She stole away, trembling. There was a great fear and wonder at her heart, and the watcher saw no more.
Joseph smiled bitterly. His brain seemed some detached thing, a theatre upon the stage of which wild thoughts were the conflicting actors and his sub-conscious intelligence the spectator.
The simile of the shadow returned to him, and was it not all a shadow--this dark, unhappy life of his? The words "radiant energy," the words "G.o.d" "conscious force" danced before him. The whole sentient world was reeling--the blood that fed the grey matter of his brain was poor and thin--this was the reason.
Yet, was it the reason, after all? What had happened to him in the last few minutes? He felt as he had never in his whole life felt before.
There was a sense of extraordinary impotence. Something had come into him; something had gone out of him.
No!--something had gone _through_ him--that was the way to describe it to himself....
Oh for food, rich nourishing food, quiet and fresh air--then all this sickness would go....
Joseph left the docks, and was soon back in the teeming Commercial Road.
He walked, lost in thought, unconscious of all his surroundings.
"Nah, then, Monkey Brand, "oo y"r shovin"? I can see y"r gettin" a thick ear, young feller-my-lad. Owns the bloomin" pyvement--"
A string of obscene oaths and the above words brought Joseph the dreamer down to earth again--the world of the Commercial Road.
He had stumbled against a typical bullet-headed, wicked-eyed East End rough.
The man stepped close up to Joseph, lifting an impudent and dirty face, holding the right arm ready to strike the short, jabbing blow so dear to the hooligan.
Then a strange thing happened.
Joseph, roused so suddenly and rudely from his bitter reverie, became aware of what was toward. He was about to apologize to the man when his words were checked in his mouth by the fellow"s filthy profanity. Joseph suddenly, instead of speaking, turned his full face to him. The great, blazing eyes, their brilliancy accentuated a hundred times by hunger and scorn, seemed to cleave their way through the thick skull of the aggressor, to pierce the muddy and besotted brain within, to strike fear into the small leathern heart.
The man lifted his arm and covered his face, just like a street child who expects a blow; and then with a curious sound, half whimper, half snarl, turned and made off in a moment.
It was an extraordinary instance of magnetic power inherent in this starving scholar who roamed the streets in a sad dream.
On his own part, Joseph"s action had been quite unconscious. He had no thought of the force stored up in him as in an electric acc.u.mulator.
Some experiments in animal magnetism he had certainly made, when he had taken a pa.s.sing interest in the subject at Cambridge. He had cured his "gyp" of a bad attack of neuralgia once, or at least the man said he had, but that was as far as it had gone.
He turned his steps towards the stifling attic he called "home." After all, he was better there than in the streets. Besides, he was using up what little strength remained to him in this aimless wandering.
He had eaten nothing that day, but at nine in the evening he had a lesson to give. This would mean a shilling, and there were two more owing from his pupil, so that even if Hampson, who lived in the next garret, failed to get any money, both might eat ere they slept.
As he turned into the court and began to mount the stairs, Joseph thought with an involuntary sigh of "hall" at Cambridge, the groaning tables, the generous fare, the comely and gracious life of it all.
And he had thrown it all away--for what? Just for the privilege of speaking out his thoughts, thoughts which n.o.body particularly wanted to hear.
With a sigh of exhaustion he sat down on the miserable little bed under the rafters, and stared out of the dirty window over the roofs of Whitechapel.
Had he been right, after all? Was it worth while to do as he had done, to give up all for the truth that was in him. The old spirit of revolt awoke. Yes, he had been right a thousand times! No man must act or live a lie.
But supposing it _was_ all true? Supposing there was a G.o.d after all.
Supposing that the Christ upon whom that woman had called so glibly really was the Saviour of mankind? Then--The thought fell upon his consciousness like a blow from a whip.
He leapt to his feet in something like fear.
"It"s this physical exhaustion," he said to himself aloud, trying to find an anodyne to thought in the sound of his own voice. "My brain is starved for want of blood. No one can live as I have been living and retain a sane judgment. It was because the hermits of old starved themselves in the desert that they saw visions. Yet it is odd that I, of all men, should weaken thus. I must go out into the streets again, come what may. The mind feeds upon itself and conjures up wild and foolish thoughts in a horrible little box like this."
With a heavy sigh he went slowly out of the room and down the steep stairs. Never in all his life had he felt so lost and hopeless; so alone and deserted.
Another man in his position would have called out upon G.o.d, either with mad and puny revilings in that He had forsaken him, or with a last piteous cry for help.
Joseph did not believe in G.o.d.
All his life he had lived without G.o.d. He had ignored the love of the Father and the necessity of faith in His Son Jesus Christ. The temple of his body was all empty of the Paraclete. Now he felt sure that there was no G.o.d; never had been any G.o.d; never would be any G.o.d.
He was at the darkest hour of all, and yet, with a strange nervous force, he clenched one lean hand until the shrunken muscle sprang up in coils upon the back of it, resolving that come what might he would not give in. There was no G.o.d, only a blind giant, Circ.u.mstance--well, he would fight that!
His mental att.i.tude was a curious one, curiously illogical. Keen and well-balanced as the scientific side of him was, the man--like all those who openly profess disbelief--was unable to see what might almost be called the grim humor of his att.i.tude.
"I do not believe in G.o.d!" the atheist cries, and then immediately afterwards shakes his fist at the Almighty and bids Him to do His worst!
Man challenging G.o.d! There is no more grotesque and terrible thing in human life than this.
But, as the world knows now, G.o.d had a special purpose in his dealings with this man.
All unconscious of what was to befall him, of his high destiny to come, Joseph walked aimlessly in Whitechapel, cursing in his heart the G.o.d in whom he did not believe, and yet who had already chosen him to be the centre and head of mighty issues.... A channel as we may think now....
We may well believe that each single step that Joseph took was known and regulated by unseen hands, voices which were unheard by ear or brain, but which the unconscious and sleeping soul nevertheless obeyed.
At last the Almighty spoke, and the first link in the chain of His mysterious operations was forged.
Joseph was walking slowly past a great building which was in course of erection or alteration. A network of scaffolding rose up into the smoky, dun-colored sky.
The clipping of steel chisels upon stone, the echoing noise of falling planks, the hoa.r.s.e voices of the workmen as they called to each other high up on their insecure perches, all rose above the deep diapason note of the traffic in a welter of sharply-defined sound.
Joseph stepped upon the pavement beneath the busy works. He was, he noticed, just opposite the office of the small East End newspaper for which Hampson, the poor, half-starved, but cheery little journalist did occasional jobs.
Hampson--good, kind, little Hampson! It was pleasant to think of him, and as he did so Joseph"s thoughts lost their bitterness for a moment.
Only the utterly vile can contemplate real una.s.suming goodness and unselfishness without a certain warming of the heart.
Hampson was only half educated--he had the very greatest difficulty in making a living, yet he was always bright and happy, ever illuminated by some inward joy.
Even as he thought of Hampson--almost his only friend--Joseph saw the man himself coming out of the narrow doorway. Hampson saw the scholar at once in his quick, bird-like way, and waved his hand with a significant and triumphant gesture.
There was to be dinner, then!
It was not so. The two poor friends were not to share a humble meal together on that night, at any rate.
High above Joseph"s head, two planks were being slowly hauled upwards to the topmost part of the scaffolding. They were secured by the usual halter knot round the centre. The noose, however, had slipped, as the rope was a new one, and the two heavy pieces of timber hung downwards with the securing tie perilously near the upper end.
There was a sudden shout of alarm which sent a hundred startled faces peering upwards and then the planks fell right upon the man who stood beneath, crushing him to the ground, face downwards, like a broken blade of gra.s.s.