She put a hand between my legs and found I was already wet.
I licked at my chapped lips, fumbling for words that wouldn"t come. Maybe I didn"t know what she was getting at, this gift, but I had a feeling I didn"t want any part of it, no matter how exquisite it might be. I knew these things, clear as day, but I was lost in the beauty of her, and whatever protests I might have uttered, they were about as sincere as ol" Brer Rabbit begging Brer Fox not to throw him into that briar patch. I could say I was bewitched, but it would be a lie.
She mounted me then, and I didn"t argue.
"What happens now?" I asked.
"Now I f.u.c.k you," she replied. "Then I"m going to talk to my grandmother." And, with that, the world fell out from beneath me again. And the ginger-skinned eunuch moved along to the next tableau, that next set of memories I couldn"t recollect on my own...
...Stars were tumbling from the skies. Not a few stray shooting stars here and there. No, all the stars were falling. One by one, at first, and then the sky was raining pitchforks, only it wasn"t rain, see. It was light. The whole sorry world was being born or was dying, and I saw it didn"t much matter which. Go back far enough, or far enough forward, the past and future wind up holding hands, cozy as a couple of lovebirds. Ellen had thrown open a doorway, and she"d dragged me along for the ride. I was so cold. I couldn"t understand how there could be that much fire in the sky, and me still be freezing my t.i.ts off like that. I lay there shivering as the brittle heavens collapsed. I could feel her inside me. I could feel it inside me, and same as I"d been lost in Ellen"s beauty, I was being smothered by that ecstasy. And then...then the eunuch showed me the gift, which I"d forgotten...and which I would immediately forget again.
How do you write about something, when all that remains of it is the faintest of impressions of glory? When all you can bring to mind is the empty place where a memory ought to be and isn"t, and only that conspicuous absence is there to remind you of what cannot ever be recalled? Strain as you might, all that effort hardly adds up to a trip for biscuits. So, how do you write it down? You don"t, that"s how. You do your d.a.m.nedest to think about what came next, instead, knowing your sanity hangs in the balance.
So, here"s what came after the gift, since le G.o.demichet maudit is a G.o.dd.a.m.n Indian giver if ever one were born. Here"s the curse that rides shotgun on the gift, as impossible to obliterate from reminiscence as the other is to awaken.
There were falling stars, and that unendurable cold...and then the empty, aching socket to mark the countermanded gift...and then I saw the unicorn. I don"t mean the dingus. I mean the living creature, standing in a glade of cedars, bathed in clean sunlight and radiating a light all it"s own. It didn"t look much like what you see in story books or those medieval tapestries they got hanging in the Cloisters. It also didn"t look much like the beast carved into the lid of Fong"s wooden box. But I knew what it was, all the same.
A naked girl stood before it, and the unicorn kneeled at her feet. She sat down, and it rested its head on her lap. She whispered rea.s.surances I couldn"t hear, because they were spoken as softly as falling snow. And then she offered the unicorn one of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, and I watched as it suckled. This scene of chast.i.ty and absolute peace lasted maybe a minute, maybe two, before the trap was sprung and the hunters stepped out from the shadows of the cedar boughs. They killed the unicorn, with cold iron lances and swords, but first the unicorn killed the virgin who"d betrayed it to its doom...
...and Harpootlian"s ginger eunuch turned another page (a ham-fisted a.n.a.logy if ever there were one, but it works for me), and we were back in the black room. Ellen and me. Only two of the candles were still burning, two guttering, half-hearted counterpoints to all that darkness. The other three had been snuffed out by a sudden gust of wind that had smelled of rust, sulfur, and slaughterhouse floors. I could hear Ellen crying, weeping somewhere in the darkness beyond the candles and the periphery of her protective circle. I rolled over onto my right side, still shivering, still so cold I couldn"t imagine being warm ever again. I stared into the black, blinking and dimly amazed that my eyelids hadn"t frozen shut. Then something snapped into focus, and there she was, cowering on her hands and knees, a tattered rag of a woman lost in the gloom. I could see her stunted, twitching tail, hardly as long as my middle finger, and the thing from the box was still strapped to her crotch. Only now it had a twin, clutched tightly in her left hand.
I think I must have asked her what the h.e.l.l she"d done, though I had a pretty good idea. She turned towards me, and her eyes...well, you see that sort of pain, and you spend the rest of your life trying to forget you saw it.
"I didn"t understand," she said, still sobbing. "I didn"t understand she"d take so much of me away."
A bitter wave of conflicting, irreconcilable emotion surged and boiled about inside me. Yeah, I knew what she"d done to me, and I knew I"d been used for something unspeakable. I knew violation was too tame a word for it, and that I"d been marked forever by this gold-digging half-breed of a twist. And part of me was determined to drag her kicking and screaming to Harpootlian. Or f.u.c.k it, I could kill her myself, and take my own sweet time doing so. I could kill her the way the hunters had murdered the unicorn. But on the other hand the woman I saw lying there before me was shattered almost beyond recognition. There"d been a steep price for her trespa.s.s, and she"d paid it and then some. Besides, I was learning fast that when you"ve been to Hades" doorstep with someone, and the two of you"ve made it back more or less alive, there"s a bond, whether you want it or not. So, there we were, a cheap, latter-day parody of Orpheus and Eurydice, and all I could think about was holding her, tight as I could, until she stopped crying and I was warm again.
"She took so much," Ellen whispered. I didn"t ask what her grandmother had taken. Maybe it was a slice of her soul, or maybe a sc.r.a.p of her humanity. Maybe it was the memory of the happiest day of her life, or the ability to taste her favorite food. It didn"t seem to matter. It was gone, and she"d never get it back. I reached for her, too cold and too sick to speak, but sharing her hurt and needing to offer my hollow consolation, stretching out to touch...
...and the eunuch said, "Madam wishes to speak with you now," and that"s when I realized the parade down memory lane was over. I was back at Harpootlian"s, and there was a clock somewhere chiming down to three a.m., the dead hour. I could feel the nasty welt the stingers had left at the base of my skull and underneath my jaw, and I still hadn"t shaken off the hangover from that tainted shot of rye whiskey. But above and underneath and all about these mundane discomforts was a far more egregious pang, a portrait of that guileless white beast cut down and its blood spurting from gaping wounds. Still, I did manage to get myself upright without puking. Sure, I gagged once or twice, but I didn"t puke. I pride myself on that. I sat with my head cradled in my hands, waiting for the room to stop tilting and sliding around like I"d gone for a spin on the Coney Island Wonder Wheel.
"Soon, you"ll feel better, Miss Beaumont."
"Says you," I replied. "Anyway, give me a half a f.u.c.king minute, will you please? Surely your employer isn"t gonna cast a kitten if you let me get my bearings first, not after the work over you just gave me. Not after "
"I will remind you, her patience is not infinite," the ginger demon said firmly, and then it clicked its long claws together.
"Yeah?" I asked. "Well, who the h.e.l.l"s is?" But I"d gotten the message, plain and clear. The gloves were off, and whatever forbearance Auntie H might have granted me in the past, it was spent, and now I was living on the installment plan. I took a deep breath and struggled to my feet. At least the eunuch didn"t try to lend a hand.
I can"t say for certain when Yeksabet Harpootlian set up shop in Manhattan, but I have it on good faith that Magdalena Szabo was here first. And anyone who knows her onions knows the two of them have been at each other"s throats since the day Auntie H decided to claim a slice of the action for herself. Now, you"d think there"d be plenty enough of the h.e.l.lion c.o.c.k-and-tail trade to go around, what with all the netherworlders who call the Five Boroughs their home away from home. And likely as not you"d be right. Just don"t try telling that to Szabo or Auntie H. Sure, they"ve each got their elite stable of "girls and boys," and they both have more customers than they know what to do with. Doesn"t stop them from spending every waking hour looking for a way to banish the other once and for all or at least find the unholy grail of compet.i.tive advantages.
Now, by the time the ginger-skinned eunuch led me through the chaos of Auntie H"s stately pleasure dome, far below the subways and sewers and tenements of the Lower East Side, I already had a pretty good idea the dingus from Jimmy Fong"s shiny box was meant to be Harpootlian"s trump card. Only, here was Ellen Andrews, this mutt of a courier gumming up the works, playing fast and loose with the loving cup. And here was me, stuck smack in the middle, the unwilling stooge in her double-cross.
As I followed the eunuch down the winding corridor that ended in Auntie H"s grand salon, we pa.s.sed doorway after doorway, all of them opening onto scenes of inhuman pa.s.sion and madness, the most odious of perversions, and tortures that make short work of merely mortal flesh. It would be disingenuous to say I looked away. After all, this wasn"t my first time. Here were the hinterlands of wanton physical delight and agony, where the two become indistinguishable in a rapturous Totentanz. Here were spectacles to remind me how Dore and Hieronymus Bosch never even came close, and all of it laid bare for the eyes of any pa.s.sing voyeur. You see, there are no locked doors to be found at Madam Harpootlian"s. There are no doors at all.
"It"s a busy night," the eunuch said, though it looked like business as usual to me.
"Sure," I muttered. "You"d think the Shriners were in town. You"d think Mayor La Guardia himself had come down off his high horse to raise a little h.e.l.l."
And then we reached the end of the hallway, and I was shown into the mirrored chamber where Auntie H holds court. The eunuch told me to wait, then left me alone. I"d never seen the place so empty. There was no sign of the usual retinue of rogues, ghouls, and archfiends, only all those G.o.dd.a.m.n mirrors, because no one looks directly at Madam Harpootlian and lives to tell the tale. I chose a particularly fancy looking gla.s.s, maybe ten feet high and held inside an elaborate gilded frame. When Harpootlian spoke up, the mirror rippled like it was only water, and my reflection rippled with it.
"Good evening, Natalie," she said. "I trust you"ve been treated well?"
"You won"t hear any complaints outta me," I replied. "I always say, the Waldorf-Astoria"s got nothing on you."
She laughed then, or something that we"ll call laughter for the sake of convenience.
"A crying shame we"re not meeting under more amicable circ.u.mstances. Were it not for this unpleasantness with Miss Andrews, I"d offer you something on the house, of course."
"Maybe another time," I said.
"So, you know why you"re here?"
"Sure," I said. "The dingus I took off the dead Chinaman. The salami with the fancy French name."
"It has many names, Natalie. Karkadann"s Brow, El consolador sangriento, the Horn of Malta "
"Le G.o.demichet maudit," I said. "Ellen"s c.o.c.k."
Harpootlian grunted, and her reflection made an ugly dismissive gesture. "It is nothing of Miss Andrews. It is mine, bought and paid for. With the sweat of my own brow did I track down the spoils of al-Jaldaki"s long search. It"s my investment, one purchased with so grievous a forfeiture this quadroon mongrel could not begin to appreciate the severity of her crime. But you, Natalie, you know, don"t you? You"ve been privy to the wonders of Solomon"s talisman, so I think, maybe, you are cognizant of my loss."
"I can"t exactly say what I"m cognizant of," I told her, doing my best to stand up straight and not flinch or look away. "I saw the murder of a creature I didn"t even believe in yesterday morning. That was sort of an eye opener, I"ll grant you. And then there"s the part I can"t seem to conjure up, even after golden boy did that swell Roto-Rooter number on my head."
"Yes. Well, that"s the catch," she said and smiled. There"s no shame in saying I looked away then. Even in a mirror, the smile of Yeksabet Harpootlian isn"t something you want to see straight on.
"Isn"t there always a catch?" I asked, and she chuckled.
"True, it"s a fleeting boon," she purled. "The gift comes, and then it goes, and no one may ever remember it. But always, always they will long for it again, even hobbled by that ignorance."
"You"ve lost me, Auntie," I said, and she grunted again. That"s when I told her I wouldn"t take it as an insult to my intelligence or expertise if she laid her cards on the table and spelled it out plain and simple, like she was talking to a woman who didn"t regularly have tea and crumpets with the d.a.m.ned. She mumbled something to the effect that maybe she gave me too much credit, and I didn"t disagree.
"Consider," she said, "what it is, a unicorn. It is the incarnation of purity, an avatar of innocence. And here is the power of the talisman, for that state of grace which soon pa.s.ses from us each and every one is forever locked inside the horn, the horn become the phallus. And in the instant that it brought you, Natalie, to o.r.g.a.s.m, you knew again that innocence, the bliss of a child before it suffers corruption."
I didn"t interrupt her, but all at once I got the gist.
"Still, you are only a mortal woman, so what negligible, insignificant sins could you have possibly committed during your short life? Likewise, whatever calamities and wrongs have been visited upon your flesh or your soul, they are trifles. But if you survived the war in Paradise, if you refused the yoke and so are counted among the exiles, then you"ve persisted down all the long eons. You were already broken and despoiled billions of years before the coming of man. And your transgressions outnumber the stars.
"Now," she asked, "what would you pay, were you so cursed, to know even one fleeting moment of that stainless, former existence?"
Starting to feel sick to my stomach all over again, I said, "More to the point, if I always forgot it, immediately, but it left this emptiness I feel "
"You would come back," Auntie H smirked. "You would come back again and again and again, because there would be no satiating that void, and always would you hope that maybe this time it would take and you might keep the memories of that former immaculate condition."
"Which makes it priceless, no matter what you paid."
"Precisely. And now Miss Andrews has forged a copy an identical copy, actually meaning to sell one to me, and one to Magdalena Szabo. That"s where Miss Andrews is now."
"Did you tell her she could hex me?"
"I would never do such a thing, Natalie. You"re much too valuable to me."
"But you think I had something to do with Ellen"s mystical little counterfeit scheme."
"Technically, you did. The ritual of division required a supplicant, someone to receive the gift granted by the Unicorn, before the summoning of a succubus mighty enough to affect such a difficult twinning."
"So maybe, instead of sitting here b.u.mping gums with me, you should send one of your torpedoes after her. And, while we"re on the subject of how you pick your little henchmen, maybe "
"Natalie," snarled Auntie H from someplace not far behind me. "Have I failed to make myself understood? Might it be I need to raise my voice?" The floor rumbled, and tiny hairline cracks began to crisscross the surface of the looking gla.s.s. I shut my eyes.
"No," I told her. "I get it. It"s a grift, and you"re out for blood. But you know she used me. Your lackey, it had a good, long look around my upper story, right, and there"s no way you can think I was trying to con you."
For a dozen or so heartbeats, she didn"t answer me, and the mirrored room was still and silent, save all the moans and screaming leaking in through the walls. I could smell my own sour sweat, and it was making me sick to my stomach.
"There are some grey areas," she said finally. "Matters of sentiment and l.u.s.t, a certain reluctant infatuation, even."
I opened my eyes and forced myself to gaze directly into that mirror, at the abomination crouched on its writhing throne. And all at once, I"d had enough, enough of Ellen Andrews and her dingus, enough of the cloak-and-dagger bulls.h.i.t, and definitely enough kowtowing to the monsters.
"For f.u.c.k"s sake," I said, "I only just met the woman this afternoon. She drugs and rapes me, and you think that means she"s my sheba?"
"Like I told you, I think there are grey areas," Auntie H replied. She grinned, and I looked away again.
"Fine. You tell me what it"s gonna take to make this right with you, and I"ll do it."
"Always so eager to please," Auntie H laughed, and the mirror in front of me rippled. "But, since you"ve asked, and as I do not doubt your present sincerity, I will tell you. I want her dead, Natalie. Kill her, and all will be...forgiven."
"Sure," I said, because what the h.e.l.l else was I going to say. "But if she"s with Szabo "
"I have spoken already with Magdalena Szabo, and we have agreed to set aside our differences long enough to deal with Miss Andrews. After all, she has attempted to cheat us both, in equal measure."
"How do I find her?"
"You"re a resourceful young lady, Natalie," she said. "I have faith in you. Now...if you will excuse me," and, before I could get in another word, the mirrored room dissolved around me. There was a flash, not of light, but a flash of the deepest abyssal darkness, and I found myself back at the Yellow Dragon, watching through the bookshop"s grimy windows as the sun rose over the Bowery.
There you go, the dope on just how it is I found myself holding a gun on Ellen Andrews, and just how it is she found herself wondering if I was angry enough or scared enough or desperate enough to pull the trigger. And like I said, I chambered a round, but she just stood there. She didn"t even flinch.
"I wanted to give you a gift, Nat," she said.
"Even if I believed that and I don"t all I got to show for this gift of yours is a nagging yen for something I"m never going to get back. We lose our innocence, it stays lost. That"s the way it works. So, all I got from you, Ellen, is a thirst can"t ever be slaked. That and Harpootlian figuring me for a clip artist."
She looked hard at the gun, then looked harder at me.
"So what? You thought I was gonna plead for my life? You thought maybe I was gonna get down on my knees for you and beg? Is that how you like it? Maybe you"re just steamed cause I was on top "
"Shut up, Ellen. You don"t get to talk yourself out of this mess. It"s a done deal. You tried to give Auntie H the high hat."
"And you honestly think she"s on the level? You think you pop me and she lets you off the hook, like nothing happened?"
"I do," I said. And maybe it wasn"t as simple as that, but I wasn"t exactly lying, either. I needed to believe Harpootlian, the same way old women need to believe in the infinite compa.s.sion of the little baby Jesus and Mother Mary. Same way poor kids need to believe in the inexplicable generosity of Popeye the Sailor and Santa Claus.
"It didn"t have to be this way," she said.
"I didn"t dig your grave, Ellen. I"m just the sap left holding the shovel."
And she smiled that smug smile of hers, and said, "I get it now, what Auntie H sees in you. And it"s not your knack for finding s.h.i.t that doesn"t want to be found. It"s not that at all."
"Is this a guessing game," I asked, "or do you have something to say?"
"No, I think I"m finished," she replied. "In fact, I think I"m done for. So let"s get this over with. By the way, how many women have you killed?"
"You played me," I said again.
"Takes two to make a sucker, Nat," she smiled.
Me, I don"t even remember pulling the trigger. Just the sound of the gunshot, louder than thunder.
One Tree Hill (The World as Cataclysm) I am dreaming. Or I am awake.
I"ve long since ceased to care, as I"ve long since ceased to believe it matters which. Dreaming or awake, my perceptions of the hill and the tree and what little remains of the house on the hill are the same. More importantly, more perspicuously, my perceptions of the hill and the house and the tree are the same. Or, as this admittedly is belief, so open to debate, I cannot imagine it would matter whether I am dreaming or awake. And this observation is as good a place to begin as any.
I am told in the village that the tree was struck by lightning at, or just after, sunset on St. Crispin"s Day, eleven years ago. I am told in the village that no thunderstorm accompanied the lightning strike, that the October sky was clear and dappled with stars. The Village. It has a name, though I prefer to think, and refer, to it simply as The Village. Nestled snugly some would say claustrophobically between the steep foothills of New Hampshire"s White Mountains, within what geographers name the Sandwich Range, and a deep lake the villagers call Witalema. On my maps, the lake has no name at all. A librarian in The Village told me that Witalema was derived from the language of the Abenakis, from the word gwitaalema, which, she said, may be roughly translated as "to fear someone." I"ve found nothing in any book or anywhere online that refutes her claim, though I have also found nothing to confirm it. So, I will always think of that lake and its black, still waters as Lake Witalema, and choose not to speculate on why its name means "to fear someone." I found more than enough to fear on the aforementioned lightning-struck hill.
There is a single, nameless cemetery in The Village, located within a stone"s throw of the lake. The oldest headstone I have found there dates back to 1674. That is, the man buried in the plot died in 1674. He was a born in 1645. The headstone reads Ye blooming Youth who ee this Stone/Learn early Death may be your own. It seems oddly random to me that only the word see makes use of the Latin s. In stray moments I have wondered what the dead man might have een to warrant this peculiarity of the inscription, or if it is merely an engravers mistake that was not corrected and so has survived these past three hundred and thirty-eight years. I dislike the cemetery, perhaps because of its nearness to the lake, and so I have only visited it once. Usually, I find comfort in graveyards, and I have a large collection of rubbings taken from gravestones in New England.
But why, I ask myself, do I shy from this one cemetery, and possibly only because of its closeness to Lake Witalema, when I returned repeatedly to the hill and the tree and what little remains of the house on the hill? It isn"t a question I can answer; I doubt I will ever be able to answer it. I only know that what I have seen on that hilltop is far more dreadful than anything the lake could ever have to show me.
I am climbing the hill, and I am awake, or I am asleep.
I"m thinking about the lightning strike on St. Crispin"s Day, lightning from a clear night sky, and I"m thinking of the fire that consumed the house and left the tree a gnarled charcoal crook. Also, my mind wanders probably defensively to the Vatican"s decision that too little evidence can be found to prove the existence of either of the twin brothers, St. Crispin and St. Crispinian, and how they survived their first close call with martyrdom, after being tossed into a river with millstones tied about their necks, only to be beheaded, finally, by decree of Rictus Barus. Climbing up that hill, pondering obscure Catholic saints who may not ever have lived, it occurs to me I may read too much. Or only read too much into what I read. I pause to catch my breath, and I glance up at the sky. Today there are clouds, unlike the night the lightning came. If the villagers are to be believed, of course. And given the nature of what sits atop the hill, the freak strike that night seems not so miraculous. The clouds seem to promise rain, and I"ll probably be soaking wet by the time I get back to my room in the rundown motel on the outskirts of The Village. Far away, towards what my tattered topographic map calls Mount Pa.s.saconaway, there is the low rumble of thunder (Pa.s.saconaway is another Indian name, from the Pennacook, a tribe closely related to the Abenakis, but I have no idea whatsoever what the word might mean). The trail is steep here, winding between spruce and pine, oaks, poplars, and red maples. I imagine the maple leaves must appear to catch fire in the autumn. Catch fire or bleed. The hill always turns my thoughts morbid, a mood that is not typical of my nature. Reading this, one might think otherwise, but that doesn"t change the truth of it. Having caught my breath, I continue up the narrow, winding path, hoping to reach the summit before the storm catches up with me. Weathered granite crunches beneath my boots.
"Were I you," said the old man who runs The Village"s only pharmacy, "I"d stay clear of that hill. No fit place to go wandering about. Not after..." And then he trailed off and went back to ringing up my purchase on the antique cash register.
"...the lightning came," I said, finishing his statement. "After the fire."
He glared at me and made an exasperated, disapproving sound.
"You ain"t from around here, I know, and whatever you"ve heard, I"m guessing you"ve written it off as Swamp Yankee superst.i.tion."
"I have a more open mind than you think," I told him.
"Maybe that"s so. Maybe it ain"t," he groused and looked for the price on a can of pears in heavy syrup. "Either way, I guess I"ve said my peace. No fit place, that hill, and you"d do well to listen."
But I might have only dreamt that conversation, as I might have dreamt the graveyard on the banks of Lake Witalema, and the headstone of a man who died in 1674, and the twisted, charred tree, and...
It doesn"t matter.
I live in The City, a safe century of miles south and east of The Village. When I have work, I am a science journalist. When I do not, I am an unemployed science journalist who tries to stay busy by blogging what I would normally sell for whatever pittance is being offered. Would that I had become a political pundit or a war correspondent. But I didn"t. I have no interest or ac.u.men for politics or bullets. I wait on phone calls, on jobs from a vanishing stable of newspapers and magazines, on work from this or that website. I wait. My apartment is very small, even by the standards of The City, and only just affordable on my budget. Or lack thereof. Four cramped rooms in the attic of a brownstone that was built when the neighborhood was much younger, overlooking narrow streets crowded with upscale boutiques and restaurants that charge an arm and a leg for a sparkling green bottle of S. Pellagrino. I can watch wealthy men and women walk their s.h.i.tty little dogs.
I have a few bookshelves, crammed with reference material on subjects ranging from cosmology to quantum physics, virology to paleontology. My coffee table, floor, desk, and almost every other conceivable surface are piled high with back issues of Science and Physical Review Letters and Nature and...you get the picture. That hypothetical you, who may or may not be reading this. I"m making no a.s.sumptions. I have my framed diplomas from MIT and Yale on the wall above my desk, though they only serve to remind me that whatever promise I might once have possessed has gone unrealized. And that I"ll never pay off the student loans that supplemented my meager scholarships. I try, on occasion, to be proud of those pieces of paper and their gold seals, but I rarely turn that trick.