"Everything you"re doing. The excitement and the meetings, the connections with people in the industry. The screening at Kendall"s house, the socializing with the likes of Stephanie Fitzgerald and Brandon Paul." She faced him. "Doesn"t it ever feel a little surreal?"
Chase thought about that for a long moment. "Not really." He met her eyes. "We prayed for this, all of us. Remember that? Day after day, months at a time. Now that G.o.d"s answering us, I guess I only feel grateful."
She nodded, but she could feel her smile drop off. He returned to packing, talking about the conversation he"d had with Kendall and Brandon Paul"s agent and how excited the young actor was to star in Unlocked, and how Stephanie Fitzgerald had texted him. Actually texted him! And how she was thrilled for the chance to preview his work Monday night at Kendall"s.
Kelly studied him as he talked and packed, moving about the room with the energy of someone setting off for a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Something about him seemed different, more confident maybe. Better than having him down and discouraged, wallowing in fear of defeat, she supposed. But still, there were moments when she felt like she was watching someone else"s husband get ready to leave. The energy in his face, the speed in his steps, the enthusiasm in his voice. And the realization that she had no real part in his excitement.
Suddenly a handful of scenarios ran through her head. Chase arriving in Los Angeles and being seduced by the Hollywood lifestyle, wanting to stay longer than a week, and maybe renting a place so he wouldn"t have to commute. She pictured him coming home and telling her that he was going to stay at Stephanie"s house, or maybe Kendall"s. He would call and tell her he"d had it with her discouragement and that he was frustrated at her weight gain. Maybe he and Brandon Paul would hit it off and Chase"s photo would be in the next round of gossip rags.
"Kelly?" Chase was standing there, his lips slightly parted, a baffled look on his face. "I was talking to you."
"Sorry." She took another deep breath and found the energy to cross the room again. She dropped once more on the edge of the bed and looked at him. "What"d you say?"
"I asked if the girls had anything special going on this week."
Kelly stared at him, not sure if he was serious or not. "Other than Molly"s fifth birthday on Friday, you mean?"
"Uh ..." Chase blinked and stuttered a bit. "Exactly. Other than that."
"You forgot."
"I did not." He turned back to the suitcase and sifted through what he"d already packed. "I was distracted, that"s all."
"You forgot about your daughter"s birthday, Chase. Just admit it." The anger building inside her was the first strong emotion she"d felt all day. It made her feel better, like she at least had control over this.
"I"m busy, okay." His happiness took a momentary backseat to his impatience. "Of course I know when Molly"s birthday is. I just forgot it was already coming up this week, that"s all."
"Well, it is." Kelly"s enthusiasm for an argument died a quick death. "You"ll be home by then. Don"t worry about it, Chase. I"ll make sure everything"s set up. A few presents, balloons, a cake and ice cream. The works. All you have to do is be home from Hollywood."
"Thanks." He maintained his frown, clearly concerned with himself for losing track of the weeks. But after a few seconds, he motioned to the bedroom door. "I need a few things from the kitchen. I"ll be right back."
For a panicky instant, she wondered if he"d find her cookie dough, but then she relaxed. Not where she hid it in the back of the refrigerator. No one would look there. She stood and walked to the mirror atop their secondhand bedroom dresser. One side of the oak-wood frame was scratched, but otherwise it served its purpose. Kelly could get a look at herself coming and going, marking each day how she got a little farther from her normal weight, a little more out of control. She stared at herself, at the way her sides had filled out and her hips had rounded from her waist.
Why am I doing this to myself, G.o.d? She looked into her own eyes and waited. But she heard no divine answers, nothing but the roar of shame and guilt that came with every day she delayed the turnaround. The strange thing was she really didn"t want to eat the junk. Honestly, nothing she"d slipped into her mouth had tasted good enough to swap out her health and appearance. But she ate, regardless. Ate almost as if she wanted to kill herself with the food. Or at least kill something about herself. Because when she was bent on eating like this, there was never enough chocolate, enough cookie dough or ice cream bars to fill whatever cavernous hole she was trying to fill. She wasn"t hungry, she was broken. Too discouraged to see the sunshine outside.
She heard Chase"s returning, and she stepped away from the mirror. Better not to let him catch her looking. The moment might give him pause to reflect on how she"d changed. The lie she told herself was this: if she didn"t attract attention to herself, then maybe he wouldn"t notice what was happening. In a moment like this it was a lie she believed, so she moved away from the mirror just before he reached the bedroom door.
"Vitamins!" He held up a bottle of One A Days and then tossed it in his open suitcase. "Can"t forget these!" He hummed as he grabbed a bag of deodorant and toothpaste from the bathroom.
How is he so happy? she asked herself. Doesn"t he see I"m falling apart? She watched him, but he was again bouncing-off-the-ceiling happy, looking forward to seeing where G.o.d would take their filmmaking, thrilled about spending a week with Keith and Kendall and his new friends. Kelly and her insecurities, her doubts and discouragement, were nowhere on his radar. For that matter, neither were the girls.
Molly and Macy ran into the room, Macy chasing after her older sister and screaming for the doll in Molly"s hands. "Mine!" Her voice pierced the air. "My baby!"
"It is not!" Molly held it high, just out of Macy"s reach. "It"s mine, Mommy. Everyone knows she"s mine."
Chase seemed oblivious, packing his shaver into a carry case. Kelly sighed and stooped down to Macy"s eye level. "You have the baby with the blue dress. Remember?"
Macy stuck out her lip. "I want that one!"
Kelly thought about how much she was like her youngest daughter, wanting the junk food she couldn"t have. It was a problem as old as the Garden of Eden. She pulled Macy close and smoothed her blonde hair. "The pink baby belongs to Molly." She kept her voice calm, something she was working on with the girls. "Now let"s go get your dolly, okay?"
With her options dwindling, Macy hesitated for only a few seconds. Then she slipped her hand in Kelly"s and stuck out her chin at her sister. "I have Mommy."
Molly looked concerned until Kelly sighed. "You both have me, and I have both of you." She smiled at the girls and then walked Macy to their bedroom and found the blue baby doll. "See?" She held it out for Macy. "This one"s best for you, because she"s yours."
Macy clung to the doll and pressed it against her face. "Mine."
Kelly dropped to her daughter"s bed and closed her eyes. These days her body rode a wild rollercoaster, full of energy one minute, followed by a crash so low she barely had energy to walk through the house. This was one of those moments. Molly skipped into the room, her doll clutched tight to her middle. "See, Macy, that baby"s yours."
No longer intent on arguing, Macy only clung to her doll more tightly. "Mine," she said again.
"Girls." Kelly"s eyes were open now. "Let"s remember that we love each other. You girls are best friends, so let"s treat each other that way. That"s what Jesus would want." Kelly felt like a hypocrite even as the words pa.s.sed between her lips. What Jesus would want? Had she even thought about such a thing these past few months? The real issue was her relationship with Chase. What if things did work out for the guys? The risk would shift from a financial struggle to a moral one. What if Chase became too friendly with the beautiful Kendall Adams? Or what if they were suddenly rolling in the money? How could they live a high-end Hollywood lifestyle and still care about the souls of people?
All of it scared Kelly, and drove her to bury her feelings rather than take her doubts to Chase, or even to G.o.d.
"Honey? I gotta go," Chase called to her from the kitchen.
"Come on, girls." Kelly felt a hundred years old as she rose to her feet. "Let"s say good-bye to Daddy."
"But ..." Molly"s eyes grew wide with concern. "He can"t leave. This week is my birthday."
"He"ll be back by then." Kelly hoped her smile brought Molly the a.s.surance she needed.
The three of them walked to the kitchen and exchanged a round of hugs with Chase. The buzz of excitement still emanated from him, as if he couldn"t wait to get on the road.
"What"s the plan for tonight?" Kelly faced him, her arms folded in front of her.
"We"re going over the first draft of the screenplay for Unlocked. We won"t get through it all, but we have most of tomorrow too. Then tomorrow night"s the screening at Kendall"s."
Kelly nodded slowly. She"d never met Kendall, but she"d googled her and seen pictures. The girl was young, blonde, and stunning - full of the enthusiasm Kelly couldn"t quite muster. Everything about her seemed to represent the glitz of Hollywood and the lure of filmmaking. Kelly sighed and tentatively eased her arms around Chase"s waist. "Drive safely."
"We will." He lifted her chin with his forefinger. "You okay?"
"Fine." She found the practiced smile, the one that always seemed to make him stop asking questions. "I"m happy for you."
"I want you to be happy for us. Me and you. If things keep going like this, a year from now we could be in LA. None of these trips."
Kelly tried to picture fitting in with the Hollywood set, starving herself into size-5 jeans and dying her hair blonde like Kendall"s. She would never fit in, and then what? How could she and Chase continue if he wanted that world and she felt alienated by it? She maintained her smile. "Whatever you want, Chase."
"Not me." He leaned in and kissed her softly. "It"s what G.o.d wants. Every prayer we"ve lifted to Him, He"s answering for us. You watch." His eyes shone. "We"re going to do this, baby. We"re going to change the world with the power of film. G.o.d"s letting it happen."
"Then ... I"ll keep praying." It was the one thing she could do, even when she didn"t feel like talking to G.o.d. She would pray. And maybe tomorrow she would toss the junk and try to eat better - salmon and broccoli, egg whites and vegetables, yogurt and flaxseed. She knew the drill. Now she only had to want it badly enough to change.
Chase pulled his suitcase to the front door and gave them all another round of good-byes. "I"ll call when we get in tonight."
"You"re staying at the Georgian again?" Kelly swung Macy up onto her hip.
"Yes. Same place, same room. Our home away from home."
Turned out Ben Adams knew the owner of the Georgian, so now the guys were getting a much lower rate. A good thing, since their savings were gone and they still had another few months of screenings before a studio might reimburse them for the money they"d invested in The Last Letter. Chase hoped that if Brandon Paul liked the movie well enough, they"d get a screening with NTM"s home entertainment division, and maybe the film giant would pick up the movie. It was one more area they were praying about.
Kelly, Molly, and Macy stood on the front step and waved as Chase drove away in his used four-door. The girls then wanted to go out back and play on the swings. "Push us, Mommy! Please!" Kelly opened the door for them and promised to be out in a few minutes. When she was alone, she pulled a bowl of M&Ms from the cupboard and set it on the counter. She needed energy if she was going to handle another week of single parenting. She grabbed a small handful of the candies and popped them in her mouth.
"Mommy!" Her girls squealed with delight as she came into view. The yard was small and boxy, the swing set a rusted leftover from the last tenant. But the girls didn"t care. For them it was paradise, a playground within a few running steps of the back door. "Push us, Mommy!" Molly was trying to pump her little legs, but she wasn"t getting very high.
"Push!" Macy was sitting in the swing next to her sister, clinging to the chains so she wouldn"t fall off.
"Hey, not fair. It"s my turn!" Molly whined and stuck out her lower lip.
"You"ll each get turns." Kelly gave her oldest daughter a look. "You have to be patient with your sister." Kelly pushed Macy a minute or so, and then stepped to the side and pushed Molly. "See ... you each get turns."
While she pushed the girls, Kelly noticed that the yard was overgrown again. But the mower needed new blades or a tune-up. One more thing they couldn"t afford. That, and both girls had dentist appointments tomorrow - which meant a fifteen-dollar copay each. She blinked back tears as she kept pushing. Dear G.o.d, I feel so overwhelmed. Please, help me get through this. I can"t do this by myself.
Precious daughter, you"re not alone. I am with you always.
The reminder rang clear and true across the lonely places in her heart. On the mission field she"d heard G.o.d"s voice constantly. But here He was easily drowned out by the noise of merely living. Fresh peace cast light across the moment. Thank You, Lord ... for seeing me here, for caring.
"I"m swinging higher than you, Macy." Molly stuck her chin out and kicked her feet high into the air.
"Nah-uh! I"m higher too!"
"Time for a break." Kelly straightened and pressed her hand to her lower back. She hoped for another gentle whisper, but not over the bickering of her little daughters. "Let"s go inside and color."
The girls hesitated, but then they grinned at each other, slid down off the swings, and ran laughing into the house, their petty arguments forgotten. Kelly raked her fingers through her shoulder-length dark hair and followed them.
Inside, Molly raced into the kitchen and immediately found the bowl of candy. "Hey!" She pointed to the bowl. "It"s M-a-Ms." She giggled. "That"s better than coloring, don"t you think so?"
Heat rushed to Kelly"s cheeks, but she recovered quickly. Molly didn"t understand the idea of hiding food, so she wouldn"t connect the fact that candy was out now that Daddy was gone. "Candy"s for special times." She slid the bowl toward the back of the counter, partly behind a plant and definitely out of sight from the girls" heights. She wanted her girls to eat healthy, to grow up avoiding the junk food that had so often trapped Kelly. "Maybe a few pieces after lunch."
"Mommm." Molly"s whine was quick and incessant. "Please, can we have some now?"
"Later." She put her hands on her hips. "And never if you keep whining like that."
Molly took a few seconds to transition, but then she found her happiest, sweetest smile. "Okay, Mommy. Sorry about the whining."
A half an hour of coloring and Kelly was settling the girls down in front of a rerun episode of Bear in the Big Blue House when the phone rang. Kelly spotted Chase"s phone number on the caller ID, and she smiled. Of course. He would be calling to apologize for not realizing the sacrifices she was making. He was having all the fun, and she was doing the work. Certainly an hour on the road would"ve been long enough to realize his mistake.
"h.e.l.lo?" Her voice was pleasant, understanding. "Chase?"
"I"m sorry, babe." He sounded more frustrated than repentant. "Kendall just called. She"s arranged a meeting with Brandon and his agent for Friday - it"s the only day they"re both available."
Her blood ran cold. "Molly"s birthday?"
"Yes." His sigh rattled across the phone line. "I"m so sorry. Let"s celebrate it Sunday, after I get home."
"She"s not two, Chase. She knows what day she turns five, and she"ll know you missed it."
"What can I do?" His tone held an edge, as if he didn"t expect an argument. "I"d be there if I could, you know that. It"s not like -"
"What?"
"Come on, Kelly." A softness crept back into his voice. "I hate this as much as you do. It"s a sacrifice we need to make."
"We?" The week ahead loomed like a series of cloudy, gray afternoons without the slightest chance of sunshine. "Fine, Chase. Whatever you have to do."
For a long while he didn"t say anything. She could hear the rush of wind and traffic in the background, and finally he groaned quietly. "I"m doing my best, baby. You gotta believe that."
Molly and Macy were sitting in the living room, their arms around each other"s necks, glued to the TV. The three of them would get through the week, and Kelly would have to come out whole on the other end. What choice did she have? She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I believe you."
"Okay, then." He sounded relieved. "Let"s talk later tonight."
The conversation ended, and Kelly felt the beginning of tears. How could she explain that she didn"t want to run their home by herself, that she was tired of being a single mom so much of the time. With all the great news about The Last Letter and Unlocked, there were still no guarantees. And every step of the way seemed to take Chase further from her, further from the simple missionary life they"d once shared.
G.o.d ... are You there? Really? She sniffed and listened, but this time there was nothing. No response, no Bible verses to lend her wisdom or comfort or peace. Suddenly she felt like running - fast and far, somewhere away from the aging little house. She wanted to open up to Chase, but she wouldn"t think of telling him about her spiraling battle with discouragement. Depression, even. He wouldn"t want to come home at all. But that meant she had little to say. Not to him, and not to herself. She grabbed another fistful of M&Ms and downed them in a single motion. Then she walked to the back of the house, stared out the window, and cried. Not just because of the dark place she"d worked her way into.
But because she no longer knew how to find her way to the light.
KEITH WATCHED HIS FRIEND CLICK HIS cell phone shut and drop it back down on the console between the two seats. A ripple of alarm wrapped around his heart and tightened a little. "How"s she doing?" Keith was driving this first leg of the trip. He glanced at Chase, studying his frustration.
"Not happy." Chase anch.o.r.ed his elbow on the window frame and let his head fall into his hands. "Sometimes I think she doesn"t understand. The time away"s hard on me too."
For a while, neither of them said anything. Then Keith took a long breath and stared at the road straight ahead. "My dad used to tell me life was like an uncooked pizza crust."
Chase gave him a side glance.
"Think about it." Keith sat back in his seat, one hand on the wheel. There was no traffic, and this far out of San Jose the afternoon was blue skies and mid-seventies. He adjusted his sungla.s.ses. "You get one ball of dough for life, and you spend your days rolling it out, making it go as far as it can possibly go." He caught another look at Chase. "As you roll the dough, little cracks develop along the edges. Fix them right away, and there"s no problem. But let them go and they"ll rip right through the center of the crust."
"That"s what your dad used to say?" Chase sounded tired.
"Smart man. Used to make homemade pizza for us once a week. Told the story just about every time." Keith pictured his father, rolling out the crust and stopping every minute or so to fix the edges. "Cracks are like that in pizza and in life. Catch them early, or lose everything you worked for."
Chase dropped his hands to his lap and narrowed his eyes. "Cracks." He angled himself so he could see Keith better. "Like the one between Kelly and me?"
"Exactly." Keith didn"t want to make the moment too dramatic. Chase had been struggling in his relationship with Kelly for a while now, and always they seemed to work things out. But if a crack was developing, now was the time to fix it. His expression grew more serious. "Whatever you have to do, Chase, whatever it is, take care of the crack. You and Kelly, your marriage, your family. It"s more important than the whole ball of dough. Know what I mean?"
Slowly, Chase nodded. He turned and looked out the side window and again there was quiet in the car. Keith was fine with the lack of conversation. Maybe G.o.d was giving Chase a picture in his mind: the pizza maker, rolling out the dough and stopping along the way to smooth out the cracks.
G.o.d, speak to him. Give him wisdom where Kelly is concerned. We"ve come too far to let this movie-making hurt things at home for either of us. Please, G.o.d.
I am with you, Son. I am the strong tower you can run to in troubled times. I am here.
The silent answer resonated in Keith"s heart, the way it often did. He didn"t care if Chase thought the a.n.a.logy about the pizza crust a little hokey. It was a visual that worked, one that had stayed with Keith since his boyhood days. Keith wasn"t truly worried about Chase"s marriage. Not now. But that was the beauty of saying something early. Trouble had been splintering the edges for Chase and Kelly long enough. The time had come to do some mending, or watch something far worse develop.
A split that neither of them could repair.