"Wait, what?" Maxi ignores me.
"And then you didn"t show up for work this morning but you weren"t at home when I tried to stop by with a get well soon kit with a stunning 2010 cab from Ballentine Vineyards that I"m so not sharing with you now." Maxi takes a deep breath. "Okay, but he was good in bed, right? Did you tie him up? Did you beat him with a whip? Oh, oh, oh, if he really is into that kinky sub stuff, you should get these really cool restraints I saw online. They slide under the mattress in an X shape, and you can use them whenever, but they also tuck away, so n.o.body sees them."
"Maxi," I begin, bracing for another interruption. Only this time she waits quietly, and I have to struggle to come up with something to say. I clear my throat. "Maxi, you better d.a.m.n well have saved that wine for me. If not, I will not be inviting you over this evening to share stories." Maxi gasps again.
"If you invited me over, we"d definitely be failing the Bechdel test, right?" she asks, and I snort, tugging on the red tie that"s looped loosely around my neck.
"No. We"d discuss the plight of the Tidewater Goby and how the fish is endangered and important to protect since it"s endemic to the streams and lagoons of the California coast. That"ll give us a pa.s.s on the test and afterwards, we can discuss Lex Lyndon and his ma.s.sive horse d.i.c.k."
"My ma.s.sive what?"
I scream and drop the cell on the floor, bending down to pick it up before turning to face Lex Lyndon. How he managed to pull up, unlock the door, and walk in without my noticing only serves to further prove how out of my G.o.dd.a.m.n mind I am for even being in his house this morning.
"What happened?" Maxi"s asking, voice rising with panic. I guess my scream was fairly convincing.
"It"s nothing. Just ... Lex. I have to go, Maxi." She gasps yet again, right before I hang up on her and realize that I never did ask her if she told Lara Caliper about Lex"s contract. I decide it doesn"t matter and hos before bros and all that s.h.i.t. I"ll ask Maxi tonight when she stops by, and if she did tell my secret, I"m sure there"s a good reason for it. I"ll get over it. I"m a strong woman.
I stare at Lex staring back at me, realizing as I do so that a major portion of our communication is made up of silent eye contact and lip twitching. He smiles at me; I frown at him. He"s perfectly clean and tailored back to that ideal state of being that I"m used to seeing. Gone is the mussy haired guy with the j.i.z.z on his head. I realize I actually almost kind of miss him.
"My horse d.i.c.k?" he asks, and I hate the s.e.xy grin that rips across his face and brings a spot of wetness blooming between my inner thighs. d.a.m.n it. s.e.x is like potato chips stay away from them and you can resist, eat one and you are screwed.
"I was talking about Maxi"s actual horse," I say which is really dumb because we live in f.u.c.king downtown San Francisco. Lex raises an eyebrow at me, looking delicious in his dark suit. Today, he"s sporting a purple tie that"s just begging for me to grab hold of it, drag him to me, crush our mouths together until ...
s.h.i.t.
I cut that line of thinking off at the throat and cross my arms over my chest, knowing how stupid I probably look in his boxers and b.u.t.ton-down, tie dangling off my neck in a slash of red.
Lex sets a bag down on the counter and immediately, I smell food. My stomach rumbles and I have to swallow several times before I can get myself together. If I"m not mistaken, there"s wonton soup in them there containers. f.u.c.king a.s.shole. Either he"s teasing me with food I don"t get to eat or he"s brought me the soup we both ate last week as some sort of hey, remember that one time gesture. Either way, this is going to get dangerous.
"Really? Where does she board? I know it can be a headache trying to find a good place within driving distance." Lex sighs dramatically. "One of the few downsides of our beautiful city is lack of s.p.a.ce." Lex shrugs his suit jacket off and then reaches up to loosen his tie.
"What do you know about horses?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest defiantly. I have a feeling that this is an argument I will soon lose, but to save face, I have to try.
"My family has a ranch in Saratoga where we keep our horses." He smiles at me and the expression is ... friendly enough but tinged with something darker, like a shark smiling at you right before he bites down. "It"s eight and a half acres, absolutely beautiful. I"d love for you to come visit sometime." I ignore the invitation and, more importantly, the implication that we"ll have some sort of future relationship where visiting the Lyndon family horse ranch would be a suitable option for a weekend getaway.
"Eight and a half acres, huh?" I ask, trying to keep him from asking that if I was indeed taking about an actual horse, why then was I referring to said horse as Lex and, especially, why I was talking this horse"s ma.s.sive erection. "Pretty pricey I take it?"
Lex moves around the counter towards me, but I don"t step back. I"ll never step away from or cower from any man. My mothers taught me better than that. Today, though, today Lex doesn"t seem like he"s trying to intimidate me. It actually seems like he might be trying to ... touch me.
"Twenty nine million dollars," he says, and I almost choke on my spit. "That was before it was developed. It"s worth three times that now." Lex reaches out and takes hold of my tie, tying it in a proper knot. I let him not sure why, but I do and then watch as he steps back and continues to smile at me. "But I don"t think you really care about horses, do you, Oli?" Argh! Why does he have to use my nickname? I find it easier to hate on him when he says Miss Ashcraft.
"What"s your point? Maybe I was talking about a horse, maybe I was talking about your d.i.c.k. I f.u.c.ked it last night, so that gives me every right to gossip with my friend about it." Lex"s mouth twitches and some of that familiar anger rises again, turning his cheeks a slight shade of red not from embarra.s.sment but from irritation.
"Is this the same girl you gossiped to about our contract?"
"Hah!" I shout, poking Lex right in the chest as I remember the contract and the STD test results he left on the pillow for me. "Wouldn"t you like to know that? Besides, even if it was Maxi, she"d never tell a soul. Point your accusatory finger elsewhere, please." Lex glares at me and I glare right back. "Besides, speaking of contracts, this is not our contract but rather yours, and I have no clue what you f.u.c.king intended by leaving those test results on the pillow." I pause and take a deep breath to continue ranting. "And, furthermore, what the h.e.l.l do you think you"re doing, borrowing my car? You never asked. And you didn"t wake me up for work. You just leave me here in your bed, drooling all over your expensive pillows." I lift my chin up defiantly and wait for his response.
Lex stares back at me for a moment, nostrils flaring in anger.
"You f.u.c.ked me last night multiple times. You did exactly as I asked in the contract. Why not just sign it? It won"t change anything. We can continue on like this for an exclusive six month period and you"ll make a fortune. Why are you being so stubborn?"
I raise my eyebrows at him and find myself gaping in astonishment at his idiocy.
"Are you freaking serious right now, Lex? You thought because I f.u.c.ked you that I would automatically sign your stupid contract? Did you not understand a word that I said to you on Friday?" He narrows his eyes at me and they"re gray as concrete, none of that strange warmth left in them.
"It makes no sense for you to continue to do this for free when you could make such a handsome profit."
I scream, seriously scream in wild frustration. Either the man is stupid or his view of the world is so warped that he just isn"t getting it.
"Lex. I had s.e.x with you because I felt like getting laid. That"s it." I slap my hands together like I"m brushing dirt off my palms. "Period. End of sentence. There is no continue, okay? Me and you," I point between us, "this is it."
"Olivia," Lex says stepping back and opening the plastic bag on the counter. He extracts two plastic containers and pushes one towards me like a peace offering. I stare at it for a moment before looking back up at him. He"s still mad, but he"s controlling his anger, tamping it down and biting it back. "Let"s eat and discuss this rationally. As far as work, I"m sorry I didn"t wake you up, but I can guarantee that the boss isn"t upset about it." He offers up another one of those weird smile things at me. I just stare back at him, my eyes wide and practically bulging out of my head. What am I doing here? "Just make sure you"re there at eight tomorrow or I"m writing you up." Lex says this completely deadpan, but I think he"s ... joking with me.
I stand there for at least a full minute just staring.
"As far as the STD results, you asked for them."
"I did not."
"Yes, you did," he grinds out through gritted teeth.
"No, I didn"t," I grind right back. Lex throws up a hand and then tears the lid from his soup, sending a rush of steam whirling up into the air.
"I have a very good memory, Olivia." Lex moves away from the counter and opens a drawer, extracting two spoons and laying them on the counter in front of me. I think they"re real silver. "If you can prove to me that you"re clean, we could try it next time." He grins as he recites my words back to me in perfect order.
I frown.
"That test was from two weeks ago. Doesn"t prove a d.a.m.n thing. Who knows how many women you"ve slept with since then."
"The answer would be zero," he tells me, grabbing his soup and retreating into the dining room. I stand there in his fancy kitchen, nose twitching, mouth watering.
"Grr," I whisper under my breath, grabbing the d.a.m.n soup and spoon and following after him. Not because he"s won or anything but because I"m f.u.c.king starving to death, and I never turn down free Chinese food.
I scoot quickly into the room and snag the chair at the head of the table right after Lex pulls it out. He glares down at me but manages to fight back a surge of rage, folding his long, gorgeous body into the chair directly next to mine.
"Zero?" I ask incredulously. "You"ve slept with zero chicks in two weeks?"
"Chicks?" Lex echoes, shaking his head. His face seems slightly less red though. "You mean women. Yes. Zero. I told you, Olivia Ashcraft, I"m sick and f.u.c.king tired of yes-women and, even worse, spoiled rich girls that my family tries to set me up with." Lex stirs his soup with his spoon and his eyes glaze over. I wonder if he"s thinking of Lara Caliper?
"Um. Okay." I scoop a wonton into my mouth and groan in pleasure. Lex"s attention snaps up to my face. "Doesn"t mean I"m going to ride you bareback," I say around the steaming hot dumpling. Lex wrinkles his nose at me, but it doesn"t matter. I don"t care what he thinks. I point at him with my spoon. "Last night was it, buddy." c.r.a.p. Called my boss buddy again. Whatever. I figure since he had his d.i.c.k inside my p.u.s.s.y, we"re past that stage.
"But why?" Lex asks me, trying to switch from angry and annoyed to charming. Since I"ve actually never seen him be charming, the switch is startling. He leans forward and puts his chin in his palm, resting his elbow on the gorgeous tabletop. "If you enjoyed it half as much as I did, you"d definitely be considering joining me at the San Francisco Symphony next weekend for a delightful musical rendition of Peter and the Wolf."
"Are you asking me out on a date?" I whisper, leaning towards him for confirmation.
"It"s a corporate appreciation evening, meaning it"s not open to the public." Lex continues to smile at me with his full lips. "Lyndon Realty Trust is a major supporter of the arts."
"Uh huh."
"I could take you to the ballet for the Nutcracker in December."
"Hmm."
"Or to the Museum of Modern Art, after hours. Just me and you."
"Right."
Lex purses his lips. I find it amusing that he complains about all of these "yes-women" as he so lovingly calls them and then finds it frustrating when I don"t swoon at his swarthy advances. I scoop another wonton into my mouth.
"Six months of pleasure, Olivia. Exclusivity. Parties. Events."
"I don"t care about any of that stuff," I tell him honestly.
"Not even about pleasure?" he asks and I sigh, putting the spoon back in the container and refusing to marvel at the fact that Alexander Lyndon, CEO of Lyndon Realty Trust, actually eats Chinese food out of plastic bowls.
I lean forward and take Lex"s hands in mine, fully intending on giving him a stone-faced lecture.
I don"t expect the rush of heat between us, the way my lips part, the way he tugs me forward onto his lap.
In less than an instant, Lex is unzipping his slacks and I"m shoving the boxers down my hips, kicking them off of one foot and letting them dangle off the other while I straddle Lex. My mind drifts to the STD test results, and I have to really swallow hard to think past the roar of blood in my ears. He"s clean. I"m on the pill. We"re responsible.
I slide myself onto Lex"s bare c.o.c.k with a groan we can both feel, pleasure reverberating through our bodies as I wrap my arms around his neck and ride him, fast and furious. The chair sc.r.a.pes on the floor as we move, hips grinding, the naked flesh of his d.i.c.k scalding my insides, turning my body into Jell-O. I grab a handful of his hair and jerk his head back, thrusting my tongue in his mouth, slamming our lips together. I think I bruise my face, but who cares? Who f.u.c.king cares?
I drop my head back and let my moans escape, echoing through the empty house as Lex groans and grunts beneath me. A minute later, my p.u.s.s.y"s throbbing and clenching and I"m screaming while Lex spills himself inside of me.
I collapse, sweaty, heart pounding furiously, leaning against his chest with my best oh, s.h.i.t! expression on my face. Thank G.o.d he can"t see it.
"Get your a.s.s in here now, I"m having a crisis," I tell Maxi as I wrench open the front door and usher her in. I didn"t wait for that Cabernet Sauvignon she promised; I"ve already broken out one of my own. This one"s a 2010 Keenan Mernet, Reserve a mix of Merlot, Cabernet Franc and Cabernet Sauvignon. I"ve consumed three-quarters of it in less than an hour.
Maxi raises her blonde brows at me, scooting into my narrow hallway with a basket under one arm and a book with a white cover in the other. I see blood splatters from where I"m standing, so I know it"s for me.
I hold out my hand and wiggle my fingers while Maxi sighs and pa.s.ses over Lost in a Rush of Gore and Pain a novel. I flip the book over with one hand and drain the gla.s.s of wine I have clutched in the other. If I"ve learned anything in the past week and a half, it"s that I drink too much f.u.c.king wine. I blame Lex Lyndon for that and decide that as soon as he"s scrubbed clean from my day to day, I"ll cut back to one gla.s.s of wine every other day. But right now, I need my adult grape juice to get through this.
"I don"t even know if you deserve a new book, much less a hardcover. I should"ve gotten you an eBook copy of How to Tell Your Best Friend You"re Dating Your s.h.i.thead Boss for Dumba.s.ses." I wave Maxi away and turn around, heading towards the living room as I scour the description on the back of the book.
Two hardboiled police detectives embroiled in a world of crime and pa.s.sion, chasing a serial killer known only as T"Pain. I pause and glance up at Maxi.
"T"Pain?" I ask her skeptically and she shrugs.
"It was in the bestseller section. I just a.s.sumed it was good." I give Maxi my best narrow eyed glare, the kind I seem to be using a lot on Lex Lyndon lately, especially after I rutted with him in his dining room ... bareback. I glared at him, and then I booked it the f.u.c.k out of there, s.n.a.t.c.hed my s.h.i.t up and practically flew down the stairs of his porch to get to my car. First thing I did when I got back? Showered and tried not to think about the fact that I let him come inside of me.
"Fuuuuuck," I groan, letting my back slam into the wall and clutching the book to my chest. Maxi sighs and sets down her get well soon kit, the kind she always makes for me when I"m sick. Or sleeping with misogynistic pigs.
"I know you hate bestsellers, Olivia, but they"re not all bad. I know T"Pain seems like a strange name for a serial killer, but maybe the book"s still good? I checked the ending for you, too. Looks like a clean wrap."
"It"s not the book," I say, knowing Maxi"s not going to like this. I stand up straight and squeeze the book in my hands like it"s a stress ball. "Lex ... showed me a copy of his latest STD test results and they were clean."
My friend"s expression shifts from affectionately annoyed to what the f.u.c.k are even talking about in an instant.
"His ... latest ... STD ... " Maxi stops talking and tilts her head to the side. Her blonde hair swings like a curtain, shimmering with the reflection of the orange light from my fireplace. As soon as I got home, it started to rain and I knew it was a real wood fire kind of a night. I hopped on my computer, made sure there weren"t any Winter Spare the Air Alerts in effect and lit that b.i.t.c.h up with the fires of my rage (and a plastic lighter I dug out of my junk drawer). In case you were wondering, Winter Spare the Air Alerts are totally legit the city"s attempt at "reducing fine particulate matter air pollution". If you"re not entirely sure what that is, join the club and then go ask the moms. They can produce a dossier on the subject at a moment"s notice. "No," Maxi whispers as I glance back down at the book and pretend I"m really interested in the editorial review quotes. "No, no, no!" she groans, slumping and scooting away from me to collapse on the couch. "You got the sperms, didn"t you?!"
"Don"t call them that!" I yell back at her, pointing a finger and narrowing my eyes. "You got the sperms from that one doctor a.s.shole you dated, too!"
"He was a feminist!" Maxi screams back at me.
"He so was not! He said he didn"t believe in women"s suffrage!"
"IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION!"
Maxi and I both pause our screaming argument to pant and glare at one another before breaking into radiant smiles.
"You"re right. The doctor dude was an a.s.shole, and stupid, too. But," she pauses to lift up a finger, "he wasn"t as much of an a.s.shole as Lex Lyndon." Maxi tears her black heels from her feet and tosses them over my coffee table to roll across the white carpeting.
"That"s true," I admit as she wiggles out of her panty hose and b.a.l.l.s them up in her hand with a sigh. Thankfully I"m no longer wearing Lex"s clothes, having switched them out for a shirt with the Golden Gate Bridge stretching across the top and a pair of sweatpants that have seen better days.
"And it"s not like you to go after a man with an att.i.tude problem like that. He"s disrespectful and annoying. I always thought you"d get with some sweet natured man who had aspirations of being a house husband or something."
"Wait, stop, do you hear yourself? Get with? I"m not getting with Lex, Maxi. We just screwed a few times, one of those times having been bareback. It was hot, messy, and now it"s over." My friend looks at me like she doesn"t believe me, laying one arm out along the back of the couch while I dig through her get well basket and find the promised bottle of wine.
"Um, "kay." Maxi looks sidelong at the sliding gla.s.s door to her left, the slightly parted curtains, the fall of rain slapping against the cement floor of my balcony. "But before, when you"ve screwed or dated guys, you"ve never talked about them this often. Or this vehemently." Maxi"s pale eyes flicker back to my face. "And you definitely never spent the night at their house."
I purse my lips.
"Series of freak accidents and events," I tell her, wondering why everyone in my life has to overa.n.a.lyze my personal business. "Now, do you want to hear about the s.e.x or not?" I ask her, pouring some wine into the empty gla.s.s I left on the coffee table for her. Maxi sighs and leans down to grab it, sitting back and tucking herself comfortably into the corner of my couch.
"You promised we"d talk about the Tidewater Goby while I was here," she jokes, raising her gla.s.s to mine. "But I guess you can describe our boss" d.i.c.k first. Okay, circ.u.mcised or uncirc.u.mcised? Please say circ.u.mcised because I"ve had several fantasies of f.u.c.king Lex Lyndon and in them, he was always circ.u.mcised." I give Maxi a look, tossing Lost in a Rush of Gore and Pain a novel onto my coffee table before taking up residence on the opposite side of the couch.
"How about a sort of light, skim over the details version of my night?" I don"t really want to dive into every little nuance of Lex and my interactions with one another. That"s not my style. Believe it or not, Maxi and I hardly ever talk about men. They"re just not as important to us as you might think. It actually is possible for women in their thirties to care about things other than husbands and children. Both words, by the way, actually make me cringe a little inside. I don"t want a husband. I"ve only ever been interested in a partner. Lex just doesn"t fit either of those t.i.tles.
"Don"t be selfish, Oli. I spent all morning watching him strut around like a peac.o.c.k and all afternoon watching steam explode from his ears as he screamed at everyone on floor twelve. What the h.e.l.l did you do to the guy?"
"I left." I take a sip of my wine and close my eyes. I still can"t believe Lex tried to ask me out on a proper date in a really s.h.i.tty way. Oh, look at these awesome perks you"ll get from being my wh.o.r.e, Olivia. I mean, really? Really? What did he think I was going to say? "He left the contract on the pillow for me to find when I woke up. He still wants me to sign it." I pause, staring into the fire for a moment. "Oh, and yeah, he was circ.u.mcised."
"I knew it," Maxi mumbles as I lean over and dig out a container of hummus and some water crackers from the get well basket. I take off the lid and toss it onto the coffee table, scooping up a ma.s.sive bite of creamy roasted garlic. "And huge, right?"
"Ma.s.sive," I say around the bite of cracker. I look back at Maxi who"s waiting patiently for more details and try to figure out how to describe Lex in a way that"ll satisfy her but also move this conversation along. I thought I"d be eager to gossip with my best friend, but really, I just want to stop thinking about Lex Lyndon every thirty seconds. "Eight inches, maybe?" I guess and Maxi"s eyes bulge out of her head as she leans forward for more deets as she calls them. I don"t mind adding the extra syllable and calling them details, but I can be old fashioned in the weirdest of ways. "Perfect abs, perfect chest, good in bed, blah, blah, blah. Totally boring, Maxi. Seriously." I look at her and her crinkled brow.
"Deliciously hot and good in bed is boring to you?"
"No, mean and arrogant and so full of himself that one day, he may very well just pop like a balloon is boring to me. He had the audacity to trot out some supposed "dates"," I make little quote symbols with my fingers, "that we wanted me to go on as his, I don"t know, official mistress or whatever."
"You should go," Maxi says as I give her a glare hot enough to scald. "Go. Enjoy yourself. h.e.l.l, take him to that stupid commitment celebration ceremony on Friday." I groan and face palm myself.
"Craig invited you, too?" I ask, staring down at the hummus and wondering why my life is so weird.
"Yeah, he did. And I"m going. And you should bring Lex. It"d be kind of funny, you have to admit. Test the guy out, see how far you can take him before he stretches to the limit and breaks. Your family has that effect on people." I lift my head up and shove another cracker in my mouth to distract myself.
"Did I tell you he showed up for poker night on Friday?" Maxi"s eyes get huge again. "Yeah, and the moms invited him, and he stayed." I shake my head and sigh. "He wasn"t even that bad to be around when he wasn"t posturing or acting like a douche." I take another sip of wine. "If I did invite him to that dinner thing though, it"d only be to humiliate him and then drive him away so I could go back to work in peace. I"d make him wear a This is What a Feminist Looks Like T-shirt and spend at least an hour there, talking to Craig"s strange menagerie of lovers. That"s more than enough weirdness to send the average person running for the hills."