In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted sitizen, I protest!
In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle saga.s.sity, I protest!
Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy; but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my letters from "Post Orifis, Confedrit Roads?" Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated case uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, the Ablishnists--them ez wuz apinted by Linkin--are still holdin on, ez calm ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any change affectin them.
Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays the Powder?
Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like the the war hoss in Job"s writins, who smelled the battle afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets? Let me enticet sich that they kin make a better investment uv their means.
The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.
Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and princ.i.p.ally becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smell carrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson"s speech, at Washington, on the 22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain"t it possible that the stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed c.u.m from Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?
"But," sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies, hez softened down from a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it wuznt offered him, "look at the cla.s.s he spoke to."
Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a ma.s.s uv bile on hiz politikle stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he shood hev a nasty audience to say em to.
I don"t propose to go orf into spasms over the present sitooashun.
Johnson proposes to continoo the Freedmens" Buro, and hezn"t no noshun of repeelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in a stait of abject cust.i.tood. Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us hevn"t bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin without em. I knocked down a small n.i.g.g.e.r yisterday, for the purpus uv a.s.sertin the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the Afrikin, and wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen"s Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous members are exclooded from Congris on the frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the Confederit servis; and all these outragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin, absolootly approves.
I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirty years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politikle fence. The seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But, before I take down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, by bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade of skoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down.
Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, for a consideration; ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who hev bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations. But I want suthin to go on. When I hev his permisson, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Department, to write "P.M." after my ill.u.s.trious name, I sh.e.l.l be prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportin him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional one, and then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of all religious systems. POST OFFIS is the central figger in all Democratic creeds--the theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv dreems by night. How long! oh, how long!
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XIV.
Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him.--Again warns the Democracy.
CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 12, 1866.
The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on the face uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin flashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder mutters angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with a valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin in the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards bustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, and her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez a driver on the Wabash Ka.n.a.l, it is possible my nautikle terms may not be altogether correct. But it makes no difference in the interior uv Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully.
Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time it seemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern, and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin, and at present writin there ain"t the remotest prospect uv their gettin within hailin distance uv each other.
To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel so disposed), the prospect isn"t ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in fact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy thought it had found through Androo Johnson"s veto, is reely the longest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocratic leaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus a.s.ses uv theirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What cood they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient to deter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv our principles? Didn"t we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and didn"t the war men jeer us, and flout us, and say, "Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why shood we leave home to find that uv wich we hev a plenty?" When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv temporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, like idiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoor considerashun--without waitin for the fax? Didn"t they know that Sumner wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President"s liver, and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed acc.u.mulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, and to-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the last vestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man agin us than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at his inoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently to ourselves, "It"s all right! he"s yet wun uv us." And we sed the same after the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz both fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a n.o.ble nacher a tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitely after commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans to offises, and hezn"t showed a sine uv a disposition to extend his hand to a single confidin Democrat, it"s my opinion he"s succeeded.
We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President and Sumner. Sumner is ordained to alluz hev a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to keep perpetually a poundin. He"s bin for several years amusin hisself a poundin the Dimocrisy, and when there wuzn"t enuff uv that to make it interestin, he turned on Johnson, and he"ll pound at him till suthin else excites his wrath. He"s a Spanish bull, possessin sharp horns, and a immense amount uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly waved afore him.
He"s jest ez apt to gore his frends ez his enemies, and his lungin at Johnson wuz no sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism.
But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed fact that the boorish tailor, who now by accident okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, made vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile a.s.sa.s.sin (whose only redeemin trait wuz that he wuz a stanch, uncompromisin Dimocrat),--now, I say, that it"s plain that this drunken sot ain"t agoin to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it so much, I ask, in indignashun, wat is it that we are asked to endorse?
He proposes to continue the Freedmen"s Buro bizness.
He refooses to withdraw the military from the Dimokratic States.
He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv the Dimocratic States the habis corp.u.s.s.es wich the tyrant Linkin wrested from them.
He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome dungeon, and only refooses to bring him to trial becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in the right shape to hang him.
I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he hez piled upon Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might, if I wuz disposed to harrow up the Dimocratic sole and la.s.serate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz treated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made a delegashun uv myself, and went to Washington for the purpose uv layin before him the necessity uv the removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his speech had reached all other parts uv the Yoonited States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for there wuz suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats there, all with pet.i.tions noomerously signed, wich they hed held over from Bookannon"s administration, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I mite say how emphatically I wuz shoved out uv his room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd him remark that Washington had stunk with secesh ever since he vetoed the bill; that that foolish speech had acted on the whole country like a puke, and that each State had spewed its foulest material onto Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz heavy with their breath, et settry, et settry, but I forbear.
Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members uv Congress had hard work borrowin money enuff to git the most spectable uv the crowd home agin, and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed there by that speech, shoor uv apintments, wuz obliged to _walk_ home ignominiously, uv whom I wuz which.
Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic support, but he hez a queer way uv showin it. I know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my household I"ll run after no strange G.o.ds. Ef he wants us, let him call on us in language wich we kin understand.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XV.
The Patriarchal System.--An Affecting Appeal in Behalf of a Friend.
CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 19, 1866.
Yesterday I happened to pick up a kopy uv a friteful depraved Ablishin paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin pa.s.sage, which I read:--
"I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing finely. We have no trouble with them. They have all gone to work manfully. They give an impetus to trade that we never before had. I have sold John Guttle"s negroes, this year and last, more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free negro system is working well with us."
Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable cheeks. I know John Guttle well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend,--one uv the few wich I kall friend in the most catholic and comprehensive sense uv the word. He holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hev sumwhere among my papers, wich I have alluz carefully preserved for reference, a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not to forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished the paper, and it made him easy in his mind--I put down the memorandum bekoz it looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent trait in my karacter. When givin my note for borrered money will do a man good, I never begrudge the trouble uv writin it.
But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv that item pa.s.ses belief. The writer puts it in print to show that the Ablishn uv slavry benefitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant, who undoubtedly wuz born in Ma.s.sachusetts, wuz benefitted by the change; so are the greesy mechanics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and so, probably, are the 250 n.i.g.g.e.rs; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the name uv Justice, in the name uv the Constertooshun uv the Yoonited States, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, HOW ABOUT JOHN GUTTLE?
John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his property. The bred is taken from John Guttle"s mouth; his staff is broken; his dependence is gone; he is bereft.
Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion, ez I knowed it in the happy year afore the crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old skool--one uv the few left us in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun uv unalloyed happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 n.i.g.g.e.rs. All shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin, and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz not long from Afrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood showed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated; and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently a Christian generation. They wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz one uv the name who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts bearin on slavery. The pa.s.sages in which Onesimus and Hager figger wuz favorites with em; but on "cussid be Canaan" they wuz strong. For generations they had mourned over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father; and with a missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled by none, they did their part towards redoosin that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible half-brothers to the more favored race uv j.a.phet, and thus bringing uv em out uv the cuss; and they had mellered the color uv their charges down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old patriarkle system, time pa.s.sed orf smoothly and pleasantly with the Guttle family.
Them 250 n.i.g.g.e.rs wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor wuz money. John bought each uv the male sons uv Ham too soots uv close per annum, and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz considered healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing agin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and wuz educated at the North; the boys wuz celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin money at faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their house wuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no objick to them; for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro, or hoss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz command the highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, ef they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why, a few field hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be persuaded by the overseer to do the work uv the whole. John Guttle"s sons wuz all in the Confederit army. His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur the cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the n.i.g.g.e.rs theirselves doorin their absence.
Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful home. The n.i.g.g.e.r quarters is there, but the n.i.g.g.e.rs is not. The broad plantashun is divided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned by Ablishnists from the North, who work theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it, and the n.i.g.g.e.rs a skool house on the tother. The race track is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks is taken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded afore the ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle--that generous old man--subsists by the labor uv his own hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable existence running a dray in Mobeel; another, who is gifted with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable livin playin seven-up; in a small way, with his former n.i.g.g.e.rs; and the two girls is runnin a sewing masheen.
Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and two hundred and fifty n.i.g.g.e.rs to the gellorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What is the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics, and the n.i.g.g.e.rs aforesaid, when compared to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist beside em? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three cents uv one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins, they place a higher valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ez profoosely ez the n.o.bble race which preceded em.
Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv John Guttle"s n.i.g.g.e.rs. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle cord which united the Southern slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, why hez John Guttle any more interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese wall between them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and we made the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the work; and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas! our okepashin"s gone. The South is forever lost to us; for she has no dirty work for us to do.
I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In behalf uv John Guttle, I say, give him back his n.i.g.g.e.rs. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who are out uv employment, give him back his n.i.g.g.e.rs. In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray, give him back his n.i.g.g.e.rs. In behalf uv his daughters runnin a sewin machine, give him back his n.i.g.g.e.rs. Make things Normal agin. Like John the Baptist, the Government shall hear the voice uv one howlin in the wilderness until all these is done.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XVI.