"Okay." I nodded. "When Izzy"s up, I"ll let her know you"re here."
His face grew pained, almost like he didn"t want to face his daughter. There was fear, fear that he might break down once he saw traces of his wife in his baby girl. Like her green eyes and small nose. Her wild personality. "Okay," he finally said.
He stepped back, looking me over before turning around and entering the house. I watched him go inside, the door shutting behind him. I stood in the garage for a moment, recapping all that"d just happened.
He was hurt.
He was devastated.
He couldn"t believe he was the one suffering.
He of all people.
Losing his wife.
Losing half of himself.
Losing what probably felt like everything to him.
I can tell you that Mr. Black was never the same again. I can tell you that he hardly ever showed up at home, and if he did it was to shower and change clothes, maybe work on his bike late at night.
I can also tell you that he was angry, like the world and his life had gone to full-blown s.h.i.t and that it could never be restored. He was always at work. Always busy, trying to steer his mind from reality, working to will away the broken life he hated even existed.
But for Izzy, he did his best. He survived. He attended graduation and even saw her off to college. She left a week and a half before I had to go, and during that week, I watched him from across the street, peeping out of my bedroom window. I watched as he worked on several different bikes, blasted rock music he"d never listened to before, and got so drunk in his garage that he"d pa.s.s out. Music like that, metal-rock, made most people hostile and angry.
I was certain that was his goal-to be angry with any and everything. To have an excuse and something to back him up if things went awry. He was being immature and taking his grief out in all the wrong ways.
When he pa.s.sed out, I"d walk across the street to help him. I"d carry his weight up their two flights of stairs, nearly dragging him into his bedroom and laying him on his bed. This happened three nights in a row without a single issue.
Not even Izzy was taking it this hard. Yes, the pain still cut her deep, but she was healing from her loss, ready to start fresh elsewhere. I guess it was different for Mr. Black because he loved Mrs. Black in a completely different way. He lived in a home they shared and slept in a bed that I"m sure reminded him of her every single day and night.
One night-the fourth night I helped him-changed our relationship in its entirety.
He pa.s.sed out in the garage again around midnight.
Sighing, I walked across the street and helped him up, going through the same routine, draping his large body on mine. He was damp with sweat and grease marks soiled his shirt. I tossed him on the bed, and he chuckled then sighed.
He reeked of gin this time. I shook my head. Knowing he"d hate himself if he ruined his sheets with his dirty boots, I bent down, untying the strings and pulling one of them off.
Mr. Black kicked the other foot as if he was trying to get rid of me, like he had no clue I was helping. "Mr. Black," I said, struggling to catch his foot. "Please stay still. I"m trying to take off your shoe."
"Mr. Black?" he repeated, voice sluggish. It took him a while to sit up straight just to find me in the dark. The bathroom light was on, but the door was cracked. Only a sliver of light showed, revealing part of his face. His gla.s.sy eyes caught mine, his supple lips separating as he said, "I like it better when you call me Theo."
"Well, Theo, please be still so I can take your other shoe off. Don"t want to ruin your sheets, right?"
"Yes ma"am." He grinned, teeth white and glistening. I ignored the drumming of my heartbeat, pulling off his other boot and then standing, placing it aside.
"There. I"ll put some water and aspirin by your bed. You should take it in the morning." It was weird talking to him now. Normally he"d pa.s.s right out once he hit the sheets, but not this time.
No, this time he stared at me as if he wanted something-something he knew he shouldn"t have. His eyes roamed my body, up and down, breathing heavy. Words were begging to be spoken, but instead he kept quiet, allowing his actions to speak for him.
Standing from the bed, he leisurely walked towards me, but I stumbled away, my back hitting a wall, preventing escape. I wasn"t afraid of him, though. No, in fact, as his smoldering brown eyes pierced mine and he stood before me in nothing but a grey muscle tank, I couldn"t help but falter.
He was such a beautifully damaged man. So much pain and chaos and hurt in his eyes, but it didn"t mask his good looks. I wanted to make him better with the only way I knew how.
Affection.
Hugs.
And sweet, tender kisses.
But hugging and kissing Mr. Black would have been wrong... right?
"I don"t want you to leave," he admitted. "You"ve taken care of me and Izzy..." He met up to me and cupped one of my cheeks. I expected a rough hand touching smooth flesh, but it was gentle, his hands free of callouses and blisters, courtesy of the gloves he often wore while working. "I appreciate you so much for that. Taking care of me. Watching out for me. I know I can get crazy-do some really childish s.h.i.t." He stroked behind my ear, running his tongue over his bottom lip. "G.o.d, you have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?" My heart pounded.
I couldn"t speak. I didn"t need to.
"I know you like me, Chloe."
"Mr. Black, I-"
"Theo... please," he begged, eyes shutting briefly before opening again, "...just call me Theo. Call me by my first name. It sounds so good coming out of your mouth." The pad of his thumb ran across my lips, feathery-light. My core heated, a gush of warmth flowing to my sacred area.
"Theo," I whispered, pressing a hand against his chest.
"Yes?" He got a thrill out of me saying his name. I saw it in his eyes, how they lit up and sparked like a shower of meteors.
I tried creating words-lyrics I"d rehea.r.s.ed-but the way he looked at me and how close he was to me, I"d never felt this before. Not with any kind of man. No man had ever made me feel this way-ready to pounce on top of him, smother his lips, and take him whole. Just Theo.
"W-what do you wanna do to me?" I tempted, my wavering voice barely heard. I was being bad. Naughty. I knew better.
Theo"s face became hard like the metal he worked with, the light emphasizing his chiseled features. Locking eyes with me, he gripped my waist, reeling me into him, and breathing deep as his nose ran down the angle of mine.
Before I knew it, he"d yanked my spandex shorts down, his mouth angled above mine. He paused for what felt like an eternity, testing me. Teasing me. Playing with my mind and body.
But, instantly, he spoiled me, mouth crushing mine, his tongue thrusting between my lips. He groaned, and I defenselessly fell into his touch, his hands on my waist, picking up one of my legs as he turned for the bed.
My back hit the soft padding, my left leg pushed up to my chest as he sank against me. Theo lifted up and yanked off his belt then undid his pants, grasping my hips, nearly bruising my waist as he brought me closer. His arm shot out towards the nightstand, and he dug in the drawer, pulling out a small, square, gold packet. A condom. As he tore it with his teeth and took the time to slide it on, I could have wriggled out from under him... but I didn"t. I just lay there, wanting it.
Craving for it.
In that moment, I was his for the taking. My lower half exposed, hips tilted up in the angle he desired. He could"ve stopped-I could tell he was debating whether to keep going or call it quits-but he proceeded, the confliction in his eyes rapidly subsiding. I was so glad he didn"t give out.
His c.o.c.k sank deep inside me, and I was consumed by a hot, welcoming rush with each slow stretch. He stilled, shutting his eyes tightly and groaning, the veins bulging under the ink on his arms and neck. G.o.d, he was so thick and long, everything I ever imagined. Quite possibly more.
I adjusted around his size, whimpering for him to stroke, move-do something. "f.u.c.k," he cursed under his breath as he finally started. "So f.u.c.king tight." He looked down at me, and I thought he would stop once he realized exactly what was happening, but he didn"t. He moved slowly, his c.o.c.k filling me up, bringing me over the edge. Bringing me higher. "d.a.m.n, Chloe. You"re so f.u.c.king wet for me."
His mouth came down on mine again, our tongues colliding, warm bodies greedy for each other. We"d wanted this to happen for quite some time now. The both of us. From the moment Mr. Black noticed the changes that had taken place in my body, I was sure he thought some pretty naughty things about me-things he"d never share with anyone else. But back then, he was a married man and I was underage. It was bad.
Wrong.
Dirty.
But now, I was nineteen, on my way to college to start a new life. He was a widowed, gorgeous man with needs that needed fulfilling and a dark, cluttered mind that needed clearing.
As I lay on the bed, watching this gorgeous man take me, thrusting hard and deep, bringing my legs to my chest and pumping just enough to reach my g-spot, I couldn"t bring myself to care about anything else outside of this. Not even the fact that I was losing my virginity to him.
There was pain, and even an odd stretching sensation that I couldn"t ignore, but once that pa.s.sed, it was the greatest thing I ever endured. True pleasure taking over my body, letting out noises within me that I never knew existed. I was sure he was too drunk to notice, or maybe he was too drunk to care. I wasn"t saving myself for anyone. I just never felt like any of the other guys were worthy enough. But for Theo, it was astonishing what I would do for him-what I would give just to be close. d.a.m.n. I wasn"t sure if it was sickening or delightful.
I needed to get it out of my system, and so did he. We needed to get it over with, forget about whatever feelings we held back on because it was obvious we would never be able to be together, even if Izzy wasn"t my best friend and his wife was long gone.
Our age played a huge, scary part.
It would be oddly accepted in this world.
Theo"s body locked, his hands on either side of my head, eyes bolted with mine. Only his hips drilled, the definition of his muscles exposed. "Your p.u.s.s.y is so tight and wet for me, Chloe. My Little Knight." He leaned forward, his lips coming to the sh.e.l.l of my ear. "You"ve saved me so many times." He slammed, and I cried out, my fingernails biting into the smooth flesh on his muscled back. "I owe you this much. I owe it to you to make you feel good-comfort you this time. Show you what a real man can do. I know you"ve wanted it," he breathed. "Trust me. I know. I see the desire in your eyes every single f.u.c.king day, and it kills me."
And then it happened. His deep, o.r.g.a.s.mic voice. His large, toned body on mine. The heat thick in the air, his hand cupping the back of my neck, the possessive hold he had on me and how he repeatedly pressed on a g-spot that had never been triggered... G.o.d, I came. I came so hard. So f.u.c.king hard.
My body shook violently, out of control. I"d never felt such a thing. It was magical and intense and f.u.c.king amazing. I screamed, sighed, and then moaned his name.
"That"s right," he breathed, still tipping me over. "c.u.m for me. c.u.m all over my f.u.c.king c.o.c.k, Chloe. You"ve wanted this. f.u.c.king claim it."
I shuddered, and he groaned, dropping his face into the crook of my neck. "G.o.dd.a.m.n." His voice was heavy and gruff as he came next, crashing into me three more times before collapsing and panting wildly.
He was still buried within as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling. I felt wonderful for a split second. Utterly amazing. I listened to my heart beating fast like the wings of a humming bird. Absorbed the feeling of his warm breath drifting past my damp skin. I was drunk on the way his sweat mixed with mine, his chest heaving. For the briefest of moments I felt like I belonged there... but I knew I didn"t.
My face straightened, and I immediately came back to the sobering reality. Oh my G.o.d. I couldn"t believe it. I"d just f.u.c.ked Mr. Black, the man across the street. My neighbor and my best friend"s dad. A man that was twenty years older than I was...
And I couldn"t take it back.
I lifted up, and he rolled onto his back, sighing as he shut his eyes. I watched his relaxed position, how he sighed again as if he"d been waiting on that to happen for years. Something bad settled in the pit of my stomach, gutting me. I so badly wanted to cry.
Climbing off the bed, I walked forward, picking up my shorts, sliding them on and then tucking my hair behind my ear. Theo touched his crotch, and when he felt something wet, his brows puckered, his hand shooting up above his face.
He sprang up, looking from the redness on his fingertips to me. "Chloe... oh s.h.i.t." He blinked in my direction, shocked. "Chloe-why didn"t you tell me?" he whispered. His speech was still a slurred mess. I figured it best not to get into it. It didn"t matter. It was done. There was no taking it back-or dare I say giving it back.
"I-I should go, Mr. Black."
I had a feeling he didn"t quite understand what"d just happened-the true depth of this situation. It would take him a few hours of recouping and getting sober to realize the act of sin we"d just committed. "Wait-Chloe... hold on. Did I just... did I just take-" He was unable to get it out, still stunned. Still drunk. Still at a loss for words and on the verge of pa.s.sing out.
I opened the door. "I think this will be the last time I help you when you pa.s.s out, Mr. Black."
"Chloe?" he was still confused, struggling to come to a stand.
"Please be careful, Theo. Have a good night." I shut the door and hurried home, feeling like the entire neighborhood had heard me-or at least watched me through X-ray goggles or some s.h.i.t. It didn"t help that Ms. Rhodes"s stupid dog barked, bringing attention to the night. I quietly entered my house, tiptoed upstairs to my bedroom, took a quick shower, and then got into bed.
My head fell to the left, my cellphone sitting on the nightstand. I picked it up. The only person I was concerned about was Izzy. I wanted to tell her that I"d made a mistake-that we"d made a mistake.
But I knew if I did, she"d never forgive it or look at me the same, no matter what he was going through. She"d blame me for getting close to him in his hour of need. She"d blame me for everything and sympathize with her father. She was the only true friend I had. I never kept secrets from Izzy, but this was one I was taking to the grave.
So I dropped my phone, looked towards the window, and figured it was best not to ever let her know. I tossed and turned all night, remembering just how he took me, claimed me. His mouth on mine, tongue desperate and needy. His masculine body close, bringing me to absolute euphoria. I never thought I"d feel so much my first time.
I sighed because I"d never felt so amazing and so horrible all at once. This would change the way Theo saw me, especially the whole popping of the cherry thing, so I prepared myself for the worst. I prepared to be ignored by him, never to be looked at in the same, innocent way.
I told my emotions not to get involved because, after all, it was just s.e.x. I made him feel just a little better and that was what I wanted. For him to forget his pain for a little while. To feel normal again... at least a tad bit happier, even if there was a cost on my behalf.
But I was only fooling myself.
It was much more than that to me. Just s.e.x. No matter how hard I tried, my feelings for Theo only became stronger. I became attached to the idea of him. Weak and vulnerable for him. I couldn"t stand it. I couldn"t stand myself for giving in. Falling victim to my fantasies. My desires. I knew better. We, as adults, knew better.
Theo had no care for right or wrong the moment he lost his wife.
His well-being became polluted with misunderstanding. Rotten from prolonged anguish.
His soul was tainted black, and there was no going back.
"f.u.c.k," I thought. "Where do we go from here?"
THREE.
WHAT THE f.u.c.k IS WRONG WITH ME?!.
Chloe... f.u.c.king Chloe! The girl from across the street. The girl that just so happens to be my daughter"s best friend. I watched her grow from this oddly proportionate twelve-year-old to a nineteen-year-old woman with a huge rack she couldn"t conceal, full lips that moved fluidly when she spoke, and a perky round a.s.s I couldn"t help but occasionally stare at whenever she was around.
She had it all, the full package, and to top it all off she was book smart. She never missed a day of school-never missed a cla.s.s a.s.signment or forgot her homework. s.h.i.t, I wished Isabelle could be like her-about the books and school, I mean.
When I came to, realizing what"d just happened-the blood on my fingertips, the way she ran out of here-I sprang up, but the bedroom door was already shut, light footsteps scampering down the staircase. "Chloe!" I called after her, shooting for the door. Unfortunately, my f.u.c.king pants were still around my ankles, c.o.c.k limp.
Stumbling ahead, I landed face-forward on the carpet, groaning as I created a loud thud. My palms burned the carpet, head swirling.
G.o.d d.a.m.n it.
I was so f.u.c.king drunk and so f.u.c.king stupid.
Pulling my s.h.i.t together as much as I could, I walked towards the window and saw her enter her home, a place that felt so far away from me. A place I knew I could never enter without permission.
It took several minutes for her bedroom lights to flicker on, but when they did, I saw her standing still for a moment. Her sheer curtains always showed where she was. She was looking into the mirror, most likely trying to figure out what in the h.e.l.l just happened.
I swallowed hard as she moved away from the gla.s.s. I didn"t see her anymore after that. "So f.u.c.king stupid," I scolded myself, sitting on the edge of the bed. My fingers roughly raked through my sweat-dampened hair, a soreness already migrating to my head.
Why couldn"t I pull it together? Even my own daughter had swept up the pieces of her heart, ready to start fresh. I still couldn"t wrap my mind around it. Janet... she was f.u.c.king gone.