“S–So tired…”
I thought back on my day: after breakfast, it was lunch, and going into the afternoon after lunch, it was the torture called [training].
Starting with how to talk, then how to walk, how to curtsy. The dining etiquette I’d been spared during breakfast came in full force during lunch. Manners. Etc.
It wasn’t just limited to the short-term, like special occasions, but included general conduct that was necessary as a natural part of daily life.
The basics. Apparently.
When you’re talking about how to walk, it’s pretty much the most basic of the basics. ‘Before long, won’t I even be practicing how to breathe?’ I thought, joking… I was pretty put out when I realized that it wasn’t so much a joke after all.
Most of the training took place under Allie’s direction. While speaking with her usual courtesy, her firm insistence brooked no argument, preventing me from voicing any objections. And as for the resulting training, I couldn’t think of anything to call it but ‘severe’.
By one thing or another, Aira took part in training along with me, but as reluctant as I was to admit it, she picked things up fast. It was humiliating.
No no, that’s natural. I was a man to start with. If I learned quickly with this handicap, Aira would be pretty miserable, and me being me, I’d have complicated feelings about the whole thing, I think.
Still, if I think about it, I can’t help but feel that when I return to being a man, all these skills I’m being made to acquire with all my effort will be meaningless. Sure, they’d be essential for the act, and I did think that in those terms, they were more or less necessary. But I never imagined that I’d have to be this serious about studying them.
Putting on a sham love affair for the upper cla.s.ses. The whole thing was just too ridiculous, so frankly, I underestimated it. What a bulls.h.i.t story.
“…I wanna stop already…”
My honest feelings slipped out.
It wasn’t like there was anyone around to hear. The words vanished into the high blue skies of autumn.
Then, with a sloppy appearance that Allie would’ve been sure to scold me for, had she seen it, I slumped back in my chair.
It was break time right now. That’s how Allie put it.
I was sitting alone at a table set in the mansion’s courtyard.
There was tea placed on the table. From the looks of it, I’d also be having tea party training in the near future, but apparently, I’d been spared for today. This half-killed feeling was something else. Allie did a splendid job of preventing me from exploding. What a terrifying woman.
I realized it over the course of yesterday and today, but you see, she was flawless.
Her bearing as a maid. Language. Work. All beyond reproach. Under those conditions, she [ordered] me about, all the while holding back at least a little for professionalism’s sake.
A woman like that was addressing me as ‘my lady’ and treating me like the head of the house. It was almost like she was fashioning a doll, in a way. And yet it didn’t make me feel all that uncomfortable.
I took a look at myself.
The clothes I’d been dressed in this morning, just like that very doll. A pale blue pullover. Below that, not a skirt, but a pair of crop pants. Thinking about it now, that must’ve been for the sake of training. All morning, I was forced to do mysterious exercises that involved walking with a board clamped between my legs. Thanks to which my legs took a good battering.
I had light makeup on my face. Also Allie’s technique.
It was obvious, but I didn’t have the slightest idea how to do it by myself. My hair had been neatly done up too.
In other words, my appearance should’ve been perfect. All that’s left is what’s inside, I guess.
If I end up like this both inside and out, will I turn into a woman completely? It was long past time to be saying this, but I found the idea rather terrifying. Will I really be able to turn back into a man?
…Though even if I complain now, there’s nothing I can do.
I’ll put up with it for now, then return to being a man. To that end, I have to etch it deeply into my mind. That I’m a man.
“Still…”
It’s depressing. I heaved a large sigh for the umpteenth time.
“Ahaha–, it looks like you’re pretty worn out. You alright?”
As I slacked off, a voice suddenly came from outside. It was a man’s voice.
My consciousness returned with a snap, and I looked around for the source.
The owner of the voice was sitting on the wall at the end of the courtyard. The wall wasn’t all that high, but it was still about two meters tall. The man was perched on top of it, looking down at me with a deeply interested grin.
Age-wise, he was in his twenties, maybe? It was hard to say. Besides, his smile was like that of a mischievous boy. Then there was his impoliteness and his cheeky gaze. He gave off a strong impression of thoughtlessness, but it was making his age harder to figure out.
“Who might you be?”
Casually straightening my sitting posture, I glared at the intruder as I issued a sharp challenge.
Considering things so far, even I was surprised to hear myself suddenly break out into polite speech. Could this be the result of my training? If so, that’s kinda scary.
“A–ha, sorry, sorry. I really should introduce myself first, shouldn’t I! Right. My name is Lucien. And you are?”
Half-stuck in his own little world, the man introduced himself with excessive enthusiasm. Then, without any warning, he hopped off the wall and landed in the courtyard.
Wrong. That’s not it.
It’s not your name I want to know. I was asking, who are you and where did you get the b.a.l.l.s to peek into someone else’s mansion? And one with walls to boot?
Showing no sign of having recognized my real intention, the rude man in the courtyard — whose name I now knew, as much as I didn’t want to — Lucien came up to me. Without the least bit of restraint, he placed his hands on the table and peered into my face with a smile.
Ever heard of personal s.p.a.ce? The h.e.l.l’s with this guy?
Should I play the aristocrat? Say [You insolent wretch!] and hit him?
“…What is it? This is impolite, don’t you think?”
But because I had no idea who this guy was, I refrained from hitting him. Still, glaring, I pointed out his discourtesy. Generally speaking, I found his excessive pushiness off-putting.
“Ah, name. I want you to tell me.”
He conveniently ignored the second half of my words, asking for my name with a calm expression.
Though his aggressiveness was unpleasant, to be honest, there was a charm to that smile of his. For some reason, I felt myself being drawn in.
“…Chris,”
I muttered, turning my eyes away.
I knew he was the type of person I couldn’t afford to play games with directly.
Even so, he’d named himself first, and his mysterious charm tugged at me. Before I knew it, I’d inadvertently given him my name. Why, I didn’t know.
“Chris. A name as just as lovely as you are.”
His voice wasn’t the same strongly-worded, overbearing tone it had been until now, but something gently refreshing that caressed my ears.
I shivered.
For some reason, that voice rattled me.
Was it my name being called that did it?
Or was it being told I was pretty?
Or —
— was it the very way he spoke?
I don’t know.
However, the p.r.i.c.kling sensation at the back of my neck, the uneasiness that had multiplied several times over, those I felt for sure.
Unconsciously, I turned toward Lucien — and I met his eyes.
Black eyes that seemed to suck me in.
I’d seen these eyes before, somewhere. Eyes that were dear to me. But, eyes that seemed to have been stolen from elsewhere.
I could tell that my pulse had sped up, but when?
What is this? Regardless of my will, various feelings stirred within me one after another.
I was getting fl.u.s.tered. I was getting sucked in. Worked up. Pulled away. Torn free.
Just who in the world — ?
Before my eyes. Lucien’s face drew closer.
I —
I —
I —
I —
I —
I–I–I–I–I–I–I–I–
— Leon!
Crack —
At the back of my head, I heard something splitting apart.
“Lord Lucien!”
A voice reached my ears at the same time, snapping me back to my senses. In the s.p.a.ce of a moment, I threw my body backward to get away from Lucien.
Even I could tell how much of a mess my mind was in. I blinked several times as I put my thoughts in order. Then, I looked in the direction of the voice.
“Yo, Allie. Pretty as always.”
It was Lucien who spoke up first. His voice was aloof, without a trace of that bizarre atmosphere that had surrounded him earlier.
Without knowing why, I turned my face away from Allie and lightly bit my lip.
What was all that just now? I couldn’t find the right words to express it.
A bunch of different feelings enveloped me all at once, leaving me awfully shaken up.
Was it — danger? Even that, I don’t really know.
I can’t make sense of it. And my intuition is telling me that I shouldn’t.
“If you’re going to pay a visit, please use the entrance!”
“Ahaha, sorry about that. It was an accident. This way is shorter, you see.”
“It was no accident. This happens every time.”
Allie and Lucien’s back and forth echoed in my ears.
So that was normal. Just now, was that all in my head?
It was tough to distinguish whether Lucien had something to do with it.
“In any event, what is your business here today? Lord Lucien.”
“I heard Leon got back. When I came over to see his face, there was an incredibly beautiful girl I didn’t recognize. I was just thinking to deepen our friendship a bit.”
“…My lady is Lord Leon’s significant other. If anyone attempts to lay a finger on her, I will not permit it. Even if it is you, Lord Lucien.”
When Leon’s name came up, I looked at Allie with a start.
Well, considering the flow of the conversation, it wasn’t weird for it to pop up.
But it reminded me that in the earlier confusion, I’d glimpsed Leon’s face.
At that moment, I’d felt two conflicting emotions.
One was purely a wish. Desire.
…The other —
“Hehhh, no kidding! Leon, huh. And here I thought he had no interest in women at all. Wow, I’m kinda moved. But still — ”
Amid the disorder, Lucien’s hand suddenly reached out toward my face.
Caught completely off-guard, I felt his fingers touch my chin.
” — it’s kind of a waste.”
Those eyes looking down at me sent a shiver through my body.
For a moment, the sensation broke my train of thought.
Immediately thinking of the reason, I took a shock.
Because it felt almost pleasant.
“~~~~~!!!!!!”
In that moment, I jumped to my feet and reflexively took a swing at Lucien’s head.
“Hup–”
“My lady!”
My fist couldn’t connect with the target. Shaking his head, Lucien avoided it with relative ease.
And that was why I took another swing, only to be stopped bodily by Allie.
” — ! You insolent — !”
The words I didn’t say earlier now burst out of my mouth.
In any case, I had to do something about Lucien. Something painful.
I had to deny that feeling as soon as possible.
“You mustn’t! My lady!”
Even with Allie holding me back, I thrashed and writhed, still trying to grab at Lucien.
Right in front of me, Lucien was smiling as if genuinely enjoying himself.
“Aha–! Chris. You really are wasted on Leon, don’t you think? You’re very much to my taste.”
He spoke without shame, like he was really just talking about the weather.
— With an amiable smile on his face.
“–…Uh–”
Seeing that, I stopped moving.
Why? Why am I — ?
“Brother!”
Leon’s voice echoed like an auditory hallucination.
The voice that, at that moment, I most — and least — wanted to hear.
— ‘Brother’?
“Ah, Leon. I was just visiting.”
“What’s going on! Why weren’t you at the castle!”
His voice was violent, as if he were enraged.
Generally, when Leon sounded like that, it had something to do with me.
His voice drew closer from behind, and then, pa.s.sing Allie and me, he interposed himself between Lucien and us. All I could see was his back.
“‘Cause it doesn’t really have anything to do with me. Going to war and whatnot.”
“We both know that’s not the reason, not even for a — !”
There, Leon’s voice unnaturally broke off.
So unnaturally that even with his back to me, I could tell he was fl.u.s.tered.
“Oh? Leon. Could it be, you didn’t tell Chris?”
Tell me what?
The way the conversation was going, I didn’t know why my name would come up.
“…Well, okay then. I’ve offended both of you, so let’s do this again some other day. Chris — ”
Leaving Leon frozen in place, Lucien stepped around him and walked over to me, pa.s.sed by me.
“As for who I am… no, who Leon is, you should ask him properly. Well, ’til next time.”
Cool to the end, Lucien made his exit, leaving just those parting words in his wake.
Same as when he came, his high-handed behavior only perplexed me.
“Leon…?”
I timidly called out to the motionless Leon.
Just what kind of face does he have on right now? I’m pretty curious. Why did Leon get that angry with his older brother(?)?
And what is Leon’s ident.i.ty? The only thing on my mind was, ‘What does it all mean?’
At the sound of my voice, Leon sighed deeply and finally turned to look at me.
“I apologize. I behaved disgracefully in front of you.”
When he turned around, his face was like usual.
Did he rearrange his expression with that sigh?
For some reason, I thought so.
“No, it’s okay, but… umm, was that your brother just now?”
“As reluctant as I am to admit it… yes.”
Leon pulled an exasperated face.
No, I felt like something wasn’t right. I had a hunch that inside, his feelings were something else.
It seemed to me that he was smoothing things over. Why it seemed like that to me, I couldn’t really explain.
“…At present, I imagine you have many things you want to ask, but I’ll give you a proper explanation later, so…”
Leon said, his face still troubled.
That’s not it, right? That’s not how it is between us, right?
Even though it would be better if he were to tell me clearly.
What is he so afraid of?
“Later, then. Allie. I’ll get changed. Give me a hand.”
…Why?
I can understand. It’s because Allie’s here.
Then, when it’s just the two of us, will he come clean with me? No, my instincts aren’t saying that.
Why won’t he talk to me now?
I felt uneasy. Dissatisfied.
I thought back.
That glimpse of Leon’s face, when Lucien looked at me.
The other emotion inside me at that moment.
There’s no mistake. It was loathing.