The Drews and Jack Horner lived on the same street: Jack gambled with Hymen and Drew Marguerite, And love for his sole-mate affected his feet.
There ne"er was a "comeback" to poor Jack and Jill; The King followed after them going "down hill,"
And Bo, left alone, is a sheepish maid still.
THE WEIGHT OF LOVE
I was sitting in the parlor With my Sweetheart on my knee, And the fireplace lights and shadows Silhouetted her and me.
Heavy grew she towards the morning, When the gold-fringed sunbeams leap: _She_ was wide awake as ever But my leg was fast asleep.
Flesh is weak and so I shifted My loved load, as best I could, From the numb knee to the other; From the leg of flesh to wood.
Then I felt my Sweetheart shiver, And I realized her state When she drew a white-ash sliver From the leg _articulate_.
DO IT!
Dare to do it!
You"ll not rue it If you save some Human Craft From the rocks where fierce gales blew it, Using Kindness for a raft.
O, dare to do!
Be kind and true To the friends you make thru life; Then High Heaven will reward you With immunity from strife.
If a Lion Were a dyin", Would you go into his lair And attempt to soothe his cryin"?
Do it! Do it, if you _dare_!
AMENITIES
The Parson tied the Hymen knot That made two halves a whole; The while a speculating what Would be his marriage toll.
The Groom, when he had kissed the Bride, Was taken with the chills: Her icy lips could not abide Osculatory thrills.
But soon his fever was effaced; His hand obeyed his will, And in the Parson"s palm he placed A soiled One Dollar Bill.
"Anathema!" the preacher cried,-- "Thou reptile of the Earth!"
The Groom replied--"Then take the Bride!
I think it"s all she"s worth!"
"DANSER SUR UN VULCAN"
Now goeth forth the Swell elite, With patent leathers on his feet; With collar spotless, cuffs to suit, In truth bon-ton, from hat to boot.
A bootblack, with an eye to biz, With dirty hands and ugly phiz, Beholds him as he goes, and throws Banana peels beneath his toes.
Along the pave Adonis trips; He steps upon the peel, and slips Into the juicy gutter: His eyes are filled with fire and ire, But water, muck and mire conspire To drown the words he"d utter.
L"ENVOI
Go where you will, the stars will _shine_, And so will Tony, I opine: But O! the stars Adonis spied When he went "out," a sewerside.
AT THE BULGING UDDER TIME
Years have pa.s.sed since I, an urchin, Drove the Cow, so sleek and prime, Down the path, where crows were perchin"
At the Bulging Udder Time.
Those were days well worth one"s living, When I watched, with joy sublime, What the generous Cow was giving At the Bulging Udder Time.
Later on, when we grew older, Father gave us each a dime-- Me and Bill--to milk and _hold_ her, At the Bulging Udder Time:
But, alas! we came to grieving: Bill was kicked and smeared with grime, And the Cow boo-booed on leaving-- "Come around some _udder_ time!"
VAGARIES
The husky Corn has pushed ahead with silken locks atop; O, Brother, ain"t it shocking?
And Colonels are expecting quite a b.u.mper Bourbon crop-- Saloonward they are flocking!
But when they strip the ears and find the wasteful worms surrounding, "Twill make the "moonshine" dimmer; For ev"ry still has coils of worms illicitly abounding Where sour-mash mixtures simmer.
The hillside Stills their fragrance breathe, and wood birds are a sounding; My jug is in the hollow: So fill it up, but watch your step and Secret Service hounding!
The scent is sweet to follow.
The Cotton Bolls are bursting forth with weevils in the sepals; Come, Dinah, get to picking!
And rush the staple to the mart to clothe the naked peoples!
Or you will get a licking!
The baleful Gins are all prepared to do the fibre-squeezing: Get busy, Ma.s.sa Willie!
And set the weevils back a bit, and save the folks from freezing!
It"s getting powerful chilly!