Laurie squeezed her hand and the two of them made iced tea in the kitchen. Spring was finally in the air after a long and mostly gloomy winter. Now it was late April and temperatures were already pushing eighty. Molly and Macy were practically desperate to get outside and try Molly"s new bicycle, the one she"d gotten for her birthday. They"d waited until Chase was home for her to open it - partly because he"d needed to a.s.semble it and partly because it made everyone feel like he hadn"t missed Molly"s birthday. But he"d missed it. Kelly was still frustrated about the fact.
They took their drinks outside to the small front porch. Macy laid a blanket out on the front yard, where she and her pink baby doll sat side by side. "Ready, Molly. Show me how!"
""Kay, watch me!" Molly had walked her bike down to the driveway next door and now she was making her way toward them. The bike had training wheels, but they were adjusted high on the bike to give Molly as much a feel of a real ride as possible.
"The girls seem well." Laurie sat in the chair farthest from the sidewalk - in case Kelly needed to get to the girls quickly.
"They are." Kelly shrugged, hating the feeling strangling her heart. "They"re doing great, completely unconcerned." She positioned her chair so the sun was on her face, and she slipped on a pair of sungla.s.ses. "I guess this is our normal now."
"Life has a way of doing that, giving us a new normal just when we thought we had things all figured out." Laurie smiled. "The key to life isn"t looking for a safe sameness with every pa.s.sing season. It"s learning to enjoy the ride, whatever the next turn in the road might bring. Believing that G.o.d"s driving, and He"ll get us home safely - however b.u.mpy the trip."
Kelly played her friend"s words over in her head again. "Hmmm. Sounds nice."
"Because it"s true." Laurie took a drink of her iced tea. "Sometimes ... it isn"t the circ.u.mstances, but us." She winced a little. "Know what I mean?"
Of course she did. Kelly managed a sad laugh. "It"s definitely me this time. I"m eating all wrong, and telling myself the wrong things about my marriage. I haven"t jogged or walked or done a sit-up in months. I can barely get out of bed. Every night I promise myself it"ll be different tomorrow, but morning comes and it"s the same old routine." Her voice cracked and she had to swallow a few times. "I can"t see my way out."
"Have you talked to Chase?"
"He"s in his own world. He doesn"t know what it takes to run things all alone. Besides, he doesn"t want to be bogged down with my troubles."
Molly was riding faster now. She was coming from the right, picking up speed and waving as she rode. "Hi, Mommy! Look!"
"That"s great, sweetie. Thataway! We"ll have those training wheels off in no time." Kelly could turn on her enthusiasm for the girls. Very few people knew that she was dying inside, and even here with Laurie, she didn"t want to be entirely honest.
"My turn." Macy stood, her doll forgotten. She watched her sister ride past and then turn around. This time as Molly blazed down the sidewalk toward them, Macy ran out and used her body to create a roadblock. With her legs spread, arms out, she shouted at Molly. "Stop, now! My turn!"
But as good as Molly was at picking up speed, she had far less practice at stopping. "Macy! Move!"
Kelly saw the accident coming. "Macy!"
Her younger daughter looked toward the front porch just as Molly lost control of her bike. Rather than plow straight into her sister, Molly jerked the handlebars to the left and flipped her bike on top of herself. A shrill scream followed, the kind that told everyone something was seriously wrong. Macy knew instantly that the crash was her fault. She covered her mouth with both hands and gasped loud enough for all of them to hear - even above Molly"s cries. "Molly ... sorry! Sorry, Molly."
Kelly and Laurie were both on their feet running toward Molly, but Kelly reached her first. With a strength she wasn"t feeling, she lifted the bike from her daughter"s crumpled body and tossed it on the gra.s.s. "Molly, baby! Are you okay?"
Molly rolled onto her back and some of her injuries were immediately transparent. She had a sc.r.a.ped cheek and a cut on her forearm.
"Her arm doesn"t look right." Laurie pointed to Molly"s right forearm. "See there, how it"s at an angle?"
Kelly didn"t have to look very hard. No question Molly"s arm bone was positioned in a way that was grotesquely abnormal. Macy started crying, her hands still over her mouth. "Sorry, Molly!"
Molly"s screams quieted, but she was still crying hard, her sobs shaking her small frame. "M-m-my arm!" She held out the word arm, letting it fill the air like a desperate plea. "It hur-r-r-ts!"
Kelly didn"t have to ask Laurie if she thought her daughter"s arm was broken. But Kelly wasn"t sure what to do next - whether to take Molly inside or try to wrap the arm, and how she was going to calm down Macy in the meantime. Her breathing came faster, and pain gripped her chest. Get a grip, Kelly. But even as she ordered herself, she felt a layer of sweat building on her forehead. Why couldn"t she breathe? Panic raced through her, flooding her veins.
"Kelly?" Laurie looked hard at her. "You"re okay. Breathe out."
"I ... I can"t."
"My arrrmmm!" Molly"s sobs were growing loud again. "Mommy, make it stop!"
"Sorry, Molly!" Macy paced a few steps in either direction, her hands over her face.
She couldn"t do this, couldn"t handle it. Not another minute. "No." Kelly shook her head at Laurie. "I ... I can"t ... breathe."
"You can." Laurie remained calm. She stared straight into Kelly"s eyes and put a hand on her shoulder. "Exhale."
Another series of gasps and Kelly felt herself getting dizzy, losing consciousness. "I ... can"t."
Laurie rubbed her hand along Kelly"s back. "Breathe out. You"re going to be fine. Come on. Purse your lips and push out the air." Laurie paused. "Dear Lord, we need You here. Please, give Kelly peace. Help her breathe."
Kelly did as she was told. She exhaled through pursed lips. At first only a small amount of air slipped through, but gradually, with each breath, she felt herself grow calmer. The whole time Laurie prayed, Molly waited for someone to help her, and Macy cried out her apologies.
With her breathing more normal, the panic subsided enough that Kelly could kneel by Molly and stroke her hair. "It"s okay, baby. It"ll be okay."
Laurie was the first one with a plan. "Why don"t you take her to Emergency. I"ll stay here with Macy."
The idea was the only one that made sense. Kelly tried to concentrate, but lately her mind had been a jumble of emotions that couldn"t be captured or tamed. Life happened pretty much in a fog around her.
She ran inside, grabbed a spray bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some cotton pads and hurried back to Molly, still lying on the ground crying. "Here, baby. This won"t hurt too much."
"Noooo." She thrashed about, making the blood on her cheek run halfway down her face. "Please, Mommy ... No more!"
In the background, Kelly could see Laurie take hold of Macy"s hand and lead her into the house. Kelly stared at Molly, at the blood on her face and the strange angle of her forearm. What am I doing? The doctor can clean up her cheek. I need to get her to the hospital. She ran halfway to the house and then stopped and turned around again. She couldn"t leave Molly here on the sidewalk. She dropped the spray bottle and cotton pads and held her hand out to Molly. "Baby, you have to get up. We need to go to the doctor"s."
"My aaaarrrm." Molly was sobbing harder now. "It huurrrts."
"I know, sweetie. The doctor will help." She crouched down and took hold of Molly"s left arm. Gently, carefully she eased her daughter to her feet. "Want me to carry you?"
"Y-y-y-es!"
Molly was still very light, but now Kelly wasn"t sure she had the strength or energy to pick her up. She stooped down and tried her hardest to bounce Molly up onto her hip. But instead Molly slid back to the ground, still crying. Kelly"s heart responded by racing into double-time. "Please, Mommy ... I can"t walk!"
For a few seconds, Kelly once more felt nothing but sheer panic. If Chase were here he would sweep their daughter up into his arms and they"d already be on their way. "Okay, baby. Mommy"s gonna try again."
This time Kelly swung Molly onto her hip, but as she stood and took a few steps, her heart slammed around in her chest. If she carried her daughter all the way to the car, she wondered if she might have a heart attack. She stopped, out of breath, and set Molly down. "I need you to walk, baby. Mommy doesn"t feel good."
Something in Kelly"s tone must"ve convinced Molly that she needed to do her part. Together they walked to the car and Kelly buckled Molly into her booster seat. Only then did she realize she didn"t have her keys. "I"ll be right back."
"No ... Nooooo, don"t go!" Molly shrieked, straining against the belt. "My aaaarm!"
Kelly could still hear her screaming as she ran inside, grabbed her purse, and flew back out to the driver"s seat. "I"m here now, baby. Mommy"s back."
Molly was sobbing so hard she could barely breathe, and she didn"t get any calmer the entire way to the hospital. The whole way Kelly fought from slipping into another full-blown panic attack. She parked and once they were inside a nurse met them in the lobby with a wheelchair.
"She ... she fell off her bike." Kelly felt like she was hyperventilating. This sometimes happened when she ate too many sweets in one day, but never in combination with an emergency. She wondered if she would pa.s.s out and fall to the ground right here in the emergency room lobby. "She ... she ..."
Kelly tried to breathe, but she couldn"t. Her lungs wouldn"t take in a full breath, and black spots were circling on the perimeter of her vision. The nurse seemed to sense Kelly was on the verge of hysteria. She motioned to someone behind the desk. "I need an examination room for the girl." Then she put her hand on Kelly"s back. "Everything"s going to be okay. I want you to exhale a few times nice and slow. Then you can tell me what happened."
Kelly felt like she was going to be sick. Whatever she"d eaten that day, it wasn"t helping. She was winded and heavy and unable to handle the emergency playing out around her. What if it were worse? What if Molly had hit her head? Would Kelly be so disabled that she"d slip into cardiac arrest, unable to a.s.sist her daughter? This is it, G.o.d. I can"t live like this anymore. I"ve got to get control again - I"m finished with this craziness. I need You to help me be finished with it. I feel like I"m dying and I can"t even think clearly.
"Breathe out ..." The nurse sounded like she was losing patience. A second nurse joined them and carefully pushed Molly through the emergency room door.
"Mommmy!"
Kelly felt faint. Help me, G.o.d ... I can"t do this! The nurse"s voice was very near her face, and finally Kelly did the same thing she"d done before with Laurie, pursing her lips and forcing a few breaths. After the third, she felt herself begin to calm down - just enough so she could finally inhale. As soon as she wasn"t worried about pa.s.sing out, she tried to shake off her own panic and she took her place next to Molly. "It"s okay, baby." She sounded weak, but she wasn"t leaving her daughter again. "Mommy"s here."
"It hurts." Molly stuck her lip out, her little chest still convulsing from the sobs.
They hurried into a room, and a doctor made a quick decision that Molly needed a spoonful of liquid acetaminophen for her pain and an X ray. Kelly walked with her to the room, but she had to stand back with the technician during the actual picture-taking. Her absence only made Molly cry harder, and in the distant places of her mind Kelly had a random thought. What was Chase doing right now? Sitting in some meeting at some major studio, wasn"t that it? He would have no idea that his family was in the middle of a crisis.
She waited until the X ray was finished and she and Molly were alone in the examining room before she took the receiver off the wall and dialed Chase"s cell. It rang two times, three, and after the fourth it went to his voicemail. Kelly waited for the beep. "Chase, it"s me." She sounded exhausted and still a little panicky. "Molly fell off her bike and maybe broke her arm. Call me, okay? We"re at the hospital."
The diagnosis didn"t take long. By then, the emergency room doctor had stabilized Molly"s arm in a loose splint, and she"d fallen asleep, exhausted from the pain and the sobbing. The doctor pulled up a chair opposite Kelly and checked the chart he was holding. "Molly has a severe fracture in her forearm. It"s quite bad, actually. With something like this, there"s really only one way to set it, and that"s through surgery."
Surgery? Kelly felt her heartbeat pick up speed again. Molly needed surgery? With Chase gone? The black spots danced into view again and she tried to remember Laurie"s advice. Exhale. Force yourself to exhale. Please, G.o.d ... get me through this.
I am with you, daughter ... through even this I am with you.
The answer rang clear in her heart even over the sound of the doctor"s voice. Kelly blinked and tried to focus. G.o.d was with her. She could do this.
The doctor explained that with breaks like this, the sooner they could set it the better. "I"ve called in an expert pediatric orthopedist. He can operate this afternoon." He studied her. "Can your husband be here by then?"
"No." She felt sick again. "He won"t be here until late tomorrow. He"s in LA."
"I see." The doctor looked concerned. "Do you think you"ll be okay? I"d like someone to be here with you."
He must"ve heard about her near-fainting episode in the waiting room. She racked her brain, thinking about what to tell him. Laurie was staying with Macy, and she would do so as long as Kelly needed her. Then she remembered. Lisa, of course. Lisa was home this week and she would come in a heartbeat. "I ... I have someone."
"Very well, then."
She nodded, fighting the panic that breathed terrifying possibilities into her heart and mind. The doctor excused himself, and again Kelly took the phone from the wall. Her first call was to Laurie, who was more than willing to look after Macy. "I"ll be here as long as you need me," she said. "And I"ll keep praying."
Next Kelly called Lisa, who promised to be there in twenty minutes.
Finally she tried Chase again. This time he answered on the third ring, his voice quiet and on edge. "What is it Kelly? Is this an emergency?" He obviously hadn"t checked his messages. "We"re almost finished."
For a single instant, Kelly wanted to hang up, tell him never mind. That certainly whatever was happening with the studio was bound to be more important than life back home. But instead she swallowed every sarcastic thought she might"ve voiced and in a tone almost devoid of emotion said only, "Molly broke her arm. We"re at the hospital." She sighed. "She needs surgery in the next few hours to set it."
"What?" The alarm in Chase"s voice brought with it some sense of satisfaction. "How serious is it?" He was still whispering.
"Serious, Chase. She needs surgery."
He released a frustrated sound. "Let me call you after the meeting. It"s almost over."
Kelly felt the room tilt. Was he really saying he"d call her back? When his daughter was lying in a hospital facing surgery? She was furious with him. "Fine." She hung up without saying good-bye and did her best not to slam the phone back onto its place on the wall.
She stood and paced to the door and back again. No wonder she"d been eating everything in sight. How else was she supposed to cope with the stress, the feeling Chase had abandoned them in a quest that had evolved over the last few months? Now his days in LA seemed less about changing the world and more about chasing fame and money. Anything to keep Brandon Paul attached to the next picture.
Molly moaned and rolled a little on the hospital bed. The doctor said he"d give her something to sleep if she woke up. He didn"t want her moving around very much until after the surgery; she could do further damage to her arm. For now, though, Kelly wanted something to help herself calm down. When she was sure Molly wasn"t going to wake up, she took a couple of one-dollar bills from her wallet. Walking quietly so Molly wouldn"t hear, she left the room and went to the nurse"s station. "My daughter"s alone in there. I"ll be right back."
"I"ll check her in a moment." The nurse pointed to a monitor. "I can see her from here; don"t worry."
Kelly nodded and headed out into the hall. When she reached the lobby, she turned away from the front doors and kept walking until she saw the vending machine. She stopped and stared at the food inside. Snickers ... Reese"s Pieces ... Rolos ... two oversized chocolate-chip cookies. Her hands shook as she slid the first dollar into the slot. She wanted every bit of comfort she could get, and she positioned her finger over the letter and number corresponding to the Snickers. She could start there. But just as she was about to push, she felt a physical force holding her back.
She gasped and turned around, expecting to see someone standing there, stopping her from making the purchase. But she was completely alone. She blinked and stared at the machine full of junk. What had stopped her from pushing the b.u.t.ton, and how come she was shaking so hard? Then in a rush she remembered her quick prayer, the one she"d silently uttered while trying not to faint an hour ago. What had she said? That she couldn"t do this anymore, and that she was ready to stop, right? Wasn"t that it? She"d even begged G.o.d to help her be finished with the craziness.
And now ... now something or someone had stopped her.
She lowered her hand and stared at the Snickers bar. She didn"t need candy; she needed a Savior, a strength that went beyond herself. Not tomorrow morning or some other day, but here. Now.
She stepped back from the machine and then, at the last second, she pushed a b.u.t.ton and heard the clank of quarters as they fell into the change dish. All four quarters. She swept them into her hand and without hesitation dropped them, one at a time, into the next machine - the one that held only bottled water.
She took her bottle and walked as quickly as she could back to Molly"s room. Whatever had happened back there, she couldn"t stop to a.n.a.lyze it. Whether the hand of G.o.d had held her back, or whether she"d subconsciously stopped herself, she wasn"t sure. The only thing she knew was this: G.o.d had answered her prayer. Her marriage was on the rocks, and her little girl was about to have surgery. They owed tens of thousands of dollars because of The Last Letter and they"d yet to see more than the slightest bit of repayment for the funds they"d invested. But now, as she headed back to Molly"s side, she had reason to smile because she had found the one thing she desperately needed, the thing she"d lost sight of these last few months.
Her determination to live.
Twenty.
THE MEETING WITH THE STUDIO WAS over, and Chase stood out front of a restaurant across the street, frantic to get hold of Kelly. He tried her cell phone a dozen times before finally calling the three hospitals in the area. On the third try he found her - sitting with Molly in her room. A male nurse patched him through.
"h.e.l.lo?" Kelly sounded angry, but less tired.
"Honey, it"s me." His relief was an almost physical force across the phone lines. He hoped Kelly could tell how badly he wanted to talk to her. "I"ve been calling you for fifteen minutes."
"We can"t use cell phones." She kept her eyes on Molly.
He started to say that he hadn"t even known which hospital they were at, but he stopped himself. None of that mattered now. "So what happened? Start at the beginning."
In a monotone Kelly explained the bike accident. "It could"ve been a lot worse."
"Where"s Macy?" Chase raked his fingers through his hair and leaned against the car. Keith was already inside, waiting for him.
"Laurie"s with her, and Lisa is on her way here."
"Good." He racked his brain. They had come out of the meeting and gone directly to the restaurant. Kendall was on the phone with her father, and Keith had called Lisa. Chase was sitting outside on a patio chair where he"d been since he first started trying to reach Kelly. "They"re sure she needs surgery?"
"The break"s terrible, Chase. One of the worst the doctor"s seen."
Pain sliced through Chase"s gut. His little Molly suffering such a bad injury when he wasn"t home to help her? The meeting had gone brilliantly, but Chase knew better than to say so now. He asked how Molly was doing, and what the time frame was. "I can be home tomorrow evening."
"Tomorrow?" Her single laugh sounded desperate. "What, Chase? What"s so important that you can"t get in your car and drive home now?"