She starts to wrap her guitar cord around her arms as we pack up for the night. I quickly move toward her as Ben asks Carter about some homework a.s.signment.
"Hey, Emme, can you stay after so I can talk to you?"
Her eyes dart to Carter for a moment. "Um, sure." It comes out like a question. "I, ah, was going to ..." She stops herself. "Yes, of course."
I think she knows this conversation has been a long time coming, and it"s best if we both get it out of the way.
She goes over to talk to Carter, and Ben enthusiastically offers to leave with him. Jack keeps looking back between the two of us with a smile on his face. He"s had this fantasy since the beginning that Emme and I would end up together.
But we all know Emme"s thoughts on me as a boyfriend, so that is never going to happen.
"What"s up?" She looks nervous. She keeps plucking at the guitar in her lap.
"What"s going on with the Soap Stud?"
Emme glares at me.
I continue. "What? He comes to one gig and all of a sudden the two of you are...?"
She gets up. "This is what you wanted to talk to me about? Do I even need to remind you who he"s dating? Please, Ethan, you should know better. Just because a guy and a girl are friends doesn"t mean there is anything romantic going on."
That"s not devastating to hear. "No, that"s not what I wanted to talk to you about, although I"m just trying to figure out when good ol" Six-Pack became such an important part of your life."
"He has a name." She reaches for her jacket.
"Okay. Carter." I take her jacket from her. "I"m sorry, I didn"t mean to upset you. It"s just ..."
"I know. It"s ..." She bites her lip and my heart sinks. "I don"t know." She falls back down on the couch, looking defeated. "The last few weeks have been weird. Sophie keeps disappearing, and I don"t think I need to tell you how things have been between you and me. It"s nice to have someone to talk to."
A lump rises in my throat. I used to be that person, but I don"t know what I am to her anymore.
We sit in silence for a few moments. I figure she needs to hear it. "Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?" I try with every ounce of strength I have to not cry. But I think back to that day and what happened.
I walked into practice fifteen minutes late and I felt like c.r.a.p.
"Sorry I"m late," I said. So it"s not like I didn"t say I was sorry.
"Dude, did you just wake up in a gutter?" Jack asked.
I knew I was a wreck. I hadn"t slept in days, my hair was a mess, I hadn"t shaved, my clothes were wrinkled and dirty.
"No," I told them. "Kelsey and I broke up."
n.o.body said anything.
"For real this time. I screwed up. What a shock, Ethan screwed up. I told her everything that happened after last week"s gig. About that girl. Whose name I can"t even remember. I"m devastated. I threw away everything for someone whose name I don"t even remember. I shouldn"t have had those drinks before the gig. I just needed to get some courage. It was our biggest gig ever, you know?"
More silence.
"What? Am I missing something?"
They all exchanged glances. Ben finally was the one to speak. "Well, I mean, it isn"t the first time you guys have broken up. Or the first time you cheated ..."
Jack broke in. "Yeah, like every song you write is about it."
"But we"re really done this time. There"s no way she"s going to take me back."
Ben sighed. "Doesn"t she always?"
Emme let out a laugh. "Yeah, but she shouldn"t."
"Oh! Burn!" Jack went to put his hand up to give Emme a high five, but she shrugged instead.
"I"m sorry, is this funny?" I couldn"t believe that, out of everyone, Emme would take Kelsey"s side in this.
"No, not at all." Emme rubbed her eyes. "It"s not funny. It"s exhausting, Ethan. We go through this all the time. So just write your forgiveness song so we can move on."
"Like it"s that simple? Emme, really? How can you be so cold to me?"
Emme"s face got flushed. "Get over yourself, Ethan."
"What?"
She got up. "How can I be so cold? Am I the one who continually cheats on my girlfriend? That"s cold."
I stared at her. I"d never heard her say anything negative about anybody. Ever. Did she really think that about me?
"You know what gets me? You really are an amazing person, seriously. I used to respect you so much."
The words used to stung.
"You"re one of my closest friends, but when I think about the stuff you do ... sometimes I don"t know why I trust you so much. I"ve never met anybody who hurts someone as much as you do. And now you"ve started drinking and doing G.o.d knows what before our shows. You"ve become so unpredictable onstage, we never know what you"re going to do."
This riled me up. "Okay, so first I"m too quiet, now I"m too unpredictable. Can I ever do anything right?"
"Don"t blame your behavior on us. Take responsibility for once."
"This isn"t easy for me, you know."
Emme got in my face. "I"ll make it easy for you. STOP CHEATING."
We were all surprised by Emme screaming. Jack, who is always smiling, looked stunned.
"Just STOP IT. Oh, you don"t know how you can get her back? STOP CHEATING, Ethan! It"s not that hard. Really, it isn"t. Or, better yet, stop getting back together and making promises you can"t keep."
I tried to defend myself, but came up blank.
"You want to know what I think?" Emme asked.
Normally, the answer would have been yes, but not at that moment.
"You do this to yourself, put your finger repeatedly on the self-destruct b.u.t.ton because you need it to write. It would be fine if you weren"t bringing others down with you. Have you for once thought about how it must feel for Kelsey? All you do is think about yourself, what a mess you"re in. Your pain. But what about Kelsey? The one YOU cheat on? She probably agonizes every time she can"t come to one of our shows, because of what happens when she doesn"t come. You CHEAT. You take whatever girl comes along and pays you a compliment and you forget about Kelsey.
"But lately that hasn"t been enough, has it? You need more things to feel sorry for yourself about, so you go get drunk. It"s like you"re afraid of being alone or coherent so you can deal with whatever is the real problem you have. And I feel sorry for you about that. But only for that. For the rest of the stuff, I"m just sick of it.
"We all are. So just figure it out, because I can"t do this anymore if you"re going to continue to be like this."
I looked around to see Jack and Ben nodding.
"Honestly, Ethan, I don"t know who you are anymore. But whoever this is, I don"t like him very much."
I didn"t know how to react or what to say. I still don"t. All I do know is that it has been weeks and it"s still awkward. We both stare at each other. Once again, there"s tension between us.
"You really did hurt me," I say. "But I needed to hear it. You were right, and I think I"ve been better. Or at least I"ve tried to be."
She nods.
"I"m not falling into my old traps. I"m not making any promises I can"t keep. I"m not drinking or doing anything that affects the band on or off the stage in a negative way."
She keeps nodding.
"You said what you had to say because you care about me. So that"s what I"m doing now. Sort of returning the favor."
Emme looks up at me for the first time. "What does any of this have to do with Carter?"
"It doesn"t. It has to do with the senior project."
"Oh." I don"t know what she thought I was going to say, but that certainly wasn"t it.
"I guess it"s pretty obvious that we"ll be working on our projects together." She nods in agreement. "And I"m more than happy to have you record your songs here, but I have one condition."
She looks at me quizzically.
"You have to sing your songs."
She gets up. "Ethan, you know I can"t sing."
"No, I don"t know that. Because you can sing. You don"t seem to realize that, because someone"s been brainwashing you all these years into thinking that she"s the superior singer."
She clenches her jaw. "You"ve made your thoughts on Sophie abundantly clear. But she is the better singer."
"Your songs would be a million times better if you sang them. Those songs are your heart and soul. You"re lending them to somebody who could never have as much heart as you have, even if she tried."
"I can"t -"
I cut her off. "You"ve got to step up, Emme. You"ve got to let people hear your voice, hear you. You"re better than being stuck in the background."
I take her hands.
"You"re my best friend. You"re the most remarkable person in my life. And ... I want you to believe in yourself as much as I do. I told you that I"m not making any promises that I can"t keep. So here"s a promise to you. I will be there with you every step of the way and do whatever I can to help."
I reach up and wipe away the tear that has begun to work its way down her cheek.
"I don"t think I can do it," she says quietly.
"Yes, you can."
I kiss her lightly on her forehead and wrap my arms around her.
I know she"s scared. Singing in front of an audience is intimidating. But if I can do it, she can.
I did it for her. Pretty much everything I"ve done out of my comfort zone, I"ve done for Emme.
The voices in my head quiet significantly as I sit there with her.
There is only one voice left.
There is only one thing left to say to her. But I"ve used up all my courage.
So as I hold her, I think in my head: Emme Connelly, I love you. And I"ve been in love with you since the first day we met.
Okay, so not everything has gone according to my Plan. It"s my senior year, my last chance to make a statement at this school. To stand out. To be a star.
So, no, my Plan hasn"t worked out. But there is no Plan B.
I don"t know where it all went wrong. At this point, I was supposed to be the biggest star in the school. The one that the entire incoming freshman cla.s.s would follow around and aspire to be.
But no, I"m stuck in some cruel otherworld where the tables have turned and I"m the one forced to practically beg Emme for help. And the cruel irony of it all is that I"M the person who had to basically drag her here kicking and screaming. And what does she do to repay me? She goes off and becomes part of a band that everybody here seems to love.
The least she could do at this point is help me get the part in A Little Night Music.
"Are you sure I can"t help?" Amanda offers. "I can practice the songs with you."
I turn my back to her as I examine my closet. "You"re so sweet, Mandy. It"s just that Emme"s in the band and will be playing during the auditions, so she"s got the inside edge that I need to nail the part."
I start to rummage through my closet for the perfect audition outfit. I"m so sick of all my clothes. For whatever reason, Carter doesn"t want to go to any openings or premieres lately, so I haven"t had an excuse to beg my parents for money for a new outfit.
I"m so sick of begging people for help. Just wait until I"m out of CPA and become a star. They"ll all come groveling to me to thank them when I win my Best New Artist Grammy.
"You"ll totally get the part, Soph. You"re the most amazing singer in the entire school. Sarah Moffitt -"
I turn around quickly and snap at Amanda, "I thought we"d agreed to not mention that name."
Amanda shuts her big mouth.
Sarah Moffitt. For whatever reason, she"s been every teacher"s favorite student since day one. It"s like some Big Conspiracy Against Sophie. She"s given all the lead parts. She"s not even that good a singer. Sure, she has better range than I do. So what? She has, like, zero stage presence.
I made sure she was auditioning for a different role before I signed up for Desiree. (Of course she"s chosen Madame Armfeldt - if she wants to play my mother, an old hag, that"s fine by me.) She"s been handed every role we"ve competed against. What ticked me off the most was last year, she got to play Rizzo in Grease while I had to be Frenchy. I didn"t get any solos to sing. It was annoying. But now we"re seniors and have to fight over the lead parts. I chose Desiree because of the song "Send in the Clowns." It will be my moment to shine. Every teacher who has placed me as "average" - a word that I do not identify with and never have - will see that I belong in the Senior Showcase.