"At the age of 11 a buxom servant-girl threw out some vague hints to me,-I was very tall for my age,-and tried to induce me to take liberties with her, at least to the extent of telling her vulgar stories, but I would not rise to the lure. I believe that the thing which held me in check was fear of discovery by my parents and the consequent humiliation. A short time previous to this my father had enlightened me as to the means and manner of reproduction and had encouraged me to talk to him and to my mother on such subjects rather than with anyone else. I think this had a great influence for good, as it made me feel that I had some authoritative knowledge and that I was trusted by my parents. My determination not to prove entirely unworthy of their trust has been the anchor that has held through all the storms and temptations of youth and young manhood.
"About the age of p.u.b.erty I began to long for more realistic experiences and tried through a period of a year or so the disgusting experiments of intercourse with animals, using hens and a cow for this purpose. Details are of no importance, and I spare myself their repet.i.tion. My better nature or general mental development soon overcame my desires in this direction, and the practice was abandoned.
"With the dawning of the power of emission I noticed that the adherent foreskin before alluded to, which had never been examined during all these years (as I had discovered that I was different from other boys and so was shy about exposing myself), began to trouble me by being painful during erections. Accordingly I took a b.u.t.tonhook and tore all the adhesions loose. A very painful though ultimately entirely satisfactory operation!
"(I may mention in this connection that my two sons were afflicted with adherent foreskins to such an extent as to render circ.u.mcision necessary a few days after birth, in order that the function of urination might become fully established.)
"As my powers developed I had my first wet dream at about the age of 15, and was much surprised thereat. My father, however, told me not to be alarmed and soothed my anxious fears, which were easily aroused by my guilty feelings on account of my habit of masturbation, in which I still indulged from one to three times a week.
"Between the ages of 12 and 17 my father had the good judgment to require a large amount of active outdoor labor from me, as well as sending me to excellent schools. Certain kinds of study had a distinct effect upon the s.e.xual organs, namely, difficult Latin and German translations and problems in fractions. I considered at the time that it was because my mind wandered from the subject I was studying. Now I am perfectly sure it was because my mind focused on the subject I was studying. At any rate the fact existed, and when alone in my room, wrestling with a knotty problem, I used almost as a rule to keep myself in the most violent state of erection for long periods-an hour or so-sometimes ending with an emission, but more often I forced myself to forego this climax through fear of overindulgence. During these years my curiosity as to the exact nature of the female organs was something terrible, and I wasted many hours and much ingenuity in the attempt to surrept.i.tiously gratify it. My perseverance in the face of failure along this line was surely worthy of a n.o.bler cause.
"I was much in the society of girls of my own age or older during these years and until I was 19. I found with them a keen and entirely pure and wholesome enjoyment utterly separate and apart from the desires and indulgences which I have been describing. I never cared for any girl who was "forward" or in any way unladylike, and the idea of taking any undue liberties with any of my youthful sweethearts was as remote from my thoughts as a trip to the moon. Perhaps I can say this better and more distinctly by stating that I would be perfectly willing to have my wife know of, or my boys repeat, any action that I ever took with any woman.
"I spent my spare time in their society and lavished upon my girl companions every cent I could spare, but had no thought of immediate s.e.x desire or gratification. At the age of 17 I went as an apprentice in my present profession of dentistry. Whenever it became necessary for me, in a.s.sisting at the operating chair, to touch a lady"s hair or face, I would be seized with the utmost confusion and could with difficulty control my hands so that they did not tremble. This soon wore off as I came to a realization of the true professional spirit and att.i.tude toward all patients, and, needless to say, has now become a matter of the utmost indifference to me.
"From 19 to 22 I attended a professional school in a large city, remote from my home, where I was an utter stranger. During these years I devoted myself to my professional studies and to music with much diligence. I took an active part in all student life and problems save only that of the "eternal feminine."
"Frequently I have been out with a crowd of "the boys" when they headed for a brothel, and have been the only one to turn back or to remain on the sidewalk as the door closed behind my last companion. I say this not in self-praise, but in the same spirit of accuracy which has prompted me to put down everything concerning this greatest mystery of our natures as I have experienced it and worked it out.
"It was during these three years at school that I placed upon myself the most stringent and effective curbs to my s.e.x nature. I somehow never could "get my own consent" to go to a brothel or stay with a "soiled dove," for I had by this time firmly resolved that I would bring to my wife, whoever she might turn out to be, a clean body at least. I limited myself in my autoexcitement to one emission a week and on one or two occasions went two weeks without inducing an emission. Spontaneous nocturnal emissions were quite common during these years. I cannot state just how frequent they were, but perhaps one a week would be a fair average.
"Shortly after graduation at the age of 22 I became engaged to the woman who is now my wife. (She was 17 at the time of our engagement, brunette, well developed, and with a wisdom and charm that have held me a willing captive for ten years and no prospect of escape!)
"With our engagement began for each of us that divine and mysterious unfolding of the nature of one to the nature of the other. Our engagement lasted two years and a half and, ignorant as we both were, I am sure that it was none too long. Never shall I forget the surprise I felt-to say nothing of the delight-when I discovered that my sweetheart was as anxious to find out the uttermost facts about me as I was to explore the divine mystery of her sweet body.
"We lived in different towns and I used to spend Sundays at her home. I slept in a room adjoining that occupied by my betrothed and a friend. There was a transom with clear gla.s.s over the door which connected these two rooms, and to have stood upon the foot of the bed and looked through this transom would have been the easiest thing in the world, and was such an opportunity as I would have given years of my life to have obtained in my adolescence; but now that the chance was afforded me to freely spy upon the chamber of my future bride my soul revolted, for the feeling was upon me that not until it was revealed to me because she could no longer bear to keep it concealed from me would I look upon the blessed vision of her maiden loveliness. Nor was I disappointed, for gradually we became acquainted with each other"s bodies, and this gradual unveiling of each to the other led, during the last months of our engagement, to mutual manual manipulations, excitement and gratification. Intercourse did not take place until the second night after our marriage, and our first baby was born nine months and three days after our marriage, though my wife was ten days past the cessation of her period at the time of my first entering.
"Since marriage I have made it my first duty to study my wife"s inclinations and desires with regard to our s.e.xual relations, and can say that now, after seven years of married life, and after she has borne me two sons, we are enjoying a fullness of happiness that neither of us would have believed possible during the first year of our married life.
"I have found that the woman must have the entire charge of the time and number of approaches in a week or month, and that when she is for any reason disinclined to the s.e.xual act the husband must keep away, no matter how he feels about the matter. Also the man must be sure that his wife reaches the o.r.g.a.s.m or is at the point of it before he allows himself to "let go."
"Our meetings have averaged eight or nine a month. During the latter months of pregnancy they were nil, and in the month following an enforced separation of several weeks they were fourteen. We have never tried nor had the slightest curiosity to know how far we could indulge ourselves.
"For myself I seem to demand a gratification of the s.e.xual desire rather oftener than my wife, and when I feel I cannot get a good night"s rest without first being relieved of my seminal burden, while at the same time my wife is disinclined to the s.e.xual act, I have her perform manual manipulation until relief is effected. Mind, I say relief, for the emission gives me very little pleasure under these circ.u.mstances, but it does give relief. In my present health I find I cannot sleep well if I go over more than two nights without an emission. My wife understands my condition, and is entirely willing to a.s.sist me in this way when she feels she cannot give me the gratification which I crave. We have come to see s.e.x matters as they are, and respect and reverence have taken the place of ignorance and fear.
"To sum up, owing to lack of circ.u.mcision the s.e.x instinct developed too soon and out of all proportion during my early youth. I cannot see that masturbation has ever had the slightest bad effect upon my health or mental state (except as I was constantly loathing myself more or less for being unable to stop it).
"The husband must subordinate himself to the wife in order to obtain the highest good and pleasure of both.
"I have always been successful in my undertakings. Stood at the head of my cla.s.s at school, and in my professional work graduated with highest honors. I have a memory for prose or verse that is the cause of envy to many of my friends. The facts here set down are recorded in the interest of advancing study along this most important but neglected and ignored line. That they have been truthfully recorded without favor to the black or light on the white is my sincere belief."
HISTORY XIX.-E. B. Parents sound; strong const.i.tution in mother, moderately so in father; vigorous and healthy, but of refined nature. Breast-milk for six months.
"Age 4-5. Took great delight in the little waterworks. Severely punished for this. Interest in the parts morbidly increased thereby.
"Age 5. Earliest recollection of "counter-erection"-the p.e.n.i.s shrinking tensely into itself, producing local and general discomfort. This resulted from certain kinds of mauvaise-honte,-having to kiss aged persons, having officious help at micturition, bathing, dressing, etc., which caused a sort of physical disgust. Toward p.u.b.erty the experience grew rare. One such occasion was at about eighteen, when solicited on the street by a prost.i.tute. The very idea of h.o.m.os.e.xual relations produces it. It would appear to be a powerful safeguard against promiscuous s.e.x relations. I have met two men subject to the same thing, and have heard of one woman subject to something a.n.a.logous. It might be called a nausea of the "nether heart" in Georg Hirth"s phrase.
"Age 6-7. Earliest recollection of erection. Unprovoked at first. A disposition to punish the organ and satisfaction in doing so. From this time erection took place whenever it was thought about.
"Age 10. Present at a discussion in the playground about the best way of intercourse, which I heard of for the first time. This was followed by enlightenment on the source of children. Concluded it must be very painful to both parties. "Just the other way," I was told. But the idea of pain to the genitals was "interesting" to me. Pain felt by the other s.e.x was "interesting." Pained looks captivated me-I liked to imagine some mysterious trouble; and, as I learned more, "female complaints" interested me greatly in their subjects. I got a "grateful pang" at the pit of the stomach at the thought, but neither erection nor the opposite. This hypogastric feeling has continued to a.s.sociate itself with certain s.e.xual impressions. The thought of a woman mortifying herself later on excited me s.e.xually. Once, pulling a stay-string for fun (my wife never laced) gave me a powerful and quite unexpected erection.
"Age 12. A girl visitor of the same age got me talking about the genitals, and at bedtime came and proposed coitus. We failed to manage it. The v.u.l.v.a stripped back the foreskin, which was a voluptuous feeling; then we were alarmed by something and separated. I never saw her again. She too liked to "punish" her v.u.l.v.a. She put whole pepper in it, and advised me to use the same. I continued greatly excited when she had gone; the hand flew to the phallus and worried it, and o.r.g.a.s.m came on at once-the childish o.r.g.a.s.m consisting of well-s.p.a.ced spasms of the ejaculators, without the poignant preliminary nisus of the adult o.r.g.a.s.m. There was no reaction or depression, except that the phallus-which did not subside at once-was painful to touch. A week or so later I tried again, but failed. A month later, being more excited, I succeeded. I found that I could only compa.s.s it about once in three weeks. There were no emissions. I used to have a spontaneous mental image of a small Grecian temple in a sunny park, which charmed me, and I had no scruples.
"Age 12-13. m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed once or twice a month.
"Age 13-14. Was sent to a small public school, where it happened that a very good tone prevailed. I learned that masturbation was bad form and unmanly. The proper thing was to save one"s self up for women-at about 18. I dropped the practice easily, in spite of indulging my imagination about coitus. I thought of the initiation with prost.i.tutes at 18, with the mixed feelings that even the most combative soldier must regard the fray. The hypogastric feeling above referred to would come on-which I liked and disliked at the same time. The first occasion on which I remember this feeling was when I got my first braces. Anything that harped on my s.e.x produced it. Every time I received the sacrament, which I was forced to do very young, I repented of my intention of whoring at 18-as a man "must" do-and afterward I relapsed to the expectation. Religion was a great reality to me, but it did not produce the radical effect that the development of the romantic sentiment did later on. (Both my wife and I became free-thinkers at about 30.)
"Age 15-17. Read poetry and romance. Conceived a high ideal of faithfulness and constancy. What a mockery all this loyalty is, I said to myself, if a man has stultified it beforehand. That was no mere castle-building. I had not understood what I was about in expecting to wh.o.r.e. The critical feelings were now awakening, and what they produced was revulsion against the abuse of s.e.x, which got stronger every year. It became plain that there would be no whoring or the like for me; I was far too proud and fastidious. I neglected my tasks, which were uncongenial, and read a great deal of anatomy and physiology, which stood me in good stead later. As I rose in the school I was surprised to find the tone worse, but quite at the top it was better again, and with my latest companions s.e.x was never even mentioned. At 14 I had a friend who importuned me to come into his bed, but I never would get under his bedclothes, for the male s.e.x repels me powerfully in personal contact; he began to talk of masturbation, and now I can understand what he was aiming at. But my day-dreams of nymphs and dryads kept me in a state of perpetual tension, and erection was very frequent. The early morbid admiration of delicate women became replaced by admiration of health and strength combined with grace.
"Age 17-18. I was given a cubicle in which my neighbor on the right m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed noisily two or three times a week, and the one on the left every night, using intermittent friction to drag it out longer. One night, kneeling at my bedside, saying prayers, my attention was divided between these and the occupation of my neighbor, when, after not having m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed for four years,-the critical years of development,-the hand flew to the phallus and
""pulses pounding through palms and trembling encircling fingers"
"procured, in Walt Whitman"s language,
""the wholesome relief,-repose, content."
"I slept well and had a sense of elation at the proof of manhood, for we boys were anxious about whether we secreted s.e.m.e.n or not. The s.e.xual obsession was tempered, and about three weeks later I had my first "pollution"-the "angel of the night," as Mantegazza with better sense calls it. From that time on I had pollutions every two or three weeks, with dreams sometimes of masturbation or of nymphs, or quite irrelevant matters. For a time these gave me perfect relief; then my "dilectatio morosa" began to grow again, and the phallus would become so sensitive that working about on the belly would liberate the o.r.g.a.s.m.
"Age 18-19. I had kept on persuading myself I was not masturbating-avoiding the use of the hand-but now I dropped this pretense, and frankly conceded the need to myself. I got done with it in a peremptory way and thought no more of it. I had no evil effects, moral or physical, and my mother would often compliment me on my bright appearance the morning after. At that time the appet.i.te matured every seven to ten days, and, though I dreaded the idea of slavery to it, it would have been very hard to forego it. Headaches, which had begun to plague me from p.u.b.erty on, grew rarer. Pollutions occurred in between, but were less effectual. I had up to this point accepted the incidental pleasure under a sort of protest; but now I got over that too and I allowed what I would prefer to call an idio-erotism (rather than an auto-erotism) its way, always picturing beautiful nymphs to myself. Surroundings of natural beauty moved me to this kind of reverie, partly perhaps because I had once secretly observed a lad basking naked on the sandy beach and toying with himself. The recollection is wholly unsullied to me. Happening on one occasion to check the stimulation about two-thirds way to o.r.g.a.s.m, I experienced a miniature o.r.g.a.s.m like the childish one, but with no declension of the tumescence, and I was able to repeat this maneuver several times before the full o.r.g.a.s.m. This I later practised in Coitus prolongatus-giving the partner time to come up. I had already got into the way of poising the feeling on its climax. The ejaculator reflex, being habituated to this, seems to set in with its throbs when the maneuver is simulated, though no s.e.m.e.n has yet been poured into the bulbous portion for the ejaculators to act upon. If this play be broken off before the critical spasm-as in the American "Karezza," etc.-there is no perceptible reaction, though an unsatisfied feeling remains. But when the act proceeds to emission and the poignant undercurrent of feeling sets in that ushers the e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n and may only last two to five seconds, it makes all the difference, and const.i.tutional signs appear-perspiration, etc. This leads to the question whether the critical sensation specially involves the sympathetic nervous system? Up to that point the process is under control, but then automatic.
"An observation of practical importance to me at that time was this: I awoke in the morning after a pollution at night, with an acute headache of a specific kind, and erection. This had happened before, after pollution, and the erection suggested to me whether "a hair of the dog that bit me" might not prove beneficial. As the excitation proceeded, the pain in the head was directly drained away, as if I were drawing it out. Other pain is also relieved for the moment, such as neuralgia, but to return soon with interest. This, however, was specific and pure benefit. The next time I got a bad headache of this character, without preceding pollution, I tried the remedy, at about 10 A. M. The s.e.m.e.n was copious and watery, and the relief was marked, but in an hour"s time the headache returned. I had never repeated the act at short interval, i.e., while the organs were under the influence of a previous act, and now I tried the effect of that. The second emission was also profuse, but much thicker, and the relief much greater. In about three hours the headache was, however, again intolerable, and, the connection being now clear, I ventured on a third act, which proved to be the most voluptuous I had so far experienced, the nisus being far more intense. The s.e.m.e.n was copious, but thick and ropy, with lumps as large as small peas that could scarcely be crushed with the finger, and yellow in color and rank in odor. After that I was perfectly well and kept so. (The urethra was blocked so that I could with difficulty stroke the ma.s.ses out.) Later I have examined such s.e.m.e.n microscopically and found the spermatozoa dead and disintegrating. My period in my best years-21 to 48-was twice a week, the odd number being an inconvenience, and I have since endeavored to avoid acc.u.mulations, emptying the receptacles on the fourth day, when I remembered the interval, even if the organs did not remind me. On the fifth day headache would otherwise appear and perhaps two acts be needful, or, if I forgot about it for a week, three acts running. That I did not abuse the function the fact proves that every year I would forget about it two to three times and have to resort to this drastic mode.[230] But there is quite a different headache that follows on indulgence during convalescence or when the system is otherwise much lowered. Railway traveling greatly accentuates the need with me; also riding. Girls aroused no physical desire, though I chiefly sought their society, and even after the genital tension was so p.r.o.nounced, up to 20, I was troubled by the fact that women did not affect me s.e.xually. About this time a buxom girl I liked and who liked me vehemently laid her hand on my arm, in trying to persuade me to give up shooting. The phallus leaped simultaneously. That was my first s.e.xual experience-the proof that the nexus was established between the genital mechanism and the complex of feeling we call s.e.xual.
"Age 24. At this age I went to stay at a house where there were two very pretty girls. I at once lost my heart to the elder, L. B., as she did to me (strong const.i.tution, but refined nature; parents sound; brought up in the country; eleven months" breast-milk). "What a mother she will make," I said to myself. Now began a time of the spiritual and physical communion that I had pictured to myself....
"I am 60 now; she is 57. We are still like lovers. No; not like lovers; we are lovers. Of course, I do not mean to imply that s.e.xual impressions have preponderated in our life, as they do in this account. Quite the contrary. We are both strong and, according to all accounts, unusually well preserved. We are very temperate. Since 48 I notice a gradual decline of the erotic propensity. It is now once in five or seven days. Since the menopause her propensity has declined markedly, but it is not extinct, and she delights as much as ever in my delight. She began to menstruate at 12, was regular till 17; then got chlorotic for a few months, soon recovered, though menstruation was often irregular, but never painful. s.e.xual experience began at 25. I have often wondered if a moderate self-gymnastic of the faculty, in Venturi"s sense, would not have educated her genital sphere, and made her a still better comrade-excluded the periods of irregularity and frigidity. The stage of latency was too protracted. We often noticed that, when menstruation was due or nearly so, prolonged love-sports at bedtime would be followed by menstruation in the morning. We never were separated for longer than three months, and on that occasion, menstruation being delayed, she tried what masturbation would do to determine it, and with a positive result. My need, though less, is as imperative as ever. Seminal headaches-as I would call them-have ceased since 50; the acc.u.mulation only produces muddleheadedness. But I have not suffered acc.u.mulation over ten to at most twelve days. The quant.i.ty of s.e.m.e.n is also less. The sensibility of the corpora has declined much; that of the glans is unimpaired. Erection is good. o.r.g.a.s.m takes two to four minutes to provoke, against forty to fifty seconds when young; it is in some respects even more enjoyable-perhaps less intense, but much more prolonged. I have no reaction from indulgence. But I never press it; it always presses me. For overacc.u.mulation, with headache or muddleheadedness, the wifely hand is more efficacious than the v.u.l.v.a. Even the most vivid dream of coitus fails to compa.s.s the o.r.g.a.s.m now. The peripheral stimulus is essential.
"In our case physical and psychical intensity of emotion have gone hand in hand. I have become specialized to one woman, despite an erotic endowment certainly not meager. The pervasive fragrance makes one adore the whole s.e.x, but my wife does not interpret this homage in a s.e.xually promiscuous sense. We both agree in the principle that if one cannot hold the affection of the other there is no t.i.tle to it. Tarde says that constancy in love is rarely anything but a voyage of discovery round the beloved object. I am perpetually making fresh discoveries. But her constancy, I mean the high level of her pa.s.sion, is independent of discoveries."
[230]
"A practical question arising out of the foregoing is whether such s.e.m.e.n should be committed to the v.a.g.i.n.a? Its presence is known to me by const.i.tutional symptoms (toxic). It is the last to be expelled, and its degenerate germ-cells have no chance against those of the normal fluid deposited in preceding acts, supposing that to be retained. But it may well happen that the prior emissions only reach the pouch, whereas the last is injected into the womb itself. I have frequently had the sense of the orifices of meatus and cervix matching directly, especially when she had powerful o.r.g.a.s.m (including two conceptions), and of the s.e.m.e.n being sucked from me rather than occluded in its exit, as also happens, requiring me to relax the urge a little. At 18 to 19 the s.e.m.e.n of a "pollution" has left tender red patches where it dried on the neighboring skin, and deep straw-colored stains in the linen."