It is just as if I had told you--you always know, you always understand."
"Yes," said Lady Gore, "I think I understand. And you know," she added after a moment, "that I never want you to tell me more than you wish to tell. Only, very often"--and she tried to choose her words with anxious care, that not one of them might mean more, less, or other than she intended, "it sometimes helps younger people, if they talk to people who are older. You see, the mere fact of having been in the world longer, brings one something like more wisdom, one can judge of the proportion of things somehow, nothing seems quite so surprising, so extraordinary--or so impossible," she added with a faint smile, with the intuition of the point that Rachel had arrived at. And Rachel was ready to take perfectly for granted that she should have been so followed. Her absolute reliance on the wise and tender confidante by her side, the habit of placing her first and referring everything to her was stronger unconsciously to herself, than even the natural desire of her age to hug the secret she was carrying, to keep it jealously from any eyes but her own.
"Of course, of course, I know that," she said without looking up, "and my first thought always is that I will tell you. In fact," she went on with a little laugh, "I never know what I think myself until I have told you, and heard what it sounds like when I am saying it to you, and seen what you look like when you listen--only----" she stopped again.
"Darling," said Lady Gore, "never feel that you must tell me a word more than you wish to say."
"Well," said Rachel hesitating, "the only thing is that to-day I must--perhaps--you would know something about it presently in any case...." And she stopped again.
"Presently? why?" said Lady Gore. Rachel made no answer.
"Is Mr. Rendel coming here to-day?" said Lady Gore, trying to speak in her ordinary voice.
"Yes," said Rachel, "he is coming to see you."
"I shall be very glad to see him," said Lady Gore. "I always am."
"I know, yes," said Rachel. Then with a sudden effort, "It is no use, mother, I must tell you; you must know first." Then she paused again.
"This morning we went out in the boat----" she stopped.
"Yes," said Lady Gore, "and Sir Charles Miniver was unfortunately too old to go with you--or fortunately, perhaps?"
"I am not sure which," said Rachel. "I am not sure," she repeated slowly.
"Rachel, did Francis Rendel...."
"Yes," said Rachel, "he asked me to marry him."
Lady Gore laid her hand on her daughter"s. "What did you say to him?"
Rachel looked up quickly. "Surely you know. I told him it would be impossible."
"Impossible?" her mother repeated.
"Of course, impossible," Rachel said. "We needn"t discuss it, mother dear," she went on with an effort. "You know I could not go away from you; you could not do without me. You could not, could you?" she went on imploringly. "I should be dreadfully saddened if you could."
"I should have to do without you," Lady Gore said. "I could not let you give up your happiness to mine."
"It would not be giving up my happiness to stay with you, you know that quite well," Rachel said. "On the contrary, I simply could not be happy if I felt that you needed me and that I had left you."
"Rachel, do you care for him?"
"Do I, I wonder?" Rachel said, half thinking aloud and letting herself go as one does who, having overcome the first difficulty of speech, welcomes the rapturous belief of pouring out her heart to the right listener. "I believe," she said, "that I care for him as much as I could for any one, in that way, but"--and she shook her head--"I know all the time that you come first, and that you always, always will."
"Oh, but that is not right," said Lady Gore. "That is not natural."
"Not natural," Rachel said, "that I should care for my mother most?"
"No," Lady Gore said, "not in the long run. Of course," she went on with a smile, "to say a thing is not "natural" is simply begging the question, and sounds as if one were dismissing a very complicated problem with a commonplace formula, but it has truth in it all the same.
It is difficult enough to fashion existence in the right way, even with the help of others, but to do it single-handed is a task few people are qualified to achieve. I am quite sure that a woman has more chance of happiness if she marries than if she remains alone. It is right that people should renew their stock of affection, should see that their hold on the world, on life, is renewed, should feel that fresh claims, for that is a part, and a great part, of happiness, are ready at hand when the old ones disappear. All this is what means happiness, and you know that the one thing I want in the world is that you should be happy. I was thinking to-day," she went on, with a slight tremor in her voice, "that if I were quite sure that your life were happily settled, that you were beginning one of your own not wholly dependent on those behind you, I should not mind very much if mine were to come to an end."
"To an end?" said Rachel, startled. "Don"t say that--don"t talk about that."
"I do not talk about it often," Lady Gore said; "but this is a moment when it must be said, because, remember, when you talk of sacrificing your life to me----"
"Sacrificing!" interjected Rachel.
"Well, of devoting it to me," Lady Gore went on; "and putting aside those things that might make a beautiful life of your own, you must remember one thing, that I may not be there always. In fact," she corrected herself with a smile, "to say _may_ not is taking a rose-coloured view, that I _shall_ not be there always. And who knows?
The moment of our separation may not be so far off."
Rachel looked up hurriedly, much perturbed.
"Why are you saying this now?" she said. "You have seemed so much better lately. You are very well, aren"t you, mother? You are looking very well."
Lady Gore had a moment of wondering whether she should tell her daughter what she knew, what she expected herself, but she looked at Rachel"s anxious, quivering face and refrained.
"It is something that ought to be said at this moment," she answered.
"You have come to a parting of the ways. This is the moment to show you the signposts, to help you to choose the best road."
"Listen, mother," said Rachel earnestly. "In this case I am sure I know by myself which is the best road to choose. I am perfectly clear that as long as I have you I shall stay with you. That I mean to do," she continued with unwonted decision. "And besides, if--if you were no longer there, how could I leave my father?"
"Ah," said Lady Gore, "I wanted to say that to you. Now, as we are speaking of it, let us talk it out, let us look at it in the face.
Consider the possibility, Rachel, the probability that I may be taken from you; my dream would be that you should make your own life with some one that you care about, and yet not part it entirely from your father"s, that while he is there he should not be left. If I thought that, do you know, it would be a very great help to me," she said, forcing herself to speak steadily, but unable to hide entirely the wistful anxiety in her tone.
"I will never, never leave him," Rachel said. "I promise you that I never will."
"Then I can look forward," her mother said, "as peacefully, I don"t say as joyfully, as I look back. Twenty-four years, nearly twenty-five," she went on, half to herself and looking dreamily upwards, "we have been married. You don"t know what those years mean, but some day I hope you will. I pray that you may know how the lives and souls of two people who care for one another absolutely grow together during such a time."
"It is beautiful," Rachel said softly, "to know that there is such happiness in the world," and her own new happiness leapt to meet the a.s.surance of the years.
"It is beautiful indeed," Lady Gore said. "It means a constant abiding sense of a strange other self sharing one"s own interests--of a close companionship, an unquestioning approval which makes one almost independent of opinions outside."
"Some people," said Rachel, pressing her mother"s hand, "have the outside affection and approval too."
"Yes, the world has been very kind to me," Lady Gore said, "and all that is delightful. But it is the big thing that matters. Do you remember that there was some famous Greek who said when his chosen friend and companion died, "The theatre of my actions has fallen"?" Rachel"s face lighted up in quick response. "When I am gone," her mother went on, "don"t let your father feel that the theatre of _his_ actions has fallen--take my place, surround him with love and sympathy."
"I will, indeed I will," said Rachel.
"What a man needs," said Lady Gore, "is some one to believe in him."
"My father will never be in want of that," said Rachel, with heartfelt conviction. "Mother," she added, "I never will forget what I am saying now, and you may believe it and you may be happy about it. I won"t leave my father; he shall come first, I promise, whatever happens."
"First?" said Lady Gore gently. "No, Rachel, not that; it is right that your husband should come first."
"The people," said Rachel smiling, "whose husbands come first have not had a father and mother like mine."
There was a knock at the house door. Rachel sprang hurriedly to her feet, the colour flying into her cheeks. Lady Gore looked at her. She had never before seen in Rachel"s face what she saw there now.
"I must take off my things," the girl said, catching up her gloves and veil.