"Oh, Darkrose," Diamond said, "I love you."
"Of course you do. You"d better. I"ll witch you if you don"t."
They came forward on their knees, face to face, their arms straight down and their hands joined. They kissed each other all over their faces. To Rose"s lips Diamond"s face was smooth and full as a plum, with just a hint of p.r.i.c.kliness above the lip and jawline, where he had taken to shaving recently. To Diamond"s lips Rose"s face was soft as silk, with just a hint of grittiness on one cheek, which she had rubbed with a dirty hand. They moved a little closer so that their b.r.e.a.s.t.s and bellies touched, though their hands stayed down by their sides. They went on kissing.
"Darkrose," he breathed in her ear, his secret name for her.
She said nothing, but breathed very warm in his ear, and he moaned. His hands clenched hers. He drew back a little. She drew back. They sat back on their ankles.
"Oh Di," she said, "it will be awful when you go."
"I won"t go," he said. "Anywhere. Ever."
BUT OF COURSE he went down to Havnor South Port, in one of his father"s carts driven by one of his father"s carters, along with Master Hemlock. As a rule, people do what wizards advise them to do. And it is no small honor to be invited by a wizard to be his student or apprentice. Hemlock, who had won his staff on Roke, was used to having boys come to him begging to be tested and, if they had the gift for it, taught. He was a little curious about this boy whose cheerful good manners hid some reluctance or self-doubt. It was the father"s idea, not the boy"s, that he was gifted. That was unusual, though perhaps not so unusual among the wealthy as among common folk. At any rate he came with a very good prenticing fee paid beforehand in gold and ivory. If he had the makings of a wizard Hemlock would train him, and if he had, as Hemlock suspected, a mere childish flair, then he"d be sent home with what remained of his fee. Hemlock was an honest, upright, humorless, scholarly wizard with little interest in feelings or ideas. His gift was for names. "The art begins and ends in naming," he said, which indeed is true, although there may be a good deal between the beginning and the end.
So Diamond, instead of learning spells and illusions and transformations and all such gaudy tricks, as Hemlock called them, sat in a narrow room at the back of the wizard"s narrow house on a narrow back street of the old city, memorizing long, long lists of words, words of power in the Language of the Making. Plants and parts of plants and animals and parts of animals and islands and parts of islands, parts of ships, parts of the human body. The words never made sense, never made sentences, only lists. Long, long lists.
His mind wandered. "Eyelash" in the True Speech is siasa, he read, and he felt eyelashes brush his cheek in a b.u.t.terfly kiss, dark lashes. He looked up startled and did not know what had touched him. Later when he tried to repeat the word, he stood dumb.
"Memory, memory," Hemlock said. "Talent"s no good without memory!" He was not harsh, but he was unyielding. Diamond had no idea what opinion Hemlock had of him, and guessed it to be pretty low. The wizard sometimes had him come with him to his work, mostly laying spells of safety on ships and houses, purifying wells, and sitting on the councils of the city, seldom speaking but always listening. Another wizard, not Roke-trained but with the healer"s gift, looked after the sick and dying of South Port. Hemlock was glad to let him do so. His own pleasure was in studying and, as far as Diamond could see, doing no magic at all. "Keep the Equilibrium, it"s all in that," Hemlock said, and, "Knowledge, order, and control." Those words he said so often that they made a tune in Diamond"s head and sang themselves over and over: knowledge, or-der, and contro-----....
When Diamond put the lists of names to tunes he made up, he learned them much faster; but then the tune would come as part of the name, and he would sing out so clearly-for his voice had re-established itself as a strong, dark tenor-that Hemlock winced. Hemlock"s was a very silent house.
Mostly the pupil was supposed to be with the Master, or studying the lists of names in the room where the lorebooks and wordbooks were, or asleep. Hemlock was a stickler for early abed and early afoot. But now and then Diamond had an hour or two free. He always went down to the docks and sat on a pierside or a waterstair and thought about Darkrose. As soon as he was out of the house and away from Master Hemlock, he began to think about Darkrose, and went on thinking about her and very little else. It surprised him a little. He thought he ought to be homesick, to think about his mother. He did think about his mother quite often, and often was homesick, lying on his cot in his bare and narrow little room after a scanty supper of cold pea-porridge-for this wizard, at least, did not live in such luxury as Golden had imagined. Diamond never thought about Darkrose, nights. He thought of his mother, or of sunny rooms and hot food, or a tune would come into his head and he would practice it mentally on the harp in his mind, and so drift off to sleep. Darkrose would come to his mind only when he was down at the docks, staring out at the water of the harbor, the piers, the fishing boats, only when he was outdoors and away from Hemlock and his house.
So he cherished his free hours as if they were actual meetings with her. He had always loved her, but had not understood that he loved her beyond anyone and anything. When he was with her, even when he was down on the docks thinking of her, he was alive. He never felt entirely alive in Master Hemlock"s house and presence. He felt a little dead. Not dead, but a little dead.
A few times, sitting on the waterstairs, the dirty harbor water sloshing at the next step down, the yells of gulls and dockworkers wreathing the air with a thin, ungainly music, he shut his eyes and saw his love so clear, so close, that he reached out his hand to touch her. If he reached out his hand in his mind only, as when he played the mental harp, then indeed he touched her. He felt her hand in his, and her cheek, warm-cool, silken-gritty, lay against his mouth. In his mind he spoke to her, and in his mind she answered, her voice, her husky voice saying his name, "Diamond ...."
But as he went back up the streets of South Port he lost her. He swore to keep her with him, to think of her, to think of her that night, but she faded away. By the time he opened the door of Master Hemlock"s house he was reciting lists of names, or wondering what would be for dinner, for he was hungry most of the time. Not till he could take an hour and run back down to the docks could he think of her.
So he came to feel that those hours were true meetings with her, and he lived for them, without knowing what he lived for until his feet were on the cobbles, and his eyes on the harbor and the far line of the sea. Then he remembered what was worth remembering.
The winter pa.s.sed by, and the cold early spring, and with the warm late spring came a letter from his mother, brought by a carter. Diamond read it and took it to Master Hemlock, saying, "My mother wonders if I might spend a month at home this summer."
"Probably not," the wizard said, and then, appearing to notice Diamond, put down his pen and said, "Young man, I must ask you if you wish to continue studying with me."
Diamond had no idea what to say. The idea of its being up to him had not occurred to him. "Do you think I ought to?" he asked at last.
"Probably not," the wizard said.
Diamond expected to feel relieved, released, but found he felt rejected, ashamed.
"I"m sorry," he said, with enough dignity that Hemlock glanced up at him.
"You could go to Roke," the wizard said.
"To Roke?"
The boy"s drop-jawed stare irritated Hemlock, though he knew it shouldn"t. Wizards are used to overweening confidence in the young of their kind. They expect modesty to come later, if at all. "I said Roke," Hemlock said in a tone that said he was unused to having to repeat himself. And then, because this boy, this soft-headed, spoiled, moony boy had endeared himself to Hemlock by his uncomplaining patience, he took pity on him and said, "You should either go to Roke or find a wizard to teach you what you need. Of course you need what I can teach you. You need the names. The art begins and ends in naming. But that"s not your gift. You have a poor memory for words. You must train it diligently. However, it"s clear that you do have capacities, and that they need cultivation and discipline, which another man can give you better than I can." So does modesty breed modesty, sometimes, even in unlikely places. "If you were to go to Roke, I"d send a letter with you drawing you to the particular attention of the Master Summoner."
"Ah," said Diamond, floored. The Summoner"s art is perhaps the most arcane and dangerous of all the arts of magic.
"Perhaps I am wrong," said Hemlock in his dry, flat voice. "Your gift may be for Pattern. Or perhaps it"s an ordinary gift for shaping and transformation. I"m not certain."
"But you are-I do actually-"
"Oh yes. You are uncommonly slow, young man, to recognize your own capacities." It was spoken harshly, and Diamond stiffened up a bit.
"I thought my gift was for music," he said.
Hemlock dismissed that with a flick of his hand. "I am talking of the True Art," he said. "Now I will be frank with you. I advise you to write your parents-I shall write them too-informing them of your decision to go to the School on Roke, if that is what you decide; or to the Great Port, if the Mage Restive will take you on, as I think he will, with my recommendation. But I advise against visiting home. The entanglement of family, friends, and so on is precisely what you need to be free of. Now, and henceforth."
"Do wizards have no family?"
Hemlock was glad to see a bit of fire in the boy. "They are one another"s family," he said.
"And no friends?"
"They may be friends. Did I say it was an easy life?" A pause. Hemlock looked directly at Diamond. "There was a girl," he said.
Diamond met his gaze for a moment, looked down, and said nothing.
"Your father told me. A witch"s daughter, a childhood playmate. He believed that you had taught her spells."
"She taught me."
Hemlock nodded. "That is quite understandable, among children. And quite impossible now. Do you understand that?" "No," Diamond said.
"Sit down," said Hemlock. After a moment Diamond took the stiff, high-backed chair facing him.
"I can protect you here, and have done so. On Roke, of course, you"ll be perfectly safe. The very walls, there...But if you go home, you must be willing to protect yourself. It"s a difficult thing for a young man, very difficult-a test of a will that has not yet been steeled, a mind that has not yet seen its true goal. I very strongly advise that you not take that risk. Write your parents, and go to the Great Port, or to Roke. Half your year"s fee, which I"ll return to you, will see to your first expenses."
Diamond sat upright and still. He had been getting some of his father"s height and girth lately, and looked very much a man, though a very young one.
"What did you mean, Master Hemlock, in saying that you had protected me here?"
"Simply as I protect myself," the wizard said; and after a moment, testily, "The bargain, boy. The power we give for our power. The lesser state of being we forego. Surely you know that every true man of power is celibate."
There was a pause, and Diamond said, "So you saw to it...that I..."
"Of course. It was my responsibility as your teacher."
Diamond nodded. He said, "Thank you." Presently he stood up.
"Excuse me, Master," he said. "I have to think."
"Where are you going?"
"Down to the waterfront."
"Better stay here."
"I can"t think, here."
Hemlock might have known then what he was up against; but having told the boy he would not be his master any longer, he could not in conscience command him. "You have a true gift, Essiri," he said, using the name he had given the boy in the springs of the Amia, a word that in the Old Speech means Willow. "I don"t entirely understand it. I think you don"t understand it at all. Take care! To misuse a gift, or to refuse to use it, may cause great loss, great harm."
Diamond nodded, suffering, contrite, unrebellious, unmovable.
"Go on," the wizard said, and he went.
Later he knew he should never have let the boy leave the house. He had underestimated Diamond"s willpower, or the strength of the spell the girl had laid on him. Their conversation was in the morning; Hemlock went back to the ancient cantrip he was annotating; it was not till supper time that he thought about his pupil, and not until he had eaten supper alone that he admitted that Diamond had run away.
Hemlock was 10th to practice any of the lesser arts of magic. He did not put out a finding spell, as any sorcerer might have done. Nor did he call to Diamond in any way. He was angry; perhaps he was hurt. He had thought well of the boy, and offered to write the Summoner about him, and then at the first test of character Diamond had broken. "Gla.s.s," the wizard muttered. At least this weakness proved he was not dangerous. Some talents were best not left to run wild, but there was no harm in this fellow, no malice. No ambition. "No spine," said Hemlock to the silence of the house. "Let him crawl home to his mother." to practice any of the lesser arts of magic. He did not put out a finding spell, as any sorcerer might have done. Nor did he call to Diamond in any way. He was angry; perhaps he was hurt. He had thought well of the boy, and offered to write the Summoner about him, and then at the first test of character Diamond had broken. "Gla.s.s," the wizard muttered. At least this weakness proved he was not dangerous. Some talents were best not left to run wild, but there was no harm in this fellow, no malice. No ambition. "No spine," said Hemlock to the silence of the house. "Let him crawl home to his mother."
Still it rankled him that Diamond had let him down flat, without a word of thanks or apology. So much for good manners, he thought.
As she blew out the lamp and got into bed, the witch"s daughter heard an owl calling, the little, liquid hu-hu-hu-hu that made people call them laughing owls. She heard it with a mournful heart. That had been their signal, summer nights, when they sneaked out to meet in the willow grove down on the banks of the Amia, when everybody else was sleeping. She would not think of him at night. Back in the winter she had sent to him night after night. She had learned her mother"s spell of sending, and knew that it was a true spell. She had sent him her touch, her voice saying his name, again and again. She had met a wall of air and silence. She touched nothing. He would not hear.
Several times, all of a sudden, in the daytime, there had been a moment when she had known him close in mind and could touch him if she reached out. But at night she knew only his blank absence, his refusal of her. She had stopped trying to reach him, months ago, but her heart was still very sore.
"Hu-hu-hu," said the owl, under her window, and then it said, "Darkrose!" Startled from her misery, she leaped out of bed and opened the shutters.
"Come on out," whispered Diamond, a shadow in the starlight.
"Mother"s not home. Come in!" She met him at the door.
They held each other tight, hard, silent for a long time. To Diamond it was as if he held his future, his own life, his whole life, in his arms.
At last she moved, and kissed his cheek, and whispered, "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you. How long can you stay?"
"As long as I like."
She kept his hand and led him in. He was always a little reluctant to enter the witch"s house, a pungent, disorderly place thick with the mysteries of women and witchcraft, very different from his own clean comfortable home, even more different from the cold austerity of the wizard"s house. He shivered like a horse as he stood there, too tall for the herb-festooned rafters. He was very highly strung, and worn out, having walked forty miles in sixteen hours without food.
"Where"s your mother?" he asked in a whisper.
"Sitting with old Ferny. She died this afternoon, Mother will be there all night. But how did you get here?"
"Walked."
"The wizard let you visit home?"
"I ran away."
"Ran away! Why?"
"To keep you."
He looked at her, that vivid, fierce, dark face in its rough cloud of hair. She wore only her shift, and he saw the infinitely delicate, tender rise of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He drew her to him again, but though she hugged him she drew away again, frowning.
"Keep me?" she repeated. "You didn"t seem to worry about losing me all winter. What made you come back now?"
"He wanted me to go to Roke."
"To Roke?" She stared. "To Roke, Di? Then you really do have the gift-you could be a sorcerer?"
To find her on Hemlock"s side was a blow.
"Sorcerers are nothing to him. He means I could be a wizard. Do magery. Not just witchcraft."
"Oh I see," Rose said after a moment. "But I don"t see why you ran away."
They had let go of each other"s hands.
"Don"t you understand?" he said, exasperated with her for not understanding, because he had not understood. "A wizard can"t have anything to do with women. With witches. With all that."
"Oh, I know. It"s beneath them."
"It"s not just beneath them-"
"Oh, but it is. I"ll bet you had to unlearn every spell I taught you. Didn"t you?"
"It isn"t the same kind of thing."
"No. It isn"t the High Art. It isn"t the True Speech. A wizard mustn"t soil his lips with common words. "Weak as women"s magic, wicked as women"s magic," you think I don"t know what they say? So, why did you come back here?"
"To see you!"
"What for?"
"What do you think?"
"You never sent to me, you never let me send to you, all the time you were gone. I was just supposed to wait until you got tired of playing wizard. Well, I got tired of waiting." Her voice was nearly inaudible, a rough whisper.
"Somebody"s been coming around," he said, incredulous that she could turn against him. "Who"s been after you?"
"None of your business if there is! You go off, you turn your back on me. Wizards can"t have anything to do with what I do, what my mother does. Well, I don"t want anything to do with what you do, either, ever. So go!"
Starving hungry, frustrated, misunderstood, Diamond reached out to hold her again, to make her body understand his body, repeating that first, deep embrace that had held all the years of their lives in it. He found himself standing two feet back, his hands stinging and his ears ringing and his eyes dazzled. Thc lightning was in Rose"s eyes, and her hands sparked as she clenched them. "Never do that again," she whispered.
"Never fear," Diamond said, turned on his heel, and strode out. A string of dried sage caught on his head and trailed after him.
HE SPENT THE NIGHT in their old place in the sallows. Maybe he hoped she would come, but she did not come, and he soon slept in sheer weariness. He woke in the first, cold light. He sat up and thought. He looked at life in that cold light. It was a different matter from what he had believed it. He went down to the stream in which he had been named. He drank, washed his hands and face, made himself look as decent as he could, and went up through the town to the fine house at the high end, his father"s house.
After the first outcries and embraces, the servants and his mother sat him right down to breakfast. So it was with warm food in his belly and a certain chill courage in his heart that he faced his father, who had been out before breakfast seeing off a string of timber-carts to the Great Port.