""I don"t seem to feel it," he said.
"" No, because now you are behind the scenes. But when you were in front, you felt it, you can"t deny. And you would feel it again, any time I chose to use it. But I want to know if there is not some honest way a woman can interest a man. The question really comes to this--Can a man love a woman for what she really is?"
""I should say," he said, "that it depends upon the woman."
"I admitted this was a plausible answer. "But you loved me, when I made myself a mystery to you. But now that I am honest with you, you have made it clear that you don"t like it, that you won"t have it. And that is the problem that women have to face. It is a fact that the women of our family have always ruled the men; but they"ve done it by indirection--n.o.body ever thought seriously of "women"s rights" in Castleman County. But you see, women _have_ rights; and somehow or other they will fool the men, or else the men must give up the idea that they are the superior s.e.x, and have the right, or the ability, to rule women."
"Then I saw how little he had followed me. "There has to be a head to the family," he said.
"I answered, "There have been cases in history of a king and queen ruling together, and getting along very well. Why not the same thing in a family?"
""That"s all right, so far as the things of the family are concerned.
But such affairs as business and politics are in the sphere of men; and women cannot meddle in them without losing their best qualities as women."
"And so there we were. I won"t repeat his arguments, for doubtless you have read enough anti-suffrage literature. The thing I noticed was that if I was very tactful and patient, I could apparently carry him along with me; but when the matter came up again, I would discover that he was back where he had been before. A woman must accept the guidance of a man; she must take the man"s word for the things that he understands.
"But suppose the man is _wrong?_" I said; and there we stopped--there we shall stop always, I begin to fear. I agree with him that woman should obey man--so long as man is right!"
4. Her letters did not all deal with this problem. In spite of the sewing, she found time to read a number of books, and we argued about these. Then, too, she had been probing her young doctor, and had made interesting discoveries about him. For one thing, he was full of awe and admiration for her; and her awakening mind found material for speculation in this.
"Here is this young man; he thinks he is a scientist, he rather prides himself upon being cold-blooded; yet a cunning woman could twist him round her finger. He had an unhappy love-affair when he was young, so he confided to me; and now, in his need and loneliness, a beautiful woman is transformed into something supernatural in his imagination--she is like a shimmering soap-bubble, that he blows with his own breath. I know that I could never get him to see the real truth about me; I might tell him that I have let myself be tied up in a golden net--but he would only marvel at my spirituality. Oh, the women I have seen trading upon the credulity of men! And when I think how I did this myself! If men were wise, they would give us the vote, and a share in the world"s work--anything that would bring us out into the light of day, and break the spell of mystery that hangs round us!
"By the way," she wrote in another letter, "there will be trouble if you come down here. I was telling Dr. Perrin about you, and your ideas about fasting, and mental healing, and the rest of your fads. He got very much excited. It seems that he takes his diploma seriously, and he"s not willing to be taught by amateur experiments. He wanted me to take some pills, and I refused, and I think now he blames you for it. He has found a bond of sympathy with my husband, who proves his respect for authority by taking whatever he is told to take. Dr. Perrin got his medical training here in the South, and I imagine he"s ten or twenty years behind the rest of the medical world. Douglas picked him out because he"d met him socially. It makes no difference to me--because I don"t mean to have any doctoring done to me!"
Then, on top of these things, would come a cry from her soul. "Mary, what will you do if some day you get a letter from me confessing that I am not happy? I dare not say a word to my own people. I am supposed to be at the apex of human triumph, and I have to play that role to keep from hurting them. I know that if my dear old father got an inkling of the truth, it would kill him. My one real solid consolation is that I have helped him, that I have lifted a money-burden from his life; I have done that, I tell myself, over and over; but then I wonder, have I done anything but put the reckoning off? I have given all his other children a new excuse for extravagance, an impulse towards worldliness which they did not need.
"There is my sister Celeste, for example. I don"t think I have told you about her. She made her _debut_ last fall, and was coming up to New York to stay with me this winter. She had it all arranged in her mind to make a rich marriage; I was to give her the _entree_--and now I have been selfish, and thought of my own desires, and gone away. Can I say to her, Be warned by me, I have made a great match, and it has not brought me happiness? She would not understand, she would say I was foolish. She would say, "If I had your luck, _I_ would be happy." And the worst of it is, it would be true.
"You see the position I am in with the rest of the children. I cannot say, "You are spending too much of papa"s money, it is wrong for you to sign cheques and trust to his carelessness." I have had my share of the money, I have lined my own nest. All I can do is to buy dresses and hats for Celeste; and know that she will use these to fill her girl-friends with envy, and make scores of other families live beyond their means."
5. Sylvia"s pregnancy was moving to its appointed end. She wrote me beautifully about it, much more frankly and simply than she could have brought herself to talk. She recalled to me my own raptures, and also, my own heartbreak. "Mary! Mary! I felt the child to-day! Such a sensation, I could not have credited it if anyone had told me. I almost fainted. There is something in me that wants to turn back, that is afraid to go on with such experiences. I do not wish to be seized in spite of myself, and made to feel things beyond my control. I wander off down the beach, and hide myself, and cry and cry. I think I could almost pray again."
And then again, "I am in ecstasy, because I am to bear a child, a child of my own! Oh, wonderful, wonderful! But suddenly my ecstasy is shot through with terror, because the father of this child is a man I do not love. There is no use trying to deceive myself--nor you! I must have one human soul with whom I can talk about it as it really is. I do not love him, I never did love him, I never shall love him!
"Oh, how could they have all been so mistaken? Here is Aunt Varina--one of those who helped to persuade me into this marriage. She told me that love would come; it seemed to be her idea--my mother had it too--that you had only to submit yourself to a man, to follow and obey him, and love would take possession of your heart. I tried credulously, and it did not happen as they promised. And now, I am to bear him a child; and that will bind us together for ever!
"Oh, the despair of it--I do not love the father of my child! I say, The child will be partly his, perhaps more his than mine. It will be like him--it will have this quality and that, the very qualities, perhaps, that are a source of distress to me in the father. So I shall have these things before me day and night, all the rest of my life; I shall have to see them growing and hardening; it will be a perpetual crucifixion of my mother-love. I seek to comfort myself by saying, The child can be trained differently, so that he will not have these qualities. But then I think, No, you cannot train him as you wish. Your husband will have rights to the child, rights superior to your own. Then I foresee the most dreadful strife between us.
"A shrewd girl-friend once told me that I ought to be better or worse; I ought not to see people"s faults as I do, or else I ought to love people less. And I can see that I ought to have been too good to make this marriage, or else not too good to make the best of it. I know that I might be happy as Mrs. Douglas van Tuiver, if I could think of the worldly advantages, and the fact that my child will inherit them. But instead, I see them as a trap, in which not only ourselves but the child is caught, and from which I cannot save us. Oh, what a mistake a woman makes when she marries a man with the idea that she is going to change him! He will not change, he will not have the need of change suggested to him. He wants _peace_ in his home--which means that he wants to be what he is.
"Sometimes I can study the situation quite coolly, and as if it didn"t concern me at all. He has required me to subject my mind to his. But he will not be content with a general capitulation; he must have a surrender from each individual soldier, from every rebel hidden in the hills. He tracks them out (my poor, straggling, feeble ideas) and either they take the oath of allegiance, or they are buried where they lie. The process is like the spoiling of a child, I find; the more you give him, the more he wants. And if any little thing is refused, then you see him set out upon a regular campaign to break you down and get it."
A month or more later she wrote: "Poor Douglas is getting restless. He has caught every kind of fish there is to catch, and hunted every kind of animal and bird, in and out of season. Harley has gone home, and so have our other guests; it would be embarra.s.sing to me to have company now. So Douglas has no one but the doctor and myself and my poor aunt.
He has spoken several times of our going away; but I do not want to go, and I think I ought to consider my own health at this critical time. It is hot here, but I simply thrive in it--I never felt in better health.
So I asked him to go up to New York, or visit somewhere for a while, and let me stay here until my baby is born. Does that seem so very unreasonable? It does not to me, but poor Aunt Varina is in agony about it--I am letting my husband drift away from me!
"I speculate about my lot as a woman; I see the bitterness and the sorrow of my s.e.x through the ages. I have become physically misshapen, so that I am no longer attractive to him. I am no longer active and free, I can no longer go about with him; on the contrary, I am a burden, and he is a man who never tolerated a burden before. What this means is that I have lost the magic hold of s.e.x.
"As a woman it was my business to exert all my energies to maintain it.
And I know how I could restore it now; there is young Dr. Perrin! _He_ does not find me a burden, _he_ would tolerate any deficiencies! And I can see my husband on the alert in an instant, if I become too much absorbed in discussing your health-theories with my handsome young guardian!
"This is one of the recognized methods of keeping your husband; I learned from Lady Dee all there is to know about it. But I would find the method impossible now, even if my happiness were dependent upon retaining my husband"s love. I should think of the rights of my friend, the little doctor. That is one point to note for the "new" woman, is it not? You may mention it in your next suffrage-speech!
"There are other methods, of course. I have a mind, and I might turn its powers to entertaining him, instead of trying to solve the problems of the universe. But to do this, I should have to believe that it was the one thing in the world for me to do; and I have permitted a doubt of that to gain entrance to my brain! My poor aunt"s exhortations inspire me to efforts to regain the faith of my mothers, but I simply cannot--I cannot! She sits by me with the terror of all the women of all the ages in her eyes. I am losing a man!
"I don"t know if you have ever set out to hold a man--deliberately, I mean. Probably you haven"t. That bitter maxim of Lady Dee"s is the literal truth of it--"When in doubt, talk about HIM!" If you will tactfully and shrewdly keep a man talking about himself, his tastes, his ideas, his work and the importance of it, there is never the least possibility of your boring him. You must not just tamely agree with him, of course; if you hint a difference now and then, and make him convince you, he will find that stimulating; or if you can manage not to be quite convinced, but sweetly open to conviction, he will surely call again.
"Keep him busy every minute," Lady Dee used to say. "Run away with him now and then--like a spirited horse!" And she would add, "But don"t let him drop the reins!"
"You can have no idea how many women there are in the world deliberately playing such parts. Some of them admit it; others just do the thing that is easiest, and would die of horror if they were told what it is. It is the whole of the life of a successful society woman, young or old.
Pleasing a man! Waiting upon his moods, piquing him, flattering him, feeding his vanity--"charming" him! That is what Aunt Varina wants me to do now; if I am not too crude in my description of the process, she has no hesitation in admitting the truth. It is what she tried to do, it is what almost every woman has done who has held a family together and made a home. I was reading _Jane Eyre_ the other day. _There_ is your woman"s ideal of an imperious and impetuous lover! Listen to him, when his mood is on him!--
"I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative to-night; and that is why I sent for you; the fire and the chandelier were not sufficient company for me; nor would Pilot have been, for none of these can talk.
To-night I am resolved to be at ease; to dismiss what importunes, and recall what pleases. It would please me now to draw you out--to learn more of you--therefore speak!"
6. It was now May, and Sylvia"s time was little more than a month off.
She had been urging me to come and visit her, but I had refused, knowing that my presence must necessarily be disturbing to both her husband and her aunt. But now she wrote that her husband was going back to New York. "He was staying out of a sense of duty to me," she said. "But his discontent was so apparent that I had to point out to him that he was doing harm to me as well as to himself.
"I doubt if you will want to come here now. The last of the winter visitors have left. It is really hot, so hot that you cannot get cool by going into the water. Yet I am revelling in it; I wear almost nothing, and that white; and even the suspicious Dr. Perrin cannot but admit that I am thriving; his references to pills are purely formal.
"Lately I have not permitted myself to think much about the situation between my husband and myself. I cannot blame him, and I cannot blame myself, and I am trying to keep my peace of mind till my baby is born. I have found myself following half-instinctively the procedure you told me about; I talk to my own subconscious mind, and to the baby--I command them to be well. I whisper to them things that are not so very far from praying; but I don"t think my poor dear mamma would recognize it in its new scientific dress!
"But sometimes I can"t help thinking of the child and its future, and then all of a sudden my heart is ready to break with pity for the child"s father! I have the consciousness that I do not love him, and that he has always known it--and that makes me remorseful. But I told him the truth before we married--he promised to be patient with me till I had learned to love him! Now I want to burst into tears and cry aloud, "Oh, why did you do it? Why did I let myself be persuaded into this marriage?"
"I tried to have a talk with him last night, after he had decided to go away. I was full of pity, and a desire to help. I said I wanted him to know that no matter how much we might disagree about some things, I meant to learn to live happily with him. We must find some sort of compromise, for the sake of the child, if not for ourselves; we must not let the child suffer. He answered coldly that there would be no need for the child to suffer, the child would have the best the world could afford. I suggested that there might arise some question as to just what the best was; but to that he said nothing. He went on to rebuke my discontent; had he not given me everything a woman could want? he asked.
He was too polite to mention money; but he said that I had leisure and entire freedom from care. I was persisting in a.s.suming cares, while he was doing all in his power to prevent it.
"And that was as far as we got. I gave up the discussion, for we should only have gone the old round over again.
"Douglas has taken up a saying that my cousin brought with him: "What you don"t know won"t hurt you!" I think that before he left, Harley had begun to suspect that all was not well between my husband and myself, and he felt it necessary to give me a little friendly counsel. He was tactful, and politely vague, but I understood him--my worldly-wise young cousin. I think that saying of his sums up the philosophy that he would teach to all women--"What you don"t know won"t hurt you!""
7. A week or so later Sylvia wrote me that her husband was in New York. And I waited another week, for good measure, and then one morning dropped in for a call upon Claire Lepage.
Why did I do it? you ask. I had no definite purpose--only a general opposition to the philosophy of Cousin Harley.
I was ushered into Claire"s boudoir, which was still littered with last evening"s apparel. She sat in a dressing-gown with resplendent red roses on it, and brushed the hair out of her eyes, and apologized for not being ready for callers.
"I"ve just had a talking to from Larry," she explained.
"Larry?" said I, inquiringly; for Claire had always informed me elaborately that van Tuiver had been her one departure from propriety, and always would be.
Apparently she had now reached a stage in her career where pretences were too much trouble. "I"ve come to the conclusion that I don"t know how to manage men," she said. "I never can get along with one for any time."
I remarked that I had had the same experience; though of course I had only tried it once. "Tell me," I said, "who"s Larry?"
"There"s his picture." She reached into a drawer of her dresser.
I saw a handsome blonde gentleman, who looked old enough to know better.
"He doesn"t seem especially forbidding," I said.
"That"s just the trouble--you can never tell about men!"