"Well, son!" They touched cheeks. "So Master Hemlock gave you a vacation?"
"No, sir. I left."
Golden stared, then filled his plate and sat down. "Left," he said.
"Yes, sir. I decided that I don"t want to be a wizard."
"Hmf," said Golden, chewing. "Left of your own accord? Entirely? With the Master"s permission?"
"Of my own accord entirely, without his permission."
Golden chewed very slowly, his eyes on the table. Diamond had seen his father look like this when a forester reported an infestation in the chestnut groves, and when he found a mule-dealer had cheated him.
"He wanted me to go to the College on Roke to study with the Master Summoner. He was going to send me there. I decided not to go."
After a while Golden asked, still looking at the table, "Why?"
"It isn"t the life I want."
Another pause. Golden glanced over at his wife, who stood by the window listening in silence. Then he looked at his son. Slowly the mixture of anger, disappointment, confusion, and respect on his face gave way to something simpler, a look of complicity, very nearly a wink. "I see," he said. "And what did you decide you want?"
A pause. "This," Diamond said. His voice was level. He looked neither at his father nor his mother.
"Hah!" said Golden. "Well! I will say I"m glad of it, son." He ate a small porkpie in one mouthful. "Being a wizard, going to Roke, all that, it never seemed real, not exactly. And with you off there, I didn"t know what all this was for, to tell you the truth. All my business. If you"re here, it adds up, you see. It adds up. Well! But listen here, did you just run off from the wizard? Did he know you were going?"
"No. I"ll write him," Diamond said, in his new, level voice.
"He won"t be angry? They say wizards have short tempers. Full of pride."
"He"s angry," Diamond said, "but he won"t do anything."
So it proved. Indeed, to Golden"s amazement, Master Hemlock sent back a scrupulous two-fifths of the prenticing-fee. With the packet, which was delivered by one of Golden"s carters who had taken a load of spars down to South Port, was a note for Diamond. It said, "True art requires a single heart." The direction on the outside was the Hardic rune for willow. The note was signed with Hemlock"s rune, which had two meanings: the hemlock tree, and suffering.
Diamond sat in his own sunny room upstairs, on his comfortable bed, hearing his mother singing as she went about the house. He held the wizard"s letter and reread the message and the two runes many times. The cold and sluggish mind that had been born in him that morning down in the sallows accepted the lesson. No magic. Never again. He had never given his heart to it. It had been a game to him, a game to play with Darkrose. Even the names of the True Speech that he had learned in the wizard"s house, though he knew the beauty and the power that lay in them, he could let go, let slip, forget. That was not his language.
He could speak his language only with her. And he had lost her, let her go. The double heart has no true speech. From now on he could talk only the language of duty: the getting and the spending, the outlay and the income, the profit and the loss.
And beyond that, nothing. There had been illusions, little spells, pebbles that turned to b.u.t.terflies, wooden birds that flew on living wings for a minute or two. There had never been a choice, really. There was only one way for him to go.
GOLDEN WAS immensely happy and quite unconscious of it. "Old man"s got his jewel back," said the carter to the forester. "Sweet as new b.u.t.ter, he is." Golden, unaware of being sweet, thought only how sweet life was. He had bought the Reche grove, at a very stiff price to be sure, but at least old Lowbough of Easthill hadn"t got it, and now he and Diamond could develop it as it ought to be developed. In among the chestnuts there were a lot of pines, which could be felled and sold for masts and spars and small lumber, and replanted with chestnut seedlings. It would in time be a pure stand like the Big Grove, the heart of his chestnut kingdom. In time, of course. Oak and chestnut don"t shoot up overnight like alder and willow. But there was time. There was time, now. The boy was barely seventeen, and he himself just forty-five. In his prime. He had been feeling old, but that was nonsense. He was in his prime. The oldest trees, past bearing, ought to come out with the pines. Some good wood for furniture could be salvaged from them.
"Well, well, well," he said to his wife, frequently, "all rosy again, eh? Got the apple of your eye back home, eh? No more moping, eh?"
And Tuly smiled and stroked his hand.
Once instead of smiling and agreeing, she said, "It"s lovely to have him back, but" and Golden stopped hearing. Mothers were born to worry about their children, and women were born never to be content. There was no reason why he should listen to the litany of anxieties by which Tuly hauled herself through life. Of course she thought a merchant"s life wasn"t good enough for the boy. She"d have thought being King in Havnor wasn"t good enough for him.
"When he gets himself a girl," Golden said, in answer to whatever it was she had been saying, "he"ll be all squared away. Living with the wizards, you know, the way they are, it set him back a bit. Don"t worry about Diamond. He"ll know what he wants when he sees it!"
"I hope so," said Tuly.
"At least he"s not seeing the witch"s girl," said Golden. "That"s done with." Later on it occurred to him that neither was his wife seeing the witch anymore. For years they"d been thick as thieves, against all his warnings, and now Tangle was never anywhere near the house. Women"s friendships never lasted. He teased her about it. Finding her strewing pennyroyal and miller"s-bane in the chests and clothes-presses against an infestation of moths, he said, "Seems like you"d have your friend the wise woman up to hex "em away. Or aren"t you friends anymore?"
"No," his wife said in her soft, level voice, "we aren"t."
"And a good thing too!" Golden said roundly. "What"s become of that daughter of hers, then? Went off with a juggler, I heard?"
"A musician," Tuly said. "Last summer."
"A NAMEDAY PARTY," said Golden. "Time for a bit of play, a bit of music and dancing, boy. Nineteen years old. Celebrate it!"
"I"ll be going to Easthill with Sul"s mules."
"No, no, no. Sul can handle it. Stay home and have your party. You"ve been working hard. We"ll hire a band. Who"s the best in the country? Tarry and his lot?"
"Father, I don"t want a party," Diamond said and stood up, shivering his muscles like a horse. He was bigger than Golden now, and when he moved abruptly it was startling. "I"ll go to Easthill," he said, and left the room.
"What"s that all about?" Golden said to his wife, a rhetorical question. She looked at him and said nothing, a non-rhetorical answer.
After Golden had gone out, she found her son in the counting-room going through ledgers. She looked at the pages. Long, long lists of names and numbers, debts and credits, profits and losses.
"Di," she said, and he looked up. His face was still round and a bit peachy, though the bones were heavier and the eyes were melancholy.
"I didn"t mean to hurt Father"s feelings," he said.
"If he wants a party, he"ll have it," she said. Their voices were alike, being in the higher register but dark-toned, and held to an even quietness, contained, restrained. She perched on a stool beside his at the high desk.
"I can"t," he said, and stopped, and went on, "I really don"t want to have any dancing."
"He"s matchmaking," Tuly said, dry, fond.
"I don"t care about that."
"I know you don"t."
"The problem is..."
"The problem is the music," his mother said at last.
He nodded.
"My son, there is no reason," she said, suddenly pa.s.sionate, "there is no reason why you should give up everything you love!"
He took her hand and kissed it as they sat side by side.
"Things don"t mix," he said. "They ought to, but they don"t. I found that out. When I left the wizard, I thought I could be everything. You know-do magic, play music, be Father"s son, love Rose.... It doesn"t work that way. Things don"t mix."
"They do, they do," Tuly said. "Everything is hooked together, tangled up!"
"Maybe things are, for women. But I...I can"t be double-hearted."
"Double-hearted? You? You gave up wizardry because you knew that if you didn"t, you"d betray it."
He took the word with a visible shock, but did not deny it.
"But why did you give up music?"
"I have to have a single heart. I can"t play the harp while I"m bargaining with a mule-breeder. I can"t sing ballads while I"m figuring what we have to pay the pickers to keep "em from hiring out to Lowbough!" His voice shook a little now, a vibrato, and his eyes were not sad, but angry.
"So you put a spell on yourself," she said, "just as that wizard put one on you. A spell to keep you safe. To keep you with the mule-breeders, and the nut-pickers, and these." She struck the ledger full of lists of names and figures, a flicking, dismissive tap. "A spell of silence," she said.
After a long time the young man said, "What else can I do?"
"I don"t know, my dear. I do want you to be safe. I do love to see your father happy and proud of you. But I can"t bear to see you unhappy, without pride! I don"t know. Maybe you"re right. Maybe for a man it"s only one thing ever. But I miss hearing you sing."
She was in tears. They hugged, and she stroked his thick, shining hair and apologized for being cruel, and he hugged her again and said she was the kindest mother in the world, and so she went off. But as she left she turned back a moment and said, "Let him have the party, Di. Let yourself have it."
"I will," he said, to comfort her.
GOLDEN ordered the beer and food and fireworks, but Diamond saw to hiring the musicians.
"Of course I"ll bring my band," Tarry said, "fat chance I"d miss it! You"ll have every tootler in the west of the world here for one of your dad"s parties."
"You can tell "em you"re the band that"s getting paid."
"Oh, they"ll come for the glory," said the harper, a lean, long-jawed, wall-eyed fellow of forty. "Maybe you"ll have a go with us yourself, then? You had a hand for it, before you took to making money. And the voice not bad, if you"d worked on it."
"I doubt it," Diamond said.
"That girl you liked, witch"s Rose, she"s tuning about with Labby, I hear. No doubt they"ll come by."
"I"ll see you then," said Diamond, looking big and handsome and indifferent, and walked off.
"Too high and mighty these days to stop and talk," said Tarry, "though I taught him all he knows of harping. But what"s that to a rich man?"
TARRY"S MALICE had left his nerves raw, and the thought of the party weighed on him till he lost his appet.i.te. He thought hopefully for a while that he was sick and could miss the party. But the day came, and he was there. Not so evidently, so eminently, so flamboyantly there as his father, but present, smiling, dancing. All his childhood friends were there too, half of them married by now to the other half, it seemed, but there was still plenty of flirting going on, and several pretty girls were always near him. He drank a good deal of Gadge Brewer"s excellent beer, and found he could endure the music if he was dancing to it and talking and laughing while he danced. So he danced with all the pretty girls in turn, and then again with whichever one turned up again, which all of them did.
It was Golden"s grandest party yet, with a dancing floor built on the town green down the way from Golden"s house, and a tent for the old folks to eat and drink and gossip in, and new clothes for the children, and jugglers and puppeteers, some of them hired and some of them coming by to pick up whatever they could in the way of coppers and free beer. Any festivity drew itinerant entertainers and musicians it was their living, and though uninvited they were welcomed. A tale-singer with a droning voice and a droning bagpipe was singing The Deed of the Dragonlord to a group of people under the big oak on the hilltop. When Tarry"s band of harp, fife, viol, and drum took time off for a breather and a swig, a new group hopped up onto the dance floor. "Hey, there"s Labby"s band!" cried the pretty girl nearest Diamond. "Come on, they"re the best!"
Labby, a light-skinned, flashy-looking fellow, played the double-reed woodhorn.
With him were a violist, a tabor-player, and Rose, who played fife. Their first tune was a stampy, fast and brilliant, too fast for some of the dancers. Diamond and his partner stayed in, and people cheered and clapped them when they finished the dance, sweating and panting. "Beer!" Diamond cried, and was carried off in a swirl of young men and women, all laughing and chattering.
He heard behind him the next tune start up, the viol alone, strong and sad as a tenor voice: "Where My Love Is Going."
He drank a mug of beer down in one draft, and the girls with him watched the muscles in his strong throat as he swallowed, and they laughed and chattered, and he shivered all over like a cart horse stung by flies. He said, "Oh! I can"t --!" He bolted off into the dusk beyond the lanterns hanging around the brewer"s booth. "Where"s he going?" said one, and another, "He"ll be back," and they laughed and chattered.
The tune ended. "Darkrose," he said, behind her in the dark. She turned her head and looked at him. Their heads were on a level, she sitting crosslegged up on the dance platform, he kneeling on the gra.s.s.
"Come to the sallows," he said.
She said nothing. Labby, glancing at her, set his woodhorn to his lips. The drummer struck a triple beat on his tabor, and they were off into a sailor"s jig.
When she looked around again Diamond was gone.
Tarry came back with his band in an hour or so, ungrateful for the respite and much the worse for beer. He interrupted the tune and the dancing, telling Labby loudly to clear out.
"Ah, pick your nose, harp-picker," Labby said, and Tarry took offense, and people took sides, and while the dispute was at its brief height, Rose put her fife in her pocket and slipped away.
Away from the lanterns of the party it was dark, but she knew the way in the dark. He was there. The willows had grown, these two years. There was only a little s.p.a.ce to sit among the green shoots and the long, falling leaves.
The music started up, distant, blurred by wind and the murmur of the river running.
"What did you want, Diamond?"
"To talk."
They were only voices and shadows to each other.
"So," she said.
"I wanted to ask you to go away with me," he said.
"When?"
"Then. When we quarreled. I said it all wrong. I thought...." A long pause. "I thought I could go on running away. With you. And play music. Make a living. Together. I meant to say that."
"You didn"t say it."
"I know. I said everything wrong. I did everything wrong. I betrayed everything. The magic. And the music. And you."
"I"m all right," she said.
"Are you?"
"I"m not really good on the fife, but I"m good enough. What you didn"t teach me, I can fill in with a spell, if I have to. And the band, they"re all right. Labby isn"t as bad as he looks. n.o.body fools with me. We make a pretty good living. Winters, I go stay with Mother and help her out. So I"m all right. What about you, Di?"
"All wrong."
She started to say something, and did not say it.
"I guess we were children," he said. "Now...."
"What"s changed?"
"I made the wrong choice."
"Once?" she said. "Or twice?"