But the old woman had planned against this day. She"d discovered the cave high above the bay, and she"d taught the sea troll"s daughter to find auk eggs and mushrooms and to hunt the goats and such other wild things as lived among the peaks and ravines bordering the glacier. The girl was bright, and had learned to make clothing and boots from the hides of her kills, and also had been taught herb lore, and much else that would be needed to survive on her own in that forbidding, barren place.
Late one night in the summer of her fourteenth year, she"d fled Invergo, and made her way to the cave. Only one man had ever been foolish enough to go looking for her, and his body was found pinned to an iceberg floating in the bay, his own sword driven through his chest to the hilt. After that, they left her alone, and soon the daughter of the sea troll was little more than legend, and a tale to frighten children. She began to believe, and to hope, that she would never again have cause to journey down the slopes to the village.
But then, as the stranger Malmury, senseless with drink, slept in the arms of a barmaid, the crone came to the sea troll"s daughter in her dreams, as the old woman had done many times before.
"Your father has been slain," she said, not bothering to temper the words. "His corpse lies desecrated and rotting in the village square, where all can come and gloat and admire the mischief of the one who killed him."
The sea troll"s daughter, whom the crone had named Saehildr, for the ocean, had been dreaming of stalking elk and a s.h.a.ggy herd of mammoth across a meadow. But the crone"s voice had startled her prey, and the dream animals had all fled across the tundra.
The sea troll"s daughter rolled over onto her back, stared up at the grizzled face of the old woman, and asked, "Should this bring me sorrow? Should I have tears, to receive such tidings? If so, I must admit it doesn"t, and I don"t. Never have I seen the face of my father, not with my waking eyes, and never has he spoken unto me, nor sought me out. I was nothing more to him than a curious consequence of his indiscretions."
"You and he lived always in different worlds," the old woman replied, but the one she called Saehildr had turned back over onto her belly and was staring forlornly at the place where the elk and mammoth had been grazing, only a few moments before.
"It is none of my concern," the sea troll"s daughter sighed, thinking she should wake soon, that then the old woman could no longer plague her thoughts. Besides, she was hungry, and she"d killed a bear only the day before.
"Saehildr," the crone said, "I"ve not come expecting you to grieve, for too well do I know your mettle. I"ve come with a warning, as the one who slew your father may yet come seeking you."
The sea troll"s daughter smiled, baring her teeth that effortlessly cracked bone that she might reach the rich marrow inside. With the hooked claws of a thumb and forefinger, she plucked the yellow blossom from an arctic poppy, and held it to her wide nostrils.
"Old mother, knowing my mettle, you should know that I am not afraid of men," she whispered, then she let the flower fall back to the ground.
"The one who slew your father was not a man, but a woman, the likes of which I"ve never seen," the crone replied. "She is a warrior, of n.o.ble birth, from the lands south of the mountains. She came to collect the bounty placed upon the troll"s head. Saehildr, this one is strong, and I fear for you."
In the dream, low clouds the color of steel raced by overhead, fat with snow, and the sea troll"s daughter lay among the flowers of the meadow and thought about the father she"d never met. Her short tail twitched from side to side, like the tail of a lazy, contented cat, and she decapitated another poppy.
"You believe this warrior will hunt me now?" she asked the crone.
"What I think, Saehildr, is that the men of Invergo have no intention of honoring their agreement to pay this woman her reward. Rather, I believe they will entice her with even greater riches, if only she will stalk and destroy the b.a.s.t.a.r.d daughter of their dispatched foe. The woman is greedy, and prideful, and I hold that she will hunt you, yes."
"Then let her come to me, old mother," the sea troll"s daughter said. "There is little enough sport to be had in these hills. Let her come into the mountains and face me."
The old woman sighed and began to break apart on the wind, like sea foam before a wave. "She"s not a fool," the crone said. "A braggart, yes, and a liar, but by her own strength and wits did she undo your father. I"d not see the same fate befall you, Saehildr. She will lay a trap."
"Oh, I know something of traps," the troll"s daughter replied, and then the dream ended. She opened her black eyes and lay awake in her freezing den, deep within the mountains. Not far from the nest of pelts that was her bed, a lantern she"d fashioned from walrus bone and blubber burned unsteadily, casting tall, writhing shadows across the basalt walls. The sea troll"s daughter lay very still, watching the flame, and praying to all the beings who"d come before the G.o.ds of men that the battle with her father"s killer would not be over too quickly.
As it happened, however, the elders of Invergo were far too preoccupied with other matters to busy themselves trying to conceive of schemes by which they might cheat Malmury of her bounty. With each pa.s.sing hour, the clam-digger"s grisly trophy became increasingly putrid, and the decision not to remove it from the village"s common square had set in motion a chain of events that would prove far more disastrous to the village than the living troll ever could have been. Moreover, Malmury was entirely too distracted by her own intoxication and with the pleasures visited upon her by the barmaid, Dota, to even recollect she had the reward coming. So, while there can be hardly any doubt that the old crone who lived at the edge of the mudflats was, in fact, both wise and clever, she had little cause to fear for Saehildr"s immediate well being.
The troll"s corpse, hauled so triumphantly from the marsh, had begun to swell in the mid-day sun, distending magnificently as the gases of decomposition built up inside its innards. Meanwhile, the flock of gulls and ravens had been joined by countless numbers of fish crows and kittiwakes, a constantly shifting, swooping, shrieking cloud that, at last, succeeded in chasing off the two sentries who"d been charged with the task of protecting the carca.s.s from scavengers. And, no longer dissuaded by the men and their jabbing sticks, the cats and dogs that had skulked all night about the edges of the common grew bold and joined in the banquet (though the cats proved more interested in seizing unwary birds than in the sour flesh of the troll). A terrific swarm of biting flies arrived only a short time later, and there were ants, as well, and voracious beetles the size of a grown man"s thumb. Crabs and less savory things made their way up from the beach. An order was posted that the citizens of Invergo should retreat to their homes and bolt all doors and windows until such time as the pandemonium could be resolved.
There was, briefly, talk of towing the body back to the salt marshes from whence it had come. But this proposal was soon dismissed as impractical and hazardous. Even if a determined crew of men dragging a litter or wagon, and armed with the requisite hooks and cables, the block and tackle, could fight their way through the seething, foraging ma.s.s of birds, cats, dogs, insects, and crustaceans, it seemed very unlikely that the corpse retained enough integrity that it could now be moved in a single piece. And just the thought of intentionally breaking it apart, tearing it open and thereby releasing whatever foul brew festered within, was enough to inspire the elders to seek some alternate route of ridding the village of the corruption and all its attendant chaos. To make matters worse, the peat levee that had been hastily stacked around the carca.s.s suddenly failed partway through the day, disgorging all the oily fluid that had built up behind it. There was now talk of pestilence, and a second order was posted, advising the villagers that all water from the pumps was no longer potable, and that the bay, too, appeared to have been contaminated. The fish market was closed, and incoming ships forbidden to offload any of the day"s catch.
And then, when the elders thought matters were surely at their worst, the alchemist"s young apprentice arrived bearing a sheaf of equations and ascertainments based upon the samples taken from the carca.s.s. In their chambers, the old men flipped through these pages for some considerable time, no one wanting to be the first to admit he didn"t actually understand what he was reading. Finally, the apprentice cleared his throat, which caused them to look up at him.
"It"s simple, really," the boy said. "You see, the various humors of the troll"s peculiar composition have been demonstrated to undergo a predictable variance during the process of putrefaction."
The elders stared back at him, seeming no less confused by his words than by the spidery handwriting on the pages spread out before them.
"To put it more plainly," the boy said, "the creature"s blood is becoming volatile. Flammable. Given significant enough concentrations, which must certainly exist by now, even explosive."
Almost in unison, the faces of the elders of Invergo went pale. One of them immediately stood and ordered the boy to fetch his master forthwith, but was duly informed that the alchemist had already fled the village. He"d packed a mule and left by the winding, narrow path that led west into the wilderness. He hoped, the apprentice told them, to observe for posterity the grandeur of the inevitable conflagration, but from a safe distance.
At once, a proclamation went out that all flames were to be extinguished, all hearths and forges and ovens, every candle and lantern, in Invergo. Not so much as a tinderbox or pipe must be left smoldering anywhere, so dire was the threat to life and property. However, most of the men dispatched to see that this proclamation was enforced, instead fled into the marshes, or towards the foothills, or across the milky blue-green bay to the far sh.o.r.e, which was reckoned to be sufficiently remote that sanctuary could be found there. The calls that rang through the streets of the village were not so much "Douse the fires," or "Mind your stray embers," as "Flee for your lives, the troll"s going to explode."
In their cot, in the small but cozy s.p.a.ce above the Cod"s Demise, Malmury and Dota had been dozing. But the commotion from outside, both the wild ruckus from the feeding scavengers and the panic that was now sweeping through the village, woke them. Malmury cursed and groped about for the jug of fine apple brandy on the floor, which Dota had pilfered from the larder. Dota lay listening to the uproar, and, being sober, began to sense that something, somewhere, somehow had gone terribly wrong, and that they might now be in very grave danger.
Dota handed the brandy to Malmury, who took a long pull from the jug and squinted at the barmaid.
"They have no intention of paying you," Dota said flatly, b.u.t.toning her blouse. "We"ve known it all along. All of us. Everyone who lives in Invergo."
Malmury blinked and rubbed at her eyes, not quite able to make sense of what she was hearing. She had another swallow from the jug, hoping the strong liquor might clear her ears.
"It was a dreadful thing we did," Dota admitted. "I know that now. You"re brave, and risked much, and "
"I"ll beat it out of them," Malmury muttered.
"That might have worked," Dota said softly, nodding her head. "Only, they don"t have it. The elders, I mean. In all Invergo"s coffers, there"s not even a quarter what they offered."
Beyond the walls of the tavern, there was a terrific crash, then, and, soon thereafter, the sound of women screaming.
"Malmury, listen to me. You stay here, and have the last of the brandy. I"ll be back very soon."
"I"ll beat it out of them," Malmury declared again, though this time with slightly less conviction.
"Yes," Dota told her. "I"m sure you will do just that. Only now, wait here. I"ll return as quickly as I can."
"b.a.s.t.a.r.ds," Malmury sneered. "b.a.s.t.a.r.ds and ingrates."
"You finish the brandy," Dota said, pointing at the jug clutched in Malmury"s hands. "It"s excellent brandy, and very expensive. Maybe not the same as gold, but..." and then the barmaid trailed off, seeing that Malmury had pa.s.sed out again. Dota dressed and hurried downstairs, leaving the stranger, who no longer seemed quite so strange, alone and naked, sprawled and snoring loudly on the cot.
In the street outside the Cod"s Demise, the barmaid was greeted by a scene of utter chaos. The reek from the rotting troll, only palpable in the tavern, was now overwhelming, and she covered her mouth and tried not to gag. Men, women, and children rushed to and fro, many burdened with bundles of valuables or food, some on horseback, others trying to drive herds of pigs or sheep through the crowd. And, yet, rising above it all, was the deafening clamor of that horde of sea birds and dogs and cats squabbling amongst themselves for a share of the troll. Off towards the docks, someone was clanging the huge bronze bell reserved for naught but the direst of catastrophes. Dota shrank back against the tavern wall, recalling the crone"s warnings and admonitions, expecting to see, any moment now, the t.i.tanic form of one of those beings who came before the G.o.ds, towering over the rooftops, striding towards her through the village.
Just then, a tinker, who frequently spent his evenings and his earnings in the tavern, stopped and seized the barmaid by both shoulders, gazing directly into her eyes.
"You must run!" he implored. "Now, this very minute, you must get away from this place!"
"But why?" Dota responded, trying to show as little of her terror as possible, trying to behave the way she imagined a woman like Malmury might behave. "What has happened?"
"It burns," the tinker said, and before she could ask him what burned, he released her and vanished into the mob. But, as if in answer to that unasked question, there came a m.u.f.fled crack, and then a boom that shook the very street beneath her boots. A roiling ma.s.s of charcoal-colored smoke shot through with glowing red-orange cinders billowed up from the direction of the livery, and Dota turned and dashed back into the Cod"s Demise.
Another explosion followed, and another, and by the time she reached the cot upstairs, dust was sifting down from the rafters of the tavern, and the roofing timbers had begun to creak alarmingly. Malmury was still asleep, oblivious to whatever cataclysm was befalling Invergo. The barmaid grabbed the bearskin blanket and wrapped it about Malmury"s shoulders, then slapped her several times, hard, until the woman"s eyelids fluttered partway open.
"Stop that," she glowered, seeming now more like an indignant girl child than the warrior who"d swum to the bottom of the bay and slain their sea troll.
"We have to go," Dota said, almost shouting to be understood above the racket. "It"s not safe here anymore, Malmury. We have to get out of Invergo."
"But I"ve done killed the poor, sorry wretch," Malmury mumbled, shivering and pulling the bearskin tighter about her. "Have you lot gone and found another?"
"Truthfully," Dota replied, "I do not know what fresh devilry this is, only that we can"t stay here. There is fire, and a roar like naval cannonade."
"I was sleeping," Malmury said petulantly. I was dreaming of "
The barmaid slapped her again, harder, and this time Malmury seized her wrist and glared blearily back at Dota. "I told you not to do that."
"Aye, and I told you to get up off your fat a.s.s and get moving." There was another explosion then, nearer than any of the others, and both women felt the floorboards shift and tilt below them. Malmury nodded, some dim comprehension wriggling its way through the brandy and wine.
"My horse is in the stable," she said. "I cannot leave without my horse. She was given me by my father."
Dota shook her head, straining to help Malmury to her feet. "I"m sorry," she said. "It"s too late. The stables are all ablaze." Then neither of them said anything more, and the barmaid led the stranger down the swaying stairs and through the tavern and out into the burning village.
From a rocky crag high above Invergo, the sea troll"s daughter watched as the town burned. Even at this distance and alt.i.tude, the earth shuddered with the force of each successive detonation. Loose stones were shaken free of the talus and rolled away down the steep slope. The sky was sooty with smoke, and beneath the pall, everything glowed from the h.e.l.lish light of the flames.
And, too, she watched the progress of those who"d managed to escape the fire. Most fled westward, across the mudflats, but some had filled the hulls of doggers and dories and ventured out into the bay. She"d seen one of the little boats lurch to starboard and capsize, and was surprised at how many of those it spilled into the icy cove reached the other sh.o.r.e. But of all these refugees, only two had headed south, into the hills, choosing the treacherous pa.s.s that led up towards the glacier and the basalt mountains that flanked it. The daughter of the sea troll watched their progress with an especial fascination. One of them appeared to be unconscious and was slung across the back of a mule, and the other, a woman with hair the color of the sun, held tight to the mule"s reins and urged it forward. With every new explosion, the animal bucked and brayed and struggled against her; once or twice, they almost went over the edge, all three of them. By the time they gained the wider ledge where Saehildr crouched, the sun was setting and nothing much remained intact of Invergo, nothing that hadn"t been touched by the devouring fire.
The sun-haired woman lashed the reigns securely to a boulder, then sat down in the rubble. She was trembling, and it was clear she"d not had time to dress with an eye towards the cold breath of the mountains. There was a heavy belt cinched about her waist, and from it hung a sheathed dagger. The sea troll"s daughter noted the blade, then turned her attention to the mule and its burden. She could see now that the person slung over the animal"s back was also a woman, unconscious and partially covered with a moth-eaten bearskin. Her long black hair hung down almost to the muddy ground.
Invisible from her hiding place in the scree, Saehildr asked, "Is the b.i.t.c.h dead, your companion?"
Without raising her head, the sun-haired woman replied. "Now, why would I have bothered to drag a dead woman all the way up here?"
"Perhaps she is dear to you," the daughter of the sea troll replied. "It may be you did not wish to see her corpse go to ash with the others."
"She"s not a corpse," the woman said. "Not yet, anyway." And as if to corroborate the claim, the body draped across the mule farted loudly and then muttered a few unintelligible words.
"Your sister?" the daughter of the sea troll asked, and when the sun-haired woman told her no, Saehildr said, "She seems far too young to be your mother."
"She"s not my mother. She"s...a friend. More than that, she"s a hero."
The sea troll"s daughter licked at her lips, then glanced back to the inferno by the bay. "A hero," she said, almost too softly to be heard.
"Well, that"s the way it started," the sun-haired woman said, her teeth chattering so badly she was having trouble speaking. "She came here from a kingdom beyond the mountains, and, single handedly, she slew the fiend that haunted the bay. But "
" then the fire came," Saehildr said, and, with that, she stood, revealing herself to the woman. "My father"s fire, the wrath of the Old Ones, unleashed by the blade there on your hip."
The woman stared at the sea troll"s daughter, her eyes filling with wonder and fear and confusion, with panic. Her mouth opened, as though she meant to say something or to scream, but she uttered not a sound. Her hand drifted towards the dagger"s hilt.
"That, my lady, would be a very poor idea," Saehildr said calmly. Taller by a head than even the tallest of tall men, she stood looking down at the shivering woman, and her skin glinted oddly in the half light. "Why do you think I mean you harm?"
"You," the woman stammered. "You"re the troll"s whelp. I have heard the tales. The old witch is your mother."
Saehildr made an ugly, derisive noise that was partly a laugh. "Is that how they tell it these days, that Gunna is my mother?"
The sun-haired woman only nodded once and stared at the rocks.
"My mother is dead," the troll"s daughter said, moving nearer, causing the mule to bray and tug at its reigns. "And now, it seems, my father has joined her."
"I cannot let you harm her," the woman said, risking a quick sidewise glance at Saehildr. The daughter of the sea troll laughed again, and dipped her head, almost seeming to bow. The distant firelight reflected off the small curved horns on either side of her head, hardly more than nubs and mostly hidden by her thick hair, and shone off the scales dappling her cheekbones and brow, as well.
"What you mean to say, is that you would have to try to prevent me from harming her."
"Yes," the sun-haired woman replied, and now she glanced nervously towards the mule and her unconscious companion.
"If, of course, I intended her harm."
"Are you saying that you don"t?" the woman asked. "That you do not desire vengeance for your father"s death?"
Saehildr licked her lips again, then stepped past the seated woman to stand above the mule. The animal rolled its eyes, neighed horribly, and kicked at the air, almost dislodging its load. But then the sea troll"s daughter gently laid a hand on its rump, and immediately the beast grew calm and silent once more. Saehildr leaned forward and grasped the unconscious woman"s chin, lifting it, wishing to know the face of the one who"d defeated the brute who"d raped her mother and made of his daughter so shunned and misshapen a thing.
"This one is drunk," Saehildr said, sniffing the air.
"Very much so," the sun-haired woman replied.
"A drunkard slew the troll?"
"She was sober that day. I think."
Saehildr snorted and said, "Know that there was no bond but blood between my father and I. Hence, what need have I to seek vengeance upon his executioner? Though, I will confess, I"d hoped she might bring me some measure of sport. But even that seems unlikely in her current state." She released the sleeping woman"s jaw, letting it b.u.mp roughly against the mule"s ribs, and stood upright again. "No, I think you need not fear for your lover"s life. Not this day. Besides, hasn"t the utter destruction of your village counted as a more appropriate reprisal?"
The sun-haired woman blinked, and said, "Why do you say that, that she"s my lover?"
"Liquor is not the only stink on her," answered the sea troll"s daughter. "Now, deny the truth of this, my lady, and I may yet grow angry."
The woman from doomed Invergo didn"t reply, but only sighed and continued staring into the gravel at her feet.
"This one is practically naked," Saehildr said. "And you"re not much better. You"ll freeze, the both of you, before morning."
"There was no time to find proper clothes," the woman protested, and the wind shifted then, bringing with it the cloying reek of the burning village.
"Not very much farther along this path, you"ll come to a small cave," the sea troll"s daughter said. "I will find you there, tonight, and bring what furs and provisions I can spare. Enough, perhaps, that you may yet have some slim chance of making your way through the mountains."
"I don"t understand," Dota said, exhausted and near tears, and when the troll"s daughter made no response, the barmaid discovered that she and the mule and Malmury were alone on the mountain ledge. She"d not heard the demon take its leave, so maybe the stories were true, and it could become a fog and float away whenever it so pleased. Dota sat a moment longer, watching the raging fire spread out far below them. And then she got to her feet, took up the mule"s reins, and began searching for the shelter that the troll"s daughter had promised her she would discover. She did not spare a thought for the people of Invergo, not for her lost family, and not even for the kindly old man who"d owned the Cod"s Demise and had taken her in off the streets when she was hardly more than a babe. They were the past, and the past would keep neither her nor Malmury alive.
Twice, she lost her way among the boulders, and by the time Dota stumbled upon the cave, a heavy snow had begun to fall, large wet flakes spiraling down from the darkness. But it was warm inside, out of the howling wind. And, what"s more, she found bundles of wolf and bear pelts, seal skins and mammoth hide, some sewn together into st.u.r.dy garments. And there was salted meat, a few potatoes, and a freshly killed rabbit spitted and roasting above a small cooking fire. She would never again set eyes on the sea troll"s daughter, but in the long days ahead, as Dota and the stranger named Malmury made their way through blizzards and across fields of ice, she would often sense someone nearby, watching over them. Or only watching.
Random Thoughts Before a Fatal Crash 15/7/98.
No one here seems to mind very much that my French is atrocious. I begin to suspect it isn"t true, what everyone says about how Parisians sneer at and disdain and show contempt for Americans who mangle their language. Or I"ve been lucky. Or. Or, I don"t know. From my window, there"s an excellent view of Le Cimetiere du Montparna.s.se, which I read in a guidebook was once Le Cimetiere du Sud. All those white-stone monumented narrow houses, and the low conical tower, as if the dead need a lighthouse or castle keep or what have you. I read, too, stone from nearby quarries was heaped here into a spoil pile, and in the Seventeenth Century the area, before it was a boneyard, become known as Mount Parna.s.se: Tho" their music here be mortal need the singer greatly care? Other songs for other worlds! the fire within him would not falter... The stone, that rubble pile of yore before the coming of Le Cimetiere du Montparna.s.se, I believe to be hewn from out limestone beds sixty, seventy-five feet down below our feet. Stone that was seafloor ooze in Tertiary ages (?). The underground quarries are still there, below the feet in France. I"ve spent days walking between the rows. Days and days and days. We cannot walk there after dark, not in the summer, which is a shame, and perhaps some odd desecration. In my little black book, I write the names of the moldering interred (but there are yet many whom I have not visited). These I have: Baudelaire, Carriere, de Maupa.s.sant, Robert Desnos, Beckett, cherished St. Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, Man Ray. At Sartre Satyr Saint"s grave I leave tokens: coins, stones, a battered first-edition of L"age de raison I scrounged from 37 rue de la Bucherie, Shakespeare and Company. A bouquet of flowers for Mlle. de Beauvoir I stole from Queen Kiki de Montparna.s.se, and I think she"ll never miss the bundle of wilted roses and bracken.
The old woman who lives across the hall asked if I find inspiration here. She knows enough English that we can converse in her broken English and not my broken French. She has false teeth and once was a singer. She takes pity on me, so I show her canvases I can"t finish. She brings bread and cheese sometimes, and I share wine. Je partage mon vin. I believe that"s not too far off the mark. We talk books and art and politics. We talk. I talk and she is kind enough to listen. Her hair is akin to wild grey moss, and she sometimes forgets to wear her teeth. Her eyes are the eyes of a young girl, and the color of agate. She says her name is Dorothee Lefbevre, though I suspect she"s lying. Cannot say why. It hardly matters what she calls herself. Says she was born in 1917, and talks about the wars. I asked her, twice, to sit for me; each time she blushed and declined. We talk of aqueducts and crypts below churches. She doesn"t shy at morbidity. Perhaps we"ll make great friends, Dorothee Lefbevre and I.
In the mirror where I shave, my skin has looked better. It all catches up with me, though I thought that would be later rather than sooner. All men must think that, yes? Delusions of immortality. Something of the sort. Wrinkles and grey hair. Teeth not what once they were, nor as numerous; eyes dim and bloodshot the way you know they"ll never be clear again.
Today I sit and stare at the canvas, the bird-headed demon gazing down upon all the world, gazing down in derision and indifference, doing the both simultaneously. I mix paint, and it dries before I commit a single brushstroke. I hate this one. I loathe it, but it will mean a check. Hence, I will trudge on to the muddy end. I sometimes fall asleep in my chair before the easel, which I never used to do. Or cannot recall having done. I should be out walking the streets, not sleeping in a chair before a ruined canvas. I"ve seen precious little of the precious city.
I hear rumors of cataphiles, men and women who explore the ancient abscesses, sewers, les ossuaires, the galleries of forgotten Twelfth-Century quarries (carrieres), subterranean lakes, and on and on. I should not be sitting here with this acrylic dead-end. There is nothing here to learn. I swear again I would cease these paintings if I had that option. I swear again they eat at my mind and soul and body, pick me apart like ravens, and I would have nothing more of them. Idiots talk of muses and inspiration, naive words from lips of starry-eyed fools who see romance where there is little more than monotony and humiliation. When I am interviewed, I ought to say these things, but I never do; my agent holds his thumb across my throat, pressing down on my tongue. Buyers like to believe the artist labors in the joy of creation, not in despair. Not always wanting out, and ever willing to seek new manners of egress. They the buyers should sit dozing in my hard chair, prostrate in sleep before this hideous abortion of a painting, the ibis-crowned monster plucked from...from...I do not know where, but here it is all the same, isn"t it. I ought to set it aside, at least for a few days, if only to spite the market and my agent and the galleries back in the States or London.
I should be in the museums Musee national d"art moderne, Museum national d"Histoire naturelle, Musee d"Art Moderne de la Ville de Paris, id est. I should leave the city and take the train to Gevaudan (now, of course, Lozere. Haute-Loire), as I planned. It may be that Dorothee would accompany me, if I paid her fare. I did ask if she knows the story of La Bete du Gevaudan; she did, she does. She was surprisingly well versed in the tales. Or I was surprised at her knowledge, and the one thing might not equate to the other. She has traveled the Margeride. In her youth. In some facet of her youth, all those many decades past. I will ask her perhaps. Or I will stare down this painting. In truth, je m"en fou, as she would say. I should seek out the deep-delving troglodytic cataphiles and ask them to lead me down to all the private Hades. I should find the tomb of Henri Fantin-Latour and leave dead flowers (fleurs mortes?). I should seek out a street where pretty boys sell themselves and lose myself in flesh, theirs and mine.
17/7/98.