Chapter 78 Anna"s Thought
"You don"t know anything, Anna. You are always inside the cage that you"ve created yourself." Noel looked down on her.
"I don"t know what you"re talking about." Anna gritted her teeth, glaring at Noel.
"Eh?"
This was a scene where they had a final fight before they got betrayed. The current Anna could see both her past and Noel"s past figures before her eyes.
Her consciousness didn"t question what happened to her or what kind of body she had right now. Instead, she was asking to herself about the reason why she had this kind of dream.
When she looked at this stand-off, she couldn"t help but feel pain in her heart.
"That"s right. Why did I fight against Noel in the first place? I think that the first time I fought Noel was at that time… I was visiting a small village and got angry due to the fact that they didn"t have any good places to stay.
"The past me didn"t have a memory like this, so I was immature back then. If I wanted something, I could get it. If I couldn"t, I would do anything as I pleased.
"Yes, I was a genius, but my behavior was terrible. I might look nice on the outside, but I was a horrible human being on the inside.
"Back then, Noel was the guide to complete the mission and I was tricked by him the first time. I got lost and almost died in that mission.
"Still, all I had was hatred back then. By the time I got tricked on the second time, I got rescued by the local people. Yet, when they saved me, I didn"t thank them. Instead, I killed them. That was the start of my regret.
"I noticed something when I looked at the happy smile they had when they found me and the horrified expression when I killed them.
"Noel might be taking revenge for this slaughter by forcing me to live in the wilderness without anything. Yes, he somehow trapped me in the middle of nowhere. I hated everything at that time, but to survive, I needed to eat everything.
"No one helped me anymore. For days, I suffered. I was hungry, thirsty, tired… basically, I did everything by myself for the first time. I realized what a commoner felt when they were hungry but had no money to buy something to eat.
"I knew how thirsty they were when they needed to walk for half an hour just to fetch out some water. Yet, those same commoners were killed by me previously despite them offering me food and water after they rescued me.
"When I was rescued, I tried to act differently. I wanted to fix my past and started thanking people no matter how small their help was."
The scene flashed before her eyes where when she had a nightmare of the people she had killed so far because of her impulse. She ended up puking hard that night and couldn"t sleep for days.
She had realized that what she had done was too much even for a n.o.ble.
"After that, I accidentally saw Noel in another place, helping the people in need. They were smiling genuinely… Their smiles were much brighter and bigger than the people that smiled at me.
"At that time, I realized that the people around me were smiling because they feared me, not because they were happy being with me.
"When I tried to help them like Noel, they couldn"t give me the best smile. I didn"t know why. I did my best to help them and gave the best solution, yet, there was no smile like that.
"Why? Why? Why? I kept questioning myself but never found the answer. Why could Noel make people happy while I couldn"t despite doing the same thing as him? Why could Noel gather so many loyal people under him while those who followed me came because of fear?
"I didn"t understand… and I still don"t…" Anna clenched her fists. "Why? I did better than Noel. I was hailed as a genius unlike him. Yet, I couldn"t attain what he got."
The scene changed into the scene where Eric and the others were kidnapped. When they saw Noel, the kids became so hopeful and their expressions brightened.
Even when Noel left them, they swore to themselves that they would repay everything to Noel.
Yet, when they saw her, they were horrified and angry. Although it was an act, she never had the need to clarify it. In her mind, there was Noel"s figure that could fix everything.
"Why does Noel give hope to others but I can"t even though we do the same thing?" Anna bit her lips before she recalled the first scene.
"You don"t know anything, Anna. You are always inside the cage that you"ve created yourself."
"A cage… What kind of cage that I"ve created?" Anna gritted her teeth. "I don"t understand. I haven"t created any cage…"
She suddenly fell silent as her stories flashed in her mind. She somehow could see the reason why Noel always tricked her and let her suffer.
It was revenge, but if she looked at it a bit more, she realized there was one more reason.
When they first met at the first time, she acted like a horrible person, so Noel tried to crush her by making her fall into the trap. When she almost died, her trusted knight died to protect her.
Despite having treated him like a dirt, the knight only smiled at his last moment and said, "I"m glad that you"re alright, Miss Anna. I hope that you can live better."
"The second time we met, he wanted me to experience what it felt to help and to be helped. Yet, I threw that away and slaughtered those kind hearted people. After that, I was known as a ruthless genius.
"The third time, I got lost and lived like a normal commoner in the middle of nowhere. I learned how they lived and wanted to make a change.
"However, it was already too late. Everyone only treated me well because they feared me. No matter how hard I tried to change it, there was nothing that could be done.
"Yes. After that, everything was just about me. I did this for them, so they should thank me. I did the best, so you should be grateful. It was all about me. I was never sincere to them because I did it for myself, not for them.
"The reasons the kids loved Noel and wanted to follow him was because Noel thought himself as a part of their group. It wasn"t about Noel, it was about them. Even if he left, it was for them.
"The reason why I never gained anything was myself. The cage I"ve created myself, for me, and about me.
"I see. To think that it took so long for me to realize it… I saved the kids for Noel, not for the kids. When I tried to gain my strength, I took something from Noel"s future without the need of paying him back.
"Now that I think about it, Noel carried me back because he felt indebted to me for stopping the Advance Level Demon, not knowing that I was simply taking advantage of his knowledge about the Ancient Demon Tree. He hated me so much, yet, he could still put down his hatred for the sake of repaying favor. And I was taking advantage of him this whole time…
"I shouldn"t have done that. There"s no way I can solve the hatred between us by scheming and using him.
"That"s right. After this, I should also share the fortunate encounters that my past self got to repay him for the future that I took from him.
"Is this the meaning of my second life? To fix every mistake that I made? Ah…" Anna closed her eyes as she said, "There is one thing that I"ve never said to Noel. If you want to make up with someone, you should say "Sorry." I"ve never said it once…"
Anna felt her consciousness began to return as if she was about to wake up.
Her last thought was, "That"s right. I know it"s hard, but I should apologize to Noel. After I wake up, I should apologize to him. I should say, "I"m sorry," to Noel."
Her consciousness gradually returned as Anna opened her eyes, waking up from her slumber. However, the first thing she saw wasn"t the ceiling.
It was a black sword that was only a few centimeters away from her face. Yes, it was Noel.
"What the…"