I guess, looking back, it was because of how relaxed he made, how his warm embrace eased my mind to the point of not thinking about the consequences, not thinking about what he may make out of my words, but after experiencing so much suffering, of almost dying so many times, I just…I think I didn"t care anymore.
I just wanted to let it out.
Like a jar filled with boiling water, it finally overflows.
"Is all her fault you know! I-I never meant to be this way, it wasn"t easy, never easy, being albino was already bad enough, but the germophobia made things even worst, especially-especially when I couldn"t escape it, mostly at home, even more at home."
A weak choked laugh escapes my lips when I remember that the first place I felt in peace had been the place that I first worked on and made some friends, far from home, only as an adult...
Believe me, at work of all things!
And yet not even that lasted with the war and the apocalypse.
"I couldn"t know when I was little, I was so��� lost, naïve, unaware of things, and yet when I learned the reason many years later it all made sense…all fit in."
I stop for a second, feeling like a rock was stuck in my throat, but this time I would let it out. Nolan"s hug only grows stronger as words flowed out of my mouth, my eyes starting to get soggy as I hid them on his fur.
"I"m the result of a ****." I say, clutching him close to me as my shoulders keep trembling and jolting, sobs threatening to take away my voice.
"But it wasn"t a simple ****… it was her boyfriend, someone she knew, someone I never meet." Thankfully." But when she died I learned everything, on how they fought a lot after they started living together, on how he beat her… the limit was when he forced himself on her."
"And yet… She had me. Just like that, after she got her freedom back… and I blamed her for-for being like this for so many years! After her death, after the truth, I don"t, I don"t even know how to feel anymore, until now I don��t, after all we are family right? Family supports each other no matter what right? So what should I do…"
I stop for a while, feeling that if I keep talking it would start to sound like mumbling between sobs, and as I tried to calm down Nolan breath keeps rasping against the back of my neck, his fur smoothly brushing against my face and neck, almost as if we were wolves cuddling.
I, however, even with a heavyweight on my chest only breathing in short intakes and yet trying to speak, push him back to look into his eyes and ask, remembering words said in a long lost past, but not forgotten, never forgotten:
"Am I disgusting Nolan? Am I good for nothing leech? Should I have been born at all? I-I…" Confused, shocked, I look at my hands clenching his fur and suddenly I push him aside, but since I was somehow sitting on his lap I didn"t reach far before his long arms were once again embracing me.
"No, no! Get away! Don"t touch me! Stop!" I say but that only makes him hold me in place with more determination, waiting patiently for me to calm down, until my fists stop trying to hit him and my screams turned into sobbed whispers as I begged him: "Don"t touch me, I don"t want to disgust you, I have failed her, I will fail you too, please..."
Not you, please not you too.
"Never." He says in my mind and I can hear his wolf growl in agreement, such a wild strong yet simple response that gives me more confidence then thousand fancy words. "I would never. As for your mother I cannot tell you how to feel about her, that"s something only you can decide on, but I can tell you that I would thank her." He says, making me frown, my sobs turning into uncontrollable shaking as I look into his brownish-yellow eyes.
"I would thank her because, if not for her, you wouldn"t be here right now, and even after all the terrible things she did to you, if it wasn"t for her I wouldn"t have you here, in my arms, would not be able to feel you, to taste your scent, to see your smile, to comfort you and be comforted by you…"
"B-but I haven"t done anything to you…"
"How not? Before you came into my life I was a mere beast, a human in a wolf"s body, merely riding along, but since you came something in me awaken, something that wants you here, beside me… Am I too greedy for wanting that? For wanting your love even if I look… like this?"
I blush for a moment when he says that he wants my love so casually, but after my mumbled brain is able to make sense of his last words I look down, then up, weakly smiling as tears still dirtied my face.
"Seems like we are not so different after all, are we?" I weakly laugh, unable to explain more with my emotions overflowing.
We look at each other for a while, the tears resting on my eyes and making me look even more pitiful and adorable as the tension between us seems to slowly shift to something else, something more fierce and hot.
He cups my face with his pawed hands, our faces so close that our breathing meddles together, and as I look him over I swallow my saliva and clench my hands, not knowing where to look.
"You are a wonderful person Enzo. Not many would risk their lives for an animal like you did, especially in times like this, not many would be strong enough to survive all these years like you did and still be a good person, so don"t think lowly of yourself because you are the strongest and kindest person I have ever meet. Without you I"m sure I would just keep being the mindless beast I was before meeting you. So thank you for being here."
As if I wasn"t embarra.s.sed enough before he keeps talking sweet words to me, and I don"t even know what I am feeling anymore at this point, just that my ears were burning red as bright as my face, a charming contrast with my white skin.
He stops talking when his gaze intensifies and he looks me over. That"s when he bends closer, his cold snout pressing against my cheek, followed by a warm long tongue, the contrast making me shiver from head to toe and earning a small chuckle from him as he keeps working his way to my ear, teasing it by brushing his warm tongue quickly and breathing a warm gust of air in, making me bite my lips so a shameful moan doesn"t escape me.
I can feel a tingling warm sensation spreading through my limbs and growing in my lower abdomen as he keeps teasing me, and as he reaches out to grab the edge of my clothes to touch the eager skin beneath a whimper takes us out of the feverish acts as we look down.
Only to see a very cute puppy dog looking disaffected at us as she stayed sandwiched between our bodies, a disapproving glint in her eyes that makes me almost see her little paw tapping the floor in discontent.
It feels like our mothers caught us in the act.
I fake an awkward cough as Nolan gives her more s.p.a.ce, and probably because of the medicine she stays awake for longer, looking at us and swinging her tail back and forth, making us foolish smile as I go and pet her more, putting her on the floor so she could stretch her legs.
That makes the reality of the lack of medicine come crashing down on us once more, still lingering over my head like a reaper waiting for my death.
"There must be other ways." Nolan says, his mind somehow coming back and focusing on the task at hand. "We could find another clinic, a hospital even, for now we have, what, three days? We will manage…"
There is no time to waste in the apocalypse, so we start to discuss what to do next and how to get out of this predicament.
"But how will we find those places? This city is big, and most have been scavenged already, especially the easier ones, perhaps our best choice is to go to a camp and maybe buy some there, even if it is expensive… we could always hunt something in the woods and exchange the meat for it." They were few, but those three pills gave us enough time to think and plan our next step, opening many options.
However I remember a problem… there was no human camping around this area; at least that I"m aware of; so we would need to travel once more to another location.
And we still have the werewolf situation, and for their ferocious gaze I"m betting that they will be as stubborn as predators chasing their prey, still out there, looking for us...
Unless…
Unless we steal from the wolves once more, unless we get rid of them, once and for all, and it seemed like a rather tempting option at the moment…
As we were thinking of our options we keep half-hugging each other, now without Kira in between but attentively watching her walk around, staying like this for enough time that our heartbeats synchronized and our breathing coated the other with each other"s smells, we end up far too concentrated, far to distracted from the outside that we forgot completely to pay attention to what may still lay inside this building, in the shadows.
That"s why, when I open my eyes and look over Nolan"s shoulder I tense, but quickly open my mouth:
"I may have an idea about what to do… but you won"t like it."
Not even sure that I like it myself.