifted from foot to foot, probably wondering if he could follow suit. A panel in the door slid open, showing a wide-faced old man with an epic amount of facial hair. The long, white beard curled in tendrils, like he had a hairy octopus stuck to his chin rather than a beard.
"Please tell me that"s not Hydra," I muttered under my breath, just loud enough for Kato to hear me.
"Merlin," he answered. "And don"t speak unless you absolutely have to, since you sound like a girl."
"And why shouldn"t I? Isn"t Merlin the guy who sent the fair-e-mrph-" Kato put me in a headlock, a hand over my mouth, cutting me off.
"The great and magnificent Merlin has far better things to do than deal with..." The man squinted through his inch-thick gla.s.ses. "You boys again. And-ack. You"re multiplying."
"Why did the alarm go off? Did any girls breach the defenses? Drown them. Throw them in the lake. Just keep the hussies away from me!" a shrill voice called from inside.
"Just the usual troublemakers. I"ll handle it," boomed Merlin.
"What"s taking so long?" she yelled. "Is Sparkles all right?"
I pried Kato"s hand off me and snorted. "Sparkles?"
Mortimer, the emerald dragon, ignored me and put his claw to his head. "I"ll find a way to soldier on somehow, though I"ve been gravely wounded," he yelled loudly so the woman inside could hear him.
Merlin added another circle of gla.s.s to his spectacles, presumably upping the magnification. While he gave me a once-over, he chewed on his lip, which made his octopus-beard look like it was doing a jig. "Get out of my sight while you can." When I didn"t move fast enough, he opened the door a crack and tried pushing me away. From inside the mini-castle, a chorus of yowls answered him and "Sparkles" slipped by Merlin and dashed inside.
Merlin grabbed my wrist. With a screech, he released his grip just as fast. "b.l.o.o.d.y magnificent. What have you gone and done now?" he moaned, cradling his fingers like I"d burned them. "As if things weren"t complicated enough. Well, you can"t very well leave now. After that much caterwauling and the tattling gemstone nuisance, Gwenevere will demand to see you, boy." The door pulled open all the way, opening the air to the full effect of the meowing alarms. "Walk quickly through the catacombs if you value your hearing."
The catacombs was actually a hallway of crystal cat trinkets. They were all different sizes and colors. One or two had clearly seen better days, having been glued back together. But all were alive and howling as Mortimer trotted Mordred, Kato, and I down the hall.
Hydra"s house was an a.s.sault to my senses. Underneath the meowing and hissing, I could just make out the steady thrum of a Taylor Quick song: I knew you were evil when you walked in. The smell of moldy roses lingered in the air. My eyes had trouble adjusting to the astounding amount of purple waiting for us at the end of hall. Rug, walls, drapes, and....
"Oh my Grimm."
I could only stare dumbly at the woman behind the desk. A woman wearing a deep-purple, dragon-skin muumuu, which considering her ma.s.sive girth, made her look a bit like the dragon Barney.
Her head tilted a bit off-kilter, the gloopy neck stump making it easy to recognize her as another incarnation of Hydra. But I had to be looking at Gwennie, or rather Gwenevere, of legend. But Hydra showed not a single clue that she knew who I was. She was either a far better actress than she had ever given me indication, or Kato was right and this head transformation had not gone as planned.
Hydra/Gwenevere"s hair was done up in an intricate spiral that framed her face, a face that was smooth like porcelain and just as flawless. The rest of her left something to be desired. In my defense, the body I"d fetched was a woman, and with curves just like Verte had requested. It"s not my fault that she didn"t say exactly how big she wanted those curves. Or where. The gut was a perfectly logical choice, really. But I didn"t need stolen memories of Dorthea"s fashion sense to know the dress she was wearing was a crime.
"So you three are the cause of all this ruckus. Sit," Gwenevere snapped and pointed to a row of chairs in front of a large, wooden desk that was cluttered with knickknacks. The desk and everything on it was dusty and musty and completely out of place in the very feminine, lilac, floral-wallpapered room. On the desk there was a wizarding war trophy from centuries ago that had Merlin"s name inscribed on it.
I sat down slowly, waiting for some sign of recognition from Hydra. Kato was still giving me the eye. Like his big, winter-blue eyeb.a.l.l.s were screaming, Don"t screw up.
The emerald dragon clamored up onto the desk. "I was just doing my job patrolling, and they came out of nowhere and attacked me to break the barrier." He pointed his gem tail at Mordred. "It was that one. The really bad man was the ringleader." He sniffed, putting his head in the air a bit.
"Aw, now, sweetums, what has mummy told you? There are no bad men, just men that make bad choices."
"I could have taken him, but everyone knows the dark prince doesn"t play fair."
Gwennie quit rubbing noses with the dragon and stared down Mordred. "I"ve tried to keep the past in the past, so we can focus on your future. However, you don"t seem to be making much progress, so perhaps we need to rethink how much future you have."
Mordred stared back. "I will not apologize."
Gwennie stood up and walked around the desk. I think she was trying to slink, but, well, she more sort of oozed and hoisted herself up on the desk in front of the prince. "You can"t apologize since you clearly don"t know what you did wrong."
"I told thee when I came here that I care not for your treatment. I live only for the grail and restoring Camelot to what it should have been before Arthur"s terrible reign. I regret your trinket got in my way, but I did what needest to be done. That is not wrong."
Gwennie leaned forward and placed a hand on Mordred, her voice like poisoned honey. "What"s wrong is that you got caught." She sighed. "I know you and my first husband had your little battle. You lost. So I need you to ask yourself: How bad do you want to win this time? Clearly your inept attempts are a cry for help. You"ve got to commit one hundred and ten percent. The only one standing in your way is you." She turned to Kato and ran the back of her hand down his face while he tried to suppress a shudder. "And you, you poor, handsome lackey. I"m afraid you seem to be doomed to be a hopeless underling. Keep working at it, and remember that the best endings belong to the bold." She turned to me. "And you..." She paused and crinkled her nose, her voice less honey and more acid. "I don"t know you. Who are you and why are you here?"
"Rex, the huntsman," Kato answered for me. "He"s my annoying cousin, always following me around. I was just sending him back-"
"Shh." She pinched his lips together to cut off his rambling. "Lesson number five, Sir Kay. Mind your own business and look out for yourself if you want to stay ahead." She softened her face and turned to Merlin. "It seems we have an intruder in our midst. It is imperative that this remains a secure facility." She twirled her finger in his beard.
"It is, my lady."
Still intertwining Merlin"s beard, she yanked her hand down while her voice went up an octave, rattling the crystal kitties. "Then what is this person doing here?"
"Well...you see..."
"Not good enough. Anything but perfection is a failure. Next time we could have heroes busting in, putting all our progress in jeopardy as they hope to make a name for themselves. Or worse, we could have an invasion of maidens seeking to be cursed or take my rightful place." She let go of Merlin and inched closer to me. "In fact, maybe it"s too late. You don"t look manly enough to be the Huntsman."
Now I was starting to see why Kato had warned me off. I was also starting to worry that the Gwennie head had been in that ironwood lockbox for a very good reason.
"It"s just like, um, Kay said. Except I"m not the Huntsman. Just his kid." I coughed. "His son. Nope, no girl cooties on me. Takes a man to live in the forest, my dad always said," I added, pitching my voice lower. The last part was true at least. "Anyway, I"ve heard about your school. And I"m here to learn. Stuff."
Kato sighed heavily and scrunched up his face. I rolled my eyes. Maybe I"d said the wrong thing, but Gwennie stopped looking like she wanted to eat me.
"Yes, I think I"ve read a bit of your story. I can see the resemblance to your father. You certainly look weak and could benefit from our treatments. So if that"s to be the case, let us seize the day and get started."
"Wait...treatments?"
She ignored me and picked up a spellphone. "It"s me. Gather the patients...mmmhmm. Yes, we are having an impromptu group therapy session." She paused. "Oh...I"m thinking at the Globe, so ready the unicorns for the treatment."
A pair of orderlies grabbed my arms and marched me out before I could even say, "Unicorns?"
"You can tell a true A-list villain from the wannabes by how exotic their evil, pampered pets are. Parrots and white cats are for common crooks."
-Robin Leeches, Lifestyles of the Rich and Villainous.
21.
Extreme Group Therapy.
The orderlies led us back down the hill and to a round barnlike building made of wood and stone. At the entrance, the guys were led to the left, while I got nudged right. I was not a princess, so I can only blame Dorthea"s bond intruding again, but as we pa.s.sed the stables, I couldn"t help but squeal.
"They"re so cute!" Each stall housed a miniature pony. Some were unicorns, some were pegasi, but all had vibrant and colorful coats, manes, and tails. They were abso-pixing-dorable. "Can I pet one?"
My guards snickered at me. "You"ll get your chance."
They prodded me to keep walking. As I pa.s.sed, a little, pink pony sneezed, spraying glitter every which way. Maybe this unicorn-therapy thing wouldn"t be so bad.
The first sign that I was wrong was quite literally more signs. Brightly colored art hung on the wooden support beams. Some were finger paintings, or tentacle paintings, I suppose, since they seemed to be signed by Cthulhu. Next, I pa.s.sed a poster proclaiming "Hang in there," which pictured a man in black hanging from a noose in a tree. But he was giving a thumbs-up, so I guess the visual was supposed to be encouraging.
After a few more depressing motivational posters, I exited the round hall and walked into a dirt-floor arena. Merlin and Gwenevere waited alone in the middle, but I could hear rustling and stomping from all directions. I turned and looked around. Another sign that this was not going well? I had an audience.
Orderlies led Kato, Mordred, and who I a.s.sumed were the other "patients" into balconies painted in happy primary colors. It looked like a rainbow had thrown up in here. And at a glance, the audience looked like the who"s who of wanted posters, except in this setting, they looked more pathetic than powerful. Aladdin"s evil sorcerer petted a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. A skeevy pirate glared at me while twirling his bluebeard. Even the really pale guy with a cap and fangs didn"t look too intimidating when he was plopped down on a sunny-yellow beanbag chair. Plus, his skin sparkled when the light hit him.
But it was the middle of the arena that made alarms go off in my brain, louder than if the hunchback rang the bells in my belfry. Merlin took two steps to the side, revealing a post with built-in shackles.
I cursed and struggled while the orderlies chained me to the post. "I thought this was a school. What the hex?"
Gwennie smiled broadly and gave my cheek a pinch. She turned to the balconies of beanbags. "h.e.l.lo, my dear men. Welcome to today"s meeting of Villains Anonymous. Before we say our affirmations, I will let our newest initiate introduce himself."
I glared and clamped my mouth shut.
Gwennie tsked. "Admitting you have a problem is the hardest part, and we are all here to help you through the steps. Everyone say h.e.l.lo to Rex."
"h.e.l.lo, Rex," dozens of voices unenthusiastically hollered back.
Gwen continued, "When Merlin asked me to head up this little academy, it was a horrible place to learn to be vile." The crowd grumbled. "Relish in the suffering of others." More murmurs, some excited. "Act downright cruel." That one got a bit of applause. "It broke my heart." Gwen put her hand to her chest. "Those behaviors will only give you temporary joy, not a lasting happy ever after. What you need is love."
There was no reaction from the audience.
While cheesy, Gwen"s philosophy sounded okay. Maybe this would work out after all.
Gwennie"s lip quivered, and she fanned invisible tears. "You need to love yourselves and find pride in your villainy if you want to succeed in taking over the world. Which is why I took over and transformed this abysmal place into the Enlightened Villains Inst.i.tute and Laboratory."
"Wait, what?" I said over the audience"s standing ovation.
"Now, everyone, say the serenity prayer with me."
"There is serenity in my villainy," everyone said in unison. "Storymakers crafted me a story I could not change. But now I will find the courage to change what I can. And take the power to make up the difference."
Their booming voices. .h.i.t my chest like a drum.
"What is this?" I asked Gwen while villains hugged it out and shook hands. "The rules of Story got busted, so now it"s an evil free-for-all where good isn"t guaranteed to win?"
"Perception is reality." With a snap, she had two orderlies bring over a king-size mirror and place it right in front of me, so I was forced to look at my reflection. "Take a good look. What do you see?"
It was the first chance I"d been able to get a good peek at myself for a while. My short, blond hair was drying from my swim in the lake and starting to poke up again. Lake muck was smudged over a good bit of my face. And the leather Huntsmen-line hooded coat I"d swiped from DumBeau back in the forest really did make my shoulders look broader. I looked anything but feminine.
Which was good, since it seemed that Gwenevere had a jealous streak wider than her waistline.
"A huntsman," I answered.
"These mirrors no longer show what is real. So we have to use a few other tricks." She blew some glitter at me. "Tell me again: What do you see?"
I saw the same reflection. But instead I replied, "A n.o.body."
Gwennie grinned widely. "Yes, that"s what all those who write the stories want you to believe. That you are a n.o.body. That you"re no good. A lowlife hood."
I chuckled because she might be speaking to Rex the Huntsman, but the same applied to Rexi Hood.
"I"m telling you that there is no evil or good. There is only success or failure. The winner gets called a hero and the loser, a villain or a Forgotten. Well, who says the good guy wins?" She turned to the crowd and smashed the mirror to the ground. "Who says we are not the good guys? We need to be honest about who and what we really are and stop being ashamed of ourselves. We need to stop sabotaging ourselves because we don"t think we are worth it." Her tone quieted. "You, Rex, are worth it."
My eyes were warm and wet from the glitter. It had nothing to do with the fact that it was the first time anyone had ever said anything like that to me. What she said made more sense than anything I"d heard in ages.
"Now prove it." She yelled to the orderlies, "Release my little ponies! I"ll be in my rooms. Send him to me if he survives the first trial."
Gwen hastily made an exit.
Survives? I shook my head to clear the glitter out of it. I"d forgotten I was tied to a stake.