The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

Chapter 8

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I was anxious to know what had become of Pierce and Papa--whether Papa was yet administering the pap-spoon to the General, by way merely of counteracting the effect of the charcoal being _piled on_ by the boys--Jeff and Caleb. Now, lest there should be any one in Washington unwilling to separate Smooth"s better inclinations from the general character of the Convention to be holden, he would here say that the very best of his abilities were exerted with the General against the policy of making his Ministers cut so ridiculous a figure in Europe. He knew also that Monsieur Souley would take upon himself all the cooking business, and have it all his own way, as they say in England.

"One morning, while consoling myself with the prospect of soon leaving Europe, its aristocracy, its blighting kingcraft, and its squabbles, who should confront me but grandfather Steady, a monster despatch under his arm, on which loomed out in all its scarlet the great seal of the State Department. Steady had recognized "_Confidential_" on the envelope, and bore it to me safely ensconced beneath the ample skirts of his coat. "Something of great importance for Minister Smooth!" said he, making a very diplomatic bow as he extended the packet, made his compliments, and retired. Steady having disappeared, I opened the packet, and, equally surprised with the reader, what should I find but a State doc.u.ment of great dimensions, commissioning Smooth without further delay to call together at Ostend, or such other place on the continent of Europe as was celebrated for its pure air and good liquors, a Congress of American Ministers! Three several times did the commission reiterate--"Pure air and good liquors!" as if the tastes of the very respectable gentlemen forming the Congress made such adjuncts inseparable from the prime object of their deliberations. For some time did I exert my most mature deliberations to get the diplomacy of the thing square into my head, which I thought was more than had been done by the State Department. Well, you better believe it was a puzzle! It was so Dutch, as we say. I was directed particularly to consult my old and much-tried friend, James Buckhanan, whose sanction and presence at the gathering was necessary, as well for the purpose of imparting an air of dignity to the Convention as counteracting the fast spirit of those gentlemen, who had gained a doubtful notoriety through their extensive dealings in cheap popularity. Marcy added, in a private and confidential note, that he felt inclined to question the policy of inviting certain gentlemen, but as a matter of etiquette it could not be foregone; and then he was anxious to keep peace in the house, I was ordered to bag Buckhanan, and, if against his will, carry him captive; to summon Monsieur Souley, who was an excellent cook, not a bad fighting man, but a diplomatist fit only for the small work of the _carbonari;_ to dispatch Mason, who they said was cultivating his French, with the hope of being up in the language of diplomacy in the course of six years more; to enjoin Mr. Fay, well known in Switzerland for his love of quiet life; to inveigle Mr. Belmont, who at the Hague had taken upon himself the reforming his brother Israelites, and turning to account sundry Dutch bonds; to do as I pleased with Mr. Daniels, who had sustained the character of America by affecting contempt for all the aristocratic sn.o.bs about Turin, who would to his annoyance crowd themselves into his opera-box, and make too free with his fair favorite; to be sure and capture Mr. Jackson, through whose courteous and dignified demeanor America was making herself respected at Vienna; to send an escort for Mr. Spence, who had endeared himself to his fellow-countrymen in Constantinople; and to send a jacka.s.s for Mister O"Sullivan, who had at Lisbon become celebrated for his misfortunes at bagatelle and chess--to drum them all together for the one grand object. As for Seymour, Pierce thought it not good policy to disturb him, seeing that nothing had been heard from him since he found his way to St. Petersburg. With such spirits as these, Europe could not fail to be astonished; and then, when it was borne in mind that the consideration of its distracted affairs was the object No. I of such a Convention!

"While calmly cogitating the first and last move in the getting up of the thing, my lodgings, "42, Bennet street, St. James"s," were invaded by the man Dudley, who declared himself a special minister of Mr. Pierce, who sent him as envoy in general to Mr. Smooth, under whose directions he would proceed to get together the Congress at Ostend. I examined his credentials carefully, and finding them of Mr.

Pierce"s legitimate stripe, commenced comparing notes and arranging the preliminaries. He said, Pierce told him I would have a hard tug with old Buck, who was like an aged turtle, and never moved until a great deal of fire was applied to his back: but then his friends said he was fast, once he got going! Notwithstanding Buck had very confidently told a friend or two there was no understanding Pierce, Pierce said he understood him, and, with Saunders to lend a hand, the getting steam on him would not be so much of a job, after all. I must here say to the reader that we had not long proceeded with our conversation before the fact that our man Dudley was commissioned to play the part of Corporal Noggs to the fire-eating portion of the Cabinet, at the small end of which Mister Pierce was appended, discovered itself. This fact fully established, I sat down and commissioned him, first--to keep his mouth shut; secondly, to proceed immediately to the Continent and get together the boys; thirdly, to enjoin upon every one the necessity of declaring the object of the Convention to be the relief of mankind in general; and fourthly, to be careful while in France that none of Consul Saunders" _epistles to all oppressed citizens_ were found in his pocket,--that functionary being held as the great revolutionary star, sent from the West to move the dead waters of an Eastern world.

"Having dispatched the man Dudley on his mission, with many bows and much esteem for his high consideration of my position, and acting on the intimation from Pierce, I packed up my portfolio, and in a Hansom cab made the best of my way to 56, Harley street,--a large mansion, in one of the back rooms of which they said my esteemed friend James Buckhanan had for some time past been burrowed. That is, Mrs. Sprat, who knew all the gossip of the legation, declared such to be the fact. She saw very little indeed of the "Governor," whom she believed smothered in his diplomacy, for he appeared never to want anything but the spittoon, and now and then, at long intervals, a clean pair of stockings. Arriving at the door, I rang l.u.s.tily the bell, and soon there appeared a very stiff flunky, in democratic livery of bright colors, who bowed me into a great hall, and after grinning at me for about a minute, said he reckoned I was a citizen o" the United States. "From Vermont, I take it?" he continued, in quick succession.

I told him it was no matter about that; if he had no objection I would take a look at his governor. While I was deliberating, the best-looking "yellow fellow" outside of Carolina made his appearance, and immediately commenced taking charge of me. He said he understood diplomacy all up, (having studied dancing and attended Mrs. Sprat"s tea-parties for more than two years!) and would put me through if I said the word. Then he added, with a _sang froid_ that seemed quite grateful, that though he wasn"t exactly governor of the establishment, he would show me up to the man who was, and under whose dictation Mr. Buckhanan had for peace sake accepted a fifth-rate position. On my motioning him to proceed (he seemed much inclined to affect a good deal of etiquette) the fellow led off, through a long dark pa.s.sage, crowded with empty Genessee flour barrels, champagne baskets, boxes of cast off pipes (breathing redolent of tobacco), decrepit arm-chairs, old foils and boxing-gloves, numerous empty beer-bottles, a lot of worn-out dancing slippers, and a quant.i.ty of second-hand nightgowns and side-saddles. What use diplomacy had for these abused relics we leave the reader to conjecture. Opening a door on the left, my guide with a bow accompanying a graceful bend of the body, ushered me into a s.p.a.cious room, with the announcement:--"A gemman fum de States, Mr. Prompt!" No Mr. Prompt could I see, such was the state of the atmosphere. In fact, I was set upon by a perfect fog of tobacco smoke.

""Well, stranger--glad to see ye this side the big pond!" croaked out a little sharp voice, peculiarly nasal. I replied I thought it was rather foggy about these diggins. "No matter about that," he rejoined, "we do clean business in this establishment, notwithstanding the puffing, we deem it necessary to keep up in diplomatic matters." The atmosphere clearing a little, and objects becoming bolder outlined, I discovered a figure so singularly lean and sharp of visage that you would have sworn him peculiarly adapted by Providence for cutting his way into a better world. Upon the walls of the rooms, which were very dingy, hung suspended, tomahawks, bowie-knives, scalping-knives, bows and steel-pointed arrows, an innumerable variety of dressed scalps, much worn Indian uniforms, and various other things--all adapted to Western warfare. Here and there stood sundry reed chairs and cronic tables, of Florida pine, while the floor was very liberally set off with what are vulgarly called spit-boxes, which, unlike the pages of an antiquated Bible that lay neglected in one corner, had been very generally used. Smooth would here say that such adjuncts as the latter, seemed to be, judging from their presence in all our Legations on the Continent, inseparable from Pierce diplomacy. In the present case there were, in addition to the above-named fixtures, seventeen patent rat-traps, with which members of the Legation amused themselves when not invited to dancing parties. Smooth could not help thinking there was no need of the latter pieces of furniture, while Mr. Prompt, the sharp gentleman, was in the establishment. Indeed, Mrs. Grundy would have said he was sharp enough to be used as an instrument for splitting the nicest diplomatic points; while the promiscuous relics of antiquity arranged along the pa.s.sage she would have sworn ill.u.s.trated nothing so nicely as Pierce"s confused policy, the saddles being indicative of how easily he rode over the credulity of the people.

"In the centre of the room stood a five-legged round table, somewhat nervous and infirm of age. Upon it stood, badly arranged, two tumblers of Cuba sixes, an ample stock of fine cut tobacco, about a dozen long and much discolored pipes, a s.p.a.cious ash-box, and the dirty boots of Prompt, his lean figure sprawled back in a dilapidated arm-chair, a long nine in his mouth, from which he incessantly puffed an immense volume of smoke. Prompt"s face was a perfect picture of edge-tools; and with his easy air generally, his hands stowed away in the ample pockets of his nether garments; his pa.s.sion for the Byronic--made known by the extravagant roll of a turn-down shirt collar--and his bushy hair thrown back on a veiny and narrow forehead that seemed to have been cut away to fit his hat, had an appearance easily imagined by those who have witnessed in New Hampshire the general make-up of an itinerant stump orator. I bowed as he cast his eyes along down my figure, and gave a friendly wink. "From York State, I take it?" he continued. I replied I had been in York State, but was born on Cape Cod. "Well," he rejoined, "don"t matter where a feller"s born nor grow"d, only he"s got the right sort o" bone and siners in him." The general appearance of things had mightily changed since I last visited the place--in truth, I could scarcely believe my own eyes. Mr. Prompt now drew forth a handful of long nines, said he never liked to smoke alone, and invited me to join him. I excused myself as well as I could, adding that I had no small vices. The truth was, the spit-boxes, and rat-traps, and a large supply of tobacco, looked so suspicious, that I was at a loss how to comport myself: I feared I had got into the wrong box. "Anyhow," said Mr. Prompt, "bring yourself to a mooring--remember we treat all citizens alike here--and be quite at home in the establishment. Smooth, I believe, is the name?" He looked at my card as I bowed, expecting every moment to see him rise from his easy posture. With a sort of languid endurance he said the establishment was at my service--that anything I desired would be put through like Jehu. A set of sn.o.bby fellows, he said, had for a number of years made a den of aristocracy of the place, but the aspect of things had been changed now to suit the good fellow-spirit of our inst.i.tutions. Here he drew a deformed hat over his forehead, and let fly a moist projectile; which, instead of taking effect in a box of saw-dust, expanded ineffectually upon the face of a female dog-iron. I suggested that it warn"t so bad a shot. He replied, he reckoned--Just at this moment the full yellow face of the negro protruded itself into the doorway. "Mas"r," he e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed, "dat"s da geman (pointing to Prompt, whose face was seen to contract) what do up all da plomacy ob dis establishment." The yellow face withdrew behind the green baize. All this time I had been careful not to disclose to Mr. Prompt that I was minister in general to Mr. Pierce.

""Citizen," said he, continuing his cigar, "that ar n.i.g.g.e.r"s sa.s.sy enough for three legations. Pierce sent him here;--for what, no one about the establishment can tell. Anyhow, seeing it"s you, I was about giving out an idea of what an interminable muddle Pierce would get everything into if he had but his own way; but, as there isn"t time now, and as you won"t join me in a cigar, suppose we send out and have a first-rate brandy-smash?"

"This I respectfully declined; I thought it would give him so much trouble. Indeed, he said there was so much to do about the establishment, and n.o.body to do it except himself. In reply to a question, he said, the governor--meaning Mr. Buckanan--had worked himself out, and was laid away to dry. At present he alone const.i.tuted the establishment. There used to be a secretary (the salary, he had reason to believe Uncle Sam yet paid) but nothing had been seen of him for several months: when last heard from, he was entering into a partnership with Monsieur Souley for the purchase of Cuba, at any price. As for the attaches, one got no pay, and was expected by the government to do a deal of work, while the amount paid to the other was so small that he very wisely spent it in cab-hire to see the sights, which it just covered. One might be almost sure of seeing the former gentleman on the approach of a court concert, while the presence of the other at the legation prognosticated the advent of a drawing-room. In fact, Mr. Prompt said, with considerable logic, that when people were only half paid they were sure to do nothing. As for himself (here he smiled, and commenced a new cigar), why he did up the diplomacy of the establishment by the job--that is, he absorbed in his lean person the functions of minister plenipotentiary, secretary of legation, and gentlemanly attaches. And for the performance of their duties (the pickings were not worth mentioning) he would, at the end of a few years, make out his account against Uncle Sam, whom he was sure was too straightforward and generous not to allow it. "Fact is, stranger," he reiterated with great a.s.surance, "I am almost worked to death here." A monster gray cat having entered the room, and inspected curiously the several rat-traps, Mr. Prompt, as if much annoyed, drew himself with great effort from the crippled chair, and drove her unceremoniously out of the room, accompanying her retreat with Peters on diplomacy. "Then, Mr. Prompt," said I, "may I consider myself entirely in your hands?" Again spreading his boots on the table, and languidly elongating his lean body, he replied, "nothin shorter!" In answer to a question, he said he could fix me out with anything--from a pa.s.sport to a grindstone. In fact, he was a man of universal qualities, and could accommodate the needy with almost anything. He could issue a pa.s.sport for the infernal regions; he could give a card to dine with old Jones when one got there; and by way of facilitating matters, lend him a saddle to ride there. I admitted he was exceedingly generous, and well calculated to bring out all the various functions known to diplomacy; but, having no taste for the sport he proposed, intimated my preference for a box at the Opera, or an invitation to dine with her Majesty. "Well, I do declare," says Prompt, who was seized with a very troublesome cough, "if you ain" got a-head on me there!" Seeing his confusion, I begged he would pardon the intimation. In reply, he good-naturedly drawled out, "them things, somehow, don"t come within the privileges of this establishment. Can accommodate ye with a box at the Theatre Royal, Westminster--play the very best sort of patent farces in that national place of amus.e.m.e.nt.

Then they"ve an audience so forbearing, that it makes no matter what they play, and the fun of that establishment beats bull-fighting all holler. Should the low-comedy man some call Pam, and his walking gentleman, John, chance to have steam up, you will be sure to get your money"s worth. Take my word, said he: Covent Garden and Drury Lane are but dull show shops compared with it." Again I thanked Mr. Prompt for his kindness, and told him I would wait till the next bull-baiting came off--understanding from good authority that such amusing spectacles in that house had frequent possession of the boards. Did I want to revel in the sights and dark places of London, Mr. Prompt said I had better wait the return of the absent secretary, which could not be more than six months hence.

CHAPTER XIX.

SMOOTH DISCOVERS HIMSELF.

""Now, citizen!" said I, thinking it was about time I disclosed to Mr. Prompt who I was, and also the character of my mission, "as you seem to be the establishment in general, and can grant such very accommodating pa.s.sports, let me inform you that I, Solomon Smooth, am Mister Pierce"s Minister Extraordinary, to Europe in particular." Mr.

Prompt"s sharp visage now became sharper. "Pierce," I said, "had commissioned me to call together all the boys, in congress at Ostend."

In testimony of what I had set forth I produced the doc.u.ment, at the sight of which he relieved himself of a very handsome bow, brought his lean body to a perpendicular, and, with an effort at modesty, laid aside his hat and cigar; this I regarded as creditable to the establishment. "The governor"s c.u.m, Mas"r Prompt!" exclaimed the negro, again thrusting his full yellow face into the door. Prompt was evidently abashed at this sudden announcement.

""I"ll see the governor, if you have no objection," said I, attempting to relieve his quandary. He replied he had none whatever; that I would find him a trump, though rather low. "He seldom comes out of this place!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Prompt, leading the way through an extremely narrow and crooked pa.s.sage into a dark cloister-like room, lighted by a small lamp that shed a sickly light over the few antiquated pieces of furniture it contained. "Minister Smooth will please to introduce himself!" said Mr. Prompt, ushering me into the room, and closing the door as he retired. Descrying through the pale glow of the lamp my venerable friend Buck, who was seated at a table in the centre of the room, amusing himself with the cat Prompt had so unceremoniously kicked out of his presence, he immediately recognized me; the reception I met would have done honor to companions in the Continental War, meeting after a long absence. He said Saunders and his boy Dan (that is, he was boy to Dan) had reduced his light wonderfully. Here he began p.r.i.c.king up the wick of the old lamp, while I drew up a seat and commenced without further ceremony disclosing the object of my visit, and making known to him some of Pierce"s opinions (private) on matters in general. "Read this carefully," said I, handing him my instructions from the State Department. He took the doc.u.ment like one compelled to do a thing against his will, while I attentively watched the changes that came over his countenance as he read it. "Indurable Pierce!" he muttered, adding a languid sigh. Then his portly figure seemed to expand, his hair to grow whiter, and his general appearance to a.s.sume a more venerable air, as he read the portion that particularly directed me to bag him, pro or con. Indeed, his crooked eye became straight with indignation, while his neck no longer retained its wonted curve. "I have studied the man, but find I yet know little of him!" said he, recovering his usual calmness, and shaking his head significantly. I inquired if he meant Pierce. He replied, testily, in the affirmative. "Several times has he made me cut a ridiculous figure in the eyes of the nation. I cannot disclose my true position,--he knows that, but will have me a partner to this most stupid of projects;--well, well!" Here he seemed in the act of yielding to his despondency, when to revive him I presented several private notes which I had received from Pierce, explanatory of his views with reference to the immense benefit that would accrue to the nation, and manifest destiny, from this great congress. "Now Smooth,"

continued the old man, relieving his mouth of an enc.u.mbrance, which, missing its aim, took effect in the face of the cat, which set up a fearful yell and scampered out of the room, "although I can"t understand Pierce, I have great confidence in you, and there is something so ridiculous about this affair that I feel like relieving my mind to you, which I do without prejudice. I care not to examine your confidential notes; they are doubtless of a like character with those I have myself received from him on this very subject. The man seems crazed. He has inundated me with confidential trifles about Cuba, the affairs of Europe, the Central American question, and the holding a Congress at Ostend. I am bored to death with his opinions, which, on the policy of the latter, are cheap indeed." The old man now became exceedingly nervous; indeed, he seemed like one laboring under the first symptoms of an over-dose of Parr"s Life Pills. "Smooth! I am sacrificed; yes, sir, literally sacrificed to all his folly! The despatch bag has groaned under the very pressure of his nonsense, which I am compelled to read and commit to the flames, lest our nation should suffer by its disclosures. I have appealed to him on behalf of my conscience; I have reasoned from the depths of my experience; I have besought him to spare my reputation--and here you bring me fresh proof that it has all gone to no purpose." I could not help pitying the venerable old man as he shrugged his shoulders, and gave such a desponding look. "Pierce," he continued, "will smash the democracy before he has done, by simply making it ridiculous. Thrice have I remonstrated with him in all my power of persuasion; but it has fallen harmless at his feet, for here he is, up again and harping. He singularly argues in his private despatches that Europe being in a fuzzle generally; that England having enough to do at keeping her grumbling people quiet, and fighting her old friend Russia; that Monsieur Napoleon, the very Republican Emperor, having three large kettles of fish to fry--one in helping England to whip Russia, by which means he hoped to wipe off an old score; the second, to affect a great determination to fight for the independence of the Turks, who say they will lend a hand when they get in cash; and the third, to crush all revolutionary movements at home; and that all having enough to do in their work of protecting despotism and neglecting liberty, the time is singularly opportune for America"s making one grand demonstration. Thus, he said, Pierce argued. It was all very well showing a saucy front to mankind in general, but if we undertook to bag Cuba, there must be something more than threats and war messages to back it up." I could not throw up my commission; therefore begged my friend Buck would consider my position, and excuse in me what seemed fast. And then I had despatched my Corporal Noggs to arrange matters with Monsieur Souley, who was to play the part of engine-driver, crowding charcoal for the whole team. After the manifestation of much indecision, my friend Buck consented to go, at the same time stipulating that he should not be led by certain fast spirits. "If I go, Smooth," said he, "it will be with virtuous reluctance; the whole thing is sure to come out. Further, my boy Dan (a sharp fellow he is!) has gone on a little affair respecting Cuba, by which he expects to make hit No. 1."

"At this moment we were interrupted by the brusque figure of George Saunders appearing in the room. George instantly recognized me, and said he antic.i.p.ated my mission, having received sundry private and very confidential letters from Pierce on the same subject. It seemed that Pierce and his boy Fourney had written any amount of private and confidential letters on this to be kept very secret affair. George made himself quite at home. Indeed, the uninitiated might have mistaken him and the cat for fixtures of the establishment. Calling me on one side, he begged I would consider Mr. Buckanan entirely in his hands. In order to bring his speed to the right gauge, Dan and himself had, he said, spent several months hard labor; but now he was happy to say they had found the key to his movements, and nothing more was wanting. As for Buck"s presence at the Ostend convention, just leave the arranging that to him. Further, in order to make a demonstration while it was sitting, he would write an epistle to the Emperor of Austria, forewarning him of the sympathy in America for the spirits he held down in oppression. This would be a decided hit, he added, with a knowing wink. So confident was George of his mastery over the venerable old man, that I felt it would not be prejudicing Mr.

Pierce"s interests to leave the matter entirely in his hands: so bidding them a very good morning, I signified my intention of calling again in ten days, when I expected he would be ready to move on; if not, I should be under the painful necessity of bagging him, as directed by the State Department.

"I had left the legation, and was pa.s.sing into Portland place, when, to my surprise, I was overtaken by the indomitable George, who insisted that I join him in some gin-and-bitters at the first drinking-place. To have declined George"s amiability would have been immaculate folly: he always bagged his friends, precisely as Pierce directed me to bag the amba.s.sador. Having stopped at the first crossing, as they say in Georgia, we drunk ourselves, wished Pierce much joy with his project, and parted, George saying he would turn steam on the old man, and have him all right when I called.

"Prompt to the hour, no sooner had the allotted time expired than I presented myself at the Legation with an express wagon, for the accommodation of the old man indispensable. Corporal Noggs had got the boys all right on the continent, and such a jolly time as was expected! George had evidently been s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up the old man, for I found him in the very best humor. There he sat, portly and venerable, surrounded by boxes, carpet-bags, and trunks; all, he a.s.sured me, containing various diplomatic implements of great value. At his feet purred the cat diplomatic, as if anxious to accompany him. "These boxes are a great trouble to me," said the old man, getting up with some effort, and pointing to three, about two feet square each, and labelled as follows:--No. 1, "_Cuba by purchase_," below--"_Copies of Correspondence with our Minister to Spain, some years ago_," at the left corner the words--"_Promiscus_." No. 2. "_Cuba at any price_"--underneath--"_This side up, with care?_" No. 3. "_Cuba of necessity, and as a link in the manifest fulfilment of destiny?_"--underneath--"_Handled only by the experienced porter_."

"The hall now rang loud of confusion,--the fiery-eyed cat ran screaming to the door, maids" eyes were seen wanting to weep, Prompt affected great grief,--he would be worked to death,--porters were seen carrying out the luggage, and then waited to convey the old man. Then Prompt said--the negro, as if to make the picture complete, was making all sorts of grimaces in a corner,--if Dan should by some accident return, what a deal of extra work he would make! But Smooth made up his mind that such complaints were the natural consequences of an irregular system. At last, having got boxes one, two, and three nicely cared for, we bundled in the rest of the traps, following then with the old man indispensable. Saunders being present by appointment, insisted upon his right to drive the team, and suddenly springing upon the box, seized unceremoniously the reins, and put the horses into full gallop. Increasing his speed, until it became frightful to delicate nerves, the poor old man"s fears for his safety became so excited that it required all my strength to keep him from jumping out and breaking his neck, notwithstanding I had tucked him away so nicely among the boxes before starting. Down Portland place, through Oxford street, up Holborn, and down Cheapside, to the Bank (astonishing the natives as we went) we drove, and from thence to St. Katherine"s Dock, where was moored the trim little steamboat chartered to convey Mr.

Pierce"s plenipotentiaries safe to Ostend. Buck was in a sad state of excitement when we stopped; he resembled an individual just escaped from a perilous adventure. He discharged himself clumsily from the wagon, his face undergoing singular changes of color the while, and cast a few savage glances at Saunders, who very composedly sat on the box endeavoring with might and main to suppress a vagabond laugh.

"Now, Saunders," indistinctly sputtered the old man, as that bluff-sided individual turned upon his seat, rather knavely casting a comical glance over his shoulder, "I"m not afraid--my courage never fails me; but that steamer don"t take me to Ostend if you"re a pa.s.senger! Mind that now!" Saunders lowered himself gravely from the box, and with serious countenance a.s.sured the old man that no danger could result while he drove the team. In reply to this, the old man declared that with Saunders on board a blowing-up was certain. The much-dreaded gentleman, however, soon quieted the envoy"s fears by a.s.suring him that accompanying us to Ostend was farthest from his thoughts, he having made all the necessary arrangements for throwing a bomb-sh.e.l.l into the camp from this side of the water, as directed by the Uncle Caleb and the boy Fourney. Boxes one, two, and three being safely on board, we supported the old governor after them--Saunders on one side, and Smooth on the other. Then the bell rang, and the steam thundered and roared, and the little craft glided on her way, Saunders waving his adieus from the wharf, and crying out at the very top of his voice--"Don"t forget Cuba!" and "go it, Buck! Go it, Smooth!!"

CHAPTER XX.

ARRIVAL AND GRAND RECEPTION AT OSTEND.

"Our pa.s.sage was attended with extremely pleasant weather; and nothing remarkable occurred, except that the Dutch crew thought Mr. Buckhanan a very great man, and the object of his mission the overthrow of European dynasties in general. Twice they undertook to regale him with sour-krout, which he p.r.o.nounced inferior to that made in York county, Pennsylvane. As to me, they declined to be convinced that I was not Governor of Kentucky, having a singular belief in the peculiarities of that State for growing long citizens--the tallest man always being elected governor. Perhaps I should have added that the Schiedam was only tolerable, the brandy bad; and that Buck, having forgotten his tobacco, was compelled to resort to very bad Dutch loggerhead, with which he kept the swabs busily employed.

"As we entered the port of Ostend, once so celebrated for the defence of its garrison, a salute of thirteen guns was fired from the old fort, which we attempted to answer with a rusty swivel, Buck waving his hat, and singing "Yankee Doodle" to the burghers who filed along the dilapidated d.y.k.e. As the steamer neared a landing-place, we descried the coa.r.s.e figure of Corporal Noggs, surrounded by numerous of his fellow citizens, prominent among whom was Monsieur Souley and the Chevalier Belmont. In addition to these welcoming spirits, there came also a Dutch band, which, ere we had made fast alongside, struck up something they intended for _Hail, Columbia!_ The reader will please appeal to his imagination as to what our reception must have been, when I tell him that shouts and huzzas, interspersed with this discordant "Hail Columbia!" rent the very air, and made faint the roaring of the steam from the funnel of our little craft. Boxes one, two, and three, were now sent forward under an escort to the hotel, while a triumphal chair secured to two long poles was placed in proper order for the reception of my friend Buck. Rather against his inclination, and not without expressing some doubt as to the propriety of displaying so much pageantry in a foreign country, was he packed into it by Monsieurs Souley and Belmont. Corporal Noggs now formed in order the procession, which moved in state through the city, headed by the band playing the "Rogue"s March," which it mistook for "Yankee Doodle." Such a funny procession! The reader may imagine the figure cut by my venerable friend, when I tell him that the triumphal chair was borne on the shoulders of Monsieurs Souley, Belmont, Daniels, and O"Sullivan--the two former being in the lead. Close in the rear of the chair, your humble servant, Smooth, took up his position, riding a female jacka.s.s, an animal domesticated by Monsieur Souley, under whose saddle she had borne up until the flesh was nearly off her bones. This was tapered off with an everlasting string of seedy citizens, for whom an innumerable quant.i.ty of goats seemed to have a fellow sympathy, so close did they follow. At the hotel, from the balcony of which streamed the stars and stripes, the uproar and confusion was beyond description. Could some of the old burghers have risen from the tomb, they might have imagined a modern siege of that city they so n.o.bly defended in times gone by. Staggering and sweating, the four envoys bore their precious burden to the great porch, whence he was escorted to the balcony, upon which he stood, like a Roman of old, and, by the advice of Monsieur Souley, delivered a stunning speech, that versatile functionary translating it into Dutch. It will scarcely be necessary to add that the speech proved a decided hit, and was received with shouts and acclamations. Not a little done over, the old statesman was now regaled on delicious krout and gin-slings, and put carefully to bed by a Dutch chambermaid. This was at three o"clock in the afternoon. At seven I marshalled all hands for a grand banquet, which had been prepared without any regard to expense, it being intimated that Uncle Sam would settle for the whole thing.

"Fresh and refreshed we all appeared ready for action, and as bright as could possibly be expected after such a fatigue. The table was set out in grand style; indeed, it literally groaned under every delicacy of the season--not excepting krout, the glows of which impregnated the atmosphere. Buck said he would sit opposite the krout; but that was objected to, on the ground of his eating so much as to change the tone of his speech, which was expected to be more than usually spirited. After so little opposition from Monsieur Souley, who wanted the place himself, it was voted that I should take the chair. Of course I could not refuse the honor; but in order to ill.u.s.trate the three principles of our political policy, I was cautious to stipulate that Buck sit on my right and Monsieur Souley on my left. Here we were--steady, very steady, and very fast. Belmont insinuated, rather ironically, that Buck could no longer be considered of the steady school; in fact, Saunders had so cultivated his component parts that he might now, without any fear of contradiction be put down as remarkably fast. I need scarcely add that the viands were discussed with great gusto, Monsieur Souley absorbing so much of the _fricasee frog_ that his glossy black hair, which had before beautifully undulated over his shoulders, now curled tighter, his eyes sparkled brighter, his face became more olive, and his periods more intensely French. O"Sullivan, too, had procured some capital Irish whiskey, which he said he already felt in his boots. At ten o"clock there was a general secession of knife and fork, and a resort to the less tasteful amus.e.m.e.nt of speech-making. Souley, however, had all the while said all manner of things about, and brought all sorts of charges against Louis Napoleon, whose government he denounced in very general terms, not dreaming that that shrewd sovereign had introduced two spies in the capacity of waiters. The cloth being removed, Monsieur rose, considering he was in duty bound, and commenced throwing off the rounded sentences of the first part of a very long speech,--at one moment denouncing princes and kings in general, and in the next threatening to smother Spain with an interesting exposition of her perfidy. Her puppet government was a base mockery; he said Espartero had grossly deceived him!--Here he was brought to a stand by Mr. O"Sullivan, "It"s meself thinks the gintleman "s about debatin matter what "ll c.u.m afore the Convention to-morrow," interposed that gentleman. Monsieur Souley replied somewhat tartly: he hoped the gentleman from Ireland would not interrupt him. Order! was now called for on every side, and an appeal made to the chair, without whose interposition a savage encounter must have resulted. The whole company were now on foot, interposing for peace; nor had I time to a.s.sert my authority, when, decanters of port and claret standing close at hand, Souley seized one, and O"Sullivan the other, as if for weapons of mortal combat, and commenced a series of threatening menaces. The waiters were not accustomed to such feints, and one, before we were conscious, of it had run down stairs and alarmed the house. Landlord, servants, and a whole troup of police, came rushing into the hall, as the two gentlemen of Verona, revealing the joke, made the politest bows over their gla.s.ses, which they gracefully emptied. I was about deciding that Monsieur Souley"s language was decidedly personal, when he proclaimed his determination to postpone his speech until to-morrow. He would however, conclude by proposing a toast, which he need scarcely add would be heartily responded to by every one present. He would propose the health of the venerable statesman on the chairman"s right--a man who had long and worthily maintained the highest rank among his country"s statesmen, and whose opinions (although he differed with them at times) were world-wide! (Great sensation). Mr. Buckhanan now rose, evidently affected by the immensity of the cheers. His mien was at once dignified, and when contrasted with the promiscuous countenances that surrounded him, wore an air singularly American. He began by saying he was happy to say he did not feel himself a stranger in a strange land. (This being translated into Dutch by Monsieur Souley, the invited guests present received it with loud acclamations). We read the same books; we were animated by a kindred love of liberty; we spoke the same language; we enjoyed the same immunities of a const.i.tutional government; and that spirit which animated us to fight for liberty had its origin in the same stock! Here Mr. Belmont interposed by reminding the venerable statesman that the Dutch of Pennsylvania and New York could not be said properly to represent the whole American Union. Order being demanded and restored, Mr. Buckhanan apologised for the grave error, which he charged to the delicious quality of the krout. He seemed unconscious of what he had been saying, and suddenly became aware that he had mistaken his theme, and was letting off the big end of his model speech, with which he had so often entertained his friends at feeds given by sundry Lord Mayors of London. The joke was too good; the old man could not suppress a laugh at his own mistake, and sat down, intimating that as he would have something to say to-morrow he would now bring his speech to a close. (Uproarious applause). Again Monsieur Souley rose, and amid shouts of--"question!" said the question was of no kind of consequence, that he always went on the principle of making himself heard. Further attempts to rein up Monsieur Souley would have been sheer madness; so he continued his speech, which included fifty irrelevant topics without discussing one. He even charged Louis Napoleon with poisoning the champagne.

Whatever of truth there might be in the charge, we only know that the speaker ere he had concluded his speech found himself standing alone, the whole Congress having dropped off into a profound sleep. Becoming indignant at this display of indifference, he stopped suddenly, commanded the waiters to wake up the sleepers, and himself commenced an uproar by smashing the tumblers and decanters, after the fashion of a French fiddler in for a frolic. The company with one accord offered an apology, joined in drinking the health of the speaker, charged the delinquency to the strength of the poisoned champagne rather than that of the speech--(which was narcotic, rather), and adjourned to meet in Duitenethipicgnisher"s Hall, at twelve o"clock on the following morning. I must not omit to inform the reader that those who were unable to see their way up stairs were carried there by the waiters. Smooth, as a matter of course, had no bricks in his hat.

"Bright and early on the following morning I tumbled out, made a hasty toilet, and set about waking up the Congress of sleepers. Souley I found in a sad plight; Buck was snoring like great guns; O"Sullivan I thought had either been dreaming of the Pampero expedition, or taken too much whiskey during the delivery of Monsieur Souley"s speech; Belmont had made a pillow of his Dutch bonds--indeed the only specimen of humanity up and moving was Corporal Noggs, who expressed his anxiety to know what Marcy would say were he an eye-witness to the preliminaries. As for Pierce! it mattered little what he thought, he being a mere cypher among the boys. Having succeeded in moving the Congress we sallied out to view those suburbs so full of historical lore. To our surprise we were surrounded wherever we went by a clamorous and grotesque crowd of discontented individuals, each bearing a doc.u.ment in his or her hand, on which was prominently described the great seal of the United States of America. For a time the mystery involved seemed as undefinable as the jargon of the motley group. Indeed, the whole city seemed not only agog, but panic stricken. Nor was its influence confined to any cla.s.s. It had delved alike into the palace of the king and cabin of the burgher. Wherever a delegate made his appearance he was sure to be followed or surrounded by a clamorous group, pouring forth its jargon in a rhapsody of praise to America, which singularly enough they supposed had sent the first instalment of her intention to overthrow the dynasties of Europe, and relieve mankind in general. Monsieur Souley, whom they happily mistook for a Greek, was the only member of the Congress exempt from the annoyance.

"A little more light was soon reflected on the mystery! Saunders had inundated the city--not with his promised bombsh.e.l.ls: his missile was more alarming, but less dangerous. Having ingeniously changed the object of a very long epistle, he dedicated it to the French people instead of the Austrian Emperor. The mould of its dictum was decidedly strong; but in order to add more point he gave his periods a peculiar slant, at the head of Napoleon the Third. That a fellow-feeling as lasting as the mountain chain existed between the French and American peoples, there was, according to the circular, not a doubt. In reference to other heads, there were strong doubts! The Congress now a.s.sembling was an earnest of what he said: that _august_ body George strongly recommended to the esteem of all aggrieved citizens. Did any one doubt the genuineness or the national character of these epistles he had but to refer to the great seal on their front, which was none other than that of the Legation at London.

"The reader may now easily imagine our increasing difficulties. On proceeding to the Hall at the appointed time, I found our Ministers in a general state of alarm. Souley had received a private and very confidential letter from his agent in Paris, forewarning him of Louis Napoleon"s intention to descend upon the Congress, perform a _coup-d"etat_, and having nicely bagged the game, appropriate it to his own table. In view of this, Monsieur Souley recommended an adjournment to a more congenial atmosphere. Messrs. Buckhanan and Belmont rising together, objected to any such movement, inasmuch as it would discover a spirit of weakness, to guard against which Uncle Caleb and Master Fourney had given express instructions. Here a long cross-fire of discussion ensued. I thought it had neither head nor tail, and was something after the order of what Mr. Pierce conceived to be the object of this Congress, for it resulted in nothing, the speakers all agreeing to withdraw what they had said. As a first move to the organization of the body, it was agreed that Hanz Voghnine, who was privileged to open a bar for the sale of good liquors in one corner of the hall, would be the only outsider admitted. Hanz was accordingly examined in reference to his being a spy; the result being satisfactory, he was enjoined to keep nothing but a first-rate article. On the second balloting I found myself elected President, which high distinction, having been conducted to the chair amidst soul-stirring acclamations, I acknowledged in what is generally termed a neat and appropriate speech. Noggs was at the first ballot elected Sergeant-at-Arms and door-keeper in general, the duty of which offices he promised to fill to the very best of his abilities. A vagrant-opinion was rife that Monsieur Souley would have filled the office of door-keeper much better, himself being so easily opened and shut. However, as Noggs had been voted the office, we all reconciled ourselves to the selection, each member providing himself with a gin-sling, and taking his seat. A silence, as of the tomb, prevailed, while I rose to open the proceedings of the first day. I first made my own bow, then drew forth the State paper commissioning me to call together "this august body." Mr. O"Sullivan suggesting it was agreed that there being out so many doc.u.ments of a similar character the reading was rendered unnecessary. I bowed to the decision. A similar fate awaited an attempt to read several of Mr. Pierce"s private opinions. Mr. Buckhanan said we better hear what Pierce had to say, and then make up our minds as to whether it was ent.i.tled to the consideration of "this important body." Monsieur Souley replied, with great fervency, that it were better Pierce be left entirely out of the question, and the Congress proceed to deliberate on its own hook. A good many dissenting voices here interposed; but the speaker, very pertinaciously, said he had the floor, and was prepared to discuss the question with any gentleman (here he turned a meaning glance at Buck) disposed to accept the challenge. The dread of a lengthy speech brought gentlemen to their senses: rather than endure it they agreed that Pierce should be left entirely out. It was, now generally expected that Monsieur Souley would sit down. No such intention had he. Turning to me, he bowed, and said: "Your Excellency will observe, that as the order in which the many questions to come before this Congress has not been produced, and the question of the acquisition of Cuba to the United States being the most important one in the schedule, I move that the order be suspended, and that the discussion of that all-important subject be commenced." Souley was inclined, I saw, to absorb time very unprofitably. I was about to p.r.o.nounce him out of order, when there came a loud knocking at the door, followed by a band attempting to play a Dutch medley. The door was immediately thrown open. Ten citizens, savage and hairy of visage entered, to the consternation of the Congress a.s.sembled. One of their number advanced, having exchanged the countersign with Noggs; but he failed to make himself understood until Monsieur Souley politely tendered his aid, introducing him in succession to every one present. They were, according to the rendering of Monsieur, a deputation from the "_Very ancient and honorable order of Red Republicans_," who, having become aware of the many grand objects for which our Congress was convened (as set forth in the circular of the great Saunders), had appeared before it to pray that their grievances might be duly redressed and themselves reinstated in the government of France. Monsieur Souley made a speech of more than ordinary length on the subject, which he brought to a close by calling upon the President (me) not to permit this patriotic body of suffering men to depart without an a.s.surance that their case would receive immediate attention. This I did in the very best manner possible, adding that Hanz might treat them to gin-slings all round. This done, Monsieur politely bowed them into the street, the last bow being his very best. The reader will by this time have discovered that Monsieur Souley const.i.tuted the Congress and Mr. Pierce thrown in.

"Scarcely had the deputation of very ancient and honorable red republicans taken itself into the street, when entrance was demanded by a deputation from "The Hopeful Order of Polish Exiles." The individuals const.i.tuting it were lighter of person and complexion than the reds; and, too, there was about them an air of melancholy which at once touched the tender of my feelings. They bore with them a long pet.i.tion, and humbly but devoutly prayed America to make their cause her own (here they produced several of Saunders" circulars): they asked only to enlist in her bond of brotherhood. Long had they waited the coming of this day--the day when she would invade Europe, and fight the battle of Liberty against despotism. Sweet was the recollection of a fatherland; to them it became sweeter as they contemplated that great star of liberty all powerful in the West. They spoke Scandinavian in silvery accents. Monsieur Souley"s genius was for once at fault: he spoke only French, Dutch, and bad Spanish, rendering it necessary to call in the aid of Hanz, who, having rendered it into Dutch, Monsieur did the rest. Dismissing this very distinguished deputation with a positive a.s.surance that their case should be at once referred to the great George Saunders, nothing more was required. "I would suggest," spoke Mr. Belmont, rising with great gravity, as the satisfied gentlemen made their last bow at the door, "whether it be not necessary to close the door against further deputations, it being expedient to proceed with the transaction of more important business?" To this Messrs. Sullivan, Buckhanan, and Souley rose, greatly agitated. Souley said he had the floor, and would not yield an inch. Mr. Buckhanan had only a word to say. Mr. Sullivan gave way. Monsieur Souley said he had great sympathy for all oppressed citizens. He could not but characterize such language as had been used by the learned statesman, Mr. Belmont in reference to these very respectable bodies, as contrary to the spirit of our inst.i.tutions. Mr.

Belmont bowed, and left the speaker to indulge his love of speech, which was again interrupted by a terrific thundering at the door, which opened,--not to a deputation, but to a whole platform of rejected humanity, presenting the most grotesque appearance.

Falstaff"s invincibles would convey no comparison. Some were hatless and shoeless; some had sleeveless coats and tattered trousers: others had collars but no shirts; all had faces immersed in ma.s.sive beards.

Two-and-two abreast, they walked, in with an independent air, each provided with a Saunder"s circular, and took up a position in a half-circle just behind the seats of the several members of the Congress. The person who represented them, and who could boast of but one shoe, and one sleeve to his coat, and had a countenance smothered in hair, now approached Monsieur Souley as Monsieur Souley approached him, and both bowed. I ought to have mentioned that this last procession was preceded by one of their number, wheeling a barrow, on which was a monster pet.i.tion, specifying the fifty thousand grievances they hoped would be redressed by the Congress. Buck, who it was more than suspected looked with suspicion upon the mixture of reds in general, was seen squinting steadily in the faces of the savage-looking intruders, while others could not suppress a laugh at the singular quaintness of the picture they presented. The leader having extended his hand to Monsieur, a consultation ensued, and was continued with innumerable gestures, grimaces, and contortions of the face. The Chair begged to remind gentlemen of the importance of time.

The Chair hoped Monsieur Souley would find it convenient to report.

That versatile statesman replied,--He had the honor to inform this august body, that these gentlemen--externally so deficient!--const.i.tuted the "Forlorn Order of _Very_ Red Republicans."

Here Monsieur turned to the forlorn order, as it, with one accord bowed, in confirmation of what he said. "Gentlemen!" continued the speaker with a rhetorical flourish, "you must not judge these men by their exteriors. We have here the rough bark covering the fine tree. Gentlemen! have not these men hearts of oak, nerves of steel, and bone that, like their souls, never breaks in time of need?"

"The Chair thought it time to interrupt the speaker by inquiring what the forlorn order prayed for? Monsieur Souley resumed. "Learning from the authority they held in their hands (epistle de la Saunders), what were the true objects of this Congress, they had n.o.bly come forward to tender their services, and to express in person their readiness to take up arms in America"s cause. He proposed a vote of thanks for this patriotic manifestation." This was voted without a dissentient voice, seeing that it cost nothing. The spokesman of the order again held a consultation with Monsieur Souley, the result of which was, that gentleman"s making a charitable appeal to the Congress, and concluding by proposing that a contribution be taken in aid of the forlorns. This brought Mr. Belmont suddenly to his feet. He would oppose any such thing. Their difficulties had already increased beyond calculation; and, were this proposition acceded to, it would not only confirm a singular belief outside--that the object of this Congress was the general relief of mankind, but so increase their responsibilities as to render it impossible to proceed with legitimate business. No sane man--much less one accustomed to dealing in coin--could have entertained such an idea. I need scarcely add that the proposition was negatived without a dissenting voice, Monsieur Souley not voting. It was now pretty evident to all present that the Congress would have its time and attention pretty well absorbed in receiving deputations of citizens deluded by Saunders" letters, and listening to the very pathetic speeches of Monsieur. The day was now far gone; the Congress began to feel its appet.i.te; the forlorns withdrew in discontent; the presence of many other deputations surrounding the doors was announced; and the Congress drank all round, and adjourned to meet on the following morning for the dispatch of business.

"The "following morning" came, and with it troubles insurmountable.

Scarcely had the Congress resumed its sitting, when an avalanche of deputations was announced, waiting an audience. Monsieur Souley proposed that they be received in their order. Of course I was bound to submit his proposal, but could not suppress a smile. I thought the order would be the most difficult thing to ascertain. However, as we are naturally good-natured, and love to turn the gravest subjects into the lightest jokes, that they be received in their order was agreed to without a dissenting vote. By four o"clock in the afternoon we had received and heard the prayers of all sorts of deputations. There was--"The Ancient Order of Roman Republicans;" the "Lone Band of Oppressed Brothers;" the "Universal Brotherhood of Exiled Patriots;"

the "Hopeful Band of Hungarian Refugees;" the "Polish Perpetuators;"--in fact, there came all kinds of orders, and bonds, and leagues, and societies, all with innumerable grievances about they knew not what. There were the oppressed, and very oppressed; the hopeful, and very hopeful; the patriotic, and very patriotic; all praying that their grievances might be redressed. Indeed, they ill.u.s.trated the fact that Europe was in no want of spirits. Some of these forlorn brothers marched with bands of music, not only keeping the city in a state of general alarm, but seriously disturbing the nervous systems of many very respectable persons, high in office.

"It was now six o"clock, and as the Congress was hungry, and fatigued with its labors, and Hanz was literally worn out with mixing slings and smashes, I rose to propose we adjourn until to-morrow, seeing there was no time to receive any more deputations; but was interrupted by Noggs, who significantly announced a platoon of soldiery in front of the hall. Monsieur Souley now turned a pale brown color; Belmont was seen looking for a back-door; and Buck"s hair changed two shades whiter:--indeed, the alarm that had prevailed in sundry palaces outside seemed to have seized upon _our_ Congress.

""A demand from the King!" announced Noggs, with ominous accent.

Suddenly a suspicious-looking gent, smothered in dark uniform bespread with a profusion of lace, was ushered in, and with an elastic step, and quick, wandering eye, approached gracefully the President (me) and announced himself as King"s Messenger. For a moment he stood uncovered, as if taking a bird"s-eye-view of the mental qualities of America; then, raising his right hand, which held a scroll, he extended it to the Chair as Mr. O"Sullivan demanded--"Hats off!" The silence of a minute was then broken by Monsieur Souley, who, having regained his courage, interposed sarcastically,--"a messenger from the King of the Dutch?" The official gave a glance in return, and bowed. A seat was now provided for the stranger, who, as he was about to sit down, intimated that in the event of the terms of his Majesty"s proclamation not being complied with, painful as it would be to his feelings, he would, in deference to his orders, be compelled to resort to arms. It was a moment full of painful anxiety: the Chair cast an eye over the doc.u.ment, as every one waited with eager suspense its being read aloud. At length, summoning to my aid all the dignity my composition entertained, I rose as each restless eye denoted hope and anxiety, and said I would read the King"s commands, which were to the following effect:--"That whereas sundry evil-disposed persons, not having the fear of G.o.d before their eyes, and representing themselves as citizens of the American Republic, have come into this country with ill intent, and have, in defiance of law and order, held sundry meetings for the purpose of conspiring against the peace of the State and safety of the throne; and whereas the said persons herein set forth have, since their landing on our beloved soil, conducted themselves in a manner so riotous as to cause suspicion of their deliberations, be it known to all concerned in this mysterious gathering, that by this my proclamation I forbid the holding of any such a.s.semblies; and further, that unless that now in deliberation be at once dispersed, the persons found engaged in it will be dealt with according to the law made and provided for the punishment of vagrants in general. Signed and sealed with our hands, &c., &c." Need I say that the reading this proclamation created a wonderful sensation, which was here and there interspersed with marks of contempt for its authority. The Chair, I insinuated, would await any remarks. Mr.

Buckhanan immediately rose, and proposed that we bow to the authority, and move to a more congenial atmosphere. Messrs. Souley, Belmont (having come back), and Jackson, rose to oppose. The King"s Messenger also rose: seeing the first symptoms of a powerful opposition manifesting itself, he would warn gentlemen of the Congress that it was of no use--they must move on! By way of adding tone to his demand, he intimated that it might be necessary to motion his guard. As things began to look rather squally, I said the Chair would like to say a few words, provided Monsieur Souley did not interrupt, and was perfectly willing to yield the floor. That gentleman firmly declined; adding that he stood upon the order of his reputation, nor would ever yield to Pierce, Marcy, and the King of the Dutch thrown in. He firmly believed it a trick of Marcy"s own; he was known to be in league with the Queen of Spain, Louis Napoleon, and the Dutch King, with whom he had compromised the Gibson case. Mr. O"Sullivan, with good logic clothed in very bad English, now rose to the rescue, and was fortunate enough to hit upon the identical expedient by which we all got honorably out of a very bad affair. He proposed (Mr. Souley continued talking) that it being evident to this Congress that insurmountable difficulties of a local character having arisen, thereby impeding the progress of legitimate business; that whereas the oysters are found to be diseased; the gin-and-bitters intolerable; the champagne poisoned by Louis Napoleon; and the sour krout absolutely indigestible, an adjournment is thereby imperatively necessary. In consideration of all the foregoing facts, the speaker moved that this Congress do adjourn to the more congenial atmosphere of Aix-la-Chapelle. The motion was carried with shouts of laughter, and the Congress broke up in the very best humor, leaving Monsieur Souley in possession of the floor. In addition to this, the King"s Messenger was carried captive to the first hotel and treated, while Noggs received orders to draw on Sam for all outstanding bills.

"On the following morning the Congress took up its march for Aix-la-Chapelle, resembling somewhat the children of Israel on their historical pilgrimage. In straggling order did the grotesque train wend its way,--Monsieur Souley mounted on the before-named jacka.s.s, which, having so long been accustomed to Monsieur"s riding, obstinately refused to be mounted by my friend Buck, who was in consequence seated on boxes "_one, two and three_," which were placed on a Dutch van, and drawn by two more docile donkeys, bringing up the rear. The world knows the rest--that is, with one exception! Buck told me, very confidentially, that the Congress had been fast enough for anything; that Pierce was soft enough to think good would come of it; and that he only put his signature to that remarkable doc.u.ment proclaiming our natural right to Cuba with virtuous reluctance,--merely to keep peace in the house!

CHAPTER XXI.

FASHIONABLE DEBTS AND FASHIONABLE DIPLOMATISTS.

"In days not altogether halcyon, I had a venerable great-uncle, a quaint specimen of human infirmity, the singularity of the parish.

Though eccentric at times, he was not dest.i.tute of good qualities.

These, had they been properly applied, might have served to distinguish him among men in what is pedantically called the higher walks of life. But he had a fault, and one that is very unpopular even at this day: he would get vexed at the short-comings of his neighbors, at whom he would level truths exceedingly unpalatable. Indeed, he never failed to put very keen edges on his sayings. Even now, I have the old man in my mind"s eye, as in the hey-day of youth my boyish fancy sported with his infirmities. Never shall I forget his slender, stooping figure; his bright bald crown, curtained with locks that pended snowy over his coat collar; his weeping, watchful eye; his tottering mien; his high and furrowed brow, lengthening a sharp, corrugated face; his blunt, warty nose, made more striking by a sunken mouth and the working motion of his lower jaw; and his

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