| | 18: Somewhere We Don’t Belong
Raws:
I took a seat.
Aira, Palmira, and Leon were lined up before me, similarly seated.
It was Irene I promised, not Leon, but oh well, I’ll tell her some other time.
Though whether or not it’ll be the truth is a different question.
But at least these three, I thought, should hear the truth.
Aira.
Palmira.
Now, after walking the same line between life and death so many times, they were companions no one could replace.
And they had told me about their own pasts. That was why I should tell them my own now.
It wasn’t a debt I owed them. I was just telling them because I wanted to.
I wanted to share that connection with them.
Leon.
He was a mystery.
He was still hiding parts of himself behind courtesy. Even now, he addressed me formally.
Still, he was cheeky to a strange degree, so I ended up saying whatever I felt like to him.
Objectively speaking, only a few days had pa.s.sed since we met, but I’d come to rely on him against my better judgement.
I shouldn’t have been the trusting type in the first place. But why, in spite of that, had I ended up having this much faith in him?
The more I thought about it, the less I understood.
I didn’t understand, but to put it bluntly —
If I didn’t talk about myself now, I’d probably regret it.
“…Though I wonder where I should start…”
Looking at Aira, her expression slightly tense, and Palmira, I traced my past upriver.
The day I became a woman.
Further back.
The day I became an adventurer.
The day I left that country with my tail between my legs.
The day I swore I would never rely on anyone.
I looked at Leon. Instead of his usual smile, he watched me with sincerity.
Alright. All of it, from the very beginning.
Let’s have them hear it from the very beginning.
–
–
I was born on the continent across the sea from the Empire. Even in the confederation of small nation-states it belonged to, the country of my birth was especially small.
Not that I came from a particularly distinguished pedigree or anything like that.
I wasn’t poor, but I wasn’t rich either. I was raised as the eldest son of a small merchant family.
I don’t remember much from my childhood.
Only that my parents were kind, and my little sister, who had joined us before I knew it, was adorable.
I wasn’t particularly unfortunate, but on the other hand, I wasn’t generously blessed with happiness either. I was one of those kids you could find anywhere, just living a normal life.
One day, when I came home with my sister in tow, my parents were in the dining room discussing something. The mood was extremely serious, and my sister and I were a bit scared as we stared at them. I remember that with horrible clarity.
Now, if I think about it, they were talking about the unrest in the neighboring country.
Then, my country, which should have been at peace, witnessed the horrors of war.
— Do you understand what it was like?
The sight of the world that you believed would never change — suddenly painted red? The despair of losing the everyday life that should have been unshakeable?
What should never have disappeared, did. What should never have been, was.
My home crumbled, and the familiar faces disappeared.
Before I knew it, the war was over, but that only marked the beginning of more miserable days to come.
Nowhere to live.
Nothing to eat.
During those days, I lost everything.
My parents, my sister. They disappeared while I stood by and did nothing.
Of course, I shouted for help.
It’s just, thinking back on it now, everyone was desperate.
But the reality was, no one came to save us. Everyone pretended not to see. My desperate screams went unanswered.
In the time I spent screaming, I lost everything.
I don’t really remember what I did after that.
When I came to, I was on a ship crossing the sea. Maybe I wanted to run away from that disaster-stricken land.
I’m sure it’s already been close to eight years since then. Since I disembarked here, and then began my career as an adventurer.
“Eight… years ago?”
Aira’s eyes were wide with amazement. I tipped her a small nod in response.
“Yeah, I’m sure that when I crossed the sea, I was ten years old. After that, as an adventurer… well, there was no age limit at the time, but I still got into a fight with the guild…”
With a wry smile, I recalled what had happened.
Unsurprisingly, the guild clerks were rather perplexed, and ultimately, I had to go again and again and again until I got my registration.
Thinking on it now, I was being pretty unreasonable, but I was desperate.
…There’s a chance it’s my fault that there’s an age limit now… well, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit, but it might have been one of the main reasons.
“Then how old are you now, Big Sister?”
“Eighteen. Probably.”
To be honest, I might be off by a year or so. My age didn’t matter that much to me.
“Well, setting that aside, I sc.r.a.ped by day to day taking on various jobs as an adventurer. And when I say various, I’m really not kidding. Often it was monster extermination, caravan escort, bandit hunting… I’ve gone into combat as a mercenary too.”
“That reminds me, you said you would go back to being an adventurer.”
“Good memory.”
“Of course. I said I’d be one too.”
‘So you did, now that I think about it,’ I smiled wryly. By what twist of fate did I go from there to end up here?
Life is beyond my ability to understand, I think.
“However, in practice, the core of adventuring is still ruin exploration. So one day, I…”
Now I got down to business.
I told them that I found a new set of ruins in the Artor Ruins Cl.u.s.ter.
That I surveyed it by myself, even though it was reckless.
That even so, I discovered its final treasure.
That I triggered a trap and got poisoned.
That I did made a decision that I now genuinely considered rash, and chugged the vials of mystery medicine.
And that… I then turned female.
These things I dramatized as little as possible, speaking with indifference.
“So, then I got myself caught by slavers like an idiot, and became a slave.”
And there you have it.
Now that I’d spit out what I wanted to tell but couldn’t, I felt an indescribable sense of freedom and contentment.
My black tea had cooled quickly. I downed the entire cup in one go.
The rest of it can go to h.e.l.l for all I care. There was some of that hopelessness in the mix too.
“…So what you’re saying, is that you’re actually Big Brother?”
Aira was the first to speak. And what’s more, she came out with this crazy gem.
And of course, I hadn’t expected a question like that. To tell you the truth, I thought that even if they pulled back from me, it couldn’t be helped, but… I mean, if our positions were reversed, I’m sure I would have.
And how do I even answer Aira’s question in the first place?
“I get it. Chris is Chris. I don’t care either way.”
Next up was Palmira. She answered quite easily, but those probably were the words I wanted to hear the most.
It moved me, a little.
Honestly, I was afraid. Wouldn’t they reject me?
Brushing aside my insecurity with ease, Palmira accepted me. Hearing those words, I’d never been happier than I was at that moment. They came as such a relief to me that I had to let out a sigh.
Beside Palmira, who had little reaction once she finished talking, Aira was muttering on about how ‘Big Brother sounds strange, though’ and other weird things, as always.
In that case, it seemed she’d accepted me too… I think. Honestly, I was nervous, but that would be just like her.
Leaving Aira for now, the last one… I turned my gaze to Leon.
“…Frankly speaking, I was surprised. I expected there to be something, but…”
Leon wasn’t his usual self. He was talking like he was choosing his words with care.
‘Huh?’
…pretty much summed it up.
Well, looking at it calmly, ‘Huh?’ would be weird.
So what is this?
On the other hand, Leon seemed to be having a rare moment of hesitation, his expression somehow pensive.
No… this is how things would normally go, I think. Yeah, being told that the person you’d been treating as a woman was actually a man, it’s absolutely normal to have correspondingly complicated feelings.
…This is normal…
It was normal, but, for some reason, the way it made me feel — call it disappointment, or perhaps a feeling of being betrayed.
Okay, what the h.e.l.l is this?
“…Would you give me a little time to think?”
‘Excuse me,’
he said tersely, as he rose from his seat and left at a quick pace.
Somehow, he seemed fl.u.s.tered.
It was my first time seeing him like that. Or rather, it wasn’t part of my image of him.
Even so.
“Well, that’s that…”
Leaning back in the chair in resignation, I looked at the sky. I let out a heavy sigh.
What the h.e.l.l.
For some dumb reason, Leon was the only one I didn’t want to get that response from.
A strange trust.
It was all in my head after all. Things weren’t really like that. When the thought occurred to me, I couldn’t help but condemn Leon.
No, I misplaced my trust to begin with.
“Big Sister, don’t worry about it…”
Aira, who seemed the most fl.u.s.tered by the present scene, followed up with some words of comfort.
I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong, but I want to be left alone for a little while. Right now, my feelings are terribly complicated…
“Um, I mean, is it okay to call you Big Sister?”
Somehow, it felt like rubbing salt in the wound. Holding myself still, I turned just my head and gave her the most repulsive smile I could muster.
“For now, calling me Big Sister’s juuust fine. ‘Cause right now, I actually am a girl.”
Even so, as if saying ‘I don’t give a s.h.i.t,’ I claimed it just like that.
For some reason, I suddenly found my answer hilarious, and I inadvertently burst into laughter.
“Ah–hah–haha, oh man, what the h.e.l.l?”
Is this okay? You two.
The thing in front of you is a tranny 1, you know.
If it were me, I’d be grossed out, you know? I’m serious.
It’s normal, not knowing what to say. Just like Leon earlier.
“Jeez, what’s so funny?”
“Aira.”
As Aira openly expressed her indignation, Palmira tugged on her sleeve and shook her head. Like she’d sensed something.
Forget it, there’s no need to be all considerate and s.h.i.t. It’s stupid.
The woman before your eyes is actually a man, a slave, a war orphan. No more, no less.
Even if you don’t trust me all that much, it’s all good.
…But, well.
I’m glad you are who you are.
“Haha… well, thanks. Again — I’ll be in your care, you guys.”
Leaning back again, but not quite as far, I looked at the sky as I spoke.
I kept my face out of view.
But I knew they would definitely say it.
“”Same here.””
Author’s Notes
I stumbled quite a bit on this one.
By the way, this story is mostly made of points that I’ve been going over in my head, linking the first and second half together.
Then, will it thirty-four chapters?
You can ask, but I don’t know either.
Footnotes
1. Chris uses the term 女男, which apparently means “mannish woman” or “effeminate man”… or “the dual cosmic forces of yin and yang”. I went with “tranny” because Chris is being self-denigrating here, but I’m very open to alternatives when it comes up later.
Aira has the best reactions to these big ident.i.ty reveals.
“I’m twenty years old.” “Big Sister?”
“I’m actually a man.” “Big Brother?”
Now there’s a girl who has her priorities straight.