But he needed to go and she needed to let him, if only to prove to herself that she still could.
Their kiss ended and then he was gone, the soft reverberation of the door closing behind him all that remained of his departure.
Rolling over, she burrowed under the sheets that still bore his scent and closed her eyes against the moisture gathering there.
Chapter 27.
All around Leo drifted the fragrant scents of pine boughs, holly and traces of woodsmoke from a Yule log so big that it would burn steadily throughout the next twelve days.
Yesterday, he and his brothers, Edward, Cade, Jack, Drake and Lawrence, and their brother-in-law, Adam, had overseen its installation in Braebourne"s main fireplace. The hearth was so large a full-grown man could stand nearly upright inside it.
Later, as per tradition, a piece of tinder carefully saved from last year"s Yule log had been brought out and used to light the new one, officially inaugurating the Christmas holiday. Their mother, Ava, Dowager d.u.c.h.ess of Clybourne, had done the honors as matriarch of the family. It was a special occasion that everyone always enjoyed.
Today was Christmas; the house was filled to bursting with noise and laughter, the entire family gathered in the large drawing room to eat and play games and open presents. The children, many of whom were his own nieces and nephews, had been allowed out of the nursery so they could partic.i.p.ate in the festivities. At the moment, several of the older ones were involved in a raucous game of hoodman-blind that had spilled out into the main hall.
The toddlers had been settled together on soft blankets in the middle of the drawing room floor to play with toys under the watchful gazes of their parents and respective nurses.
There were a couple of infants as well, including his newest nephew, August-Drake and Sebastianne"s first child-and Jack and Grace"s newest daughter, Rosalind, their fourth child.
They teased Jack on occasion about producing only daughters. But Jack just smiled, saying he liked being surrounded by girls, since women were his favorite of the two s.e.xes.
And Leo could see that Jack was happy and well contented, his wild bachelor days long behind him. After nearly eight years of marriage, he and Grace were still clearly in love.
Glancing across the room, Leo saw them laughing quietly where they sat together on the sofa talking with Cade and Meg and Adam and Mallory, who was heavily pregnant with their second child.
Cade had his arm around Meg; Mallory was resting her head against Adam"s shoulder while he absently stroked her rounded stomach; and Jack and Grace were holding hands.
Drake and Sebastianne and Edward and Claire were just as spoony, though Ned, as the duke, did try to maintain a bit more decorum, at least in company. But Leo had seen them together often enough to know the depth of their devotion, the steadfast strength of their love.
He"d always been happy for them but in a bit of an eye-rolling kind of way. Today he felt something else.
Today he felt envious.
He wondered what Thalia was doing.
Was she lonely without him?
Or was she making merry with the friend she"d mentioned?
Had she gone to the other woman"s house for syllabub and carols? Were they even now celebrating, perhaps with a whole host of revelers gathered to enjoy the day?
Was he on her mind or had she forgotten him except in pa.s.sing now that he was away?
He frowned.
I ought to have brought her with me and d.a.m.ned the consequences.
His hand curled into a fist on his thigh.
She could be here at his side right now if she were like the others. No one would dare to say a word if she was his wife.
His breath caught on a quiet gasp, thoughts revolving like a maelstrom, mad though they might be.
Or are they?
"Here, I thought you could do with a bit of Christmas cheer."
He looked up and stared blankly at his younger sister, Esme, and the cup in her hand. "What?"
"I brought you a cup of wa.s.sail. I thought it might help cure whatever it is that is ailing you."
She sank down onto the cushions beside him and looked at him out of a pair of dark blue eyes that were much too knowing for a girl of eighteen.
"What makes you think something is wrong?" he asked, accepting the drink.
"Oh, I don"t know. Maybe the fact that you"re sitting over here in the corner all by yourself. That and the big bearish scowl on your face. It kind of gives you away."
He scowled harder. "It"s nothing."
"Obviously, it is something."
"It"s nothing I can tell you."
"Oh." Her face fell a bit. "Well, that puts me in my place, does it not?"
She started to her feet again, but he stopped her with a hand.
"Sorry," he said. "I don"t mean to be a bear, as you put it-leave it to you to pick an animal reference."
"Of course. Animals are the wisest of all creatures. They provide an example for every facet of life."
"There are quite a few humans who might disagree, but we"ll leave that debate for another time."
She nodded. "Well then?"
"Well then what?"
"Why are you discomposed, today of all days? It"s Christmas. You ought to be smiling and happy."
He showed her his teeth.
Esme laughed, but sobered quickly again. "Are you certain you cannot tell me?"
On a sigh, he leaned back against the cushions. Esme was the last person with whom he should discuss Thalia; mistresses were not something a girl her age should know anything about. And a divorced mistress . . .
Jack or Cade would be better choices by far-any of his other siblings really. Yet oddly enough, Esme was the least judgmental person in the family and also the best listener. She was the most compa.s.sionate as well, ready to bind a bird"s injured wing or listen to the worries of a scullery maid who"d been scolded by Cook for not peeling enough potatoes.
He drank some wa.s.sail, enjoying the flavor of the warm brandy, hard cider, oranges, cinnamon and cloves. "There is someone who isn"t here today. Someone I miss."
"A lady?"
"Yes. And do not bother asking her name."
"I wasn"t going to."
A brief silence fell.
He drank more wa.s.sail.
"Did you not invite her?" Esme asked. "Or is it that she could not come?"
"A bit of both actually. It"s . . . complicated."
"Why?"
"Why is it complicated? Because it is," he added at her nod.
"Maybe it doesn"t need to be. Do you love her, this woman you miss?"
His frown returned. "I don"t know."
"Does she love you?"
His chest tightened, a slightly queasy sensation in his stomach. He set his cup aside. "I don"t know that either."
"Then maybe you should find out. Once you do, all the complications may not seem so complex."
"Then again, they still may."
"You are just having a fit of the blue devils today. Come on," she said, reaching for his hand, "come join me for a game of cards. I"m determined to beat Jack and I need a crack hand for a partner."
"Impossible. You know Jack"s unbeatable."
"No one wins all the time, not even him. And nothing is impossible, not if you want it badly enough."
"So speaks the naive schoolroom miss."
"Not so naive," she said with a serene smile. "I just prefer to be optimistic, that"s all."
"I won"t ask what you mean by that first remark for fear of finding myself unduly shocked."
"I doubt there"s anything that could shock you."
"You might be surprised. You haven"t met our neighbor, have you?"
"No. Is he shocking? In what way?"
"Forget I mentioned him." He allowed her to pull him to his feet. "Let"s go get slaughtered at the card table by Jack."
"Yes, let"s."
"Another round?" Jack asked nearly two hours later, a gleeful grin on his face as he sc.r.a.ped a huge pile of winnings toward himself across the table.
"No." Leo groaned and tossed down his cards.
"Me either. I"ve been fleeced enough for one day." Lawrence threw his discards after his twin"s.
Edward and Claire did the same, exchanging looks of commiseration.
Leo saw Sebastianne"s eighteen-year-old brother, Julien, follow their lead. He"d been so excited to be included in the adult play, but looked a bit stunned now by his losses.
"Well, don"t look at me. I was out ages ago," Mallory said.
She was settled sideways on the nearby sofa with pillows plumped at her back and her feet propped up, a plate of sweet biscuits balanced on her very pregnant stomach so she wouldn"t have to reach.
During the game, Adam had gotten up between hands to check on her, even though she was less than six feet away. He looked ready to do the same now, but she waved for him to stay in his chair with a soft smile she reserved just for him.
At her feet, on the same sofa, sat Drake. With the table so full of players, he"d been happy to sit out. He was lost in silent reverie, the game clearly the last thing on his mind.
"Told you it would be pure butchery," Leo said, shooting a meaningful look across the table at Esme.
"Of course it was," Grace said from where she stood behind Jack"s chair. Leaning forward, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his temple. "That"s what you all get for playing cards with a sharp."
"If I really were a sharp"-Jack stroked a hand over his wife"s forearm-"I would have played for more than pennies."
"You used to play for very high stakes, remember, darling?" Grace said.
He smiled and looked up into her eyes. "The highest. It"s what brought us together, after all."
"Well, thank heavens you"ve reformed," Esme said. "Otherwise my entire quarter"s allowance would be gone."
"Half my fortune would be written on vowels if we"d been playing for real stakes," Cade said as he gazed down at what was left of his obviously dismal hand.
He sighed and rubbed an absent fist over the old war wound in his thigh. It still caused him to limp even now after nearly a decade.
Meg reached over from where she sat next to Cade. He smiled and raised her hand to his lips.
"I"d have to consider a mortgage on the estate again," Adam remarked with a rueful shake of his dark head. "Although you seemed to hold your own rather well, Sebastianne."
He nodded toward her small pile of coins.