I said I hadn"t no "pinion o" men, And I wouldn"t take stock in _him!_ But they kep" up a-comin" in spite o" my talk, "s.p.a.cially Jim.
I got _so_ tired o" havin" "em roun"
("s.p.a.cially Jim!), I made up my mind I"d settle down An" take up with him;
So we was married one Sunday in church, "Twas crowded full to the brim, "Twas the only way to get rid of "em all, "s.p.a.cially Jim.
"ARRY"S ANCIENT MARINER.
(_TOLD ON MARGATE JETTY_.)
BY CAMPBELL RAE-BROWN.
He was an ainshunt mariner Wot sailed the oshun blue; His craft it was the _Crazy Jane_ Wot was made of wood and glue.
It sailed "atween _Westminister_ And the Gulf of Timbucktoo; Its bulkhead was a putty one; Its cargo--no one knew.
I"ve heerd as how when a storm came on It "ud turn clean upside down, But I _never_ could make out as why Its skipper didn"t drown.
He was the most unwashedest Old salt I ever knowed: And all the things as he speaked about Was nearly always "blowed."
One day he told me a straw"nry tale, But I don"t think it were lies, Bekos he swore as it was true-- Tho" a big "un as to size.
He sez as how in the Biskey Bay They was sailin" along one night, When a _summat_ rose from the bilin" waves As give him a _norful_ fright.
He wouldn"t exzagerate, he sed-- No, he wouldn"t, not if he died; But the head of that monster was most as big As a bloomin" mountain-side.
Its eyes was ten times bigger "an the moon; Its ears was as long as a street; And each of its eyelids--_without tellin" lies_-- Would have kivered an or"nary sheet.
"And now," said he, "may I _never speak agin_ If I"m a-tellin" yer wrong, But the length o" that sarpint from head to tail Warn"t a _ninch_ under _ten mile long_,
"To the end of its tail there hung a great wale, And a-ridin" on its back was sharks; On the top of its head about two hundred seals Was a-havin" no end of larks.
"Now, as to beleevin" of what I sez _next_ Yer can do as yer likes," sez he; "But this "ere sarpint, or whatever he was, He ups and he _speaks_ to me.
"Sez the sarpint, sez he, in a voice like a clap Of thunder, or a cannon"s roar: "Now say good-bye to the air and the sky For you"ll never see land no more."
"I shivered like a sail wot"s struck by a gale And I downs on my bended knees; And the tears rolls over my face like a sea, And I shrieks like a gull in a breeze.
"Sez I, "I"m an ainshunt old skipper, that"s all, And I ain"t never done nuffin wrong."
He sez, "You old lubber, just stow that blubber, I"m a-going fer to haul yer along."
"Then he puts out a fin like a big barndoor-- Now this "ere is real straight truth-- It sounds like a fable, but he tuk my bloomin" cable, _And he tied it to his left front tooth!_
"In another second more, at the bottom of the sea The _Crazy Jane_ was aground; Sez I, "You oughter be ashamed of yerself, It"s a one-der as I wasn"t drowned."
"Then he calls on a porkeypine a-standin" quite near, Sez he, "Look arter this barge,"
"A-begging your pardon that"s a _wessel_" I sez: Sez he: "Werry fine and large!"
"With one of hiz eye-lashes, thick as a rope, He ties me on to his knoze, Then down in a cave right under the sea Like a flash of light we goes.
"He tuk me up to his wife, who was A murmyaid with three tails; She was havin" of her dinner, and perlitely she sez, "Will you have some o" these "ere snails?"
"So I sits me down by her buteful side-- She"d a face like a sunset sky; Her hair was a sort of a scarlety red, And her knoze was strait as a die.
"I hadn"t sot a minit wen sez she to me, "Sammy, don"t yer know me agane?
Why, I"m the wife arter wot yer call"d yer ship; Sure enuf, it _was_ Craizy Jane--
"The wife as had bother"d me all my life, Until she got drown"d one day, When a-bathin" out o" one of them there masheens In this wery same Margit Bay.
"The Sarpint was a-havin" of his dinner, and so She perposed as how we should fly-- But, sez I to meself, "What, take _you_ back?
Not if I knose it," sez I.
""But how about them there tails?" I sez-- "On sh.o.r.e _them_ will niver doo;"
She sez, "Yer silly, why, karn"t yer see, They"re only fixed on wi" a screw?"
"So I tells her as how I"ll go fetch the old ship Wile she"s a-unscreuing of her tails; But when I gets back to the _Crazy Jane_ I finds there a couple of wales.
"I jist had time to see the biggest of the two A-swallerin" of the ship right whole, And in one more momint he swallered me too, As true as I"m a livin" sole.
"But when he got to the surfis of the sea, A summat disagreed with that wale, And he up with me and the _Crazy Jane_ and all-- And this "ere"s the end of my tail."
Then this old ainshunt mariner, he sez unto me-- And "onesty was shinin" in hiz eyes-- "_It"s jist the sort o" story wot no one won"t beleeve-- But it"s true, little nipper, if I dies_,"
THE AMATEUR ORLANDO.
BY GEORGE T. LANIGAN.
It was an Amateur Dram. a.s.s., (Kind hearer, although your Knowledge of French is not first-cla.s.s, Don"t call that Amature.) It was an Amateur Dram. a.s.s., The which did warfare wage On the dramatic works of this And every other age.
It had a walking gentleman, A leading juvenile, First lady in book-muslin dressed.
With a galvanic smile; Thereto a singing chambermaid, Benignant heavy pa, And oh, heavier still was the heavier vill- Ain, with his fierce "Ha! Ha!"
There wasn"t an author from Shakespeare down-- Or up--to Boucicault, These amateurs weren"t competent To collar and a.s.sault.
And when the winter time came round-- "Season" "s a stagier phrase-- The Am. Dram. a.s.s. a.s.saulted one Of the Bard of Avon"s plays.
"Twas _As You Like It_ that they chose; For the leading lady"s heart Was set on playing _Rosalind_ Or some other page"s part, And the President of the Am. Dram. a.s.s., A stalwart dry-goods clerk, Was cast for _Oriando_, in which _role_ He felt he"d make his mark.
"I mind me," said the President, (All thoughtful was his face,) "When _Oriando_ was taken by Thingummy That _Charles_ was played by Mace.