"Look here," he said. "I"ve got to get to all that gradually. I don"t know that I"ll ever get to it cheerfully. But I can"t talk about that place to-night. And I don"t want to talk war. The whole business makes me sick. I"ve got a car out of it, and if things keep on we may be able to get the Leete house. But there"s no reason in it, no sense. I"m sick to death of hearing about it. Let"s talk of something else."
But--and here was something strange--Sara Lee could find nothing else to talk about. The thing that she had looked forward so eagerly to telling--that was barred. And the small gossip of their little circle, purely personal and trivial, held only faint interest for her. For the first time they had no common ground to meet on.
Yet it was a very happy man who went whistling to his room that night.
He was rather proud of himself too. After all the bitterness of the past months, he had been gentle and loving to Sara Lee. He had not scolded her.
In the next room he could hear her going quietly about, opening and closing the drawers of the new bureau, moving a chair. Pretty soon, G.o.d willing, they need never be separated. He would have her always, to protect and cherish and love.
He went outside to her closed door.
"Good night, sweetheart," he called softly.
"Good night, dear," came her soft reply.
But long after he was asleep Sara Lee stood at her window and listened to the leaves, so like the feet of weary men on the ruined street over there.
For the first time she was questioning the thing she had done. She loved Harvey--but there were many kinds of love. There was the love of Jean for Henri, and there was the wonderful love, though the memory now was cruel and hurt her, of Henri for herself. And there was the love of Marie for the memory of Maurice the spy. Many kinds of love; and one heart might love many people, in different ways.
A small doubt crept into her mind. This feeling she had for Harvey was not what she had thought it was over there. It was a thing that had belonged to a certain phase of her life. But that phase was over. It was, like Marie"s, but a memory.
This Harvey of the new car and the increased income and the occasional hardness in his voice was not the Harvey she had left. Or perhaps it was she who had changed. She wondered. She felt precisely the same, tender toward her friends, unwilling to hurt them. She did not want to hurt Harvey.
But she did not love him as he deserved to be loved. And she had a momentary lift of the veil, when she saw the long vista of the years, the two of them always together and always between them hidden, untouched, but eating like a cancer, Harvey"s resentment and suspicion of her months away from him.
There would always be a barrier between them. Not only on Harvey"s side.
There were things she had no right to tell--of Henri, of his love and care for her, and of that last terrible day when he realized what he had done.
That night, lying in the new bed, she faced that situation too. How much was she to blame? If Henri felt that each life lost was lost by him wasn"t the same true for her? Why had she allowed him to stay in London?
But that was one question she did not answer frankly.
She lay there in the darkness and wondered what punishment he would receive. He had done so much for them over there. Surely, surely, they would allow for that. But small things came back to her--the awful sight of the miller and his son, led away to death, with the sacks over their heads. The relentlessness of it all, the expecting that men should give everything, even life itself, and ask for no mercy.
And this, too, she remembered: Once in a wild moment Henri had said he would follow her to America, and that there he would prove to her that his and not Harvey"s was the real love of her life--the great love, that comes but once to any woman, and to some not at all. Yet on that last night at Morley"s he had said what she now felt was a final farewell. That last look of his, from the doorway--that had been the look of a man who would fill his eyes for the last time.
She got up and stood by the window. What had they done to him? What would they do? She looked at her watch. It was four o"clock in the morning over there. The little house would be quiet now, but down along the lines men would be standing on the firing step of the trench, and waiting, against what the dawn might bring.
Through the thin wall came the sound of Harvey"s heavy, regular breathing. She remembered Henri"s light sleeping on the kitchen floor, his cap on the table, his cape rolled round him--a sleeping, for all his weariness, so light that he seemed always half conscious. She remembered the innumerable times he had come in at this hour, muddy, sometimes rather gray of face with fatigue, but always cheerful.
It was just such an hour that she found him giving hot coffee to the German prisoner. It had been but a little earlier when he had taken her to the roof and had there shown her Rene, lying with his face up toward the sky which had sent him death.
A hundred memories crowded--Henri"s love for the Belgian soldiers, and theirs for him; his humor; his absurd riddles. There was the one he had asked Rene, the very day before the air attack. He had stood stiffly and frowningly before the boy, and he had asked in a highly official tone:
"What must a man be to be buried with military honors?"
"A general?"
"No."
"An officer?"
"No, no! Use your head boy! This is very important. A mistake would be most serious."
Rene had shaken his head dejectedly.
"He must be dead, Rene," Henri had said gravely. "Entirely dead. As I said, it is well to know these things. A mistake would be unfortunate."
His blue eyes had gleamed with fun, but his face had remained frowning.
It was quite five minutes before she had heard Rene chuckling on the doorstep.
Was he still living, this Henri of the love of life and courting of death? Could anything so living die? And if he had died had it been because of her? She faced that squarely for the first time.
"Perhaps even beyond the stars they have need of a little house of mercy; and, G.o.d knows, wherever I am I shall have need of you."
Beyond the part.i.tion Harvey slept on, his arms under his head.
XXVI
Harvey was clamoring for an early wedding. And indeed there were few arguments against it, save one that Sara Lee buried in her heart.
Belle"s house was small, and though she was welcome there, and more than that, Sara Lee knew that she was crowding the family.
Perhaps Sara Lee would have agreed in the end. There seemed to be nothing else to do, though by the end of the first week she was no longer in any doubt as to what her feeling for Harvey really was. It was kindness, affection; but it was not love. She would marry him because she had promised to, and because their small world expected her to do so; and because she could not shame him again.
For to her surprise she found that that was what he had felt--a strange, self-conscious shame, like that of a man who has been jilted. She felt that by coming back to him she had forfeited the right to break the engagement.
So every hour of every day seemed to make the thing more inevitable.
Belle was embroidering towels for her in her scant leisure. Even Anna, with a second child coming, sent in her contribution to the bride"s linen chest. By almost desperately insisting on a visit to Aunt Harriet she got a reprieve of a month. And Harvey was inclined to be jealous even of that.
Sometimes, but mostly at night when she was alone, a hot wave of resentment overwhelmed her. Why should she be forced into the thing?
Was there any prospect of happiness after marriage when there was so little before?
For she realized now that even Harvey was not happy. He had at last definitely refused to hear the story of the little house.
"I"d rather just forget it, honey!" he said.
But inconsistently he knew she did not forget it, and it angered him.
True to his insistence on ignoring those months of her absence, she made no attempt to tell him. Now and then, however, closed in the library together, they would fail of things to talk about, and Sara Lee"s knitting needles would be the only sound in the room. At those times he would sit back in his chair and watch the far-away look in her eyes, and it maddened him.
From her busy life Belle studied them both, with an understanding she did not reveal. And one morning when the mail came she saw Sara Lee"s face as she turned away, finding there was no letter for her, and made an excuse to follow her to her room.
The girl was standing by the window looking out. The children were playing below, and the maple trees were silent. Belle joined her there and slipped an arm round her.
"Why are you doing it, Sara Lee?" she asked.