"And them ez is quite white--not quite, but nearly so--about the color uv a new saddle, like Jane, there," sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv 18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin uv the infernal proclamashen, "like Jane, there, wich is waitin on the Deekin, and--but, good Lord!" sed he, startin up like a tragedian.
"Wat!" shouted the company, all startin up.
"Nothin," sed he: "only, now that Jane"s face is in range with the Deekin"s, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the Pogram nose and ginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P."s angularity, but the Deekin all over. My deer sir," sed he, addressin the Deekin, "ef she wuzn"t a quadroon, I shood say she looks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by a first wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P."s angularity and gineral boneinis; but uv course, she bein a part n.i.g.g.e.r, the resemblance may be sat down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!"
The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram turned ez red ez a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor I had heerd about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misunderstandin about a n.i.g.g.e.r woman and her baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein made bald-headed in less than a minute, and the baby"s mother being sold South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed,--
"I wuz about askin wat them n.i.g.g.e.rs is ez is nearly white?"
"Why, they"r octoroons, or seven-eighths white," sed Mrs. Pogram.
"And no Kentuckian ever marries a n.i.g.g.e.r?" inquired the store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether too fur.
"Never!" sed Mrs. Pogram; "we leave that to Ablishnists."
"Well, then," sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn"t half so innsent ez he let on, "I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin with the n.i.g.g.e.r, providin yoo don"t do it legally; that amalgamashen don"t hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery. Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?"
Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood the subjick.
"Jane there, is, I take it, about one-eighth n.i.g.g.e.r. She got her white blood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent be no marryin in the biznis, there is proof positive in her face that the 8th commandment hez bin violated about four times somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever her maternal ancestors, on her mother"s side, may hev resided. What do yoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to the sin uv amalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half."
The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a pint altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up.
"My dear sir," I remarked, "yoo don"t make the proper distinction, or, rather, yoo don"t appreciate the subjick at all. The n.i.g.g.e.r here sustains only one character with us,--that uv a inferior bein, the slave uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the n.o.blest specimens; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the North, and am a hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a n.i.g.g.e.r wood be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. The intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see indications, bein outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez yoo wood suppose, the result uv unbrideled licentiousnis, but is merely the a.s.sertion uv our superiority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids a daughter uv Ham (wich, in the orginal Hebrew, signifies the hind-quarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her head, wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when he surrenders all his individyooel rites. The female slave cannot be considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her owner everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the intercourse common among us is not a sin, it bein merely the a.s.sertion uv that superiority wich we claim is founded on the Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham."
"Yes," sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track; "it"s a a.s.sertion uv our sooperiority; it"s a dooty every white man owes to his cla.s.s, and I, for one, will alluz--"
"Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram," shouted Mrs. P., "and I"ll give you sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never--drat yoor sooperiority, and yoor Ham, and yoor Caucashen. n.i.g.g.e.rs is n.i.g.g.e.rs, and--"
Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn"t quite arrived at the proper pitch uv self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjick upon wich they cood all agree.
I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his mother an Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home at the tender age of 8, after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Jew and tother a Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they were found mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired wealth a sellin lottry tickets and bra.s.s clocks, et settry. His servants wuz redoost Southern gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, and wich, under the laws uv Ma.s.sychoosits, coodent git away, and that his intimate friends and a.s.sociates wuz n.i.g.g.e.rs, with wich he sot long at the festive board, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Anna d.i.c.kinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half-brother, and that he kissed, habitually, every n.i.g.g.e.r child he met, and frowned so severially onto white children ez to throw em into spasms, and other items uv information uv wich, livin in the North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, he isn"t popular down here, and, cood hardly be elected to Congris from this Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin at me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think how he hed opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XVIII.
A Cry of Exultation.--A Gleam of Light.
CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 2, 1866.
Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johnson all my fancy painted him, or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter uv the Democratic Saints? That"s wat I and some thousands uv waitin souls wood go suthin handsome to know.
I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo.
Pro-slavery Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means, to-wit, buryin the victim thereof.
Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one; but I think he"s changed his Israelites. I onst saw a woman skinnin live eels, and I reproached her, saying,--
"Woman, why skinnest thou eels alive? Doth it not pain em?"
"Nary!" retorted she. "I"ve skinned em this way for going on to 20 years, and they"re used to it."
Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that they"re used to it, and Androo feelin a call to continue in the Moses biznes, hez, I hope, turned his attention to the Dimocrisy. It"s us he"s a-goin to lead up out uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we"ve bin in for neerly five years; it"s US that"s a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up into the Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv public patronage.
We shel hev sum fites: there"s Amakelitish post masters and Phillistine collectors to displace, but with a second Jaxon at our hed what can we fear?
I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though my venerable locks, wich hangs scantily about my temples, hed grown black agin, and that my youth was returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv sooiside, them idea is dismist. I"m young agin. Wat hez worked this change? you ask. It"s the proclamation declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from the Dimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and the doin away uv that terrible marshal law. That"s wat"s done it for me. Now I feel like sayin, with one uv old, "Mine eyes hev seed thy glory; let thy servant depart in peace."
We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for this. We wantid it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the water course, and considerably more, onless the hart wuz thirsty in the extreme. For now we are in the Yoonyun agin; we are under the shadder uv that glorious old flag wich protects all men ceptin n.i.g.g.e.rs and ablishnists. The n.i.g.g.e.r is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the laws wich control labor and capital. Certenly he is--uv coa.r.s.e. I saw two uv my neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wuz doin it with a paddle, wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn"t seem to enjoy it ez much ez they did. By that proclamation our states are agin under their own control.
Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel war through wich they hev past. There aint no solgers now to interfere, for the policy uv keepin soldiers in and among free people is abhorrent to freedom and humanity. Go to work at wunst, and build up the broken walls uv your Zion.
We must hev Peace and unanimity; and Peace cannot dwell among us onless there"s a oneness uv purpose and sentiment. To prokoor this is yoor fust dooty. If there be among you them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor late struggle for Rites, hist em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be tolerated. Ablishunism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yoo are rid uv it the better. It is safe to a.s.sume that every man who opposed the lately deceased confederacy is a Ablishnist.
The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the n.i.g.g.e.r school houses and churches wich hev bin built here and there, and kindly take the n.i.g.g.e.r by the ear, and lead him back to his old quarters, wich is his normal position. The Yankee school teachers sent here by Freedmen"s Aid Societies shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfaction and spellin books among the n.i.g.g.e.rs, but I wood advise mercy and consiliation. Tar and featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez well, and will go to show the world that our justice is tempered with charity; that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor Legislatures shood be instantly called together, and proper laws for the government uv the Freedmen should be pa.s.sed. Slavery is abolisht, and the people must live up to the requirements of the act in good faith. I protest agin any violation uv good faith, but labor must be done, for the skripter commands it, and our frail nature demands wat cant be got without it. We don"t like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not at all. The n.i.g.g.e.r must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery is abolished, but ez a free man. Ethiopean citizens uv Amerikin descent (wich is mulatters), and full-blooded blacks, and all hevin in the veins a taint uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained gently, and for their own good, I suggest laws ez follows:--
1. They must never leave the plantation onto wich they are, when this act goes into effect, without a pa.s.s from the employer, under penalty uv bein shot.
2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein everybody uv their own color, ef they kin give white bail for costs.
3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same ez white folks.
4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases in wich they are not interested, but their testimony is to go for nothin ef it is opposed by the testimony uv a white man or another n.i.g.g.e.r.
5. No n.i.g.g.e.r shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside uv any incorporated city, town, or village.
6. No n.i.g.g.e.r shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate within any incorporated city, town, or village, except as hereinafter provided for, to wit:--
He shel give notice uv his desires by publication for six consecutive weeks in some noosepaper uv general circulation in sed village, for wich publication he shel pay invariably in advance. He shel then give bonds, in sich sums ez the mayor shel decide, that neither he, nor any uv his ancestors, or descendants, or relations, will ever become public charges, and will always behave themselves with doo humility, the bondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then the mayor shel cause a election to be proclaimed, and if the free white citizens shel vote "yea" unanimously, he shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate. If there is a dissenting vote, then he shel be put onto the chain gang for six months for his impudence in makin sich a request.
7. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel mutually agree; but that the negroes may not become luxurious and effeminate, wich two things is vices wich goes to sap the simplicity and strength uv a people, the sum shel never exceed $5 per month, but not less than enuff in all cases to buy him one soot uv close per annum, wich the employer shel purchase hisself.
8. The master sh.e.l.l hev the privilege uv addin to this code sich other rules and regulations for their proper government ez may strike him ez being good for em from time to time.
These provisions sekure the n.i.g.g.e.r in all the rites wich kin reasonably be asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery, and thrown upon the world, ignorant of the dooties of his new position and status. He is simple, and needs the guidin hand uv the stronger race.
My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized into a tabloo, with the const.i.tooshun in one hand (wich beloved instrument kivers a great deal of ground), a scar-bangled spanner in the other, and a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript orf uv a returned n.i.g.g.e.r solger wich wuz sick, I exultinly exclaim, "The Union ez it is is ez good ez the Union ez it wuz. "Ror!"
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XIX.