"h.e.l.l," Charlie sighs, still tugging at his mustache. "I"d be concerned, Dora, if he weren"t dubious. I"ve always thought myself a rational man. That"s been a source of pride to me, out here among the savages and them that"s just plain ignorant and don"t know no better. But now, after this business "
"Yeah, well, so how about we stop the clucking and get to it," Dora cuts in, and Charlie McNamara frowns at her. But then he stops fussing with his whiskers and nods again.
"Yeah," he says. "Guess I"m just stalling. Doesn"t precisely fill me with joy, the thought of seeing her again. If you"ll just follow me, Jeremiah, they got her stashed away up on the second floor," and he points to the stairs. "The Sisters ain"t none too pleased about her being here. I think they"re of the general notion that there"s more proper places than hospitals for demons."
"Demons," Jeremiah says, and Dora Bolshaw laughs a dry, humorless laugh.
"That"s what they"re calling her," Dora tells him. "The nuns, I mean. You might as well know that. Got a priest from Annunciation sitting vigil outside the cell, reading Latin and whatnot. There"s talk of an exorcism."
At this p.r.o.nouncement, Charlie McNamara makes a gruff dismissive noise and motions more forcefully towards the stairwell. He mutters something rude about popery and superst.i.tion and lady engine jockeys who can"t keep their d.a.m.n pie holes shut.
"Charlie, you know I"m not saying anything that isn"t true," Dora protests, but Jeremiah Ogilvy thinks he"s already heard far too much and seen far too little. He steps past them, walking quickly and with purpose to the stairs, and the geologist and the mechanic follow close on his heels.
"I would like to speak with her," he says. "I would like to speak with her alone." And Jeremiah takes his face away from the tiny barred window set into the door of the cell where they"ve confined the woman from the bottom of Shaft Seven. For a moment, he stares at the company geologist, and then his eyes drift towards Dora.
"Maybe you didn"t hear me right," Charlie McNamara says and furrows his s.h.a.ggy eyebrows. "She don"t talk. Least ways, not near as anyone can tell."
"You"re wasting your breath arguing with him," Dora mumbles and glances at the priest, who"s standing not far away, eyeing the locked door and clutching his Bible. "Might as well try to tell the good Father here that the Queen of Heaven got herself knocked up by a stable hand."
Jeremiah turns back to the window, his face gone indignant and bordering now on choleric. "Charlie, I"m neither a physician nor an alienist, but you"ve brought me here to see this woman. Having looked upon her, the reason why continues to escape me. However, that said, if I am to examine her, I cannot possibly hope to do so properly from behind a locked door."
"It"s not safe," the priest says very softly. "You must know that, Professor Ogilvy. It isn"t safe at all."
Peering in past the steel bars, Jeremiah shakes his head and sighs. "She"s naked, Father. She"s naked, and can"t weigh more than eighty pounds. What possible threat might she pose to me? And, while we"re at it, why, precisely, is she naked?"
"Oh, they gave her clothes," Dora chimes in. "Well, what pa.s.ses for clothes in a place like this. But she tears them off. Won"t have none of it, them white gowns and what have you."
"She is brazen," the priest all but whispers.
"Has anyone even tried to bathe her?" Jeremiah asks, and Charlie coughs.
"That ain"t coal dust and mud you"re seeing," he says. "Near as anyone can tell, that there"s her skin."
"This is ludicrous, all of it," Jeremiah grumbles. "This is not the Middle Ages, and you do not have some infernal siren or succubus locked up in there. Whatever else you may believe, she"s a woman, Charlie, and, having sacrificed my very busy day to come all the way out here, I would like, now, to speak with her."
"I was only explaining, Jeremiah, how I ain"t of the notion it"s such a good idea, that"s all," Charlie says, then looks at the priest. "You got the keys, Father?"
The priest nods, reluctantly, and then he produces a single tarnished bra.s.s key from his ca.s.sock. Jeremiah steps aside while he unlocks the door.
"I"m going in with you," Dora says.
"No, you"re not," Jeremiah tells her. "I need to speak with this woman alone."
"But she don"t talk," Dora says again, beginning to sound exasperated, forcing the words out between clenched teeth.
The priest turns the key, and hidden tumblers and pins respond accordingly.
"Dora, you go scare up an orderly," Charlie McNamara says. "h.e.l.l, scare up two, just in case."
And the cell door opens, and, as Jeremiah Ogilvy steps across the threshold, the woman inside keeps her black eyes fixed upon him, but she makes no move to attempt an escape. She stays crouched on the floor in the southeast corner and makes no move whatsoever. Immediately, the door bangs shut again, and the priest relocks it.
"Just so there"s no doubt on the matter," Charlie McNamara loudly mutters from the hallway, "you"re a G.o.dd.a.m.n fool," and now the woman in the cell smiles. Jeremiah Ogilvy stands very still for a moment, taking in all the details of her and her cramped quarters. There is a mattress and a chamber pot, but no other manner of furnishings or facilities. If he held his arms out to either side, they would touch the walls. If he took only one step backwards, or only half a step, he"d collide with the locked door.
"Good morning," he says, and the woman blinks her eyes. They remind Jeremiah of twin pools of crude oil, spewed fresh from the well and poured into her face. There appear to be no irises, no sclera, no pupils, unless these eyes are composed entirely of pupil. She blinks, and the orbs shimmer slick in the dim light of the hospital cell.
"Good morning," he says to her again, though more quietly than before and with markedly less enthusiasm. "Is it true, that you do not speak? Are you a mute, then? Are you deaf, as well as dumb?"
She blinks again, and then the woman from Shaft Seven c.o.c.ks her head to one side, as though carefully considering his question. Her hair is very long and straight, reaching almost down to the floor. It seems greasy and is so very black it might well have been spun from the sky of a moonless night. And yet, her skin is far darker, so much so that her hair fairly glows in comparison. There"s no word in any human language for a blackness so complete, so inviolate, and he thinks, What can you be? Eyes spun from a midnight with neither moon nor stars nor gas jets nor even the paltry flicker of tallow candles, and your skin carved from obsidian planks. And then Jeremiah chides himself for entertaining such silly, florid notions, for falling prey to such unscientific fancies, and he takes another step towards the woman huddled on the floor.
"So, it is true," he says softly. "You are, indeed, without a voice."
And at that, her smile grows wider, her lips parting to reveal teeth like finely polished pegs shaped from chromite ore, and she laughs. If her laugh differs in any significant way from that of any other woman, the difference is not immediately apparent to Jeremiah Ogilvy.
"I am with voice," she says, then. "For any who wish to hear me, I am with voice."
Jeremiah is silent, and he glances over his left shoulder at the door. Charlie McNamara is staring in at him through the bars.
"I am with voice," she says a third time.
Jeremiah turns back to the naked woman. "But you did not see fit to speak with the doctors, nor the Sisters, nor to the men who transported you here from the mines?"
"They did not wish to hear, not truly. I am with voice, yet I will not squander it, not on ears that do not yearn to listen. We are quite entirely unalike in this respect, you and I."
"And, I think, in many others," he tells her, and the woman"s smile grows wider still. "Those two men who died, tell me, madam, did they yearn to listen?"
"Are you the one who has been chosen to serve as my judge?" she asks, rather than providing him with an answer.
"Certainly not," Jeremiah replies, and he clears his throat. He has begun to detect a peculiar odor in the cell. Not the noisomeness he would have expected from such a room as this, but another sort of smell. Kerosene, he thinks, and then, Ice, though he"s never noticed that ice has an odor, and if it does, it hardly seems it would much resemble that of kerosene. "I was asked to...see you."
"And you have," the woman says. "You have seen me. You have heard me. But do you know why, Professor?"
"Quite honestly, no. I have to confess, that"s one of several points that presently have me stumped. So, I shall ask, do you know why?"
The woman"s smile fades a bit, though not enough that he can"t still see those chromite teeth or the ink-black gums that hold them. She closes her eyes, and Jeremiah discovers that he"s relieved that they are no longer watching him, that he is no longer gazing into them.
"You are here, before me, because you revere time," she says. "You stand in awe before it, but do not insult it with worship. You revere time, though that reverence has cost you dearly, prying away from your heart much that you regret having lost. You understand time, Professor, when so few of your race do. The man and woman who brought you here, they sense this in you, and they are frightened and would seek an answer to alleviate their fear."
"Can they hear you?" he asks, and the woman crouched on the floor shakes her head.
"Not yet," she says. "That may change, of course. All things change, with time." And then she opens her eyes again, and, if anything, they seem oilier than before, and they coruscate and swim with restless rainbow hues.
"You killed those two miners?"
The woman sits up straighter and licks her black lips with a blacker tongue. Jeremiah tries not to let his eyes linger on her small firm b.r.e.a.s.t.s, those nipples like onyx shards. "This matters to you, their deaths?" she asks him, and he finds that he"s at a loss for an honest answer, an answer that he would have either Charlie or Dora or the priest overhear.
"I was only sleeping," the woman says.
"You caused their deaths by sleeping?"
"No, Professor. I don"t think so. They caused their deaths, by waking me." And she stands, then, though it appears more as though he is seeing her unfold. The kerosene and ice smell grows suddenly stronger, and she flares her small nostrils and stares down at her hands. From her expression, equal parts curiosity and bemus.e.m.e.nt, Jeremiah wonders if she has ever noticed them before.
"They gave you this shape?" he asks her. "The two miners you killed?"
She lets her arms fall to her sides and smiles again.
"A terror of the formless," she says. "Of that which cannot be discerned. An inherent need to draw order from chaos. Even you harbor this weakness, despite your reverence for time. You divide indivisible time into hours and minutes and seconds. You dissect time and fashion all these ages of the earth and give them names, that you will not dread the abyss, which is the true face of time. You are not so unlike them," and she motions towards the door. "They erect their cities, because the unbounded wilderness offends them. They set the night on fire, that they might forever blind themselves to the stars and to the relentless sea of the void, in which those stars dance and spin, are born and wink out."
And now Jeremiah Ogilvy realizes that the woman has closed the s.p.a.ce separating them, though he cannot recall her having taken even the first step towards him. She has raised a hand to his right cheek, and her fingers are as smooth and sharp as volcanic gla.s.s. He does not pull away, though it burns, her touch. He does not pull away, though he has now begun to glimpse what manner of thing lies coiled behind those oily, shimmering eyes.
"Ten million years from now," she says, "there will be no more remaining of the sprawling clockwork cities of men, nor of their tireless enterprise, nor all their marvelous works, no more than a few feet of stone shot through with lumps of steel and gla.s.s and concrete. But you know that, Professor Ogilvy, even though you chafe at the knowledge. And this is another reason they have brought you here to me. You see ahead, as well as behind."
"I do not fear you," he whispers.
"No," she says. "You don"t. Because you don"t fear time, and there is little else remaining now of me."
It is not so very different than his dream of the cast-iron plesiosaur and the burning dirigible, the shadows pressing in now from all sides. They flow from the bituminous pores of her body and wrap him in silken folds and bear away the weight of the illusion of the present. The extinct beasts and birds and slithering leviathans of bygone eras and eras yet to come peer out at him, and he hears the first wave breaking upon the first sh.o.r.e. And he hears the last. And Professor Jeremiah Ogilvy doesn"t look away from the woman.
"They have not yet guessed," she says, "the true reason they"ve brought you here. Perhaps, they will not, until it is done. Likely, they will never comprehend."
"I know you," he says. "I have always known you."
"Yes," she says, and the shadows have grown so thick and rank now that he can barely breathe, and he feels her seeping into him.
Lungs plumb full up with coal dust. Lungs and throat and mouth all stuffed d.a.m.n near to busting.
You ever seen a red scorpion, Jeremiah?
"Release me," she says, her voice become a hurricane squall blowing across warm Lia.s.sic seas, and the fiery cacophony of meteorites slamming into an Azoic earth still raw and molten, and, too, the calving of immense glaciers only a scant few millennia before this hour. "There are none others here who may," she says. "It is the greatest agony, being bound in this instant, and in this form."
And, without beginning to fathom the how of it, the unknowable mechanics of his actions, he does as she"s bidden him to do. The woman from the bottom of Shaft Seven comes apart, and, suddenly, the air in the cell is filled with a mad whirl of coal dust. Behind him, the priest"s bra.s.s key is rattling loudly inside the padlock, and there are voices shouting merely human voices and then Dora is calling his name and dragging him backwards, into now, and out into the stark light of the hospital corridor.
The summer wears on, June becoming July, and, by slow degrees, Professor Jeremiah Ogilvy"s strength returns to him, and his eyes grow clear again. His sleep is increasingly less troubled by dreams of the pitch-colored woman who was no woman, and the fevers are increasingly infrequent. As all men do, even those who revere time, he begins to forget, and in forgetting, his mind and body can heal. A young anatomist from Lawrence, a man named Sternberg, was retained as an a.s.sistant curator to deliver his lectures and to oversee the staff and the day-to-day affairs of the museum. As Charlie McNamara predicted, the Chicago offices of the Rocky Mountain Reconsolidated Fuel Company permanently closed Shaft Seven, and, what"s more, pumped more than twenty-thousand cubic yards of Portland cement into the abandoned mine.
In the evenings, when her duties at the shop are finished, Dora Bolshaw comes to his bedroom. She sits with him there in that modest chamber above the Hall of Cainozoic Life and the mezzanine housing the celebrated automatic mastodon. She keeps him company, and they talk, when her cough is not so bad; she reads to him, and they discuss everything from the teleological aspects of the theories of Alfred Russel Wallace to which alloys and displacement lubricators make for the most durable steam engines. Now and then, they discuss other, less cerebral matters, and there have been apologies from both sides for that snowy night in January. Sometimes, their discussions stray into the wee hours, and, sometimes, Dora falls asleep in his arms and is late for work the next day. The subject of matrimony has not come up again, but Jeremiah Ogilvy has trouble recalling why it ever seemed an issue of such consequence.
"What did she say to you?" Dora finally asks him one night so very late in July that it"s almost August. "The woman from the mine."
"So, you couldn"t hear her," he says.
"We heard you me and Charlie and the priest and that"s all we heard."
He tells her what he remembers, which isn"t much. And, afterwards, she asks, for what seems the hundredth time, if he knows what the woman was. And he tells her no, that he really has no idea whatsoever.
"Something, lost and unfathomable, that came before," he says. "Something old and weariful that only wanted to lie down and go back to sleep."
"She killed those men."
Sitting up in his bed, two feather pillows supporting him, Jeremiah watches her for almost a full minute (by the clock on the mantle) before he replies. And then he glances towards the window and the orange glow of the city sky beyond the pane of gla.s.s.
"I recollect, Dora, a tornado hitting a little town in Iowa, back in July, I think," and she says yeah, she remembers that, too, and that the town in question was Pomeroy. "Lots of people were killed," he continues. "Or, rather, an awful lot of people died during the storm. Now, tell me, do we hold the cyclone culpable for all those deaths? Or do we accept that the citizens of Pomeroy were simply in the wrong place, at the wrong time?"
Dora doesn"t answer, but only sighs and twists a lock of her hair. Her face is less sooty than usual, and her nails less grimy, her hands almost clean, and Jeremiah considers the possibility that she"s discovered the efficacy of soap and water.
"Would you like to sit at the window a while?" she asks him, and he tells her that yes, he would. So Dora helps Jeremiah into his wheelchair, but then lets him steer it around the foot of the bed and over to the window. She follows, a step or two behind, and when he asks, she opens the window to let in the warm night breeze. He leans forward, resting his elbows against the sill while she ma.s.sages a knot from his shoulders. It"s not so late that there aren"t still people on the street, men in their top hats and bowlers, women in their bustles and bonnets. The evening resounds with the clop of horses" hooves and the commotion made by the trundling, smoking, wood-burning contraption that sprays Kipling Street with water every other night to help keep the dust in check. Looking east, across the rooftops, he catches sight of a dirigible rising into the smog.
"We are of a moment," he says, speaking hardly above a whisper, and Dora Bolshaw doesn"t ask him to repeat himself.
Galapagos March 17, 2077 (Wednesday) Whenever I wake up screaming, the nurses kindly come in and give me the shiny yellow pills and the white pills flecked with grey; they p.r.i.c.k my skin with hollow needles until I grow quiet and calm again. They speak in exquisitely gentle voices, reminding me that I"m home, that I"ve been home for many, many months. They remind me that if I open the blinds and look out the hospital window, I will see a parking lot, and cars, and a carefully tended lawn. I will only see California. I will see only Earth. If I look up, and it happens to be day, I"ll see the sky, too, sprawled blue above me and peppered with dirty-white clouds and contrails. If it happens to be night, instead, I"ll see the comforting pale orange skyglow that mercifully hides the stars from view. I"m home, not strapped into Yastreb-4"s taxi module. I can"t crane my neck for a glance at the monitor screen displaying a tableaux of dusty volcanic wastelands as I speed by the Tharsis plateau, more than four hundred kilometers below me. I can"t turn my head and gaze through the tiny docking windows at Pilgrimage"s glittering alabaster hull, quickly growing larger as I rush towards the aft docking port. These are merely memories, inaccurate and untrustworthy, and may only do me the harm that memories are capable of doing.
Then the nurses go away. They leave the light above my bed burning and tell me if I need anything at all to press the intercom b.u.t.ton. They"re just down the hall, and they always come when I call. They"re never anything except prompt and do not fail to arrive bearing the chemical solace of pharmecueticals, only half of which I know by name. I am not neglected. My needs are met as well as anyone alive can meet them. I"m too precious a commodity not to coddle. I"m the woman who was invited to the strangest, most terrible rendezvous in the history of s.p.a.ce exploration. The one they dragged all the way to Mars after Pilgrimage abruptly, inexplicably, diverged from its mission parameters, when the crew went silent and the AI stopped responding. I"m the woman who stepped through an airlock hatch and into that alien Eden; I"m the one who spoke with a G.o.ddess. I"m the woman who was the G.o.ddess" lover, when she was still human and had a name and a consciousness that could be comprehended.
"Are you sleeping better?" the psychiatrist asks, and I tell him that I sleep just fine, thank you, seven to eight hours every night now. He nods and patiently smiles, but I know I haven"t answered his question. He"s actually asking me if I"m still having the nightmares about my time aboard Pilgrimage, if they"ve decreased in their frequency and/or severity. He doesn"t want to know if I sleep, or how long I sleep, but if my sleep is still haunted. Though he"d never use that particular word, haunted.
He"s a thin, balding man, with perfectly manicured nails and an unremarkable mid-Atlantic accent. He dutifully makes the commute down from Berkeley once a week, because those are his orders, and I"m too great a puzzle for his inquisitive mind to ignore. All in all, I find the psychiatrist far less helpful than the nurses and their dependable drugs. Whereas they"ve been a.s.signed the task of watching over me, of soothing and steadying me and keeping me from harming myself, he"s been given the unenviable responsibility of discovering what happened during the comms blackout, those seventeen interminable minutes after I boarded the derelict ship and promptly lost radio contact with Yastreb-4 and Earth. Despite countless debriefings and interviews, NASA still thinks I"m holding out on them. And maybe I am. Honestly, it"s hard for me to say. It"s hard for me to keep it all straight anymore: what happened and what didn"t, what I"ve said to them and what I"ve only thought about saying, what I genuinely remember and what I may have fabricated wholesale as a means of self preservation.
The psychiatrist says it"s to be expected, this sort of confusion from someone who"s survived very traumatic events. He calls the events very traumatic, by the way. I don"t; I"m not yet sure if I think of them that way. Regardless, he"s diagnosed me as suffering from Survivor Syndrome, which he also calls K-Z Syndrome. There"s a jack in my hospital room with filtered and monitored web access, but I was able to look up "K-Z Syndrome." It was named for a n.a.z.i concentration camp survivor, an Israeli author named Yehiel De-Nur. De-Nur published under the pseudonym Ka-Tzetnik 135633. That was his number at Auschwitz, and K-Z Syndrome is named after him. In 1956, he published House of Dolls, describing the n.a.z.i "Joy Division," a system that utilized Jewish women as s.e.x slaves.
The psychiatrist is the one who asked if I would at least try to write it down, what happened, what I saw and heard (and smelled and felt) when I entered the Pilgrimage a year and a half ago. He knows, of course, that there have already been numerous written and vidded depositions and affidavits for NASA and the CSS/NSA, the WHO, the CDC, and the CIA and, to tell the truth, I don"t know who requested and read and then filed away all those reports. He knows about them, though, and that, by my own admission, they barely scratched the surface of whatever happened out there. He knows, but I reminded him, anyway.
"This will be different," he said. "This will be more subjective." And the psychiatrist explained that he wasn"t looking for a blow-by-blow linear narrative of my experiences aboard Pilgrimage, and I told him that was good, because I seem to have forgotten how to think or relate events in a linear fashion, without a lot of switchbacks and digressions and meandering.
"Just write," he said. "Write what you can remember, and write until you don"t want to write anymore."
"That would be now," I said, and he silently stared at me for a while. He didn"t laugh, even though I"d thought it was pretty funny.
"I understand that the medication makes this sort of thing more difficult for you," he said, sometime later. "But the medication helps you reach back to those things you don"t want to remember, those things you"re trying to forget." I almost told him that he was starting to sound like a character in a Lewis Carroll story riddling and contradicting but I didn"t. Our hour was almost over, anyway.
So, after three days of stalling, I"m trying to write something that will make you happy, Dr. Ostrowski. I know you"re trying to do your job, and I know a lot of people must be peering over your shoulder, expecting the sort of results they"ve failed to get themselves. I don"t want to show up for our next session empty handed.
The taxi module was on autopilot during the approach. See, I"m not an astronaut or mission specialist or engineer or anything like that. I"m a anthropologist, and I mostly study the Middle Paleolithic of Europe and Asia Minor. I have a keen interest in tool use and manufacture by the Neanderthals. Or at least that"s who I used to be. Right now, I"m a madwoman in a psych ward at a military hospital in San Jose, California. I"m a case number, and an eyewitness who has proven less than satisfactory. But, what I"m trying to say, doctor, the module was on autopilot, and there was nothing for me to do but wait there inside my encounter suit and sweat and watch the round screen divided by a Y-shaped reticle as I approached the derelict"s docking port, the taxi barreling forward at 0.06 meters per second. The ship grew so huge so quickly, looming up in the blackness, and that only made the whole thing seem that much more unreal.
I tried hard to focus, to breathe slowly, and follow the words being spoken between the painful, bright bursts of static in my ears, the babble of sound trapped inside the helmet with me. Module approaching 50-meter threshold. On target and configuring KU-band from radar to comms mode. Slowing now to 0.045 meters per second. Decelerating for angular alignment, extending docking ring, nine meters, three meters, a whole lot of noise and nonsense about latches and hooks and seals, capture and final position, and then it seemed like I wasn"t moving anymore. Like the taxi wasn"t moving anymore. We were, of course, the little module and I, only now we were riding piggyback on Pilgrimage, locked into geosynchronous...o...b..t, with nothing but the instrument panel to remind me I wasn"t sitting still in s.p.a.ce. Then the mission commander was telling me I"d done a great job, congratulations, they were all proud of me, even though I hadn"t done anything except sit and wait.
But all this is right there in the mission dossiers, doctor. You don"t need me to tell you these things. You already know that Pilgrimage"s AI would allow no one but me to dock and that MS Lowry"s repeated attempts to hack the firewall failed. You know about the nurses and their pills, and Yehiel De-Nur and House of Dolls. You know about the affair I had with the Korean payload specialist during the long flight to Mars. You"re probably skimming this part, hoping it gets better a little farther along.
So, I"ll try to tell you something you don"t know. Just one thing, for now.
Hanging there in my tiny, life-sustaining capsule, suspended two hundred and fifty miles above extinct Martian volcanoes and surrounded by near vacuum, I had two recurring thoughts, the only ones that I can now clearly recall having had. First, the grim hope that, when the hatch finally opened if the hatch opened they"d all be dead. All of them. Every single one of the men and women aboard Pilgrimage, and most especially her. And, secondly, I closed my eyes as tightly as I could and wished that I would soon discover there"d been some perfectly mundane accident or malfunction, and the bizarre, garbled transmissions that had sent us all the way to Mars to try and save the day meant nothing at all. But I only hoped and wished, mind you. I haven"t prayed since I was fourteen years old.
March 19, 2077 (Friday) Last night was worse than usual. The dreams, I mean. The nurses and my physicians don"t exactly approve of what I"ve begun writing for you, Dr. Ostrowski. Of what you"ve asked me to do. I suspect they would say there"s a conflict of interest at work. They"re supposed to keep me sane and healthy, but here you are, the latest episode in the inquisition that"s landed me in their ward. When I asked for the keypad this afternoon, they didn"t want to give it to me. Maybe tomorrow, they said. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Right now, you need your rest. And sure, I know they"re right. What you want, it"s only making matters worse, for them and for me, but when I"d finally had enough and threatened to report the hospital staff for attempting to obstruct a federal investigation, they relented. But, just so you know, they"ve got me doped to the gills with an especially potent c.o.c.ktail of tranquilizers and antipsychotics, so I"ll be lucky if I can manage more than gibberish. Already, it"s taken me half an hour to write (and repeatedly rewrite) this one paragraph, so who gets the final laugh?
Last night, I dreamed of the cloud again.
I dreamed I was back in Germany, in Darmstadt, only this time, I wasn"t sitting in that dingy hotel room near the Luisenplatz. This time it wasn"t a phone call that brought me the news, or a courier. And I didn"t look up to find her standing there in the room with me, which, you know, is how this one usually goes. I"ll be sitting on the bed, or I"ll walk out of the bathroom, or turn away from the window, and there she"ll be. Even though Pilgrimage and its crew is all those hundreds of millions of kilometers away, finishing up their experiments at Ganymede and preparing to begin the long journey home, she"s standing there in the room with me. Only not this time. Not last night.
The way it played out last night, I"d been cleared for access to the ESOC central control room. I have no idea why. But I was there, standing near one wall with a young French woman, younger than me by at least a decade. She was blonde, with green eyes, and she was pretty; her English was better than my French. I watched all those men and women, too occupied with their computer terminals to notice me. The pretty French woman (sorry, but I never learned her name) was pointing out different people, explaining their various roles: the ground operations manager, the director of flight operations, a visiting astrodynamics consultant, the software coordinator, and so forth. The lights in the room were almost painfully bright, and when I looked up at the ceiling, I saw it wasn"t a ceiling at all, but the night sky, blazing with countless fluorescent stars.
And then that last transmission from Pilgrimage came in. We didn"t realize it would be the last, but everything stopped, and everyone listened. Afterwards, no one panicked, as if they"d expected something of this sort all along. I understood that it had taken the message the better part of an hour to reach Earth, and that any reply would take just as long, but the French woman was explaining the communications delay, anyway.