“I’m exhausted…”
Alone, I took an open door out to one of the balconies coming off the hall.
Only then did I feel like I’d escaped from the hustle and bustle inside.
Though the light streaming out from the hall illuminated the wide balcony in its entirety, in contrast to the boisterous, dazzling scene inside, this less popular location instead felt rather chilly.
I walked to one end of the balcony.
Inside, still noisy, the conversation continued to flow among the brigade of n.o.ble wives.
Now that I thought about it, her true nature was completely unknown, but aged down from twenty to fourteen, Palmira was incredibly popular with them. Offering her up as a human sacrifice, I made the appropriate noises and snuck away by myself.
The autumn wind was immensely pleasant against my skin.
I wouldn’t say that the atmosphere inside was stagnant, but it was still suffocating in some ways. I probably would’ve been ill at ease, even under normal circ.u.mstances. Because even I knew that I was pushing myself.
Resting my hand on the banister at the end of the balcony, I did some stretching, if in moderation. I didn’t know where I might be seen, so I couldn’t be careless.
All the same, I was hungry. Thirsty, too.
Though there was as much food as I could ever want, I was deluged by a flood of drink recommendations before I could even reach out my hand. But before leaving the mansion, Aira and Palmira strictly forbade me from drinking alcohol. Not knowing what was alcoholic and what wasn’t, I didn’t dare make a move.
Even so, when my hand moved just a little bit in the direction of a gla.s.s, Palmira blocked it with an incredible casualness. She’s too scary. Or more precisely, I even have the sneaking suspicion that Palmira was chosen as my attendant for that very reason.
Well, no big deal, right? Today was a test of endurance.
I looked down at the city from the railing. Because the castle stood on the highest point of the hill — or mountain, if you were feeling generous — I could see everything.
My view of the city was blocked by a canopy of trees that seemed to have been planted on this side in order to isolate the castle from the outside world, but what I could see through the gaps appeared more dazzling than usual. The moonlight illuminating the entire city glimmered and danced.
Come to think of it, people were talking about how the festival was going.
So maybe today was special.
Speaking of the festival, of course it was impossible not to know about it.
The night would run longer than usual, and the open air market selling special items would make an appearance. That’s why it was a special day with a special mood.
And if I could go…
It seemed way more fun in the city than here.
Wait, isn’t this like some princess yearning for the life of the common folk? Of course, for me, being here was a special event too, but all I felt was mentally exhausted.
I wanted to taste freedom on this special day, all the same.
“Ahhh, I wish I was over there.”
Without thinking, I let slip my true feelings.
“You must be tired. But might I ask you to endure for a little longer?”
asked a voice from behind me. It didn’t surprise me anymore.
When I turned around, Leon was there as a matter of course. He had two gla.s.ses in his hands.
I took the one he held out to me.
“It’s fruit juice.”
I was going to drink it anyway, alcohol be d.a.m.ned, but with Leon going out of his way to tell me, no doubt he also understood Aira and Palmira’s warnings.
Since it wasn’t mixed with alcohol, I gratefully knocked it back.
“Hoo, thanks. My throat was so dry. You’re a lifesaver, you know that?”
“That’s the most important.”
Grinning, he raised his own gla.s.s. Unlike me, he didn’t down the whole thing, but instead took an elegant sip.
Seeing him, I thought I might ask him the thing that’d been on my mind for a long, long time.
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Leon, that, I mean, that formal tone. Isn’t it time to just be yourself?”
It was a vague sort of suggestion.
Honestly, I didn’t find that tone of voice particularly out of character for him.
But hearing him talking to people like Croteaux or Allie, it seemed that formal speech wasn’t the default for him. Of course, it did seem to me that that kind of speech wasn’t his default either.
But if it was a conscious decision he was making, it made me feel kinda lonely.
“…I suppose that’s true. But because I’ve spoken this way the whole time since we met, it seems a little late to be changing it now. I wouldn’t call it a deliberate affectation, exactly.”
“Then were you like that with [Chris] too?”
I wasn’t all that familiar with how Leon spoke in those dreams. That stuff was vague, like it was shrouded in mist.
But the only thing I did know was that he didn’t use the kind of tone he was right now.
It wasn’t like I was telling him to treat me the same way as [Chris]. I just thought, if Leon was forcing himself to speak that way…
Honestly, I wanted to see the original Leon.
— Ah, well, yeah. If I think about it, it’s not unreasonable. Probably.
I just want to see the real Leon, that’s all.
“I — don’t mean to say it was like that. Certainly not. But to be honest, it’s still embarra.s.sing to think about it after all this time.”
“Hmph, it’s probably too late because it’s embarra.s.sing… What a stubborn guy. Well, it’s alright.”
Even so, I didn’t mean to be that a.n.a.l about it.
I was pretty curious, but it was rather late to be having this conversation, sure.
I sighed.
Thadoom!
“Hmm–!?”
As my mind wandered, a sudden reverberating boom almost scared me out of my skin, and I turned to look behind me.
Great blooms of light sparkled in the night sky.
Bursting into a glittering rainbow, spreading, then disappearing.
“Wh–What’s that?”
My eyes were glued to the magical sight.
Just when I think it was over, another burst of light filled the sky, followed by a delayed rumble.
It was a wondrous and beautiful sight.
What in the world are they? What’s happening to them? Any questions and theories were swept to the side; they were just too brilliant.
“Fireworks. Is this your first time seeing them?”
“Ah, yeah. Wooow…”
I watched in fascination as flowers of light blossomed one after another in the night sky.
Really, how beautiful.
They had a beauty that sent shivers down my spine.
“L–Leon! It’s amazing! I’ve never seen anything like them!”
As I raised my voice in excitement, I flicked my gaze over to Leon just briefly, so that I wouldn’t miss a moment.
Fireworks? How could there be something so amazing in the world?
As if banishing the darkness, huge sunbursts continued to bloom against the deep black of the night.
Taken captive by their tangible fairy-tale beauty, I said no more, and continued to look up into the sky.
“Chris.”
“Wha?”
My attention captured by the fireworks, Leon’s voice reached my ear.
Just as I responded in a idiot’s voice, he suddenly embraced me from behind.
“…–uh, L–Leon — ”
Startled, I tried to turn around, but in his close hug, I couldn’t get a good look at his face.
That was how tightly he held me, like he was restraining me.
In my surprise, I reflexively let go on the banister to free myself.
” — Chris.”
In an instant, his voice whispered directly into my ear.
A shiver ran through me as my body stiffened. I could sense my will to break free draining away.
What the h.e.l.l’s going on?
I directed the question at Leon, at myself.
My arms froze in the process of shaking free, and I tightly clenched my fists as to hold something back.
“H–Hey. Leon — ”
” — Chris. I will definitely protect you. No matter what happens, believe in me.”1
“–!”
Once more, he whispered in my ear.
I trembled, my body swept by emotion of such intensity that I couldn’t help but shiver.
Just — just whose words — are these?
So my reason asked me, but even so, my instinct raced ahead, accepting it as fact: this is the original — the real Leon. Knowing that, those strong words roused in me a joy that seemed to render me numb.
Their meaning, I didn’t understand.
‘No matter what happens’.
For all that, Leon almost certainly still had something he couldn’t tell me.
And yet he said, ‘Believe in me,’ in what was probably the strongest way he knew how.
This is so… unfair. He wasn’t saying the crucial thing. But.
Refusing to believe in him — there’s no way I could, is there?
“I — I know, okay, Leon?”
My heart was beating so quickly even I could sense it.
That just made it more embarra.s.sing. Because he was holding me, it was definitely coming through to him too.
Just what look does Leon have on his face right now? I really wanted to see it for myself.
Somewhere, alarm bells were screeching ‘Abort!’, but even so, almost as if under someone else’s control, I turned to look over my shoulder at him.
” — !”
Naturally, I ended up staring into Leon’s face at point-blank range.
Although the breath caught in my throat and I tried to move away, his watching eyes captured me, and I couldn’t escape.
In the radiance of the fireworks behind me, Leon’s face, his eyes, glittered with a mysterious light.
It was as if I were being sucked in.
“…Chris.”
No good, it’s no good. Don’t call me with that voice, that face, that gaze.
My ears, my chest, my heart seemed to melt away.
I was starting to think I should just let things take their course.
Instinct was taking me over.
I blinked again and again, fighting back the urge to close my eyes.
But even my feelings ran the other way. There’s no mistaking it — in the depths of my heart, I’d been wishing for this. A self-contradiction. Even though I didn’t want it, I couldn’t help but want it —
— Someday, I have to leave this body —
“Nn–!”
In a flash, besieged by terror and my resurrected resolve, I pushed Leon aside when we were a hair’s breadth apart.
Intense guilt threatened to tear me into pieces.
I denied the instincts of the deepest part of my heart.
Because I took my conduct at that moment as a mistake. Maybe that was the real mistake.
That’s why I couldn’t look at his face directly — Leon, who I’d forcibly pushed away from myself.
How is he feeling? Shocked, disappointed?
When I thought of that, my heart threatened to split open.
Why am I thinking about this sort of thing —
— Because just now, I’d clearly rejected him.
“Leon — !”
Panicking, I took Leon’s hand forcefully without looking into his face.
Otherwise, he’d end up saying something. And then I’d know what he thought of me. It was a frightening thought.
That he’d misunderstand me, was a terrifying thought.
It’s not that I hate you —
“Leon. Dance with me. Would you dance with me? …Please dance with me? Please, would you…”
While I was babbling on, I caught sight of his face. As I lost track of what I was saying, my words tapered off weakly. I was so embarra.s.sed that my face seemed to catch on fire.
But hearing me say those things to him, Leon’s face went from a look of genuine surprise to a sudden smile — for the second that I was left staring dumbly at his face, he smoothly pulled me close, then planted a light kiss on my forehead.
All in the s.p.a.ce of one moment.
“Wha–Wha–Wha — !?”
” — With pleasure.”
“~~~–!”
Happiness, anger — as my thoughts turned to pulp, Leon brushed it all aside as he accepted my request, his face all smiles.
Unfair, I thought. I tried to say something, but I just stood there with my mouth flapping open and closed. My voice wouldn’t come out at all.
“Shall we, Chris?”
And so, Leon taking me a bit forcefully by the hand, I returned to the hall.
I held my hand to my forehead. It was surprisingly hot.
Wasn’t that a crushingly one-sided defeat for me just now?
Disgruntled by being played so well, I was overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions seething within me. With Leon leading me more aggressively than usual, I left behind the balcony as it continued to bask under the radiance of the lights in the sky.
Footnotes
1. Some of you might’ve guessed, but Leon uses plain speech and ore with Chris for the first time in the story to make this declaration. Incidentally, he goes back to formal speech the next time he speaks. ↵
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i’m dead