Opening them, I peer up into his and allow myself to get lost momentarily in his deep blue irises. They send a wave crashing over me washing my fears away, and allowing a calm to settle inside my heart that was only a moment ago beating frantically against my chest.
"You okay?" His words are filled with fear, and I don"t want him to be afraid to touch me. Or for him to worry that one wrong move will shatter me, sending me back into the addiction that has crippled my life for too many years.
Nodding, I give him a weak smile, "I"m okay. Just a little overwhelmed. For the first time in eight years, I don"t feel guilty." I answer honestly with my voice cracking.
I refuse to cry.
I have cried enough tears. It"s time to allow myself to feel happiness.
Jordon sucks in a sharp intake of air, as he processes what I"m saying.
Sliding out of me, he leans down and presses a short kiss to my lips. Pushing up he searches my face as he looks to be struggling with whatever thoughts are bouncing around in his head.
With each pa.s.sing second of silence, my body tenses as fear seeps into my bones.
I am hard to handle on a good day, maybe Jordon is thinking he bit off more than he can chew.
Surprising me, Jordon grips the side of my face and crashes his mouth to mine for a soul shattering, heart stopping kiss. I sink into the couch beneath me as my body relaxes.
Stopping our kiss, Jordon rests his forehead against mine and lets out the s.e.xiest chuckle, "What are you doing to me Brittan McKenna?"
I let out a nervous laugh, "I don"t know...but I"d like to ask you the same thing."
Riding a New Kind of High.
It feels like it was just yesterday we were loading our buses to kick off this tour, and now it"s the eleventh of February! I never imagined I would be enjoying my tour as much as I am right now, but I"m actually have the most fun touring that I"ve had in years.
It"s been almost three weeks and six shows since Jordon moved onto my bus. Things between us have been amazing.
Overwhelming.
But absolutely amazing.
I am trying to heal, and Jordon is helping me with that. For now, we"re just friends with benefits, but I haven"t seen him hooking up with anyone besides me. I"ve had more than enough chances to hook up with guys over the last few weeks after shows, but I"m trying to stop my destructive behavior and focus on my sobriety. I"m also slowly learning to accept that it"s okay to be happy.
I have my moments where I feel like my world is starting to spin out of control, but whenever I do Jordon has been right there to help me through it. Roxie is Jordon"s biggest fan, and she hasn"t even met him yet. She says she can already see a difference. So I imagine she"ll spend the entire time she"s here grilling me about Jordon.
I"ve loved chilling together with both bands. We all have made it a ritual to get together on my bandmate"s bus and have poker night or just hang out while all we all play Kinect. I haven"t had this much fun with my own bandmates in forever. I"ve been so lost over the last few years and we all slowly began to grow apart.
Having Jordon come into my life has been a blessing in disguise. He"s been the extra support I need to stay clean and has helped me learn how to live again.
We have a show tonight in L.A. and Roxie is flying in to watch and spend a few days with me here. Matt also has a game in Los Angeles, so they"re going to spend Valentine"s Day in Napa Valley. We have a few days of down time here before we hit the road again to travel through the Midwest, so we"re going to stay at my house in Malibu. I haven"t been there since just before I overdosed, so it"s going to be weird walking through those doors sober.
My life fell apart while living in California, away from all my family and friends. I"m ready to start fresh and make some happy memories there. It"s a good sized beach house, so I"m letting all of Tempting Tomorrow stay there with us. Nash, Holden, Casper and Levi all have houses between Malibu and Los Angeles, but said they"ll stay the first night so we can party together. I told them we"ll use this time to celebrate the first five weeks of our tour being a success!
Right now I"m getting my hair and makeup done because we have a photo shoot and interview for our new alb.u.m. The guys have it easy; they take ten minutes in hair and makeup they"re all ready. Me, it takes two hours to look as amazing as they make me. I think I"ve tried on twenty outfits before I decided on a pleated red skirt, and black off the shoulder tee with a big skull on it. Adding a spiked bracelet, matching spike earrings and a new hoop ring for my nose, I complete the outfit with knee high lace up leather platform boots.
I love the outfit so much I"m going to see about keeping it and wearing it tonight at our concert. I look pretty f.u.c.king bada.s.s if I must say.
As you can guess, Envy Magazine is going for a hardcore cover to promote our Falling Into Darkness alb.u.m. We"ll have our cover and interview in the April issue, a month before the alb.u.m releases. Our first single on the alb.u.m has already broken into the top ten on Billboard"s Top 100. I will freak if we hit number one because it"s one of the songs I wrote while in rehab. I poured my heart and soul into it.
An extremely s.e.xy guy appears wearing nice tight jeans, b.u.t.ton up white dress shirt and dirty blonde hair styled in a faux hawk. He is definitely hot, and if I wasn"t banging Jordon and trying to stay on the straight and narrow, I"d so bang him in the closest storage closet I could find.
"Hey, I"m Reagan and I"ll be shooting you guys for the magazine cover and article." He says reaching his hand out to me first. He gives me a wicked grin that makes me just a little bit weak in the knees.
After shaking hands and introducing ourselves to Reagan, we dive straight into photo shoot mode. The shoot takes two hours and by the time we head to the boardroom for our interview; my feet are killing me, and we still have a show this evening.
Maybe I"ll skip wearing these boots tonight.
When we walked into the boardroom I instantly recognize Savannah Livingston-Knox. She"s been all over the press the last year. Her husband is Kayden Knox, a billionaire oil tyc.o.o.n from Houston and owner of Vertigo, one of the top night clubs. We have performed many times at the South Beach location.
Her parents are a chart topping country duo, and she was blessed with an amazing voice, but as we saw today, her pa.s.sion is in interviewing and not singing. I"ve seen the performances she"s done at her husband"s club posted on YouTube. She"s really progressed with her vocals, so I"m shocked she didn"t follow in her parents" footsteps. I guess you have to really want to be in this business because it can easily chew you up and spit you out.
After the shoot, we all went to the arena to get ready for rehearsal. I opted to take a nap on my tour bus before rehearsals, while the guys went and hung out with Jordon, Kingston, Lawson and Zane in the green room.
They won"t pa.s.s on a full bar anywhere.
I set my alarm on my cell to make sure I don"t oversleep but didn"t need it. I instantly wake up to the feeling of familiar hands sliding along my thigh under the blankets.
Opening my eyes, I am met with a heart stopping smile from Jordon.
"Hey, sleepyhead. We just finished our sound check. You guys are up in thirty." He says as he leans down and begins fluttering kisses along my bare shoulder.
I had taken my outfit off because I didn"t want to wrinkle it, and I think Jordon is pleased with me opting to sleep in my bra and panties. He has a mischievous gleam in his eye as he traces the top of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s with his rough, callused fingers.
Just the thought of what those fingers can do to me in a matter of seconds makes me clench my thighs together. I try to ignore the insistent throbbing between them.
"Well that hour went by fast." I laugh as I fall back on the bed, and gingerly slide my fingers through Jordon"s silky locks.
"I got you a mocha frappachino...well my a.s.sistant did, but hey, it"s the thought that counts." Climbing up onto his knees, he grabs the ice coffee off of the stand beside my bed and dangles it above my head.
I don"t think I"ve smiled this much since Cane. A hurt my cheeks; face-splitting grin is going on right now.
It"s surreal.
"Well, I think that deserves a proper thank you." I say matter-of-factly.
Fisting Jordon"s tight Nirvana tee, I pull him to me for a quick kiss. Just as he"s trying to deepen the kiss, I break away from his lips and with a sly smile I shoved him back onto the bed.
"No s.e.x, at least not until after the show. I need all the energy I can muster after the day I"ve had." I crawl between his legs and giggle at the sad puppy dog face he is displaying.
"You had me at proper thank you, and then you break my heart all in the same breath." His words come out whiny and oh-so-adorable.
Rolling my eyes, I get to work on unb.u.t.toning his jeans and freeing his d.i.c.k that is already hard and ready.
"I said no s.e.x...but there are other ways to thank you. But if you..." I don"t even get to finish my sentence before Jordon is cutting me off and flashing me a s.h.i.t eating grin.
"I am beyond okay with any way you want to thank me. I"d much rather have that pretty p.u.s.s.y of yours around my d.i.c.k, but your mouth will do. I don"t need Holden kicking my a.s.s because I made his lead singer exhausted before the show started."
Sticking my tongue out, I slowly slide it along his shaft. I love the way Jordon"s eyelids flutter and his breathing hitches as my tongue travels from root to tip.
"f.u.c.k...you just vibrated my entire f.u.c.king d.i.c.k..." He moans, as he fists a handful of hair and guides my mouth up and down his length.
Knowing we only have a few more seconds before I have to go inside the arena to warm up my voice, I stop playing around, and get into full-on c.o.c.k sucking mode. This d.i.c.k needs to finish. p.r.o.nto.
Wrapping my hand around it, I firmly grip his length as I cup his b.a.l.l.s with my other hand. Hallowing out my cheeks, I suck and slide my mouth up and down his d.i.c.k. I place my hand at his base and in conjunction with my saliva, jerk his d.i.c.k. I feel Jordon"s entire body tensing up as he nears his o.r.g.a.s.m.
Ma.s.saging his b.a.l.l.s that are now tightening in the palm of my hand, I suck harder. I slide it deeper down my throat as I jerk him faster. I"m immediately rewarded with his c.u.m filling my mouth.
I quickly swallow while I continue milking his d.i.c.k with my hand, causing Jordon to curse under his breath.
"Holy s.h.i.t...Brittan!"
I smile as I slide him out of my mouth and lick my lips.
"Well that was fun, but I gotta go warm up my vocals." I say slapping his thigh and jumping off the bed and begin throwing my clothes back on.
Jordon rests his hands under his head and stays lying in my bed with his d.i.c.k still semi hard. My body is screaming to get him hard again and have a quickie, but I"ve got a show to do!
Why does he have to look so f.u.c.king good all the time!?
"I just coated your throat with my magical cream, so I think you"ll blow the roof off tonight with those high notes you like to hit."
I can"t contain my laughter as I repeat the words, "magical cream" over and over in my head.
Men are idiots; I swear. They think they"re geniuses but seriously, they"re just h.o.r.n.y morons.
Grabbing my coffee, I kneel on the bed and give Jordon one more kiss before smiling down at him with a crooked grin, "We"ll see how I do tonight. If I hit every note effortlessly, I"ll suck your d.i.c.k before every show." I playfully slap his chest and give him a wink as I stand to slide my heels on.
"I"m going to hold you to that promise!" He shouts to me as I make my way through the bus.
Saying Goodbye to Ghosts of the Past.
Jordon.
"You really like her, don"t you?" Brittan"s friend Roxie asks, as we stand off to the side of the stage watching Beyond Redemption. We are done with our set, so I get to watch Brittan in her element.
Nodding, I glance at Roxie before my eyes lock back on Brittan. She"s head banging in the center of the stage with her fiery red hair flying around under the light show above her.
She never looks more f.u.c.king gorgeous then she does when she"s on stage.
"I really do. For right now, we"re just having fun, and I guess we"ll see where things go. But I hope that it will lead to more." I can"t believe I actually said that out loud at a concert.
"Thank G.o.d your fans can"t hear you, or we"d hear the crowd erupts in cries!" Roxie jokes with a big grin on her face.
Shaking my head, I let out a low chuckle, "Yeah, the female fans can get pretty f.u.c.king crazy. Our manager didn"t want Lawson to make it public he was in a relationship because it hurts sales or some s.h.i.t. His girlfriend Natasha flipped the f.u.c.k out. So, needless to say, he makes it very clear in all our interviews he is taken. No pleading the fifth for him."
"It"s crazy. Some of these girls actually believe they will marry y"all someday. I deal with that craziness daily. My husband, I don"t know if Brittan told you, play"s in the NBA. Girls at the parties he attends have no shame. They"ll try to seduce you, married or not. Women love to think they have the power to bring a man to his knees no matter how in love he is with someone else."
Raking my hands through my hair, I stand beside Roxie for a few seconds in a daze. I get lost watching Brittan, and it scares the s.h.i.t out of me the way my heart beats against my chest; it"s faster than Lawson can slam on his drum set.
With our career of choice, relationships pretty much always come with an expiration date no matter how hard you try and say yours will be different. Most of the time it ends with you both heart broken and going your separate ways.
We spent the next hour hanging out until after the show. When everyone was ready, we loaded onto the buses and headed towards Brittan"s home in Malibu. Roxie drove her car and met us there. We took advantage of having the bus to ourselves and even though there was no f.u.c.king going on, I spent the entire ride with Brittan straddling my lap and us making out like we were teenagers again.
It"s f.u.c.king insane what this girl is doing to me.
We"re definitely f.u.c.king the second our feet land in her house because my b.a.l.l.s are ready to explode.
I love this new side of Brittan I"ve been seeing these last few weeks. She seems happier and instead of looking like she"s on the verge of kicking me in the b.a.l.l.s; she"s groping them.
Life is good.
For me and my b.a.l.l.s.
Brittan "I am so happy you"re here. I have seriously been missing the h.e.l.l out of you!" I shout as run straight into Roxie"s arms, practically knocking us both onto the floor.
She"s lounging on the chaise that sits in front of a wall of windows overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
That is the main reason I bought this house in Malibu. The entire house is made of nothing but gla.s.s. It feels like you are outside even when you are inside. I love opening up all the doors and just letting the warm sea breeze blow through my house.
Laughing, she sits back up, "I missed you too. I thought it was about time I dragged my a.s.s to a concert and got together with my bestie. You killed it tonight. Seriously, you are like the Energizer bunny on stage."
I slide my gaze towards Jordon, who"s walking back into the living room with all our bandmates. They all have beers in tow; Jordon gives me a c.o.c.ky grin as he hands a beers to Roxie and me.
"Well I for one am glad Matt had a game in L.A. the same time we were in town so we can have some girl time. Now let"s party!" I shout tapping my bottle of Budweiser against hers.
"Let"s party!" Roxie parrots smiling at me and taking a sip from her beer.
Standing, I make my way across the room to get the music pumping throughout the house. Roxie, knowing me so well, opens all the doors leading out to the deck, instantly filling my house with the cool salty air.
Everyone makes their way out to the deck, and of course, except for Lawson, all of the guys have a groupie on their arms. He"ll be flying back to Chicago tomorrow morning to spend Valentine"s Day with Natasha.
Roxie and I are leaning against the railing talking when I feel Jordon press his body against mine, wrapping his arms around me. I momentarily lose my train of thought as I melt into Jordon"s embrace. It feels strange reacting this way.
I"m slowly allowing myself to live in the moment and Jordon is definitely helping me do that. I never thought he"d be so funny and sweet. Who knew I"d find the c.o.c.ky a.s.shole thing so appealing?