"Woe to us when we lose the watery wall!"
[_MAGA._ SEPTEMBER 1823.]
If e"er that dreadful hour should come--but G.o.d avert the day!-- When England"s glorious flag must bend, and yield old Ocean"s sway; When foreign ships shall o"er that deep, where she is empress, lord; When the cross of red from boltsprit-head is hewn by foreign sword; When foreign foot her quarterdeck with proud stride treads along; When her peaceful ships meet haughty check from hail of foreign tongue;-- One prayer, one only prayer is mine--that, ere is seen that sight, Ere there be warning of that woe, I may be whelmed in night!
If ever other prince than ours wield sceptre o"er that main, Where Howard, Blake, and Frobisher, the Armada smote of Spain; Where Blake, in Cromwell"s iron sway, swept tempest-like the seas, From North to South, from East to West, resistless as the breeze; Where Russell bent great Louis" power, which bent before to none, And crushed his arm of naval strength, and dimmed his Rising Sun-- One prayer, one only prayer is mine--that, ere is seen that sight, Ere there be warning of that woe, I may be whelmed in night!
If ever other keel than ours triumphant plough that brine, Where Rodney met the Count de Gra.s.se, and broke the Frenchman"s line, Where Howe, upon the first of June, met the Jacobins in fight, And with Old England"s loud huzzas broke down their G.o.dless might; Where Jervis at St Vincent"s felled the Spaniards" lofty tiers, Where Duncan won at Camperdown, and Exmouth at Algiers-- One prayer, one only prayer, is mine--that, ere is seen that sight, Ere there be warning of that woe, I may be whelmed in night!
But oh! what agony it were, when we should think on thee, The flower of all the Admirals that ever trod the sea!
I shall not name thy honoured name--but if the white-cliffed Isle Which reared the Lion of the deep, the Hero of the Nile, Him who, "neath Copenhagen"s self, o"erthrew the faithless Dane, Who died at glorious Trafalgar, o"er-vanquished France and Spain, Should yield her power, one prayer is mine--that, ere is seen that sight, Ere there be warning of that woe, I may be whelmed in night!
MY COLLEGE FRIENDS.
CHARLES RUSSELL, THE GENTLEMAN-COMMONER.
[_MAGA._ AUGUST 1846.]
CHAPTER I.
"Have you any idea who that fresh gentleman-commoner is?" said I to Savile, who was sitting next to me at dinner, one day soon after the beginning of term. We had not usually in the college above three or four of that privileged cla.s.s, so that any addition to their table attracted more attention than the arrival of the vulgar herd of freshmen to fill up the vacancies at our own. Unless one of them had choked himself with his mutton, or taken some equally decided mode of making himself an object of public interest, scarcely any man of "old standing" would have even inquired his name.
"Is he one of our men?" said Savile, as he scrutinised the party in question. "I thought he had been a stranger dining with some of them.
Murray, you know the history of every man who comes up, I believe--who is he?"
"His name is Russell," replied the authority referred to; "Charles Wynderbie Russell; his father"s a banker in the city: Russell and Smith, you know, ---- Street."
"Ay, I dare say," said Savile; "one of your rich tradesmen; they always come up as gentlemen-commoners, to show that they have lots of money: it makes me wonder how any man of decent family ever condescends to put on a silk gown." Savile was the younger son of a poor baronet, thirteenth in descent, and affected considerable contempt for any other kind of distinction.
"Oh!" continued Murray, "this man is by no means of a bad family: his father comes of one of the oldest houses in Dorsetshire, and his mother, you know, is one of the Wynderbies of Wynderbie Court--a niece of Lord De Staveley"s."
"_I_ know!" said Savile; "nay, I never heard of Wynderbie Court in my life; but I dare say _you_ know, which is quite sufficient. Really, Murray, you might make a good speculation by publishing a genealogical list of the undergraduate members of the university--birth, parentage, family connections, governors" present incomes, probable expectations, &c. &c. It would sell capitally among the tradesmen--they"d know exactly when it was safe to give credit. You could call it _A Guide to Duns_."
"Or a _History of the_ Un-_landed Gentry_," suggested I.
"Well, he is a very gentlemanlike-looking fellow, that Mr Russell, banker or not," said Savile, as the unconscious subject of our conversation left the hall; "I wonder who knows him?"
The same question might have been asked a week--a month after this conversation, without eliciting any very satisfactory answer. With the exception of Murray"s genealogical information--the correctness of which was never doubted for a moment, though how or where he obtained this and similar pieces of history, was a point on which he kept up an amusing mystery--Russell was a man of whom no one appeared to know anything at all. The other gentlemen-commoners had, I believe, all called upon him, as a matter of courtesy to one of their own limited mess; but in almost every case it had merely amounted to an exchange of cards. He was either out of his rooms, or "sporting oak;" and "Mr C. W. Russell," on a bit of pasteboard, had invariably appeared in the note-box of the party for whom the honour was intended, on their return from their afternoon"s walk or ride. Invitations to two or three wine-parties had followed, and been civilly declined. It was at one of these meetings that he again became the subject of conversation. We were a large party, at a man of the name of Tichborne"s rooms, when some one mentioned having met "the Hermit," as they called him, taking a solitary walk about three miles out of Oxford the day before.
"Oh, you mean Russell," said Tichborne: "well, I was going to tell you, I called on him again this morning, and found him in his rooms. In fact, I almost followed him in after lecture; for I confess I had some little curiosity to find out what he was made of!"
"And did you find out?"--"What sort of a fellow is he?" asked half-a-dozen voices at once; for, to say the truth, the curiosity which Tichborne had just confessed had been pretty generally felt, even among those who usually affected a dignified disregard of all matters concerning the nature and habits of freshmen.
"I sat with him for about twenty minutes; indeed, I should have staid longer, for I rather liked the lad; but he seemed anxious to get rid of me. I can"t make him out at all, though. I wanted him to come here to-night, but he positively would not, though he didn"t pretend to have any other engagement: he said he never, or seldom, drank wine."
"Not drink wine!" interrupted Savile. "I always said he was some low fellow!"
"I have known some low fellows drink their skins full of wine, though; especially at other men"s expense," said Tichborne, who was evidently not pleased with the remark; "and Russell is _not_ a low fellow by any means."
"Well, well," replied Savile, whose good-humour was imperturbable--"if you say so, there"s an end of it: all I mean to say is, I can"t conceive any man not drinking wine, unless for the simple reason that he prefers brandy-and-water, and that I _do_ call low. However, you"ll excuse my helping myself to another gla.s.s of this particularly good claret, Tichborne, though it is at your expense: indeed, the only use of you gentlemen-commoners, that I am aware of, is to give us a taste of the senior common-room wine now and then. They do manage to get it good there, certainly. I wish they would give out a few dozens as prizes at collections; it would do us a great deal more good than a Russia-leather book with the college arms on it. I don"t know that I shouldn"t take to reading in that case."
"Drink a dozen of it, old fellow, if you can," said Tichborne. "But really I am sorry we couldn"t get Russell here this evening; I think he would be rather an acquisition, if he could be drawn out. As to his not drinking wine, that"s a matter of taste; and he is not very likely to corrupt the good old principles of the college on that point. But he must please himself."
"What does he do with himself?" said one of the party--"read?"
"Why he didn"t _talk_ about reading, as most of our literary freshmen do, which might perhaps lead one to suppose he really was something of a scholar; still, I doubt if he is what you call a reading man; I know he belongs to the Thucydides lecture, and I have never seen him there but once."
"Ah!" said Savile, with a sigh, "that"s another privilege of yours I had forgotten, which is rather enviable; you can cut lectures when you like, without getting a thundering imposition. Where does this man Russell live?"
"He has taken those large rooms that Sykes used to have, and fitted up in such style; they were vacant, you remember, the last two terms; I had some thought of moving into them myself, but they were confoundedly expensive, and I didn"t think it worth while. They cost Sykes I don"t know how much, in painting and papering, and are full of all sorts of couches, and easy-chairs, and so forth. And this man seems to have got two or three good paintings into them; and, altogether, they are now the best rooms in college, by far."
"Does he mean to hunt?" asked another.
"No, I fancy not," replied our host: "though he spoke as if he knew something about it; but he said he had no horses in Oxford."
"Nor anywhere else, I"ll be bound; he"s a precious slow coach, you may depend upon it." And with this decisive remark, Mr Russell and his affairs were dismissed for the time.
A year pa.s.sed away, and still, at the end of that time--(a long time it seemed in those days)--Russell was as much a stranger in college as ever. He had begun to be regarded as a rather mysterious person. Hardly two men in the college agreed in their estimate of his character. Some said he was a natural son--the acknowledged heir to a large fortune, but too proud to mix in society, under the consciousness of a dishonoured birth. But this suspicion was indignantly refuted by Murray, as much on behalf of his own genealogical accuracy, as for Russell"s legitimacy--he was undoubtedly the true and lawful son and heir of Mr Russell the banker, of ---- Street. Others said he was poor; but his father was reputed to be the most wealthy partner in a wealthy firm, and was known to have a considerable estate in the west of England. There were not wanting those who said he was "eccentric"--in the largest sense of the term. Yet his manners and conduct, as far as they came within notice, were correct, regular, and gentlemanly beyond criticism. There was nothing about him which could fairly incur even the minor charge of being odd. He dressed well, though very plainly; would converse freely enough, upon any subject, with the few men who, from sitting at the sametable, or attending the same lectures, had formed a doubtful sort of acquaintance with him; and always showed great good sense, a considerable knowledge of the world, and a courtesy, and at the same time perfect dignity of manner, which effectually prevented any attempt to penetrate, by jest or direct question, the reserve in which he had chosen to enclose himself. All invitations he steadily refused; even to the extent of sending an excuse to the deans" and tutors" breakfast parties, to their ineffable disgust. Whether he read hard, or not, was equally a secret. He was regular in his attendance at chapel, and particularly attentive to the service; a fact which by no means tended to lower him in men"s estimation, though in those days more remarkable than, happily, it would be now. At lectures, indeed, he was not equally exemplary, either as to attendance or behaviour; he was often absent when asked a question, and not always accurate when he replied; and occasionally declined translating a pa.s.sage which came to his turn, on the ground of not having read it. Yet his scholarship, if not always strictly accurate, had a degree of elegance which betokened both talent and reading; and his taste was evidently naturally good, and cla.s.sical literature a subject of interest to him. Altogether, it rather piqued the vanity of those who saw most of him, that he would give them no opportunity of seeing more; and many affected to sneer at him, as a "_m.u.f.f_," who would have been exceedingly flattered by his personal acquaintance. Only one a.s.sociate did Charles Russell appear to have in the university; and this was a little greenish-haired man in a scholar"s gown, a perfect contrast to himself in appearance, whose name or college no man knew, though some professed to recognise him as a Bible-clerk of one of the smallest and most obscure of the halls.
Attempts were made to pump out of his scout some information as to how Russell pa.s.sed his time: for, with the exception of a daily walk, sometimes with the companion above mentioned, but much oftener alone, and his having been seen once or twice in a skiff on the river, he appeared rarely to quit his own rooms. Scouts are usually pretty communicative of all they know--and sometimes a great deal more--about the affairs of their many masters; and they are not inclined in general to hold a very high opinion of those among "their gentlemen" who, like Russell, are behindhand in the matter of wine and supper-parties--their own perquisites suffering thereby. But Job Allen was a scout of a thousand. His honesty and integrity made him quite the _rara avis_ of his cla.s.s--_i.e._, a _white_ swan amongst a flock of black ones. Though really, since I have left the university, and been condemned to house-keeping, and have seen the peculation and perquisite-hunting existing pretty nearly in the same proportion amongst ordinary servants--and the higher you go in society the worse it seems to be--without a t.i.ttle of the activity and cleverness displayed by a good college scout, who provides supper and etceteras for an extemporary party of twenty or so at an hour"s notice, without starting a difficulty or giving vent to a grumble, or neglecting any one of his other multifarious duties (further than perhaps borrowing for the service of the said supper some hard-reading freshman"s whole stock of knives, and leaving him to spread his nocturnal bread and b.u.t.ter with his fingers); since I have been led to compare this with the fuss and fidget caused in a "well-regulated family" among one"s own lazy vagabonds, by having an extra horse to clean, or by a couple of friends arriving unexpectedly to dinner, when they all stare at you as if you were expecting impossibilities, I have pretty well come to the conclusion, that college servants, like hedgehogs, are a grossly calumniated race of animals--wrongfully accused of getting their living by picking and stealing, whereas they are in fact rather more honest than the average of their neighbours. It is to be hoped that, like the hedgehogs, they enjoy a compensation in having too thick skins to be over-sensitive. At all events, Job Allen was an honest fellow. He had been known to expostulate with some of his more reckless masters upon the absurdities of their goings-on; and had more than once had a commons of bread flung at his head, when taking the opportunity of symptoms of repentance, in an evident disrelish for breakfast, to hint at the slow but inevitable approach of "degree-day." Cold chickens from the evening"s supper-party had made a miraculous reappearance at next morning"s lunch or breakfast; half-consumed bottles of port seemed, under his auspices, to lead charmed lives. No wonder, then, there was very little information about the private affairs of Russell to be got out of Job Allen. He had but a very poor talent for gossip, and none at all for invention. "Mr Russell"s a very nice, quiet sort of gentleman, sir, and keeps his-self pretty much to his-self." This was Job"s account of him; and, to curious inquirers, it was provoking both for its meagreness and its truth.
"Who"s his friend in the rusty gown, Job?"--"I thinks, sir, his name"s Smith." "Is Mr Russell going up for a cla.s.s, Job?"--"I can"t say indeed, sir." "Does he read hard?"--"Not over-hard, I think, sir." "Does he sit up late, Job?"--"Not over-late, sir." If there was anything to tell, it was evident Job would neither commit himself nor his master.
Russell"s conduct was certainly uncommon. If he had been the son of a poor man, dependent for his future livelihood on his own exertions, eking out the scanty allowance ill-spared by his friends by the help of a scholarship or exhibition, and avoiding society as leading to necessary expense, his position would have been understood, and even, in spite of the prejudices of youthful extravagance, commended. Or if he had been a hard-reading man from choice--or a stupid man--or a "saint"--no one would have troubled themselves about him or his proceedings. But Russell was a gentleman-commoner, and a man who had evidently seen something of the world; a rich man, and apparently by no means of the character fitted for a recluse. He had dined once with the princ.i.p.al, and the two or three men who had met him there were considerably surprised at the easy gracefulness of his manners, and his information upon many points usually beyond the range of undergraduates: at his own table in hall, too, he never affected any reserve, although, perhaps from a consciousness of having virtually declined any intimacy with his companions, he seldom originated any conversation. It might have been a.s.sumed, indeed, that he despised the society into which he was thrown, but that his bearing, so far from being haughty, or even cold, was occasionally marked by apparent dejection. There was also, at times, a breaking out as it were of the natural spirits of youth, checked almost abruptly; and once or twice he had betrayed an interest in, and a knowledge of, field-sports and ordinary amus.e.m.e.nts, which for the moment made his hearers fancy, as Tichborne said, that he was "coming out." But if, as at first often happened, such conversations led to a proposal for a gallop with the harriers, or a ride the next afternoon, or a match at billiards, or even an invitation to a quiet breakfast-party--the refusal, though always courteous--and sometimes it was fancied unwilling--was always decided. And living day by day within reach of that close companionship which similarity of age, pursuits, and tastes, strengthened by daily intercourse, was cementing all around him, Charles Russell, in his twentieth year, in a position to choose his own society, and qualified to shine in it, seemed to have deliberately adopted the life of a recluse.
There were some, indeed, who accounted for his behaviour on the ground of stinginess; and it was an opinion somewhat strengthened by one or two trifling facts. When the subscription-list for the college boat was handed to him, he put his name down for the minimum of one guinea, though Charley White, our secretary, with the happy union of impudence and "soft sawder" for which he was remarkable, delicately drew his attention to the fact, that no other gentleman-commoner had given less than five. Still it was not very intelligible that a man who wished to save his pocket, should choose to pay double fees for the privilege of wearing a velvet cap and silk gown, and rent the most expensive set of rooms in the college.
It happened that I returned one night somewhat late from a friend"s rooms out of college, and had the satisfaction to find that my scout, in an unusually careful mood, had shut my outer "oak," which had a spring lock, of which I never by any chance carried the key. It was too late to send for the rascal to open it, and I was just planning the possibility of effecting an entrance at the window by means of the porter"s ladder, when the light in Russell"s room caught my eye, and I remembered that, in the days of their former occupant, our keys used to correspond, very much to our mutual convenience. It was no very great intrusion, even towards one in the morning, to ask a man to lend you his door key, when the alternative seemed to be spending the night in the quadrangle: so I walked up his staircase, knocked, was admitted, and stated my business with all proper apologies. The key was produced most graciously, and down I went again--unluckily two steps at a time. My foot slipped, and one grand rattle brought me to the bottom: not head first, but feet first, which possibly is not quite so dangerous, but any gentleman who has tried it will agree with me that it is sufficiently unpleasant. I was dreadfully shaken; and when I tried to get up, found it no easy matter. Russell, I suppose, heard the fall, for he was by my side by the time I had collected my ideas. I felt as if I had skinned myself at slight intervals all down one side; but the worst of it was a sprained ankle. How we got up-stairs again I have no recollection; but when a gla.s.s of brandy had brought me to a little, I found myself in an easy-chair, with my foot on a stool, shivering and shaking like a wet puppy. I staid there a fortnight (not in the chair, reader, but in the rooms); and so it was I became intimately acquainted with Charles Russell. His kindness and attention to me were excessive; I wished of course to be moved to my own rooms at once, but he would not hear of it; and as I found every wriggle and twist which I gave quite sufficiently painful, I acceded to my surgeon"s advice to remain where I was.
It was not a very pleasant mode of introduction for either party.
Very few men"s acquaintance is worth the pains of b.u.mping all the way down-stairs and spraining an ankle for: and for a gentleman who voluntarily confines himself to his own apartment and avoids society, to have another party chummed in upon him perforce, day and night, sitting in an arm-chair, with a suppressed groan occasionally, and an abominable smell of hartshorn--is, to say the least of it, not the happiest mode of hinting to him the evils of solitude. Whether it was that the one of us, compelled thus against his will to play the host, was anxious to show he was no churl by nature, and the other, feeling himself necessarily in a great degree an intruder and a bore, put forth more zealously any redeeming social qualities he might possess; be this as it might, within that fortnight Russell and I became sincere friends.
I found him, as I had expected, a most agreeable and gentlemanlike companion, clever and well informed, and with a higher tone and more settled principles than are common to his age and position. But strongly contrasted with his usually cheerful manner, were sudden intervals of abstraction approaching to gloominess. In him, it was evidently not the result of caprice, far less of anything approaching to affectation. I watched him closely, partly from interest, partly because I had little else to do, and became convinced that there was some latent cause of grief or anxiety at work. Once in particular, after the receipt of some letters (they were always opened hurriedly, and apparently with a painful interest), he was so visibly discomposed and depressed in spirits, that I ventured to express a hope that they had contained no distressing intelligence. Russell seemed embarra.s.sed at having betrayed any unusual emotion, and answered in the negative; adding, that "he knew he was subject to the blues occasionally"--and I felt I could say no more. But I suppose I did not look convinced; for catching my eyes fixed on him soon afterwards, he shook my hand and said, "Something _has_ vexed me--I cannot tell you what; but I won"t think about it again now."
One evening, towards the close of my imprisonment, after a long and pleasant talk over our usual sober wind-up of a cup of coffee, some recent publication, tasteful, but rather expensive, was mentioned, which Russell expressed a wish to see. I put the natural question to a man in his position who could appreciate the book, and to whom a few pounds were no consideration--why did he not order it? He coloured slightly, and after a moment"s hesitation hurriedly replied, "Because I cannot afford it." I felt a little awkwardness as to what to say next; for the style of everything round me betrayed a lavish disregard of expense, and yet the remark did not at all bear the tone of a jest. Probably Russell understood what was pa.s.sing in my mind; for presently, without looking at me, he went on: "Yes, you may well think it a pitiful economy to grudge five guineas for a book like that, and indulge one"s-self in such pompous mummery as we have here;" and he pushed down with his foot a ma.s.sive and beautiful silver coffee-pot, engraved with half-a-dozen quarterings of arms, which, in spite of a remonstrance from me, had been blackening before the fire to keep its contents warm. "Never mind it,"
he continued, as I in vain put out my hand to save it from falling--"it won"t be damaged; it will fetch just as much per ounce; and I really cannot afford to buy an inferior article." Russell"s behaviour up to this moment had been rational enough, but at the moment a suspicion crossed my mind that "eccentricity," as applied to his case, might possibly, as in some other cases, be merely an euphonism for something worse. However, I picked up the coffee-pot, and said nothing. "You must think me very strange, Hawthorne; I quite forgot myself at the moment; but if you choose to be trusted with a secret, which will be no secret long, I will tell you what will perhaps surprise you with regard to my own position, though I really have no right to trouble you with my confidences." I disclaimed any wish to a.s.sume the right of inquiring into private matters, but at the same time expressed, as I sincerely felt, an interest in what was evidently a weight on my companion"s mind.
"Well, to say the truth," continued Russell, "I think it will be a relief to me to tell you how I stand. I know that I have often felt of late that I am acting a daily lie here, to all the men about me; pa.s.sing, doubtless, for a rich man, when in truth, for aught I know, I and all my family are beggars at this moment." He stopped, walked to the window, and returned. "I am surrounded here by luxuries which have little right within a college"s walls; I occupy a distinctive position which you and others are supposed not to be able to afford; I never can mix with any of you, without, as it were, carrying with me everywhere the superscription written--"This is a rich man." And yet, with all this outward show, I may be a debtor to your charity for my bread to-morrow.
You are astonished, Hawthorne; of course you are. I am not thus playing the hypocrite willingly, believe me. Had I only my own comfort, and my own feelings to consult, I would take my name off the college books to-morrow. How I bear the life I lead, I scarcely know."
"But tell me," said I, "as you have told me so much, what is the secret of all this?"
"I will; I was going to explain. My only motive for concealment, my only reason for even wishing you to keep my counsel, is, because the character and prospects of others are concerned. My father, as I dare say you are aware, is pretty well known as the head of the firm of Russell and Smith: he pa.s.ses for a rich man, of course; he _was_ a rich man, I believe, once; and I, his only son and heir--brought up as I was to look upon money as a plaything--I was sent to college of course as a gentleman-commoner. I knew nothing, as a lad, of my father"s affairs: there were fools enough to tell me he was rich, and that I had nothing to do but to spend his money--and I did spend it--ay, too much of it--yet not so much, perhaps, as I might. Not since I came here, Hawthorne; oh no!--not since I found out that it was neither his nor mine to spend--I have not been so bad as that, thank G.o.d. And if ever man could atone, by suffering, for the thoughtlessness and extravagance of early days, I have well-nigh paid my penalty in full already. I told you, I entered here as a gentleman-commoner; my father came down to Oxford with me, chose my rooms, sent down this furniture and these paintings from town--thank Heaven, I never knew what they cost--ordered a couple of hunters and a groom for me--those I stopped from coming down--and, in fact, made every preparation for me to commence my career with credit as the heir-apparent to a large fortune. Some suspicions that all was not right had crossed my mind before: certain conversations between my father and cold-looking men of business, not meant for my ear, and very imperfectly understood--for it appeared to be my father"s object to keep me totally ignorant of all the mysteries of banking--an increasing tendency on his part to grumble over petty expenses which implied ready payment, with an ostentatious profusion in show and entertainments--many slight circ.u.mstances put together had given me a sort of vague alarm at times, which I shook off, as often as it recurred, like a disagreeable dream. A week after I entered college, a letter from my only sister opened my eyes to the truth. What I had feared was a temporary embarra.s.sment--a disagreeable necessity for retrenchment, or, at the worst, a stoppage of payment, and a respectable bankruptcy, which would injure no one but the creditors. What she spoke of was absolute ruin, poverty, and, what was worse, disgrace. It came upon me very suddenly--but I bore it. I am not going to enter into particulars about family matters to you, Hawthorne--you would not wish it, I know; let me only say, my sister Mary is an angel, and my father a weak-minded man--I will hope, not intentionally a dishonest one. But I have learnt enough to know that there are embarra.s.sments from which he can never extricate himself with honour, and that every month, every week, that he persists in maintaining a useless struggle will only add misery to misery in the end. How long it may go on no one can say--but the end must come. My own first impulse was, of course, to leave this place at once, and so, at all events, to avoid additional expenses: but my father would not hear of it. I went to him, told him what I knew, though not how I had heard it, and drew from him a sort of confession that he had made some unfortunate speculations. But "only let us keep up appearances"--those were his words--a little while, and all would be right again, he a.s.sured me. I made no pretence of believing him; but, Hawthorne, when he offered to go on his knees to me--and I his only son--and promised to retrench in every possible method that would not betray his motives, if I would but remain at college to take my degree--"to keep up appearances"--what could I do?"