Chapter 153 - What’s the Name of the Dish: An Angel With Broken Wings
Translated by Eve
Edited by Serefina
11. What’s the Name of the Dish: An Angel With Broken Wings
Han Wenqian practically lived at the hospital. Even if he had work he had to do, he’d bring as much of it to the hospital to do as he could. He stayed at the hospital with Xie He like this, personally taking care of him.
In a blink of an eye, a little over a month pa.s.sed. Xie He showed no signs of waking. Today, Han Wenqian sat by Xie He’s bedside, wiping Xie He down with a wet towel as always. He then stroked the young man’s wane, sallow face…and bent down to plant a kiss on Xie He’s lips.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you.
You haven’t seen me repent yet, how can you leave like this?
And I never told you that I love you…you’re my younger brother, but you’re also the person I love the most.
【Ding, the target Han Wenqian’s Favourability Value +2. The current Favourability Value is 92.】
Han Wenqian examined Xie He’s serene face. He recalled all the little things from those warm and comforting days in the past but there was only anguish in his eyes. He just kept staring like this. After some time, he somehow ended up falling asleep, head pillowed on the bed. Since Xie He had gotten injured, Han Wenqian had not had a single good night’s rest. He would frequently busy himself for several days and nights in a row and wait until his body collapsed from exhaustion. In this short amount of time, the once strong, cold, staunch man, was reduced to a sallow sh.e.l.l of himself.
The next morning, when Han Wenqian woke up, his arm had gone numb. His first reaction was to check on Xie He, to see if he had woken up yet…. However, Xie He was still unconscious. Han Wenqian was already used to this disappointment. He lowered his gaze and covered up his dejection before standing up calmly to pull open the blinds.
The weather was quite nice today. The golden sun shone through, as if bringing a certain degree of warmth into this ice-cold world. Despite this…it could not warm his heart.
Han Wenqian turned and smiled at Xie He gently. “You’re so pale. You should bask in the sun a bit more. When you wake up, I’ll take you out. It’s not good to always hole up at home, is it?”
He spoke to himself, caressing Xie He’s hair. It was a bit long now. Perhaps he needed a cut.
Han Wenqian stared at Xie He, reluctant to part. He had to go out today for some business. Although he would be back soon, even a single second apart was torturous. In the end, he sighed. But the moment he was about to turn around, he saw Xie He’s eyelashes twitch.
Han Wenqian felt his heart catch in his throat. His breath slowed down as his face tensed up. He was afraid that he was just seeing things. He stared at Xie He for ten minutes. Near the end of those ten minutes…Xie He’s eyelashes moved again. Those long, curled lashes slowly fluttered open, revealing hazy, puzzled black eyes.
Han Wenqian had never known that seeing someone blink could put him so on edge, as if he were in a life-or-death situation. He suddenly felt like his throat was blocked and he couldn’t speak. In the end, all that he was able to say in a trembling voice was, “You’re awake.”
Xie He stared at the man in front of him. Han Wenqian’s face was full of worry and apprehension. This familiar, concerned appearance—it felt like it had been an entire lifetime since he last saw Han Wenqian like this. Xie He recalled that he had been in a car accident. He was probably dead and this was Heaven. So…that was why he got to see the older brother who used to dote on him again.
When Xie He thought of the version of his older brother that had protected and loved him, he couldn’t help but flash a radiant smile. He looked at the other with a nostalgic expression and said, “Ge…I really missed you.”
So it seems that in Heaven, nothing had changed.
Han Wenqian stopped breathing. He had thought of many scenarios that may occur—Xie He would look at him with disgust and loathing or perhaps disappointment and indifference—but he hadn’t thought that the first thing Xie He would say to him when he woke up would be I really missed you.
Xie He had also smiled at him when he said that he missed him.
Han Wenqian suddenly wondered if he was dreaming. But this dream felt very realistic. It was so realistic it seemed real.
But he didn’t want to wake up. Because he would never be able to see such a beautiful dream again.
His dreams were all filled with endless darkness.
Han Wenqian closed his eyes softly. There was a suppressed, intense emotion hidden within his mellow voice. He said, “Me too.”
Xie He smiled slightly, dimples appearing faintly. As expected, he must have died. His big brother also said he missed him, ne. He struggled, wanting to get up, but found that his body felt heavy and drained of strength. Why was it still so painful even after death? Xie He looked wronged. He said, “Ge, my hand hurts a lot.”
Han Wenqian’s expression froze. These words were like an ice-cold hand that was pulling him out of his beautiful dream, reminding him that his mistakes still existed. They could not be erased. What was even worse…was that it was the person he loved the most that had to deal with the consequences of his actions instead.
Han Wenqian looked at Xie He, deep sorrow in his eyes. He softly said, “It’ll heal soon. Wait until it’s better. It won’t hurt then.”
Xie He didn’t seem to understand. He flashed an inquisitive look, “But I’m already dead. How can I still be injured?”
Xie He stared at Han Wenqian with pale face and dark eyes. He didn’t understand. He looked like a dumbfounded child who had yet to realize how cruel reality was.
Han Wenqian realized what was going on in that instant. Xie He thought he was dead.
That was why he said that he missed Han Wenqian. He missed the big brother from his memories.
Not the big brother who had hurt him, rendering him bruised all over.
Han Wenqian suddenly felt his eyes sting. He endured the turbulent sorrow within him and gently caressed Xie He’s face. He said, “You’re not dead. You’re still alive. You’re just hurt.”
Xie He still didn’t believe him. He furrowed his brows and shook his head. “You’re lying. If I didn’t die, why would you treat me so well?”
Han Wenqian shut his eyes in pain and said in a hoa.r.s.e voice, “You’re really not dead.”
He maneuvred Xie He’s bed so that he was now in a sitting position. He then opened the window. The joyous sounds of laughter and conversation filtered in with the fresh air. The world suddenly became much more lively around them. Han Wenqian looked at his beloved and couldn’t stop himself from gently hugging the other lovingly. He planted a gentle kiss on the side of the other’s lips and said, “Look. This is the hospital. Your injuries will be all better really soon. Everything will be all better really soon.”
Xie He stared out the window. After some time, he finally accepted the truth.
The pain in his body reminded him that the man’s embrace was also real, as was the scorching warmth his kiss brought…. He really hadn’t died. He was still alive…. The light slowly diminished from Xie He’s eyes. All that was left was icy stillness.
So, that beautiful scene just now had been fake. This was just another trap. The more beautiful it looked on the outside, the more filthy it was on the inside…and the more cruelly it would hurt him.
The person holding him right now was not the big brother in his memories but…the man who had destroyed his everything.
This person’s intimate actions and kiss made him recall those terrifying memories. They made him feel fear and disgust.
The smile disappeared from Xie He’s face. His voice turned quiet and serene. He said, “I understand. You can let go of me now.”
Han Wenqian didn’t want to let go of Xie He. He had missed him so much.
Xie He tightly pursed his lips, pain filling his eyes. He suddenly shouted hysterically, “Let go of me! Let go of me, ah! I said that I wouldn’t show up in front of you anymore! Wasn’t this what you wanted?! I already left! Why won’t you let me off?!”
His agitated, angry voice was like a sharp knife plunging into Han Wenqian’s heart.
Yes, that was what he had said. And this was the consequences of those actions…. Han Wenqian swallowed down the bitterness. He was afraid that Xie He would hurt himself from thras.h.i.+ng about so he slowly let go. It was like…he was letting go of the only thing that could give him salvation….
His voice was pained. “I won’t do anything to you. Don’t get worked up….”
Xie He turned to look at Han Wenqian, but there was no longer nostalgia or a smile on his face. There was only vigilance and hurt. There was also an indistinct, complicated hatred within. He said, “Why am I here? And why are you here?”
Han Wenqian didn’t know how he had managed to open his lips but he could hear his own wooden voice. “You were hurt in a car accident, that’s why you’re here. As for me, I…I just came to take care of you….”
Take care of me? Xie He didn’t believe him. He recalled the last conversation Qin Ye and he had before the accident as well as Han Wenqian’s heartless schemes. Utter sorrow slowly filled his eyes. He quietly said, “You were worried that I’d come back and steal what’s yours? You…you don’t have to worry about that. I won’t fight you. I can’t fight you either.”
Han Wenqian’s lips trembled. “That’s not it….”
Xie He didn’t want to stay here any longer. He got up, trying to leave, but realized that he still had a tube inside of him and his hands were both wrapped in heavy gauze. He couldn’t see them at all or move a single finger. All he felt was pain.
H-his hands were hurt?
Xie He’s pupils constricted. Right then, panic flooded him. He could not think about anything else! He raised his hands up to tear at the gauze with his teeth. He had to know what had happened to his hands!
Han Wenqian could not watch any longer. He promptly went over to suppress Xie He’s movements, holding him tightly. He spoke in a soft, comforting voice, “Don’t move, don’t move…..We’ll take it off when it’s healed…you can’t take it off right now.”
Xie He couldn’t break free from Han Wenqian’s hold. Terrible dread was plastered all over his face and his voice was shaky, “What’s wrong with my hands? Why can’t I move them? It hurts so much….”
Han Wenqian recalled the doctor’s words. There was only despair in his heart. How could he tell Xie He that? His younger brother cherished his hands so much. He loved music with so much pa.s.sion. But now, he would never be able to play the piano again. He wouldn’t even be able to hold anything heavy again….
Han Wenqian’s voice was stiff and held repressed emotions as he said, “It’s only a small injury. It’ll be fine once you’ve recovered. Bear with it a bit.”
Xie He’s gaze was vacant. The extreme fear made him instinctively want to grasp at straws. He asked in a shaky voice, “Is that true? You’re not lying, right…?”
Han Wenqian rubbed his back and said, “I’m not lying. Just rest and everything will be better.”
Xie He’s body shook.
Han Wenqian felt like his heart was bleeding. But he still said, “If you don’t want to see me, I’ll leave. Rest easy, okay?” Right now, Xie He was very agitated. He didn’t want to upset him so he decided to step back for now.
Xie He was silent for a long time before nodding.
Han Wenqian gazed at Xie He tenderly and then slowly let go. He saw that Xie He was indeed calm now and did not struggle anymore, and then left.
He leaned against the wall, tilting his head upwards and covering his eyes with one hand. After some time pa.s.sed, he went to call a nurse. He didn’t feel a.s.sured letting Xie He stay there alone.
The nurse arrived quickly. Han Wenqian gave her detailed instructions. He watched the nurse enter and was about to leave when he heard the nurse cry out in alarm before he could even turn around. Han Wenqian’s heart caught in his throat and he rushed in without thinking!
As soon as he entered, he saw that Xie He had used his teeth to tear off the gauze on his hands. There was madness in the other’s eyes. Because his actions were too rough, his unhealed wounds had all torn open. His terrifying hands were fully exposed. His joints were all covered in scars and they looked like ugly trees. Blood dripped down onto the bed sheets. The snow-white sheets made the hands look even more horrifying. They were no longer beautiful as they had once been….
Xie He stared at his hands. It hurt so much, it hurt so much…. He just wanted to move them a little bit, but he couldn’t even stretch them out. There was only extreme pain….
Why had his hands become like this?
Han Wenqian shouted, “Doctor! Where’s the doctor?!” and then rushed over to grab hold of Xie He, not letting him make any other movements. He looked at Xie He’s hands, heart twisting in pain. But he forced himself not to lose his composure. He said to Xie He, “It just looks bad. When you’ve healed, it’ll be fine.”
Xie He looked despondent. After some time, he turned to say to Han Wenqian, “You’re lying to me.”
Han Wenqian wanted to continue talking, but when faced with Xie He’s cold, still eyes, he suddenly couldn’t say a word.
Xie He gave him a cold look and said, “You are lying to me. I will never recover. You’ve been lying to me this whole time….”
He would never recover. He had even lost his hands….
The doctor finally rushed over. When he saw Xie He’s appearance, he couldn’t help but furrow his brows. He helped redo Xie He’s dressing but Xie He was not cooperative at all. In the end, they had to sedate him to make him calm down in order to wrap his hands again.
Han Wenqian stared at Xie He who had fallen into a deep sleep. He could not suppress the grief and powerlessness in his heart. What should he do…?
At midnight, Xie He suddenly woke up in pain. The pain from his withdrawal symptoms overtook him again. Han Wenqian hadn’t been sleeping. He carefully bound Xie He’s limbs and tightly strapped him down to the bed. He then fed the other his pain medication. Xie He quickly became muddleheaded. He began to shout nonstop. In the beginning, it was save me, save me…. In the end, it became kill me, kill me….
Seeing Xie He like this made Han Wenqian feel so much pain he wanted to die. But he watched the entire process without averting his eyes.
This was the retribution to his crimes. He could not run away. Even if it was painful, he could not run away…. He just hated that he was not the one suffering, and that it was the person he loved who had to instead….
And he regretted his helplessness.
【Ding, the target Han Wenqian’s Favourability Value +2. The current Favourability Value is 94.】
After a long period of time, Xie He calmed down. His gaze was slack and his mouth was half open.
Han Wenqian went to the washroom to wring a towel with warm water. He then gently wiped down Xie He’s face. Xie He finally seemed to react. He slowly turned to look at Han Wenqian and said, “Kill me.”
Han Wenqian paused. He then continued to wipe Xie He’s face. He didn’t reply.
Xie He looked at him pleadingly. His voice was filled with despair and madness, “Kill me. Trash like me should die. Please…I’m useless, I’m trash. I should die….”
He had completely fallen apart. His last reason to live had disappeared.
Han Wenqian’s eyes were cryptic and difficult to read in the night. Xie He could not see just how much pain and grief was inside. Han Wenqian only slowly said, “You can make it. Everything will be better. I promise….”
He hugged Xie He slightly and spoke into his ear. “Don’t give up, I beg you….”
Xie He didn’t listen though. His mind was muddled. But because he couldn’t break free, he slowly fell asleep.
Han Wenqian cupped Xie He’s face and kissed him gently. He was afraid that Xie He would loathe his intimacy when he was awake. He could only wait until the other was asleep to touch him….
………………………………
【Xie He：Honestly speaking, what I need right now isn’t the hospital, ah….】
【444：Then what do you need? Yummy food? Movies? A s.e.x life? @[email protected]】
【Xie He：I want to go to Nepal and find a great wizard to learn magic from, ah. Smile.JPG】
【444：……】
【Xie He：It’s so boring and tedious. If this continues, I won’t be able to keep loving him. Sigh.JPG 】
【444：……】Did you ever love him?
Han Wenqian kept a very tight watch on Xie He. He didn’t give him any chance to hurt himself. After a few days, Xie He’s mood seemed to stabilize. He stopped shouting that he wanted to die. But he became quiet and slow to react, his mind perpetually wandering.
Every day, aside from having to take a lot of medicine for his injuries, he also had to take antidepressants. He had to endure the daily torment of his addiction too. He became more and more despondent by day.
Han Wenqian took this all in. His heart hurt but there was nothing he could do about it.
It was easy to hurt others but wanting to make up for it was difficult. It was as difficult as wanting to make the sun rise from the west….
Every second of the day, Xie He’s appearance reminded Han Wenqian of the unforgivable mistakes he’d made.
He couldn’t help but recall when the young man had been optimistic and cheerful. He had grown up with no worries because they had all protected him. When he smiled, he had looked as brilliant as the sun. When he smiled, he looked like an angel. When he sat before a piano, he looked like a prince. How could you not love him?
But now, he looked ghastly, so pale that it looked like he would disappear from this world at any moment.
One couldn’t make out even the tiniest bit of his original beautiful appearance…. There wasn’t even a hint of the brightness he had seen in those eyes in the past anymore. The young man would only ever stare blankly at the wall or look like a startled animal, fear filling his eyes. He lived cautiously, like life was an arduous task.
Whenever the skies were clear, Han Wenqian would take Xie He out for a stroll to bask in the sun. At night, he would tie him to his bed.
After some time, Xie He’s outer wounds became more or less healed. Actually, his hands had gotten better, but Han Wenqian couldn’t bear to let Xie He see his grotesque-looking hands. He was afraid that it would set him off. Therefore, he had the doctor continue to wrap it, and he told Xie He that they couldn’t take the gauze off yet. Xie He seemed like he didn’t doubt him. He paid it little attention. Most of the time, he stared off into s.p.a.ce. But he was also becoming increasingly timid.
Don’t even mention chopsticks. Right now, it took a lot of effort to even use a spoon. Therefore, Han Wenqian would always feed Xie He. He would bring some food to Xie He’s lips and the other would eat it very obediently.
However, Han Wenqian knew that it wasn’t because Xie He wanted to be obedient. He could feel that Xie He was afraid of him, although the other never said it.
He knew because he could see the fear in Xie He’s eyes.
In Xie He’s eyes, Han Wenqian was a demon that had tormented him terribly. He had also trapped him and was unwilling to give him release. He forced him to continue living, to continue suffering. Therefore…Xie He feared him.
This look made Han Wenqian’s heart warp in pain. He missed the admiring, dependent gaze the young man used to direct towards him. But it would never come back….
Regardless, he didn’t give up. He would not watch as the person he loved died.
That night, Han Wenqian helped wash Xie He as always.
Xie He found bath time to be the most difficult time of his day. He had to endure that man touching all parts of his body, including that shameful place. He couldn’t help but remember those days in which he had been humiliated.
As Xie He felt Han Wenqian undressing him, he couldn’t help but let out a trembling, quiet voice. “I-I’m fine now. I can wash myself….”
Han Wenqian’s actions paused. He took in Xie He’s pleading expression and then let go without any hesitation. He said, “OK.” He then turned to leave the washroom, but he didn’t leave the room. He stood at the door, carefully listening to the sounds of movement inside. This was so he could rush in the moment he figured something was wrong.
But…it was okay. It was quiet inside. There was only the sound of the water rus.h.i.+ng. Xie He didn’t seem to be doing anything dangerous. It was just that was.h.i.+ng seemed to take a long time. After ten minutes, Han Wenqian couldn’t help himself from saying, “Xiao Xin, can I come in?”
There was no response for a while. Then, a feeble vice said, “Wait a bit. I’m not done.”
Han Wenqian felt a baffling sense of anxiety. A few more minutes pa.s.sed and he could not suppress his concern. Why was it taking him so long to wash…? His hand fell onto the handle and he pursed his lips, pus.h.i.+ng the door open.
As soon as he saw the scene inside, his expression changed. He charged in and shut off the faucet. His heart ached as he looked at Xie He…it had only been a few minutes and yet….
He had ended up like this.
Xie He had turned the water to the hottest it could go. The hot water had scalded his skin, turning it very red and wrinkled. However, he didn’t look to be in pain. He had curled up his body and had squatted down at a corner of the tub. His eyes were hazy and he said, stupefied, “I’m so dirty. I can’t get clean. What should I do…?”
Han Wenqian felt like someone was choking him.
The author has something to say:
Hee hee.
sere: Hee hee my a.s.s.