"What are you up to today?" I ask as I slip my helmet over my head.
"That"s for me to know and you to find out. First thing on our agenda, today, is: you and me taking a nice relaxing cruise on the bike along the coastline. So hop on." He says as he straddles the bike and pats the seat behind him.
Climbing on behind him, I press my body tightly against his and wrap my arms around his waist as he starts up the bike and takes off down my long winding driveway.
We spend the next hour just driving and taking in the gorgeous scenery that is Malibu, California. Today is beautiful with the temperatures in the seventies and a cool gentle breeze. It"s the perfect day for a ride on the Hog.
Soon, we start to make our way away from the Pacific coastline and begin cruising up towards the Santa Monica Mountains. I immediately realize we"re heading to Devils Backbone.
Soon enough, Jordon is pulling the bike into the parking lot at the entrance for the trail leading to the Devil"s Backbone. Turning off the bike, Jordon slips his helmet off and gazes back at me over his shoulder as I remove my helmet.
"Surprise number two, babe. You ready for a hike?" he asks before stepping off of the bike and taking my hand to help me off. Reaching into one of his side satchels, he grabs two bottles of water.
Taking my water I give him a playful smile, "You are full of surprises today. If I would"ve known we were coming here, I would"ve made sure we wore our running clothes so I could out run your a.s.s to the top." I tease as I interlock our fingers and pull him towards the trail.
He"s now made it his life"s mission to beat me to the top. Every time we"re in Malibu we come here to hike. We mainly spend all of our time in Miami, but when we want to get away from the craziness of the city and relax, we fly out here. Malibu is more tranquil, and we"re able to just chill and escape the hectic lives we live.
We just spent the last year touring all over Europe, Asia and Australia/New Zealand. I"m officially toured out and glad we get a year off to work on writing music and cutting a new alb.u.m. I"m sad because more than likely Jordon and I will go on separate tours the next time around. Each of us will headline our own tour since their career has skyrocketed over the past year and a half.
As we make our way up the trail Jordon surprises me by asking me to take the small trail to our left that leads to the Newton Canyon Falls. "A detour?" I ask with surprise in my voice. We"ve never wondered down the trail to the falls. We"ve always just run or hiked the six miles to the top, never venturing off to other trails.
"Yeah, a friend of mine told me we should check it out. It looks even better up close compared to a distance like we normally see it."
Never letting go of his hand, we make our way through the trail. After a few minutes, we finally come out at the opening to the falls. It"s breathtaking up close. The falls are tall but narrow, and the roar of the water as it crashes down into the tiny pool, gives this place a Zen feeling, instantly making you relax and feel at peace here.
"This is gorgeous. I"ve only ever explored the Zuma Falls; I"ve never hiked down this way." I say with awe in my voice as I pull out my phone and begin snapping pictures.
I feel Jordon press against my back as he wraps his hands around me hugging me tightly against him, "It is beautiful, but it doesn"t hold a candle to you, babe."
"You are just on an overload of sweetness today." I joke as I gently rub my hands over his before settling them there as we gaze up at the falls.
"It amazes me how all of this is Mother Nature"s work. It"s beautiful and astonishing when you think about it."
Breaking out of Jordon"s embrace, I walk to the edge of the tiny pool of water and dip my hands in it. I gaze up at the waterfall with the sunlight hitting it just right is causing a beautiful rainbow to appear inside of it.
I stay there a few moments delighting in the feeling of the mist sprinkling across my skin, cooling me off from our hike. Standing, I spin around to find Jordon down on one knee behind me holding a ring box.
Slapping my hand over my mouth, I m.u.f.fle a scream of shock and surprise.
My eyes lock onto his that right now look terrified. He must have planned all of today for this very moment.
I can"t believe it.
"Oh. My. G.o.d." I repeatedly say in almost a whisper, as I walk up to Jordon.
"Surprise?!" His words come out raspy and send a shiver down my spine. I can"t help but feel my heart swell with love and flutter in my chest the same way it did the first night we met.
I look down at the ring that"s sparkling in the sun, and tears begin to pool in my eyes. It"s absolutely beautiful and so perfect.
It"s a princess cut Ruby with a halo of diamonds around it. The platinum band is made completely of diamonds, and the entire ring detailing has a vintage look to it.
It immediately takes my breath away.
"It"s beautiful, Jordon. I can"t believe this is happening right now." I say laughing nervously as I slide my eyes from the ring back to Jordon.
"I"ve had this ring burning a hole in my pocket since we got back; I just couldn"t figure out the best way to do this. I wanted it to be special, not just for you, but for us as a couple. After thinking about it, I realized that this is the place we had our first date and its the perfect place to ask you to be my wife."
A sob escapes me as tears begin to trickle down my cheeks.
"It"s perfect."
Taking my right hand in his, he slides his thumb over my small diamond and the tiny ruby b.u.t.terflies on my engagement ring from Cane. I"ve worn it on my right hand since Jordon and I were in Chicago.
I knew I had to let go of Cane, but also hold on to the memories and life I had with him. I couldn"t remove it completely. So after talking with Jordon, he told me he understood and was completely okay with me wearing it on my right hand, leaving my left hand open to a future with him.
Raising his eyes back up to mine, Jordon lets out a shaky breath before he speaks, "I know that when you envisioned yourself walking down the aisle, it was with Cane, and you never thought you"d be able to fall in love again."
I feel like it"s impossible to breathe right now. I"m still trying to let it sink in. This is really happening. He"s proposing. I slide my hand over his rough stubble and smile lovingly down at him through my tears.
"To know you"ve opened up your heart to me and given me the chance to love you, after having your heart broken so tragically, Brittan, it meant everything to me. Over the last year and nine months that I"ve gotten to know you, I"ve spent it falling deeper in love with you." Taking my left hand into his he presses a soft kiss to my fingers before continuing, "I can"t help but thank Cane each and every day we have had together for bringing you into my life. Without his ultimate sacrifice for our country, our lives probably never would"ve crossed paths. So for that I"m grateful to him, and I"m grateful to you for showing me what the meaning of true love is. I feel it every time you walk into a room, or when you grace my lips with a sweet kiss. My love for you sees no end. I would be honored if you said yes to marrying me and making me the luckiest man on the G.o.d d.a.m.n planet."
He has the most beautiful, brightest smile spreading across his face and it makes my stomach feel like it"s been invaded by a ton of fluttering b.u.t.terflies.
"Baby, I want to spend the rest of my life loving you, making not just beautiful music together but also a beautiful family. I can"t wait to feel the kicks of a baby we"ll make in your belly, and to be able to spend forever showing you just how much I love you."
Wiping away the tears from my face, I drop down on my knees in front of Jordon, take his face in my hands and gently press a kiss to his lips.
Pulling away from his kiss, I get lost in his piercing blue eyes, "I would be honored to become Mrs. Jordon Valentine. I want you to know that, after all this time we"ve had together, I"ve come to realize one thing, Jordon."
"And what would that be?" He asks with laughter in his voice. The look of surprise and elation on his face causes my heart to skip a beat?"
"That no matter what happened with Cane, I believe you would"ve come into my life one way, or another. Our souls were destined to meet, and deep in my heart I believe that overseas or at home, Cane"s soul was destined to cross over that day. I feel it deep in my heart that I was meant to have two great loves in my lifetime, one with Cane, which would lead me onto my path to you. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I think you and Cane are both my soulmates. I believe G.o.d sometimes does miraculous things, and that is one of them. I know right now Cane is smiling down on us, wishing us a happy life together full of beautiful talented babies who"ll take the world by storm."
Jordon"s eyes tear up as my words flow freely from my lips. I speak from my heart telling Jordon exactly what I feel. It"s taken almost two years of being with him to realize this, and now I have a sense of peace I never had before. Like I can truly move on with my life and give every piece of myself to Jordon while still holding my love for Cane inside of me.
"I love you, Brittan, so much. I"m going to spend forever proving it to you." Jordon says leaning forward and giving me a heart stopping, soul shaking kiss before breaking away from me so he can slide the engagement ring onto my left ring finger.
Standing, I jump into his arms, hooking my feet behind his back and locking my hands around his neck while I get lost in his beautiful blue eyes that are glowing in the reflection of the waterfall and the warm sunlight, "I love you more. And I cannot wait to marry you!"
Brittan July 4th, 2018 South Beach, Miami, Florida The last three years have been some of the best three years of my life. Jordon and I got married at my house in Malibu; flying in his family from Chicago, my family in Miami and all of our bandmates, who are just like family to us.
Roxie was my matron of honor and Jordon"s brother Eric was his best man. It was small and private, just sharing our special day with our closest friends and family.
We tried to keep the date secret, but that didn"t happen and somehow the press found out. During our vows, helicopters were flying overhead, snapping pictures of us down on the beach.
We had a photographer from Envy Magazine present to capture every perfect moment for an article, which is now framed on our walls in our homes in Miami, Malibu and Northbrook.
After we got married, we bought a vacation home in the same suburb Jordon"s parents live, allowing him to have a place close to them that was just ours.
It"s amazing flying up there every year during the holidays to experience a white Christmas. We rotate the holidays between my parents and his. My mother and father have been so wonderful and accepting of Jordon, making the holidays perfect for us.
After taking a year off from touring, Jordon and his band went on a tour of their own. Beyond Redemption also set out on our own tour. It was hard being away from one another, but we made sure to text or FaceTime every day, and never went more than two weeks being apart.
We lucked out sometimes having our tour dates coincide in the same state making it easier to get together. It was hard being newlyweds and spending our first year of married life apart.
The press was constantly trying to make a story out of nothing. It was hard, but we developed a tough skin and always communicated with one another any time we saw something that bothered us. The main thing that helped us get through that year was our trust in each other. We knew deep down that our love was strong enough to get through anything and no matter what lie the press tried to spread, we stood by each other"s side.
After our tours ended, we went back to Chicago so Jordon could see his family before settling down in Miami. Somehow, between our random rendezvous" over that year of touring, we ended up with a Mini Rock Star Bun in the Oven.
Now we have a beautiful baby girl who is turning one today. When I went into labor on the third and delivered her on the Fourth of July, I bawled my eyes out in the hospital room. I knew it was Cane"s way of letting me know he is with us. I wasn"t due until the tenth but went into labor early while doing some last minute baby shopping with Roxie.
It was quiet the scene with my water breaking in the middle of Babies R Us; Roxie was a raging lunatic as she sped to the hospital. I think her road rage multiplied by a thousand that day.
Jordon had been at the house with party planners getting the house ready for our first annual Valentine"s Fourth of July BBQ. So three days later, we finally had a party and did a Welcome Home Baby Harmony Josephine Valentine celebration. I gave her my grandmother"s middle name. And because music is such a huge part of our lives, we wanted a name for our daughter that reflected that, so we decided on Harmony.
As we speak, party planners are at our house in South Beach getting the backyard and pool area ready for Harmony"s "Little Mermaid" birthday party. We"re doing a really fun "Under the Sea" theme I think she"s going to love. After her birthday, we"re going to walk down to the beach to watch the fireworks.
My a.s.sistant Toby is watching over the house, and we left Harmony with our nanny Stephanie Marie, so Jordon and I can go to the cemetery.
When I came back to Miami after our US tour ended, I struggled with asking Jordon if he wanted to come with me to visit Cane when January eleventh rolled around.
The morning I was getting ready to go to his grave, Jordon stunned me when he asked if he could come with me. The weight I was carrying on my shoulders was instantly lifted as I realized I didn"t need to stress over whether he"d feel comfortable going or not.
Now it"s become a tradition and over the last three years he"s gone with me, and since Harmony was born we now visit Cane on the Fourth of July too. To have our daughter born on mine and Cane"s engagement anniversary seems more than coincidental to Jordon too. He has been so supportive and understanding.
I am blessed to be married to a man who is so loving and understanding. No matter what I"m feeling on any given day, I know I can turn to Jordon and get comfort and support from him. I still have my bad days where I"ll hear or see something that reminds me of Cane and for a split second in time, I feel the pain and sadness as if he just died yesterday. But then it pa.s.ses, and I feel like I"m strong enough to get through anything.
Jordon is always by my side willing to help me through anything. We"ve made so many amazing memories together over the last four years. Each making me fall even deeper in love with him, but nothing makes me love him more than when I see him with Harmony. Seeing Jordon with her has only made my love for him magnify which I didn"t think was possible.
With every turn Jordon makes as we head towards the cemetery, the b.u.t.terflies in my stomach intensify. After all these years, I still get nervous coming to see Cane.
Jordon gives my hand a gentle squeeze, "You okay?" he asks with concern in his voice.
Looking out the window, I relax against the seat, letting the breeze blow through and caress my skin, "Yeah, I"m good. Just my nerves, like usual." I say letting out a nervous laugh as he pulls into the gates of the cemetery.
"Tell him "h.e.l.lo" for me." Cupping the back of my head Jordon pulls me to him for a kiss before I get out of the car.
"I will. I won"t be long." I say opening up the door and getting my things off of the back seat. Now that we have Harmony, we normally dive our Range Rover everywhere. Today we decided to take my Challenger out for the drive here. Jordon loves when its just him and me so he can open her up.
Men and fast cars!
Jordon"s face is full of love and compa.s.sion as he rests his hand on the back of my seat and peers over his shoulder back at me.
"Take all the time you need, babe. I don"t mind waiting."
Giving him a small smile, I shut the door and make my way over to Cane"s headstone.
It"s surrounded by flowers, American flags, and the University of Miami memorabilia. I love that after all these years all of his friends still take the time to visit him. I know he is with us everywhere we go, but there"s something about coming to where he was laid to rest that gives the feeling of being the closest to him.
I set the vase of red, white and blue a.s.sorted flowers with a yellow bow tied around it by his grave. I kneel down in front of it, dig in my purse and pull out two canisters of Grizzly Wintergreen dip. Setting the dip on top of his headstone, I gently run my fingers over letters of his name.
"I had a dream about you last night." I say in almost a whisper. "It is the first one, in over a year, that I"ve had of you...it felt so real. You were alive still, and we were heading to the beach to watch the fireworks. When we got there, Jordon was there waiting for us with Harmony in his arms. You told Jordon and me that you were happy for us and for the family we"ve become. You spent the entire time chasing Harmony around making her let out the cutest little giggles. Then as the fireworks started to go off, and the finale was beginning, I went to tell you so we could watch them together like the first night we met, but you were gone. I woke up shortly after that confused and looking around as I tried to comprehend what I just dreamt. It felt so real, and I couldn"t help but feel a swarm of emotions consume me. I felt sad because I had a sliver of time with you again that felt just as real as I me sitting here right now, but then happy because you came to me and let me know you are happy with the life I"ve made with Jordon."
Standing, I cross my arms and hug myself as a cool breeze causes a chill to wash over me. I close my eyes and point my face up towards the sky. I feel his presence. I know he"s here beside me listening to every word I"m saying. I wish he could talk back, but that"s the thing about death. You end up spending all your time talking to them, and having to think to yourself, what would they say?
Glancing back at the car, I see Jordon watching me intently. I don"t know how I ever got so lucky, but I thank G.o.d every day for bringing him into my life.
Resting my hands on the top of his stone, I stare down at the canisters" I just gave him and the old ones Dalton and I have left over the years. We just keep piling them up around his grave. I imagine someday we"ll have to throw them away, because if we don"t, they will overtake his plot.
I inhale a deep breath and exhale it out slowly as I raise my eyes back up towards the sky. I get lost in watching the large puffy white clouds float by above me, "I still miss you every day, and would give anything to spend one more day with you...but I"m also grateful for the time we had together. I know deep down Jordon is the one I was meant to end up with. He gave me the most precious gift, our daughter Harmony. It"s hard to believe this time last year I was giving birth to her, on our anniversary no less. I knew you were right there by my side, making sure I was okay and that Harmony was born happy and healthy.
I glance back at Jordon one more time before continuing, "Jordon is a wonderful man...who, by the way, says h.e.l.lo." I say letting out a light, airy laugh, "and so supportive of everything I do. I know if you were alive, you two would have been great friends. He laughed when I told him on the day of our wedding I knew he was the one. That you approved. Because if he wasn"t you would have been haunting our a.s.ses every second of the day. I love you, Cane. And miss you like h.e.l.l, and I hope one day we"ll be together again. But until then, I guess I can say... "I"ll see you soon"."
Walking back to the car, I slide into the pa.s.senger seat and wrap my arms around Jordon. I just sit there for a few moments in his arms with neither of us saying anything.
Finally breaking the silence, Jordon runs his fingers through my hair and asks, "Did you have a nice visit?"
Nodding my head, I prop my chin on his chest and stare up into his eyes that are so full of love and understanding it makes me tear up, "Yes I did, and I am so happy to have you here with me. It"s not so overwhelming visiting him knowing your right here if I need you."
"Did you tell him about the dream?"
Smiling as tears slide down my face, my chest shakes gently as I breathe in a few short breaths, "I did. I know it sounds crazy, but it felt so real. Like he really came to me in my dream last night, letting me know he"s happy for us. Seeing him with Harmony was the most wonderful thing for me to witness. I know deep in my heart he is smiling down on us right now and wishing us nothing but happiness."
Hugging me tightly against his chest, Jordon kisses my hair and whispers with shaky words as my emotions are getting to him too, "I think so too, babe."
Jordon With Harmony in my right arm and a lawn chair in my left, I follow Brittan down the beach towards the water. The sand is cooling with the sun setting, and there"s a nice breeze blowing off of the water. The beach is packed with people and kids running around all over the place.
The excitement for the fireworks could be felt the second we stepped out of the car in the beach parking lot.
We just finished Harmony"s birthday party and now are at the beach for the Fourth of July fireworks. We"re here with Roxie, who is walking ahead of us with Brittan. Matt is walking beside me holding their son Rylan and a bag of sparklers for us to light up once we get down to the water.
"Are you ready to see the fireworks, Harmony?"
My little princess giggles and gives me an all gums smile. As drools dribbles down her chin as she chews on her teething toy and smacks my cheek giggling some more. "Rywin!"
Laughing, I shake my head at her playfully and blow raspberries on her cheek making her giggle some more.
"Yes, baby. Rylan is going to watch them too." I say looking over to Matt and tickling Rylan"s chubby little belly.
Harmony is tiny and pet.i.te with brown curly hair that her mama has looking all cute with a patriotic bow. She has the biggest, most beautiful brown eyes just like her mama. Brittan was b.u.mmed because she was hoping Harmony would inherit my blue eyes, but I told her there"s always next time, which she proceeded to smack me saying maybe in five years.
Rylan is a little ham. He has blonde hair and blue eyes like Roxie, and he"s a little b.u.t.terball. I"ve never seen a baby put away pureed food like he does. Right now he"s smiling at me while gnawing away on a teething cookie.
Brittan and Roxie began planning our kids wedding while Harmony was still in utero. These women are acting like medieval Queens, arranging their children"s weddings twenty years before it"ll happen.
Matt and I just sit on the patio and tip back beers all afternoon while the girls talk about all that romance s.h.i.t.
Since we had Harmony, our lives have changed so much. Brittan has six more months off before Beyond Redemption goes on tour again, so she and Harmony will be joining me when Tempting Tomorrow kicks off their new tour, in a few more weeks.