"Oh, did you and Carter get into a fight or something?"
Sophie reaches into her bag and pulls out a stack of newspapers and printouts from online gossip columns. "No. I spent all last night posing for photographers and I was cut off in every picture except one." She hands me a spread from the Gossip Guru that has a picture of Sophie clutching on to Carter. "Carter Harrison and friend ... and friend!"
I look at the photo. She has one arm wrapped around Carter, while the other holds his hand. "It"s pretty clear that you guys are a couple."
She picks up the photo and studies it. "That"s not my point. I"ve been with Carter for two years now - shouldn"t they recognize me already? And we"re seniors now, so time is running out."
I know how much pressure senior year is going to be. I never thought it would get to Sophie, but she seems more stressed out than usual.
Sophie puts the articles back in her bag. "I really need my name out there. It"s only a matter of time before I start working with talent scouts."
I don"t say anything. I don"t agree with Sophie"s decision to avoid college and immediately dive into the world of Broadway and record contracts. It"s not that I doubt her talent; it"s just such a hard business.
"Anyway." Sophie lays her head on my shoulder. "I"m so sorry to dump that on you. How are things with the guys? Do you know what you"re going to do for the audition?"
"Oh, it"s fine. We"re debating which of Ethan"s songs to do." I feel a slight stab in my stomach as I say his name. When he returned to the table, we started talking about what songs to perform and mapped out a practice schedule. I tried to talk to him afterward, but he rushed off to the subway. I guess maybe it"s better to let it go. I said my peace. Well, I said a lot of things. It was more like I was declaring war, but I had to do it.
"h.e.l.lo?" Sophie waves her hand in front of my face. "Earth to Emme."
"Sorry."
She tilts her head. "Is everything all right?"
I nod. I"m glad to have Sophie back, and not just from Maryland, but back in my life. Each year it seems like she slips away from me. I know I carry the blame since I have to dedicate so much time to the band. But between homework, rehearsals, school performances, and band gigs, I don"t have a lot of time for anything. Still, there will always be time for Sophie. We"re a team. We"re best friends.
I pull out the sheet music with my scribbles over it.
Sophie straightens up. "I"ve been warming up my voice. Tell me everything about it!"
"I"ve been working on this one idea for a while. It"s about searching. The song is about searching for that person, the one who completes you. Sort of like "Where are you already?" but I think it also works with where we are right now. Searching for our future, where we belong."
Sophie nods at me while she studies my lyrics. "Amazing, Emme. Really amazing."
I sit down at the keyboard in my room and begin to play the song for Sophie. After a few run-throughs, she begins to sing along. I love this stage of the writing process, when the song is like an intimate secret shared between us. It"s a bond that can"t be broken by school or by anyone. It"s only the two of us.
After we practice for a while, I type out the reworked lyrics. (Hearing Sophie sing always inspires me to make a few changes.) She hesitates before taking the sheet.
"Um, Em, I was hoping you could do me a huge favor." She begins to curl a long brunette strand of hair between her fingers. She does this when she waits for a callback list to be posted or when she thinks she"s going to say something that will upset me.
I wish I wasn"t so sensitive. I"ve never been tough like her. She"s center stage. I"m background. That"s just the way it has been and always will be.
She sits down next to me on the piano bench and grabs my hand. "I know how extremely busy you"re going to be, and I was hoping you could write out the accompanying part so I could practice with Amanda."
"Oh." I try to not sound hurt. Amanda is a junior music student who has been practicing Sophie"s other vocal department songs with her. But the songs I write have always been between the two of us.
"You know that Amanda is nowhere near the pianist that you are, but I really want to do well. It"s senior year and it"s hard for you and me to find the time with our schedules. You understand, don"t you?"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn"t give Sophie every advantage to nail her audition for the performance?
"Of course. I"ll write it up tonight and send it to you."
"Oh, Emme." Sophie hugs me. "You"re the greatest friend ever! I"m eternally indebted to you. You are so getting an entire paragraph in the liner notes for my first alb.u.m. To Emme, who has been my biggest supporter and friend since day one."
I know that Amanda could never replace me. Really, when I think about it, she"s helping me out. Senior year is going to be busy and I need to let go a little. I don"t have the time and I can"t do it all. If I keep trying to juggle everything, someone is going to end up getting shortchanged and I don"t want to do that to Sophie and the guys, not to mention to my sanity.
After Sophie leaves, something registers in what she said. Her alb.u.m. We used to discuss how I was going to write and produce her alb.u.ms. But she hasn"t said anything about me being part of her alb.u.m in months.
Wow, Emme, needy much? I think.
Senior year hasn"t even started, but I"m already worried about not being a part of an alb.u.m that doesn"t even exist yet.
I know how much I mean to Sophie. I"ve got to remember her Plan. I"ve always been part of it, a big part of it. And nothing will change that.
"I seriously can"t believe you let her do that," Ethan whispers to me a week later at the auditions for the freshman welcome program. We"re all lined up in the hallway waiting our turn.
I try to look content as I watch Sophie walk into her audition with Amanda. "She"s been practicing the song more with Amanda than with me," I explain. "Do I need to remind you that I"ve been a little busy rehearsing with you guys?"
Jack stops twirling his drumsticks for a second. "Yeah, for two hours a day. You"ve got twenty-two other hours for Sophie. But apparently that isn"t enough for the wanna-diva."
It"s an argument we"ve had a lot. Ever since freshman year, there has been this pull on me between the guys and Sophie. Sophie thinks I spend too much time with them and they - well, they don"t like her.
Ethan motions toward the door to the auditorium stage. "She"s in there right now singing your song. Do you really think you"re going to get the credit for it? You have to remember that this audition is also about you. You are being judged right now ... if she even bothers to mention that it"s one of your songs."
"She would never ..." I know there"s no way Sophie would take credit for the song. Everybody knows I write her songs. And she"s been practicing with Amanda more than me, so am I supposed to punish her because I"m the one who"s not available?
They don"t get it. And they never have.
Ethan shakes his head. "She"s already done the unforgivable, if you ask me."
"Yeah, well, I didn"t ask."
Ben gets up and crouches next to us. "Hey, guys, we"ve got our audition coming up, so can we just concentrate on that, please?"
We both nod.
"Hey, Emme." Carter comes up to me. "Where"s Sophie?"
I point to the door. "Oh," he says. "Why aren"t you in there?"
Ethan gets up and walks away. Carter takes his seat.
"She"s in with Amanda."
"Oh." Carter looks upset. "I"m sorry."
"It"s okay."
He gives me a look that says No, it"s not. And maybe it isn"t, but there"s nothing I can do about it now. Ben"s right; I"ve got to get my head into our audition. That I can do something about.
I gesture toward the script rolled up in Carter"s hand. "What are you doing?"
He looks at it. "Oh, I"m doing a monologue from Death of a Salesman, but this is the script for tomorrow"s scene."
I don"t know how Carter balances everything we do with school and acts in a soap opera at the same time. I know his mom worked out some arrangement so he only works about ten hours a week, but still.
He flips through the pages. "You don"t even want to know what shenanigans Chase Proctor is up to now." He laughs and messes up his overly styled blond hair.
Oddly enough, I haven"t really watched Our Lives, Our Loves since I"ve known him. Sophie was always obsessed with it, so I get updates every now and then about Carter"s character, Chase Proctor, the good guy who turned bad after his parents got a divorce when his father started cheating with his mother"s twin sister, who everybody thought was dead after she was trapped in a house that was set on fire by Chase"s estranged grandmother, who ... oh, never mind.
Sophie and Amanda emerge from the audition, and Sophie heads straight for Carter. "You weren"t here to wish me luck."
"But you don"t need luck when you have a song by Emme," he says, grinning at me.
"Oh, hey, Emme!" Sophie gives me a big hug. "The song was great. I could tell they loved it." Amanda hangs behind her. She won"t even talk to me. I don"t know what she has against me since we"ve only ever exchanged a handful of words in the past. She"s the only junior here, so she should show me some grat.i.tude for being such an unreliable friend that it got her into the audition.
I debate thanking her for helping out, but then I hear our names being called. "Emme Connelly, Jack Coombs, Benjamin McWilliams, and Ethan Quinn."
"Good luck, Emme," Carter calls out. I turn my back on them just as I hear Sophie reply, "Sure, you wish her luck."
Ethan can tell something"s wrong. He grabs me by the shoulder. "Please don"t do this right now."
I look at him. "Do what?"
"Question yourself, your friendship, whether you belong here. Because you do belong here. You"re one of the best students here. I know it, the teachers know it, everybody knows it. She knows it. I wish you did."
He walks to the center of the stage, picks up a guitar, and pulls the microphone stand up to match his height. Jack goes behind the kit while Ben grabs the ba.s.s. I stand there for a second before I instinctively pick up the other guitar and stand to Ethan"s left.
This stage, one I used to admire as a kid going to CPA productions, is so familiar to me now. But what I feel isn"t familiar. Usually I get nervous doing the walk from the hallway to the stage to audition each semester. But this time I don"t feel nerves at all. Because I"m with the guys. I don"t get nervous performing with them. Sure, I used to, but we"re a team, a musical family. We"ve grown up together.
"h.e.l.lo, we"re Teenage Kicks and we"ll be performing an original song that I wrote," Ethan says into the microphone.
I remember the first time we performed together. Ethan wouldn"t even look out into the audience, let alone speak to them. He stared down at the floor the entire time. I"m not sure he"s ever forgiven us for making him be the lead singer, but he has the most incredible voice. The second we heard him sing, we knew we had our front man.
He turns back and looks at each one of us. When he gets to me, he asks, "Ready?"
I"m not sure how prepared I am for senior year, the showcase, and college applications, but in this moment, I know that with these three guys behind me, I can do anything.
I look at him and smile. "Ready."
We"re about to find out who made the cut. I can see the tension in all the students walking into CPA. Everybody but me. It"s not like I"m some hugely confident person, but I"ve been dealing with rejection like this for so long, it"s not even a big deal to me.
But it is to Sophie.
She squeezes my hand as we ascend the stairs.
SOPHIE: I don"t know if I can handle another year of this. I mean, I need this, you know?
She leans against the wall near the entrance. I brush a loose piece of hair from her face. Sophie"s been a nervous wreck since the auditions. I study her and wonder what happened to that super-confident girl who approached me soph.o.m.ore year and straight-up asked me out. At that point, all I got was glares from the students. Half of them hated me because they thought I was a hack and would recite my infamous Kavalier Kids line, "Anytime a stranger is in need, the Kavalier Kids will be there, indeed!" as I walked down the hallways. The other half despised me for landing every lead role and getting all the press.
But Sophie was the first person to show me an ounce of kindness. She treats me like a normal guy. She"s put up with my crazy schedule, public appearances, and fans (who do not appreciate me having a girlfriend). She was also there for me when I was starting to doubt a lot of things.
It probably started the night of the Inside the Outside premiere - I wasn"t in the movie, but I was invited to decorate the occasion. Not quite Oscar night, but there"s still a red carpet and a long line of reporters to deal with before you"re allowed to take your seat and watch the movie. (Most premieres aren"t even about the movie; it"s about being seen on the red carpet or at the after-party.) The lights were flashing so quickly, and I could barely focus with the paparazzi screaming my name over and over again. Sophie patiently waited off camera with my publicist, Sheila Marie.
Sophie and I had only been dating a couple months, but she"d been nothing but supportive of everything. In fact, she made me want to go out and do this sort of thing more. It"s a lot less lonely when you have someone to go with ... who isn"t your mom.
REPORTER: Carter! Over here!
I headed over to a pet.i.te blond reporter for an entertainment program, flashing a smile.
REPORTER: Great to see you here, Carter. How have you enjoyed the transition from child star to high school student? What year are you now?
ME: I"m in the first semester of my soph.o.m.ore year at the New York City High School of the Creative and Performing Arts. It"s been a really great learning experience not to mention being a ton of fun.
REPORTER: That"s great. Tell us, how do you feel about the recent Gossip Guru article about the Kavalier Kids curse?
I stared at her blankly. I had no idea what she was talking about. I generally ignore those tabloid rags.
REPORTER: Did you really go to school because the roles dried up?
What?
ME: I"m on Our Lives...
REPORTER: Yes, but that"s a soap.
Sheila Marie quickly grabbed me by the arm.
SHEILA MARIE: Interview"s over. He"s got to be inside.
Sheila Marie guided Sophie and me inside to a private corner.
ME: What"s going on? What is she talking about?
SHEILA MARIE: I told them not to bring up that vile article.
ME: What article? What"s going on?
SHEILA MARIE: Your mother thought it would be best if you didn"t see it, but there was this ridiculous article that came out that featured the kids from the series. And, well, not everything has turned out well for you guys. And honestly, you do come off the best, but they ...
ME: What did it say?
I felt sick to my stomach. This definitely wasn"t the first time I"d had a negative article about me in the press. It had started after I"d had my first box office dud - I was eleven and being told that my career was over. I was "box office poison" simply because a comedy about me and a talking dog bombed. It wasn"t like I wrote or directed it, but it was my face on the poster, so the studio decided to blame the kid.
But this was different. These were my choices. Yes, I knew that I"d get made fun of for being on a soap, but that was the only thing I could think of that would allow me to still work and go to school.
Sheila Marie pulled up the article on her phone. I started reading about the other actors that I"d worked with - guys I grew up with - who"d been kicked out of school, busted for DUI, arrested for stealing, or had run away. Of course, they didn"t mention the other three guys, who were now just normal high school students.
And then there was me. I got my own box, where they dissected my meteoric rise in one paragraph and then spent the next dozen recounting every small role I"d taken since. They belittled my choice to go to CPA, calling it "desperate," my "last chance to redeem" myself.