"Broad is the road wich leeds to death,"--
and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed subsided, and I got my feelings calmed down so ez to permit me to speek, I commenst explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I sed, a chastenin sent onto us for our sins; a stripin becoz we hed exalted our horn in our pride; that, gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, the collectorships, the a.s.sessorships, and sich, we hed become vain-glorious and puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties.
Ther wuz n.i.g.g.e.rs in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be servants uv their brethren; and heer I digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seen stricters in a Boston paper onto the common practice uv amalgamashen in the South, wich paper held up the practis to the condemnashen uv pious men. "My brethren," sed I, "them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleer understandin uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz that cuss? "_He shel be a servant unto his brethren._" Not unto strangers; not unto the Philistine, or the Girges.h.i.te, or the Millerite, but unto his brethren! How cood he be servant unto his brethren except thro amalgamashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how wood the male n.i.g.g.e.rs be our brethren? O, my brethren! we wuz obliged to do these things, that the Skripters mite be fulfilled; and to the credit uv the Southern people, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the performance uv dooty.
The per cent. uv yeller n.i.g.g.e.rs in this State attests how faithful Kentucky hez bin."
But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come in, and unfit um for their normal and skriptural condishen; but these is not all. My brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt"s, and get the township Bible, and search till yoo find this yer tex:--
"And no man putt.i.th new wine into old bottles, else the new wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled."
My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv course; and the most uv em may be considered old ones. We hev actid as bottles, carrying about flooids--not percisely wine, but the modern subst.i.toot therefor--from our earliest infancy. Wich is new wine? The Ablishnists wich follered Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy; so wuz they. New wine fizzes; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit; so hed they. New wine is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy the puttin uv this new wine into old bottles wuz accomplished; at that accursed place anshent Dimocrisy, wich beleeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto the nex uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishinism, and we mingled our teers together; the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottle uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with Federal patronage, it busted, and great wuz the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottles wuz p.r.o.ne onto the earth, and the new wine is runnin round permiscus. So wuz the Skripter fulfilled.
And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire"s huntin up that tex, keep on till yoo find another, to wit:--
"No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, else the new piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the old, and the rent is made worse."
My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv gray, wich it hed bin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greevious rents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. O, why wuzn"t we content to wear it? Why wuz we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters fulfilled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue; we put onto the back, Seward; onto the knees, Randall; onto the shoulders, Cowan; and onto the seat, Johnson, and they wuz st.i.tched together with Post Offisis. But it didn"t hold. The Skripters wuz fulfilled; the old cloth wuz rotten, and one by one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied, and takin with em a part uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before.
Our coat is busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms, out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth drearily in the cold wind.
My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity. Wat wuz the yoose uv our a.s.soomin what we did not hev? Wat wuz the sence uv our askin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris wich hed, doorin the war, drafted their sons? Wat wuz the yoose uv talking Constooshnel Amendments to men who spozed that Internal Improvements and a Nashnel Bank wuz still the ishoo? Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt on n.i.g.g.e.r equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and ace uv the Democrisy,--its tower uv strength, its anker and cheefest trust, and wich is easy uv comprehension, and eminently adapted to the Democratic intelleck,--and takin up questions wich will all be settled ten years afore they begin to comprehend em? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my brethren, in puttin new wine into old bottles?--uv patchin old cloth with new? Let us be warned; and never repeet the fatle error.
The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but ez they gathered at Bascom"s to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at observin a visible improvement in their temper. Bascom hisself bussled around lively; Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz unskriptooral to put new wine into old tubs, but ez he didn"t hev an ijee; that the prohibishen extendid to new whisky, he"d resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizened hisself very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and Kernel McPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the n.i.g.g.e.r I menshend in the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The Corners is rapidly gettin itself agin.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster).
XLI.
A Few Last Words.--The Writer hereof bids his Readers Farewell, and hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after them.
CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 19, 1866.
Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate, that "farewell" is the saddistist word to p.r.o.nounce wich hez to be p.r.o.nounst.
It may be so among poets, wich are spozd to be a continyooally carryin about with em a load uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev never found it so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it, under wat circ.u.mstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuz inka.r.s.eratid in the common jail uv my native village, in Noo Gersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who believed, on the unsupportid testimony uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin property bein found in my possession (notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly a.s.shoored em that I didn"t know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv bustin open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, I a.s.shoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence,--hevin bin fed on bread and water,--the sayin of farewell to the inhuman jailer wuzn"t at all onpleasant. Likewise, when, in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent and gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary, after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole question at issue between the parties, and ashoored him that my triflin irregularity in the matter uv votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen uv my beloved country,--that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not be easy onless I did all in my power to ayert the evil,--when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledge uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say "Farewell" to the grim jailer, whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way captivity? Nary.
These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course uv my long and checkered career (I do not here allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I am, when I think uv it, surprised at the comparatively few times wich I ever left a place at wich I hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the nite,--
"Foldin my tent like the Arab, And ez silently steelin away,"
hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the agony uv landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not pay. Knowin the softnis uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins.
Still, I feel some disinclinashen to commence sayin Farewell at this time. I wood like to continyoo this work. Methinks I wood like to go on pilin up pages ontil the Dimocrisy uv the Yoonited States wuz thoroughly indoctrinatid with _my_ Dimocrisy. But it is impossible.
I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely ekalled, and never surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my recollekshun wuz the party in sich a state uv abject cussitood. The Northern States hev slipt from our grasp one by one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the black banner uv Ablishinism; and the ten States which we kin control onfortinitly ain"t got no voice in the Guvment. From the mountin tops uv Maine, and the level pararies uv Illinoy, the remnants uv the Dimocrisy holler to us uv the South, "Be firm! we"ll stand by yoo!" and from the rich cotton fields uv the South the Dimocrisy holler to them uv the North, "Keep up yoor sperits! we are troo to yoo!" all uv wich is very cheerin, when them uv the North is in sich a hopelis minority ez to be unable to elect a township constable, and them in the South hain"t got no vote at all!
I appeal, however, with the rest uv the leaders, to the Dimocrisy to remain firm. Suthin will come in time,--what, I can"t, with any degree uv certinty, now state; but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot alluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective individooal members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack uv doin their own thinkin, and therefore it cood not be brot into that state uv dissipline so nessary to success ez a party. That same cuss is a hangin onto the Ablishnists. They hung together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz wat they called a prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple they elected Linkin. They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern brethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment it hed so long desired; and the overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all miner ishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung together long enough to see that throo. Now, still for the principle wich welded em doorin the war, they are holdin together yit, and probably will ontil they think this question wich they are disposin of is disposed of. Then they will split up, and our openin is made. We hev a solid phalanx, wich they can"t win over or detach from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for Jaxon, and who are still votin for him. We hev them st.u.r.dy old yeomanry who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put down, and can"t be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment, and who, bless their old souls!
don"t know no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does uv Guy Fawkes. We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn hidjusly, and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go barefoot in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the patriotic citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and who live in mortal fear uv n.i.g.g.e.r ekality; and we hev John Morrissey"s const.i.tooents.
These cla.s.ses argyment won"t move, and reasonin won"t faze. They like to abooze the Goverment for levyin taxes, hopin to deseeve somebody into the idea that they pay taxes, and that it bears hard onto em; and they oppose n.i.g.g.e.r ekality becoz it soothes em, like laudnum, to think that there is somebody in the country lower down than themselves. The Dimocrisy alluz hed these, and alluz will.
Ez I remarked, the Ablishnists, when releeved uv the pressure now bearin onto em, will grow fractious, and split, and these cla.s.ses will hev no trouble to git into a majority, and then our time comes.
The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and noosepapers, and Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their party. In time they will, but not yet. There is still whisky in the land, and the n.i.g.g.e.r is not yet extinct. Uv wat danger is preechers to these men, when yoo coodent git one uv em within gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em, when they can"t read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resources yet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the n.i.g.g.e.r left us. When he is no longer uv use to us ez he is now,--when the prejoodis is so far removed ez to invest him with the suffrage,--then WE"LL give him the ballot,--WE"LL lead him up out uv Egypt, and we"ll make him vote with us. The Dimocrisy never yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv sosiety. They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delaware and Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy; and ef the n.i.g.g.e.r gets the ballot afore he does the spellin-book, he"s ourn beyond peradvencher.
Again: Ef our politikel stumiks isn"t yet toned up to swallerin the n.i.g.g.e.r, we kin compermise on the Mexican. That country Johnson hez his eagle eye on now, and ef we demand it, he"ll take it. Wat a glorious prospeck opens to us! Mexico wood cut up into at least twenty States, wich, added to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood hold for years. Ma.s.sachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers ain"t adapted to Ma.s.sachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teachers there with their spellin books, they"d end their labors by lettin a knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore, wich wood put a check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several degrees lower in the skale uv humanity than the n.i.g.g.e.rs, but then they ain"t n.i.g.g.e.rs, and we cood marry em without feelin that we"d degraded ourselves. Ther is undoubtedly cusses on em, but the only cuss we hev Constooshnel objections to is the cuss uv Ham, and that they ain"t labrin under. Mexico affords us room for hope; we never shel run out uv material for Dimocratic votes until she is convertid, and but few mishnaries wood hev the nerve to tackle her.
Therfore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther"s a brite day a dawnin. We hev now the Post Offisis, and nothin short uv an impeachment kin take em from us for two years. We may be beaten in 1868; it may be that our managin men promised the nominashen to our present Head--A.
JOHNSON; but I hope not. Ef we are laid out agin, we kin console ourselves with the reflection that we"re yoost to it, and we kin go on hopin for the good time that must come.
Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally to be glorified. Let us remember that all the majorities agin us don"t change the fact that Noah cust Ham, and that Hagar wuz sent back to her mistress. Let us remember that Paul, or some one uv them possels, remarked, "Servance, obey yoor masters," and that, under Ablishn rool, we are exposed to the danger uv marryin n.i.g.g.e.rs. Let us still cherish the faith that evenchooally, when reason returns, the Amerikin people will not throw away the boon we offer em uv fillin the cuss uv labor imposed by the Almity for disobedience in the garden, ez the Dimocrisy served in the army, by subst.i.toot, and persevere even unto the perf.e.c.k end. When this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and a ornament for thirty years, triumph, and the position wich I now hold, wich is rather too temporary to be agreeable, be continyood unto me for keeps, and layin off the armor uv actooal warfare, I shel rest in that haven uv worn-out patriots,--a perpetooal Post Offis. May the day be hastened! Farewell!
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster).
THE END.