_Resolved_, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence.
_Resolved_, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the federal government.
_Resolved_, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and n.i.g.g.e.rs, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule America.
_Resolved_, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin anybody.
The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers for Johnson and his policy.
Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away happy.
The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.
[Ill.u.s.tration: NASBY"S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS.]
"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It is troo! it is troo!
I heerd a child, across the way, singin,--
"I"d like to be a angel, And with the angels stand."
I woodn"t, thought I. I woodn"t trade places with an angel, even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone"s throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel 4sooth!
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster.)
XXIX.
The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia.--A Description of that Memorable Occasion by One who had been Provided for.
POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 14, 1866.
Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv a eventful life; but I never knowd what perf.e.c.k satisfaction wuz till now.
The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it wuz hevenly; for, independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, I beleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her father wuz, wich, on the old man"s decease, wood be hern, and the prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm big enough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted. Sweet ez wuz this week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jest pa.s.sed through.
I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn"t elected nor nothin, and hedn"t any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I pa.s.sed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a bra.s.s star onto it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn"t do enuff for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed "this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor," and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no amoozment.
The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist.
I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perf.e.c.k quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THE DELEGATES FROM SOUTH KARLINY, AND THE DELEGATES FROM Ma.s.sACHOOSITS, WOOD ENTER ARM IN ARM! With a slow and measured step they c.u.m in; and, at a signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst--and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes; and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes.
To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of hisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez though he felt flattered by Orr"s condecension in walkin at all with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men--one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself--walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the tail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird,--I saw these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin n.i.g.g.e.r in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, "Take em both together; they go in lots." I saw the old Union--the bold, shivelrous Southner a guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and a.s.soomin to hisself the places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the Southerner ashamed uv his a.s.sociations, but forced to yoose em; the Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest.
"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.
"I"m a Postmaster," sez I, "and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?"
"No," sez he; "but I hope to be;" and he swabbed away with renood vigger.
"Wat"s the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?" sez I.
"They"ve all got Post Offisis in em," sez he; and he worked away faster than ever.
While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, d.i.c.k Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in PHILADELPHIA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck!
Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star Spangled Banner alternitly, so that n.o.body cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor.
Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat, with the bra.s.s star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, "Wat a techin scene! overpowered by his feelins." "Yes," sed another: "he deserves a apintment."
I didn"t go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan"t no yoose; and besides, after all the teers that had been shed,--the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor,--it wuz sloppy under foot.
Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all right; it couldn"t be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern delegashun--wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists--couldn"t do nothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn"t do nothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on the Democracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and preventin em from wollopin their n.i.g.g.e.rs; the Democracy South cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris,--all cood depend on all, each cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others to turn the grind-stone.
The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so well pleased. "What in thunder," sed one uv em, "did they mean by pilin on the agony over the the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt?"
""Sh!" sed I; "easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn"t mean it; or, ef they did, _we_ didn"t. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all the times he swore to support the Const.i.tution, to sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to break it any more than it did in "61? Nay, verily.
Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden"t kick him out uv our service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it"s a habit he got into doorin the war; but he"ll git over it. Raymond will be on our side this year, certain, for last year he was agin us; and by the time he is ready to turn agin, he"ll be worn to so small a pint that he won"t be worth hevin; and the Democrisy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.
"My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz sense killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the bottom uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth. The dinner horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away; and they histed. But ez they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin earth onto him.
"Shtop!" sed he; but they didn"t. "Shtop!" sed he, "or, be gorra! I"ll cut the rope." My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Their little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they"re droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary!
Let em hist; and when we"re safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and chuck em into the hole."
All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried home with em their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, with the show we"ve got, we can"t reelect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster.)
x.x.x.
The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas.--An Account of the Ride of the Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring and came Home with nothing but the Necks of His Bottles: by His Chaplain.--From Washington to Detroit.
AT THE BIDDLE HOUSE (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), September the 4th, 1866.
Step by step I am a.s.sendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbin to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton by that eminently grate and good man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose uv arousin the ma.s.ses uv the West to a sence uv the danger wich wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uv the Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed everything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for the excursion. The President insisted upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him.
"I am determined," sez he, "to carry out my policy, but I hev some bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got.
No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he shel."
"Very good," said Seward; "but at least find some clergyman who endorses us without hevin P.M. to his honored name. It wood look better."
"I know it wood," replied Johnson; "but where kin we find sich a one? I hev swung around the entire circle, and heven"t ez yet seen him. Nasby it must be."
There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders on the proposed route, and appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop. The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, "Them ez won"t support my polisy shan"t eat my bread and b.u.t.ter." Randall and Doolittle chimed in, for it"s got to be a part of their religion to a.s.sent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.
"Most High," sez I, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut its head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln"s office-holders are settin hens. They don"t like yoo nor yoor policy, but while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein enshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin. Calkerlatin moderately, there are at least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don"t know wich is to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each, individyooally and collectively. In short, ef there"s 4 offises in a town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored 4 supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em."