Sterling"s damp eyes turned on Theo. He dropped his hands from his throat and stood up straight. "Her name was Janet Black... but I swear I didn"t know you were her husband when I came here. I knew she had a husband and a daughter, but I didn"t know who you or Izzy were... not until now." He focused on me. "Chloe must"ve just been too afraid to tell me." He dropped his head. "s.h.i.t."
Theo looked both of us over with an incredulous expression, and in a matter of seconds, he spun around and barged through his bedroom door. He returned with a photo alb.u.m in his hands, the same one that I"d gone through the first day they moved to Primrose. He flipped the pages, going to his most recent picture of Mrs. Black. Pointing a thick, angry finger, he gruffly asked, "Her? She was the one you slept with? This woman?"
Sterling looked down, and I could see the admiration quickly fill his eyes. I also witnessed the pain he held, how he"d constantly wanted to blame himself for her death. If he"d never met or fallen for her, she wouldn"t have died.
"Yes," Sterling whispered. "Yeah, that"s her. That"s-that"s Janet."
Theo watched Sterling"s reaction, how guilt swarmed him and ate him up. He caught the anguish, the same pain he felt when he lost Mrs. Black. They had both lost a good woman, but both of them felt betrayed. By the way Sterling looked at Theo, I was sure he could see all the love Theo had for his dead wife. He saw that she was most likely happy to be with him, but that she"d also given half of her heart to him. She couldn"t choose, so she kept both.
Seeing the two of them watch each other and not know what in the h.e.l.l to do was hard to witness. I couldn"t block my tears or prevent the sniffling that came along with it. I wasn"t sure if they wanted to strangle each other or feel deep pity for one another.
"Is all that true?" Izzy"s voice cut through the turmoil, and everyone turned to look at her. She stepped forward with a towel in hand, eyes glistening. "Is. That. True?" she asked Sterling.
He looked down. "Yes."
Theo started to lunge forward with the urge to attack Sterling, but something stopped him from doing so. Perhaps it was because he knew it wasn"t his fault for loving Mrs. Black. Sterling fell for her because she accepted him entirely for who he was, just as she did Theo. In a way, Theo was only looking at a younger replica of himself. I could hear everyone"s heartbeats, their minds racing with drama, chaos, and pain.
"Mom... cheated?" Izzy whispered. "That-she would never do that."
"Oh, sweetie, it"s not like Theo really cares." Trixie appeared out of nowhere, wobbling as she met at Izzy"s side. She was wasted, some of her makeup smeared, the edges of her hair frizzy as if she"d constantly put cold water on her face.
Izzy jerked away. "Get off of me!"
Trixie narrowed her eyes. "You know what?! f.u.c.k this!" she yelled. "f.u.c.k everyone in this f.u.c.king place! I am so sick and tired of the side eyes and the s.h.i.t talking behind my back. You think I don"t hear it, but I do, and you know what, screw all of you because none of you are perfect!" She stumbled forward, pointing one finger at me and one at Theo. And as she did, my heart jumped out of my chest and hit the floor because I knew what was coming. I knew she was truly, honestly done being around, holding in her juicy information. "Especially the two of you!" she seethed. "You sneaky little sons of b.i.t.c.hes! You thought you were so good that no one would ever find out, but I did. And you both are f.u.c.king idiots!"
"Trixie!" Theo"s voice was loud as he marched for her, grabbing her arm and pulling her away, but she jerked and twisted out of his grasp. She was quick, rushing in Izzy"s direction.
"Hey, I bet you don"t know that your dad and your best friend are f.u.c.king, do you?" Her voice, though slurred, was comprehensible, and it felt like the heart that was on the floor-my heart-was now being stomped on by a stampede of wild bulls.
My body seemed to do nothing, but I wanted to rush forward, tackle Trixie to the ground, and tell Izzy it was all lies. But... but... I couldn"t. I was stuck, not in a trance or a daze. Just stuck.
"W-what?" Izzy"s forehead creased as she turned to face Trixie who was being hauled away by Theo. Theo"s anger lit his face. He was red from head to toe, stalking towards the door and tossing her out.
"Yeah! She"s f.u.c.king your dad! Some friend, huh!" she shouted before the door slammed in her face.
Theo didn"t move once he"d slammed it. He just stood there, staring at the back of the glossy brown door.
I was just as motionless. Powerless.
In that moment, as Izzy"s watery, depressed eyes met mine, I snapped out of my stupor and rushed for her. She backed away from me, holding her hands up and warding me off as if I had a contagious disease. "Izzy, I am so sorry," I whispered, head shaking. "It was never supposed to happen. It was really late, and he needed someone to help him so-"
Izzy held her hand up but said nothing, which was disturbingly rare. I wanted her to speak. Shout! Do anything. Curse me out if it made her feel better. But for nearly one whole minute, she was mute. Theo finally turned around, but he avoided his daughter"s watery eyes, focusing on the floor. Sterling walked past him and out of the condo, leaving the three of us standing there with heavy minds and empty mouths.
"I can"t f.u.c.king believe you." Izzy finally spoke, but the words were far from kind. They were sharp, deadly, and dripping with venom. "You f.u.c.king s.k.a.n.k! You said you came here for your dad-to help him-but you were here f.u.c.king mine all along!?"
"Izzy, I swear it wasn"t like that!"
"No? Really? Then what was it?"
"I did come here for my dad-we were-" I didn"t know how to respond. My tongue was twisted, but my mind was filled with way too many responses. I had always wondered how this day would go if it ever happened. The "if" was what scared me, but when I thought of it, I had so much I could have said to back myself up, but it was much harder than I thought. Nothing felt right-nothing but telling her the shocking truth. The one thing I knew. It was all out of love. Love! That"s what it was, but I couldn"t spill that truth.
"Yeah," she breathed. "Exactly. Wow." She shook her head, huffing a laugh that didn"t dare light her soul. "And Dad, you... wow." She was shocked, finding this information truly unbelievable. "I can"t even f.u.c.king believe you would do something like this. With Chloe!? You"re twice her age, Dad! You could be her f.u.c.king father! You"re f.u.c.king disgusting! Is that what turns you on? Girls that can consider you their dad? Girls my age that don"t know any f.u.c.king better?" She scoffed, s.n.a.t.c.hing up her purse and storming for the door. Before she could get there, Theo caught her, spinning her around.
"You"re not driving angry, Izzy. Stay here so we can explain."
She seemed to blow fire, yanking her arm away and backing up. I moved forward, eyes thick, full of tears and heavy with apologies. "f.u.c.k you, Dad! f.u.c.k you! Now I see why Mom cheated on you! You"re a selfish p.r.i.c.k who only thinks about himself! Did you even care to think about how I would feel about this? I"m your only child, and she is-no, was my only friend. And you..." She turned my way, looking at me directly.
"Izzy," I whimpered. "Please." Please what, Chloe? Please what!? Say something, stupid! Anything!
"You..." Her head shook, her upper lip curling as she disappointedly shook her head at me. Her voice cracked, and I was sure the ache she felt was all too real. I knew it was similar to the ache I felt... the hurt. The pain. It was hard to bare. "You aren"t a good-hearted person," she grumbled. "You are a no-good, inconsiderate b.i.t.c.h. You"ve always had the hots for my dad. I always knew it. I just didn"t think you"d take it this far. You knew staying around me would get you closer, didn"t you? You are a little f.u.c.king wh.o.r.e, just like your mom! I knew some of her would rub off on you somewhere."
"Isabelle f.u.c.king Black!" Theo"s voice roared. He was angry. p.i.s.sed the f.u.c.k off. His knuckles had whitened, nostrils flaring with a locked jaw and knitted brows.
Her words were like leather belts, whipping every sensitive part of me. I called her name repeatedly, begging forgiveness, but I wouldn"t be forgiven. She wouldn"t because she didn"t understand... or maybe I didn"t understand. I hurt Izzy. I"d had my heart broken before, but I was certain I"d broken hers that night. She was angry, yes, but she spoke out of raw anger because she trusted me. She loved me and felt like she could talk to me about any and everything.
I would have never taken advantage of my friend, but I couldn"t say I had the right to f.u.c.k with Mr. Black. I had no right. And I clearly had no real respect because I went through with sleeping with him many, many times.
"f.u.c.k you, Dad!" She fled.
I buckled when my best friend-ex best friend-stormed out of the condo. Theo was torn, unsure if he should go for me or for Izzy. He debated, peering my way and starting to come, but then he stepped back, looking towards the door.
He ran out the door, calling after his only child, and I fell, my knees. .h.i.tting the hard floor, tears streaming. I"d cried before, plenty of times. But never like this. Never, ever like this. A gaping hole had formed in my chest. It would be hard to fill. I"d been picked apart, my heart cracking with each withered beat. It was a painful feeling. It hurt... it hurt so d.a.m.n much. "I"m sorry," I cried to n.o.body. "I swear I didn"t want it to happen like this..."
I died little by little.
I hurt.
I died some more.
Imagine blood seeping out of every pore, spilling right from the gash in your heart. Imagine not being able to prevent the bleeding. Can you imagine that pain? Not being able to control something that feels so close, yet something that is so deep inside you that you can"t reach it unless you rip yourself wide open, clawing with raw loathing?
You suffer as you scratch, knowing that soon you will die inside and out because there"s nothing you can do to stop it. You can"t stop the drumming of an emotional, beautiful heart, not unless you stab a dagger of hatred right through the center.
Just imagine that, but bleeding out ten times faster than the average person. Imagine bleeding for lost love, broken hearts, and damaged souls. Imagine feeling nothingness-an unbearable ache that will never be fulfilled.
Can you imagine?
Can you feel it... that very ache that I had no choice but to feel?
I sat on Theo"s floor for what felt like an eternity, folded over, my face buried in my hands. A door shut minutes later and heavy footsteps came my way. They stopped right beside me, and with a gentle grasp, I was pulled up.
I glanced up, and through blurred vision, I could tell it was Theo by his broad shoulders and straggled hair. "Couldn"t make it to the elevator in time."
"You can"t let her drive angry."
"She won"t." He lifted up the key fob. "She forgot the keys."
I sniffled, dropping my chin. "Theo, I-I feel so bad." My throat dried and thickened, eyes welting again. "We never should have touched each other..."
His face saddened, tears collecting at the rims of his eyes. "I know, Chloe." He pulled me in and inhaled. His warm breath ran down my shoulders when he exhaled. "I"m so f.u.c.king sorry, Knight."
He held me, rocked with me for just a little while. "This can"t be fixed," I whispered. "Can it?"
He didn"t say anything. I didn"t expect him to.
Pulling back and tilting my chin, he said, "Come with me to the docks. It should get you to relax... calm down for now. She"ll come back. She has to. Let her take some time to cool off, and let"s hope she doesn"t do anything crazy."
"Should we go after her?"
He was perplexed. He wanted to, but he and I both knew Izzy would be hard to find, and if we did find her, we would get another ear full of hatred and shame. So he shook his head. "Nah. Let her come back to us."
She"d come back to him. But me... hmm. No. But I nodded anyway, and he brought his mouth down to kiss me. I expected to feel that same heat, that quick fire that always made me combust deep inside, but instead, I felt nothing. It didn"t feel like how it felt once before.
It wasn"t dirty or bad or wrong. It didn"t even feel good. I didn"t feel anything. I was numb to his touch, like my body had anesthetized itself, preventing me from feeling anymore pain, or hurt... even the love.
He noticed... I think. If he did, he didn"t speak on it.
Theo grabbed his keys, and we were at his bike in no time. During the ride, I clung to him as if my life depended on it, but there was something about the position I was in. He was quiet, but I was quieter. I still cried, going over all the times he and I made love, how we secretly created a relationship that couldn"t be understood. The foundation of our relationship was Izzy. If it weren"t for being her friend, I never would have met or hung around Theo so much.
I was sure his mind was crowded, not only with how he was going to gain his daughter"s forgiveness, but also with Mrs. Black. She"d cheated on him... with Sterling. She lied about a lot of things. All these years he thought she was only loyal to him-and for a while she was-but for the last few years of her life, she wasn"t. She"d given half of her heart to a boy that had similarities to her first love.
That night, I was sure Theo"s peace with her death had changed. He didn"t know his wife like he thought he did. h.e.l.l, he hardly got to spend much time with her because she was always working, and by "working" I meant messing around with Sterling.
I held Theo that night, and as my tears dampened his T-shirt, I only had one thought in mind, a thought that cut me so deep and gutted me so much I felt like I was suffocating.
He was right about the guilt I would feel if Izzy ever found out about us-how it would eat me alive if I even dared to continue what I had with him. My heart still beat, but it was aching. My soul had been shattered and crushed. I had no desire to smile, no desire to be happy or to feel complete.
I"d lost my only friend-my sister.
I"d lost her.
Forever.
There was always the question of what it would be like if she ever found out, but now that she had, everything I knew about myself seemed so meaningless. If she were to forgive me, it would never be the same between us. A permanent awkwardness would surround us whenever we were together, pushing us further apart and making it that much harder to be happy.
My body racked, the sobs blending in with the wind that pa.s.sed me by. I sobbed because I would never see Izzy again. I cried because, after that night, I would be someone else-someone without a partner in crime or with calls and texts to look forward to.
But I wept most because, after that night, I was never going to hold Theo like this again.
TWENTY-FOUR.
The world I had restored after three lonely years came crashing down again. And this time, it was really, really f.u.c.ked up.
My baby girl... my daughter. I couldn"t believe myself. After raising her to be the woman she"d become, showing her the ropes in life, and teaching her the basics of how to survive in this crazy world, I"d sent her running away from me. I broke my baby"s heart-actually I"d broken two hearts.
Her trust in me? Gone.
My Isabelle...
It"s sad to think that I never thought I would get to that point-of her finding out about Chloe and me. I wanted her to stay oblivious to it. I wanted to keep my daughter in my life but also keep my little knight in shining armor.
Who was I kidding? I knew I couldn"t have both-that I couldn"t keep going on with Chloe like I did. Her words... they broke the little that was left of my heart, and when she spewed her anger at Chloe, I felt f.u.c.king terrible.
It wasn"t her fault.
It was mine. I never should have touched her. I never should have relied on her to take care of me. I was a grown man. I shouldn"t have needed saving by someone that hardly even knew better. I shouldn"t have expected her to come running, picking up all my damaged pieces and restoring them.
But I did. I didn"t regret it, though. As horrible as I felt, I didn"t regret what Chloe and I created. I would never regret someone that made me feel alive again when I thought it would be d.a.m.n near impossible to. I loved that girl-I loved her more than life itself, but I loved my daughter unconditionally. More that I can put into words.
I loved Janet dearly, but after finding out she"d lied to me, I went blank. She cheated on me, something I never would have done to her. She hardly knew that kid. She"d known me for fifteen years of her life, but risked putting our relationship on the line for a kid that most likely considered her a good, easy lay.
Chloe said he loved her, but I didn"t believe it. I didn"t believe it because he didn"t love Janet the way I did. Wholly. Fiercely. Pa.s.sionately. Undeniably. f.u.c.k, I couldn"t believe I"d spent so many years with her, and in the end, it turned out she wasn"t happy with me.
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do?
Did I not love hard enough?
Did I forget a birthday or anniversary?
Did I not show her enough attention?
I blinked my tears away as I walked onto Dirty Black, cranking her up and sailing across the sea. Chloe sat on the bench in the corner with her arms wrapped around her, her line of sight nowhere near mine. She focused on the ocean. She hadn"t said a thing since leaving the condo.
My heart broke for her. I couldn"t imagine how she felt. I thought surely I would be able to protect her from ever getting caught-from ever ruining her relationship with my daughter.
I was wrong.
I guess I couldn"t do everything.
I was no Superman.
I was the Joker, playing tricks with her mind and body, bringing her deeper into a game that both we knew wouldn"t end fairly.
Stopping the boat, I went for the anchor and dropped it in the water, then turned around, getting an eyeful of Chloe. f.u.c.k, she was hurt. Her face was pale, her body shivering as if she were freezing. But she wasn"t shaking from the wind. She was shaking because she was crying.
I walked her way, silently reaching for her hand. She looked up as I kissed the back of it. Then I brought her to a stand. She looked away, but she stayed close. "I"ll talk to Izzy," I murmured. "She can"t be angry forever."
"With you," she mumbled. "You"re her dad. She can"t be angry with you forever. But with me... she can." She sighed, dropping her head. "Theo, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Izzy. There were plenty of times when I wanted to give up on you-us-but I didn"t because I was torn. I love you... and I love her. But... I should have known this would happen. Look at us," she whispered. "We don"t belong together. It may feel like we do, but we don"t."
"What makes you think we don"t belong together?"