She lowered her voice and said, "What do you mean?" Her eyes were still closed.
"I mean tell me your favourite colour, jaan." I went close to her.
"Red!"
I bent down to her and licked all the red cream off her face. Then I went ahead and licked the white cream too. She shyly pushed me away. Then I lifted her in my arms and carried her to the bed. And then we made love, with me licking the cake from all over her face and Riya moaning in response.
Exhausted, we lay down on the bed holding each other. We looked into each other"s eyes and she said she had something more to show me.
"What?" I asked her with enthusiasm.
She wrapped the bed sheet around her body to cover herself and walked towards the dressing table. She opened the drawer and removed a gift wrapped in red coloured paper. It seemed like a cloth or a piece of paper. I was curious to open it. She made me promise that I won"t get angry after seeing it. I promised her the same. I unwrapped the cover to see a folded paper. It was a letter.
I know how it feels to be in your position. I know how it feels to be alone. However, if you would look carefully at me, I am trying my best to protect our relationship. I want to be with you forever. You mean a lot to me. You have shown me what love is and what it feels like to be loved. You are the beat of my heart, the soul in my body; because without you I am nothing. You are the person I know I can turn to when I need help, you are the person I look at when I needed to smile, and you are the person I went to when I need a hug. When I am away, it is as if I have left my soul behind. You have shown me how to live and you have shown me how to be truly happy. I want you to know that every time I smile, you have put it there. You make me smile when others can"t; you make me feel warm when I am cold. You have shown me so much love and so much more. I want you to know how much you mean to me. You are my whole world and I love you with all my heart. You are my happiness. Tomorrow if I am not with you, please forgive me. I can"t predict our future but for this moment, I am yours. I can"t a.s.sure the happy end to our love story but for this moment, I want to spend happy moments with you. I can never forget the days we spent together, I can never forget your touch, and I hope you remember me and be happy always. I would try my best to be with you. I would fight with the world until my hand reaches someone else"s hand. Trust me! No matter with who I am, my love for you can never die. You will be my Aadi, you will be my jaan, and you will be my bachha forever. No one can steal that right from me. Not even you. I love you, darling!
I don"t know what our future was going to be but I loved her. I loved her honesty, I loved her simplicity, I loved her beauty, and I loved everything about her!
We just looked at each other through the rest of our time at the hotel without speaking a word.
Love is a Losing Game.
It had been two days since our arrival in Mumbai. I had not seen Riya after our little night together in that resort, nor had we talked on the phone.
I had come back from office and was about to take a bath, when I got a message on my cell phone.
I opened the message inbox to see an unread message from Riya!
I know you were waiting for my message. I wanted to tell you so many things that day, but I couldn"t find the courage to do so. I wanted to tell you that I may not be with you but the truth is I may not forget you my entire life. You have made a deep impact on me. The evening, which we spent together yesterday, has left me in a state of turmoil. Are you angry at me? Whenever you feel alone, just close your eyes and think of me. My heart is broken but I can"t blame you. You took each broken piece of my heart and put it together like a puzzle. My heart was missing that piece during the times he stayed apart, but after you came back into my life, the last piece was placed that everything seemed perfect. It was then I realized that I can"t live without you. I am writing this message lying on the same bed where you and I slept together and shared the best moments of our lives. You will always remain an integral part of me. If I am not with you, which I hope won"t be the case; never let your tears fall down. I love you and will always love you. I wish I wouldn"t be separated from you. When love is pure, love is pain. When love is true, love is sacrifice. Not everyone gets a chance to experience it.
Riya"s message was the last jab to my heart. It led to my complete emotional breakdown in me. I still had a firm trust that our relationship would work. I trusted her and the decisions she made.
I messaged her back.
I trust you. I trust your love. I know it can"t get over like this. Our moments of love, our fights, our jokes, our falling tears-they can"t end so easily. We tore down all the walls between us, endured a lot of pain, hurt, and torture just to stay with each other. It can"t get over so easily. Without your kisses, I just can"t breathe anymore. I trust your judgement. I know that you value relations and won"t make any wrong decisions in life. I accept your decision, whatever it maybe. All I know is we can never stay away from each other. Now don"t think much and take rest. We both are tired and need some sleep. I will take a bath and then go to sleep. My shift timings are the same, from 9.30 am in the morning. Oh, by the way, I forgot to ask, would you want to join me in the shower? :D Lolz... Muaahhh!! Love you!!
After taking a bath, I slept, as I had to get up early for work. I checked my cell phone before sleeping but Riya hadn"t replied. She must be tired and must have slept early, I thought resting my head on the pillow.
I reached office in the morning to be greeted by a grumpy manager who told me to do over time because of my uninformed leaves and poor performance. I had no excuses left. I missed Mohit a lot that day. If he would have been present, he would have manipulated my attendance sheet and performances and then submitted it to the manager. Now I woud have to do dual shifts back to back. I wanted to meet Riya after my shift, but my manager made it impossible for me. It was hardly two hours into my work and I was already feeling sleepy. I grabbed a coffee in the hope of keeping awake and checked my cell phone. Still there was no response from Riya. She must be sleeping. Her second shift started at three in the afternoon. I got back to the work desk.
I opened my MS Outlook messenger to check my emails. I had an email from the HR department. I had won a performance award for my scores two months back. I understood why my manager had shouted at me in the morning and told me to improve my performance. It was because there had been a drastic downfall in my scores and he was worried about that. I was so glad to see that mail. I wished I could have maintained the scores for which I won the award. I was so excited that I left my desk and called Riya from the cafeteria. I wanted to tell her about it. She would be more excited than even me. The phone rang, but she didn"t pick up. I messaged her about the award and continued my work. I wanted to talk with her.
After a long day in office, even a long night, I finished my shift hours. It was early morning when I left office and reached home. I tried calling Riya but still she didn"t take my calls. I thought she might have slept. I too was tired after a hectic day at the office and dozed off in no time.
"Aditya, get up, you have been sleeping for so long. Let"s have dinner," my Mom shouted at me and I woke up.
I saw the clock. It was eight in the evening. I got up and searched for my mobile. I checked for any messages or calls from Riya. Still the home screen was blank. No messages and no missed calls. Where was she? I had my dinner in silence. I kept my mobile on the table and went to the washroom. Suddenly, the phone rang. I ran towards the table and saw my mobile.
It was an unknown number. I picked the call immediately.
"h.e.l.lo, is it Riya?" My voice betrayed my desperation.
"Good evening sir, we are calling from Vodafone. Your phone number has been selected for a special offer. Are you interested?"
My frustration reached its peak. I wanted to fire that customer care executive but I was not in a mood to argue or fight with Vodafone agents. I disconnected the call. I dialled Riya"s number again. She didn"t respond.
f.u.c.kk! This is absolute c.r.a.p! This is unbelievable. Long back, I had seen a dream. Long back, I had a nightmare where Riya was hospitalized. Even then a Vodafone customer care executive had called me from an unknown number. This sent a chill down my spine. How could this be happening now? Can dreams come true?
I thought for a moment about where she could be and decided to go to her home in Navi Mumbai. I took my bike keys and left home. I tried to think positive while riding the bike. I consoled myself by thinking that nothing happened. I consoled my mind by thinking that dreams like these can"t come true. This happens only in Bollywood movies. It can"t happen with me in real life. However, the fact was that Bollywood movies are inspired from real life characters. Still, I tried to keep my calm. I reached her apartment with a tensed mind. I saw that her scooty was missing. Just like I had witnessed in the dream. I went upstairs but no one opened the door. I searched for her scooty in the entire complex. I called her number again. Still no one responded.
I wanted to kill myself right away. My dream was playing out scene by scene right in front of my very eyes! I tried to remember what happened next in my dream. Yes, I had gone to the hospital. I decided to look for her scooty outside the hospital. On reaching the hospital, I tried to find her scooty everywhere in the parking lot but couldn"t locate it. I still gave another look around but it wasn"t there. I wanted to remove this doubt from my mind, so I entered the hospital and went straight to the receptionist"s desk.
"Is there any patient by the name of Riya?" I asked her.
She opened the register and started searching for the name. I was almost in tears by that time. I kept my fingers crossed and just closed my eyes for a moment. Tears rolled down my eyes.
"No. I am sorry. There is no one by this name," she replied.
"Can you check again, please?" I asked her. I remembered my dream. She replied with the same answer. I finally relaxed. My doubt was cleared. The dream was just a dream. I finally regained my senses and walked out of the hospital. I started my bike and went to her apartment again. I parked my bike outside and called her. Still no response. I decided to go upstairs.
On reaching her doorstep, I found that the door was locked. I sat on the steps as my tears fell on the floor.
I realized I had lost her forever. I realized that I was not going to see her anymore. I wished for it to be a dream so that you could come and wake me up with a sweet kiss.
I called Sameer and told him to reach Riya"s apartment as soon as possible. I called Sonam too and asked her to get in touch with Riya, explaining to her how Riya had not been taking my calls and how the door to her apartment was locked, with no sign of its occupants anywhere. "Sonam, please call Riya. I tried searching for her everywhere from past two hours. Even her door is locked.
"Don"t panic. Just relax. She might have messaged you, but due to some network problem, the message may not have reached. Let me call her," said Sonam and kept the phone down. Mohit was with her.
I was all alone sitting on the steps thinking of her last message to me. It had been a while since our last day together, but to me, it seemed like years had pa.s.sed. I never thought that the end would come so soon. I wanted you to stay with me forever, but you have left me in a lurch. You missed the words I Love You! I tried to say it loud, screaming, so you could hear it. Everybody heard me except you. My dreams now lay shattered. The sweet jingle of your bangles will forever remain a dream!
After what seemed like an eternity, Sonam called me.
"Aadi, she is not responding to my calls. I called her several times. Both Mohit and I have been calling her non-stop since the time you told us what had happened. If she calls back, I will immediately let you know. We are coming this week. So please don"t worry," she said and kept the phone.
Sameer had reached by that time. He asked me straight off, "Did you try calling on her Mom"s cell? Did you try calling anywhere else?"
"I tried calling each and everyone through whom I could come to know anything about Riya. No one seemed to know anything. I tried her Mom"s cell too. It was f.u.c.king switched off. I think I have lost her forever," I cried.
"Be positive, yaar. Keep your hopes up. You know she loves you more than anything in the world, don"t you?" Sameer tried explaining to me.
"How can I keep calm when I know that I have lost my love and may never get to see her again?" I howled in front of Sameer.
Our relationship was meant to be everlasting. It was meant to be one of those successful love stories which would have a happy ending. We could have told our children about our love story. Now, after two years, time seemed to have come to a standstill. The sand clock had dropped on the floor and broken. It happened just when I was overturning it so that it never stops. I was thinking of you and forgot to be careful. I tried to clue the pieces together again, but it didn"t work. Everything is broken. I"m broken. The kisses are gone. The smile is now only a memory. You have left me forever; your love is gone. You left me alone, without asking me, without thinking about what I wanted. If I could only see you once more, if I could feel those lips one more time... But I know it won"t happen.
Sameer left after making me promise that I won"t act rashly and think with a calm mind about what my next course of should be action. The next day when my Mom was reading the newspaper, I sat beside her and kept my head on her lap. She stopped reading and looked at me. She knew something was wrong. I began to weep. I told her everything that had happened. She kept the newspaper aside and stroked my hair gently.
"Aditya, you love her very much, right?"
My answer was an obvious yes. It had to be! Not a single doubt about it.
"If you don"t mind, can I tell you one thing? Don"t overreact, alright? Just listen to me carefully and then think over it," said Mom.
I agreed and let her speak.
"I don"t know much about Riya. My impression of her is drawn from all that you have told me about her in the past few months. I think I had the wrong image of her in my mind," said Mom.
"What do you mean by that?" I interrupted.
"Please listen to me first," she continued, "I had a wrong impression of her in my mind. I never thought that she would be so responsible towards her family. I know you might not understand what I am about to say next. The fact is that she took the right decision for her family. She lost her father at an early age as a result of which she had to take on additional responsibilities. Just think once of what you would expect from your sister if she were in Riya"s place? Think over it and then react."
I didn"t say anything but left. I went to my room. I saw her gift which was kept on my table. A cute soft toy which she had gifted me. I went near the table and kissed that soft toy. I didn"t notice the last glimpse of your smile before going away. I can"t even feel the last kiss. If I could bring back time...
Now there is a big wall between us. And with every pa.s.sing hour, it seems like another brick is being cemented on that wall. Try hard as I may, I can"t get through it. Someone else took my place in her paradise and closed the doors of her heart. Now, I"m again the stranger she once knew.
With each pa.s.sing day, I wished for her return. Whenever my phone rang, I wished it was her. Whenever someone touched me from behind, I turned with the hope of that person being her. But it never happened. I don"t know how she could forget everything so easily. Can two years of memories be deleted so easily? Not for me at least.
Out of sheer desperation, I tried calling her cell phone one last time and this time the IVR replied, "Please check the number you have dialled."
She changed her number! I almost gave up on my search for her.
You should have at least met me once. You should have told me where you were going. You should have at least consulted me once. Jaan, I would have never stopped you. I loved you. I love you even today, I told myself.
I couldn"t take it any more and finally opened a beer bottle and drank to my misery. Mohit, seeing that I was heavily drunk, called Sameer and Sonam too. He took me to his house and told me to rest.
"You had promised Riya something, have you forgotten those promises?" Mohit said.
"Which promises are you talking about? Those promises which never meant anything to her? Those promises which she broke within a fraction of a second? Which promises, Mohit?" I shouted as loud as I could. It was the alcohol talking for me.
"Stop it. You very well understand her situation. Keep your hopes alive. By G.o.d"s grace if some miracle happens, she will return," said Sameer.
Everything after that pa.s.sed in a blur. I crashed on the hard floor of Mohit"s bedroom, feeling the darkness around engulf me.
An Undelivered Message.
It was a lazy Sunday morning. A morning without love. A morning without Riya. I checked my cell phone, I checked my messages, I checked my Facebook account, and I even checked my mail for any signs of Riya. There were none!
I still dwell upon the sweet kisses, the smile that gave me life and keep hoping that I will find you somewhere, before that feeling melts away forever. You have been my strongest emotion, my deepest thought, my sweetest dream, my meaning, my love, my paradise. I wish I could hold you right now in my arms just for one last moment, as I did before.
I wanted to spend time with my memories and give life to my hopes. I decided to switch off my mobile and just roam around the city. The sun was shining brightly. Every morning as the sun rises in the sky, it sets in my heart. I wanted to come out of the darkness and move into the shine of hope. As I drove my bike around the city, I relived the moments and the memories of those lanes. Those days would never come back, but at least the memories of those days brought a smile on my face. Riya was nowhere around yet all around me.
She never tried to contact me again, even though I am still waiting for her one last call. I drove my bike from Navi Mumbai. As I crossed the lane near her apartment where I used to drop her from office, I stopped my bike and stared at that corner aimlessly. I could see nothing but smoke and dust around that corner.
I still keep looking at the places where you would wait for the office cab. You no longer wait there, but I am still on the other side of the same road. I never stopped loving you; I don"t think I will ever.
I reached Grant Lane. I parked my bike and sat on the same bench where we started our journey towards life. It reminded me of her yellow top and black jeans, which were one of my favourites. I could feel her sitting beside me, pulling my cheeks. I could feel her playing with my hair. I switched on my mobile and I went to her last message, which said, Whenever you feel alone, just close your eyes and I would run through your mind. I may not be happy away from you, but I would live my life through your eyes.
I closed my eyes and saw her in your wedding sari. I saw her making tinkling sound of bangles with both her wrists in front of my face. I abruptly opened my eyes just to see a vast lawn in front of me. She was nowhere around.
Tears rolled down my face and fell onto the screen of my mobile, which still had her message opened. I wiped the teardrops from my screen and could see the message, which displayed, I wanted to tell you so many things, which I never said. I wanted to tell you that I may not be with you but the truth is I may never forget you my entire life. You have made a deep impact on my life.
What was it that changed her mind? She never thought of consulting me even once. She never thought of asking me how I would feel if she suddenly took off... All that time I thought I knew her, when really, I was blind. Still, I love you and I can never hate you. Even though you hurt me, I can"t let you go.
Kasam ki Kasam hai Kasam se, humko pyaar hai sirf tumse, ab ye pyaar na hoga phir humse...
My phone kept ringing. I wanted to avoid it, but since it was Sameer, I couldn"t ignore it. I took the call.
"Where the h.e.l.l have you been since morning? Mohit and I have been trying your cell phone all day long. I hope you are alive," yelled Sameer.
"That"s the problem. I am still alive even though I truly wish I were dead. Anyway, please leave me alone for a while, guys," I kept the phone without informing him where I was.
I moved from that place. I cruised my way to old Mumbai through Chembur. I reached Bandra. I got down from the bike and bought a packet of cigarettes. As I sat down on Bandstand, I lit a cigarette.
I tried to send a message on Riya"s cell phone.
My love, my sweet Riya, I look back at the years that we shared together, how amazing my time with you was. Sometimes it breaks my heart to go that far back down the road and be reminded of how much I loved you; how much we loved each other. I remember the feelings you gave me whenever I was around you. I have never felt a love so magnificent than what I had in my heart for you. Where have you gone without telling me? Everywhere I look, I see your name, and I find myself getting angry because it only reminds me of the painful truth that I cannot be with you. How could two people who felt they could never live without each other, move apart so easily? How can a love that was meant to last, crumble right before our very eyes? What happened to our love... What happened to us? I only wish things in life were simpler so that I could be with you. I will love you forever.
Message delivery failed!
Helpless, depressed, and broken, I just left from that place. It was the same place where we shared one of the earliest kisses.
I reached home and closed the door of my room. After some time, there was a knock at my door. I opened it to find Sameer looking at me with all the anger available in the world. I was in no mood to talk with him. Neither had I attended Mohit"s calls.
"What is your problem in life? You can"t live for others? Do your family and friends mean anything to you?" Sameer shouted at me.
"Sameer, what do you expect from me? Life without Riya is pointless," I said with dejection.
"If you love her so much, why don"t you remember what she said? Just because she is not with you doesn"t means she doesn"t love you. She told you that she wants to live her life through your eyes. You are hurting her each day without realizing it," said Sameer.
"What do you expect from me?" I replied.
"I don"t expect anything. But just stop hurting others as much as you are hurting yourself. Wherever Riya is, I know she must be thinking of you at this moment and if she senses that you are ruining your life by not doing anything productive, she would be very upset," Sameer patted my back and left saying that he would come by in the night after having dinner.
I gave a thought to Sameer"s views and recapped the message and Mom"s suggestion. It was hard to digest the fact that Riya couldn"t be with me anymore. I missed those midnight conversations and I missed how Riya would make me laugh when I would be frustrated after a hard day"s work. I want to be with you but whether you are millions of miles away or just beside me, I still don"t know. I wish you would call just to ask about my day. It would make things so much better if I could hear your voice.
I guess I can"t complain too much. It wasn"t your choice. You were always there for me through both the good times and the bad. You were always there to laugh with me, or to help me when I was sad. It"s not that I pity you, but I"ll admit your life"s been tough. I just wish that physically, I could be there when things got tough for you. Maybe even today you love me.
I realized that love should not be bounded with promises. Love should be set free with no restrictions. There are no promises in love, there is only magic in love. It"s the long wait... The magic to wait for your love.