SMITH: Er--um--let me see.
MEPH. (_aside_): Look in the Introduction and pretend you did it by accident.
SMITH (_having done so_): 431 B.C. _circ_.
CONSCIENCE _wipes away a tear_.
CONSCIENCE: Thucydides made himself a thorough master of the concisest of styles.
MEPH.: And in doing so became infernally obscure. Excuse shop.
SMITH (_gloomily_): Hum!
MEPH. (_sneeringly_): Ha!
_Long pause_.
CONSCIENCE (_gently_): Do you not think, my dear lad, that you had better begin? Time and tide, as you are aware, wait for no man. And--
SMITH: Yes?
CONSCIENCE: You have not, I fear, a very firm grasp of the subject.
However, if you work hard till eleven--
SMITH (_gloomily_): Hum! Three hours!
MEPH. (_cheerily_): Exactly so. Three hours. A little more if anything. By the way, excuse me asking, but have you prepared the subject thoroughly during the term?
SMITH: My _dear_ sir! Of _course!_
CONSCIENCE (_reprovingly_):???!!??!
SMITH: Well, perhaps, not quite so much as I might have done. Such a lot of things to do this term. Cricket, for instance.
MEPH.: Rather. Talking of cricket, you seemed to be shaping rather well last Sat.u.r.day. I had just run up on business, and someone told me you made eighty not out. Get your century all right?
SMITH (_brightening at the recollection_): Just a bit--117 not out. I hit--but perhaps you"ve heard?
MEPH.: Not at all, not at all. Let"s hear all about it.
_CONSCIENCE seeks to interpose, but is prevented by MEPH., who eggs SMITH on to talk cricket for over an hour._
CONSCIENCE _(at last; in an acid voice)_: That is a history of the Peloponnesian War by Thucydides on the table in front of you. I thought I would mention it, in case you had forgotten.
SMITH: Great Scott, yes! Here, I say, I must start.
CONSCIENCE: Hear! Hear!
MEPH. _(insinuatingly)_: One moment. Did you say you _had_ prepared this book during the term? Afraid I"m a little hard of hearing. Eh, what?
SMITH: Well--er--no, I have not. Have you ever played billiards with a walking-stick and five b.a.l.l.s?
MEPH.: Quite so, quite so. I quite understand. Don"t you distress yourself, old chap. You obviously can"t get through a whole book of Thucydides in under two hours, can you?
CONSCIENCE _(severely)_: He might, by attentive application to study, master a considerable portion of the historian"s _chef d"oeuvre_ in that time.
MEPH.: Yes, and find that not one of the pa.s.sages he had prepared was set in the paper.
CONSCIENCE: At the least, he would, if he were to pursue the course which I have indicated, greatly benefit his mind.
MEPH. _gives a short, derisive laugh. Long pause._
MEPH. _(looking towards bookshelf)_: Hullo, you"ve got a decent lot of books, pommy word you have. _Rodney Stone, Vice Versa, Many Cargoes._ Ripping. Ever read _Many Cargoes?_
CONSCIENCE _(glancing at his watch)_: I am sorry, but I must really go now. I will see you some other day.
_Exit sorrowfully._
MEPH.: Well, thank goodness _he"s_ gone. Never saw such a fearful old bore in my life. Can"t think why you let him hang on to you so. We may as well make a night of it now, eh? No use your trying to work at this time of night.
SMITH: Not a bit.
MEPH.: Did you say you"d not read _Many Cargoes?_
SMITH: Never. Only got it today. Good?
MEPH.: Simply ripping. All short stories. Make you yell.
SMITH _(with a last effort)_: But don"t you think--
MEPH.: Oh no. Besides, you can easily get up early tomorrow for the Thucydides.
SMITH: Of course I can. Never thought of that. Heave us _Many Cargoes._ Thanks.
_Begins to read. MEPH. grins fiendishly, and vanishes through floor enveloped in red flame. Sobbing heard from the direction of the ceiling.
Scene closes._
Next morning, of course, he will oversleep himself, and his Thucydides paper will be of such a calibre that that eminent historian will writhe in his grave.
[14]
NOTES
Of all forms of lettered effusiveness, that which exploits the original work of others and professes to supply us with right opinions thereanent is the least wanted.