Breitenstein, 21 Jahre in India, vol. i, p. 224.
APPENDIX B.
HISTORIES OF s.e.xUAL DEVELOPMENT.
The histories here recorded are similar in character to those given in Appendix B of the previous volume.
HISTORY I.-C. D., clergyman, age, 34. Height about 5 ft. 8 in. Weight, 8st. 8lb. Complexion, fair. Physical infirmities, very myopic, tendency to consumption.
"My family is of old lineage on both sides. My parents were normal and fairly healthy; but I consider that heredity, though not vitiated, is somewhat overrefined, and there is a neuropathic tendency, which has appeared in myself and in one or two other members of the family. As a child, I suffered, though not very frequently, from nocturnal enuresis. My s.e.xual nature, though normal, has been keenly alive and sensitive as far back as I can remember; and as I look back I discern within myself in early childhood what I now understand to be a decided m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic or pa.s.sively algolagnic tendency. So far as I remember, this manifested itself in me in two aspects; one psychic or sentimental and free from carnality, expressing itself in imaginative visions such as the following: I used, to imagine myself kneeling before a young and beautiful woman and being sentenced by her to some punishment, and even threatened with death. At other times I would picture myself as a wounded soldier watched over on his sickbed by queenly women. These visions always included an imagination of something heroic in my own personality. No doubt they were the same kind of dreamings as are present in mult.i.tudes of imaginative children; they are only of interest in so far as a s.e.xual element was present; and that was algolagnic in character.
"I had a small fund of natural common sense; and my surroundings were not favorable to sentimental imaginings; consequently I believe I began to throw them off at an early age, though the temperament which produced them is still a part of my nature.
"On the carnal side, the s.e.xual instinct was decidedly algolagnic. Masturbation is one of my earliest recollections; indeed, it was not at first, so far as I remember, a.s.sociated with any s.e.xual ideas at all; but began as a reflex animal act. I do not remember its first occurrence. It soon, however, became a.s.sociated in my mind with algolagnic excitement, giving rise to reveries which took the ordinary form of imagining oneself stripped and whipped, etc., by persons of the opposite s.e.x. The dramatis personae in my own algolagnic reveries were elderly women; somewhat strangely, I did not a.s.sociate physical s.e.xuality at this period with young and attractive women. If scientific light on these matters were generally available in the practical bringing up of children, persons in charge of young children might refrain from exciting an algolagnic tendency or doing anything calculated to awake s.e.xual emotions prematurely. In my own case, I recollect acts performed by older persons in ignorance and thoughtlessness which undoubtedly tended to foster and strengthen my algolagnic instinct.
"Little or nothing was done to prevent, discover, or remedy the pernicious habit into which I was falling unknowingly. Circ.u.mcision was perhaps little thought of in those days as a preventive of juvenile masturbation; at any rate, it was not resorted to in my case. I remember, indeed, that a nurse discovered that I was practicing masturbation, and I think she made a few half-hearted attempts to stop it. It was probably these attempts which gave me a growing feeling that there was something wrong about masturbation, and that it must be practiced secretly. But they were unsuccessful in their main object. The practice continued.
"I went to school at the age of 10. There I came in contact almost without warning, with the ordinary lewdness and grossness of school conversation, and took to it readily. I soon became conversant with the theory of s.e.xual relations; but never got the opportunity of s.e.xual intercourse, and probably should have felt some moral restraint even had such opportunity presented itself, for coitus, however interesting it might be to talk about, was a bigger thing to practice than masturbation. I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed fairly frequently, occasionally producing two o.r.g.a.s.ms in quick succession. I seldom m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed with the hand; my method was to lie face downward. There was probably little or no h.o.m.os.e.xuality at my first school. I never heard of it till later, and it was always repugnant to me, though surrounded with a certain morbid interest. Masturbation was discountenanced openly at the school, but was, I believe, extensively practiced, both at that school and at the two others I afterward attended. The boys often talked about the hygiene of it; and the general theory was that it was somehow physically detrimental; but I heard no arguments advanced sufficiently cogent to make me see the necessity for a real moral effort against the habit, though, as I neared p.u.b.erty, I was indulging more moderately and with greater misgivings.
"The fact of becoming acquainted with the theory of s.e.xual intercourse tended to diminish the algolagnia, and to impel my s.e.xual instinct into an ordinary channel. On one occasion circ.u.mstances brought me into close contact with a woman for about three or four weeks, I being a mere boy and she very much my senior. I felt s.e.xually attracted by this woman, and allowed myself a degree of familiarity with her which I have since recognized as undue and have deeply regretted. It did not, however, go to the length of seduction, and I trust may have pa.s.sed away without leaving any permanent harm. It should, indeed, be remarked here that I never knew a woman s.e.xually till my marriage; and with the one exception mentioned I do not recall any instance of conduct on my part toward a woman which could be described as giving her an impulse downhill.
"On the psychic side my s.e.xual emotions awoke in early childhood; and though my love affairs as a boy were not frequent and were kept to myself, they attained a considerable degree of emotional power. Leaving out of account the precocious movements of the s.e.xual instinct to which I have already referred as colored by psychic algolagnia, I may say that somewhat later, from the age of p.u.b.erty and onward, I had three or four love affairs, devoid of any algolagnic tendency, and considerably more developed on the psychic and emotional, than on the physical, side. In fact, my experience has been that when deeply in love, when the mind is full of the love ecstasy, the physical element of s.e.xuality is kept-doubtless only temporarily-in abeyance.
"To return now to the subject of masturbation. Here befell the chief moral struggle of my early life; and no terms that I have at command will adequately describe the stress of it.
"A casual remark heard one day as I was arriving at p.u.b.erty convinced me that there must be truth in the vague schoolboy theory that masturbation was weakening. It was to the effect that the evil results of masturbation practiced in boyhood would manifest themselves in later life. I then realized that I must relinquish masturbation, and I set myself to fight it; but with grave misgivings that, owing to the early age at which I had formed the habit, I had already done myself serious harm.
"Before many weeks had pa.s.sed, I had formed a resolution to abstain, which I kept thereafter without-so far as I remember-more than one conscious lapse into my former habit. Here it must be said at once that, so far as touches my own experience of a struggle of this kind, the religious factor is of primary importance as strengthening and sustaining the moral effort which has to be made. I am writing an account of my s.e.xual, not my spiritual, experiences; but I should not only be untrue to my convictions, but unable to give an accurate and penetrating survey of the development of my s.e.x life, unless I were clearly to state that it was to a large extent on that life that my strongest and most valuable religious experiences arose.[219] It is to the endeavor to discipline the s.e.xual instinct, and to grapple with the difficulties and anxieties of the s.e.x life, that I owe what I possess of spiritual religion, of the consciousness that my life has been brought into contact with Divine love and power.
"My early habits, after they were broken off, left me none the less a legacy of s.e.xual neurasthenia and a slight varicocele. My nocturnal pollutions were overfrequent; and I brooded over them, being too reticent and too much afraid of exposure at school and possible expulsion to confide in a doctor. Far better for me had I done so, for a few years later I received the truest kindness and sympathy in regard to s.e.xual matters at the hands of more than one medical man. But while at school I was afraid to speak of the trouble which so unnerved and depressed me; and as a consequence my morbid fears grew stronger, being intensified by generalities which I met with from time to time in my reading on the subject of the punishment which nature metes out to impurity.
"On leaving school my s.e.x life continued for some years on the same lines: a struggle for chast.i.ty, morbid fears and regrets about the past, efforts to cope with the neurasthenia, and a haunting dread of coming insanity. These troubles were increased by my sedentary life. However I obtained medical aid, and put as good a face on matters as possible.
"But the most trying thing of all has yet to be mentioned-the discovery that I had not yet got fully clear of the habit of masturbation. I had, indeed, repudiated it as far as my conscious waking moments were concerned, even though strongly impelled by s.e.xual desire; but one night, about a year after I had relinquished the practice, I found myself again giving way to it in those moments between sleeping and waking when the will is only semiconscious. It was as if a race took place for wakefulness between my physical instinct, on the one side, and my moral sense and inhibitory nerves on the other; and very frequently the physical instinct won. This, perhaps, is not an uncommon experience, but it distressed me greatly; and I never felt safe from it until marriage. I resorted to various expedients to combat this tendency, at length having to tie myself in a certain position every night with a cord round my legs, so as to render it impossible to turn over upon my face.
"In my early manhood the strain on my const.i.tution was considerable from causes other than the s.e.xual neurasthenia, which, indeed, I am now well aware I exaggerated in importance. Medical advisers whom I consulted in that period a.s.sured me that this was so; and, though at the time I often thought that they were concealing the real facts from me out of kindness, my own reading has since convinced me that they spoke nothing but scientific truth.
"The years went on. I went through a university course, and in spite of my poor health took a good degree. The agony of my struggle for chast.i.ty seemed to come to a climax about four years later when for a long period, partly owing to overstudy and partly to the s.e.xual strain, I fell into a condition of severe nervous exhaustion, one of the most distressing symptoms of which was insomnia. The dreaded cloud of insanity seemed to come closer. I had to use alcohol freely at nights; and might by now have become a drunkard, had I not been casually-or I must say, Providentially-directed to the common sense plan of measuring my whisky in a dram gla.s.s; so that the alcohol could not steal a march upon me.
"This period was one of acute mental suffering. One cause of the nervous tension was-as I have now no doubt-the need of healthy s.e.xual intercourse. I proved this eventually. My circ.u.mstances, which had long been adverse to marriage, at length were shaped in that direction. I renewed acquaintance with a lady whom I had known well some years before; and our friendship ripened until, after much perplexity on my side, owing to the uncertainty of my health and prospects, I decided that it was right to speak. We were married after a few months; and I realized that I had gained an excellent wife. We did not come together s.e.xually for some nights after marriage; but, having once tasted the pleasure of the marriage bed, I have to admit that, partly owing to ignorance of the hygiene of marriage, I was for some time rather unrestrained in conjugal relations, requiring intercourse as often as eight or nine times a month. This was not unnatural when one considers that I had now for the first time free access to a woman, after a long and weary struggle to preserve chast.i.ty. Married life, however, tends naturally-or did so in my case-to regulate desire; and when I began to understand the ethics and hygiene of s.e.x, as I did a year or two after marriage, I was enabled to exercise increasing self-restraint. We are now sparing in our enjoyment of conjugal pleasure. We have had no children; and I attribute this chiefly to the remaining s.e.xual weakness in myself.[220] But I may say that not only my s.e.xual power, but my nerve-power and general health, were greatly improved by marriage; and though I have fallen back, the last year or two, into a poor state of health, the cause of this is probably overwork rather than anything to do with s.e.x. Not but what it must be said that, had it not been for the juvenile masturbation superadded to a neuropathic temperament, my const.i.tution would no doubt have endured the general strain of life better than it has done. The algolagnia, being one of the congenital conditions of my s.e.xual instinct, must be considered fundamental, and certainly has not been eliminated. If I were to allow myself indulgence in algolagnic reveries they would even now excite me without difficulty; but I have systematically discouraged them, so that they give me little or no practical trouble. My erotic dreams, which years ago were (to the best of my remembrance) frequently algolagnic, are now almost invariably normal.
"My conjugal relations have always been on the lines of strictly normal s.e.xuality. I have a deep sense of the obligations of monogamous marriage, besides a sincere affection for my wife; consequently I repress as far as possible all s.e.xual inclinations, such as will come involuntarily sometimes, toward other women.
"From what I have disclosed, it will be seen that I am but a frail man; but for many years I have striven honestly and hard to discipline s.e.xuality within myself, and to regulate it according to right reason, pure hygiene, and the moral law; and I can but hope and believe that the Divine Power in which I have endeavored to trust will in the future, as it has done in the past, working by natural methods and through the current events of my life, amend and control my s.e.x life and conduct it to safe and honorable issues."
HISTORY II.-A. B., married, good general health, dark hair, fair complexion, short-sighted, and below medium height. Parents both belong to healthy families, but the mother suffered from nerves during early years of married life, and the father, a very energetic and ambitious man, was cold, pa.s.sionless, and unscrupulous. A. B. is the oldest child; two of the brothers and sisters are slightly abnormal, nervously. But, so far as is known, none of the family has ever been s.e.xually abnormal.
A. B. was a bright, intelligent child, though inclined to be melancholy (and in later years p.r.o.ne to self-a.n.a.lysis). At preparatory school was fairly forward in studies, at public school somewhat backward, at University suddenly took a liking to intellectual pursuits. Throughout he was slack at games. Has never been able to learn to swim from nervousness. Can whistle well. Has always been fond of reading, and would like to have been an author by profession. He married at 24, and has had two children, both of whom showed congenital physical abnormalities.
Before the age of 7 or 8 A. B. can remember various trifling incidents. "One of the games I used to play with my sister," he writes, "consisted in pretending we were "father and mother" and were relieving ourselves at the w.c. We would squat down in various parts of the room, prolong the simulated act, and talk. I do not remember what our conversation was about, nor whether I had an erection. I used also to make water from a balcony into the garden, and in other unusual places.
"The first occasion on which I can recollect experiencing sensations or emotions similar in character to later and more developed feelings of desire was at the age of about 7 or 8, when I was a dayboy at a large school in a country town and absolutely innocent as to deed, thought, or knowledge. I fell in love with a boy with whom I was brought in contact in my cla.s.s, about my own age. I remember thinking him pretty. He paid me no attention. I had no distinct desire, except a wish to be near him, to touch him, and to kiss him. I blushed if I suddenly saw him, and thought of him when absent and speculated on my chances of seeing him again. I was put into a state of high ecstasy when he invited me to join him and some friends one summer evening in a game of rounders.
"At the age of 8 I was told by my father"s groom where babies came from and how they were produced. (I already knew the difference in s.e.xual organs, as my sister and I were bathed in the same room.) He told me no details about erection, s.e.m.e.n, etc. Nor did he take any liberties with me. I used to notice him urinating; he used to push back the foreskin and I thought his p.e.n.i.s large.
"When about 8 years old the nursemaid told me that the boy at her last place had intercourse with his sister. I thought it disgusting. About a year later I told the nurse I thought the story of Adam and Eve was not true and that when Eve gave Adam the apple he had intercourse with her and she was punished by having children. I don"t know if I had thought this out, or if it had been suggested to me by others. This nurse used often to talk about my "ta.s.sel."
"A family of several brothers went to the same school with me, and we used to indulge in dirty stories, chiefly, however, of the w.c. type rather than s.e.xual.
"When I was about 10 I learned much from my father"s coachman. He used to talk about the girls he had had intercourse with, and how he would have liked this with my nursemaid.
"A year later I went to a large day school. I think most of the boys, if not nearly all, were very ignorant and innocent in s.e.xual matters. The only incident in this connection I can recollect is asking a boy to let me see his p.e.n.i.s; he did so.
"During the summer holidays, at a watering place I attended a theatrical performance and fell in love with a girl of about 12 who acted a part. I bought a photograph of her, which I kept and kissed for several years after. About the same time I thought rather tenderly of a girl of my own age whose parents knew mine. I remember feeling that I should like to kiss her. Once I furtively touched her hair.
"When I was 12 I was sent to a small preparatory boarding school, in the country. During the holidays I used to talk about s.e.xual things with my father"s footman. He must have told me a good deal. I used to have erections. One evening, when I was in bed and everyone else out (my mother and the children in the country) he came up to my room and tried to put his hand on my p.e.n.i.s. I had been thinking of s.e.xual matters and had an erection. I resisted, but he persisted, and when he succeeded in touching me I gave in. He then proceeded to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e me. I sank back, overcome by the pleasant sensation. He then stopped and I went on myself. In the meantime he had taken out his p.e.n.i.s and m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed himself before me until the o.r.g.a.s.m occurred. I was disgusted at the sight of his large organ and the s.e.m.e.n. He then left me. I could hardly sleep from excitement. I felt I had been initiated into a great and delightful mystery.
"I at once fell into the habit of masturbation. It was some months before I could produce the o.r.g.a.s.m; at about 13 a slight froth came; at about 14 a little s.e.m.e.n. I do not know how frequently I did it-perhaps once or twice a week. I used to feel ashamed of myself afterward. I told the man I was doing it and he expressed surprise I had not known about it before he told me. He warned me to stop doing it or it would injure my health. I pretended later that I had stopped doing it.
"I practiced solitary masturbation for some months. At first the s.e.m.e.n was small in amount and watery.
"I had not at this time ever succeeded in drawing the foreskin below the "corona." After masturbation I would sometimes feel local pain in the p.e.n.i.s, sometimes pains in the t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es, and generally a feeling of shame, but not, I think, any la.s.situde. The shame was a vague sense of discomfort at having done what I knew others would regard as dirty. I also experienced fears that I was injuring my health.
"It was not long before I found other boys at the preparatory school with whom I talked of s.e.xual things and in some cases proceeded to acts. The boys were between the ages of 9 and 14; they left at 14 or 15 for the public schools. We slept in bedrooms-several in one room.
"There was no general conversation on s.e.xual matters. Few of the boys knew anything about things-perhaps 7 or 8 out of 40. Before describing my experiences at the school I may mention that I cannot remember having at this period any wish to experience heteros.e.xual intercourse; I knew as yet nothing of h.o.m.os.e.xual practices; and I did not have, except in one case, any love or affection for any of the boys.
"One night, in my bedroom-there were about six of us-we were talking till rather late. My recollection commences with being aware that all the boys were asleep except myself and one other, P. (the son of a clergyman), who was in a bed at exactly the opposite end of the room. I suppose we must have been talking about this sort of thing, for I vividly remember having an erection, and suddenly-as if by premonition-getting out of my bed, and, with heart beating, going softly over to P."s bed. He exhibited no surprise at my presence; a few whispered words took place; I placed my hand on his p.e.n.i.s, and found he had an erection. I started masturbating him, but he said he had just finished. I then suggested, getting into bed with him. (I had never heard at that time of such a thing being done, the idea arose spontaneously.) He said it was not safe, and placed his hand on my p.e.n.i.s, I think with the object of satisfying and getting rid of me. He m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed me till the o.r.g.a.s.m occurred.
"I had no further relations with him, except on one occasion, shortly afterward, when one day, in the w.c. he asked me to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e him. I did so. He did not offer to do the same to me.
"He was a delicate, feeble boy; not good at work; womanish in his ways; inclined to go in for petty bullying, until a boy showed fight, when he discovered himself to be an arrant coward. Four or five years later I met him at the university. His greeting was cool. My next affair was with a boy who was about my age (13), strong, full-blooded, coa.r.s.e, always in "hot water." He was the son of the headmaster of one of the best-known public schools. It was reported that two brothers had been expelled from this public school for what we called "beastliness." He told me his older brother used to have intercrural intercourse with him. This was the first I had heard of this. We used to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e mutually. I had, however, no affection or desire for him.
"With E., another boy, I had no relations, but I remember him as the first person of the same s.e.x for whom I experienced love. He was a small, fair, thin, and little boy, some two years younger than myself, so my inferior in the social hierarchy of a school.
"At the end of my last term I had two disappointments. I was beaten by a younger and clever boy for the first place in the school, and also beaten by one point in the compet.i.tion for the Athletic Cup by a stronger boy who had only come to the school that very term. However, as a consolation prize, and as I was leaving, the headmaster gave me a second prize. This soothed my hurt feelings, and I remember, just after the "head" had read out the prizes, on the last day of term, E., coming up to me, putting his arm on my shoulder, looking at me rather pensively, and in a voice that thrilled me and made me wish to kiss and hug him, tell me he was so glad I had got a prize and that it was a shame that other chap had beaten me for the cup.
"I was three years (aged 12 to 15) at the preparatory school. I started in the bottom form and ended second in the school. My reports were generally good, and I was keen to do well in work. I was considerably influenced by the "head." He was a clergyman, but a man of wide reading, broad opinion, great scholarship, and great enthusiasm. We became very friendly.
"During the holidays I now first practiced intercrural intercourse with a younger brother. I started touching his p.e.n.i.s, and causing erections, when he was about 5. Afterward I got him to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e me and I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed him; I used to get him into bed with me. On one occasion I spontaneously (never having heard of such a thing) made him take my p.e.n.i.s in his mouth.
"This went on for several years. When I was about 16 and he about 10, the old family nurse spoke to me about it. She told me he had complained of my doing it. I was in great fear that my parents might hear of it. I went to him; told him I was sorry, but I had not understood he disliked it, but that I would not do it again.
"About a year later (having persisted in this promise) I made overtures to him, but he refused. I then commended his conduct, and said I knew he was quite right, and begged him to refuse again if I should ever suggest it. I did not ever suggest it again. For many years I bitterly reproached myself for having corrupted him. However, I do not think any harm has been done him. But my self-reproaches have caused me to feel I owe some reparation to him. I also have more affection for him than for my other brothers and sisters.
"At the age of 15 I went to one of the large public schools. I was fairly forward for my age, and entered high. But I made small progress. I had bad reports; I was "slack in games," and not popular among the boys. In fact, I stood still, so that when I left I was backward in comparison with other boys of even less natural intelligence.