"i- thanks," he said, looking distinctly uncomfortable his gaze darted around the porch, to the ground, the sky-anywhere but at her. "i hope i can still see her. you know, when you guys move."
"sure. she"ll love it: "
"and i think you should talk to her about sam."
"travis, i know what"s best for mandy."
"you don"t have to tell her about the bigamy, just let her talk about being without him. glenwood is a small town. we don"t have a lot of single parents around here. mandy probably feels different from everyone else she knows."
"i hadn"t thought of that," she admitted. "it makes sense. i"ll talk to her." she drew in a deep breath. she should have seen that on her own. "see, you"re not the only one who questions about parenting skills." would she ever get it right? first she messed up completely by believing sam. now she was concerned about making a mistake with mandy. when would the second-guessing end?
"you"re going to make yourself crazy," he said, taking her in his arms and pulling her toward him. "stop worrying everything is going to be fine."
"but-"
"no" buts,"
" he said, covering her mouth with his finger"that"s enough thinking for tonight. i don"t want you to tax your brain with anything more complex than how wonderful this feels."
he lowered his mouth to hers. she told herself she should stop him. they couldn"t do this again. but it felt too good. too right. his lips were hot against hers. his arms felt strong and safe as he enfolded her against his broadness.
he shifted, pulling her onto hisqlap. of their own accord, her arms reached around his neck. one of his hands slipped up from her thigh to her waist, then to her breast. he touched her curves, stroked the puckering nipple. elizabeth gasped her pleasure and knew that she was seconds from losing control.
she pulled her mouth away from his drugging kisses, away from the pleasure and escape he promised.
"i can"t," she whispered, fighting the tightness in her throat and the screams of protest from her aroused body."
"please don"t make me do this again."
"darlin", no one"s going to make you do anything: " she risked looking up at him. he wasn"t smiling, but he didn"t look angry. "i didn"t mean it like that. oh, travis, you are wonderful and there"s nothing i"d like better than to make love with you tonight."
"but?"
"but i don"t want to fall in love with you or care about you more than i do. if we make love again, i won"t be able to be just friends." she pulled free of his gentle embrace and stepped onto the porch. it was tearing her up inside to leave him, but she knew she had to. for both their sakes.
"i"m doing you a favor," she said, looking down at him, hoping that wasn"t hurt she was seeing in his eyes. "after all, aren"t you the one claiming you don"t want to make another mistake? aren"t you the one who doesn"t want to get involved again?"
chapter twelve.
the question hadn"t left him alone in two days. elizabeth was right-he had told her he didn"t want to get involved again. it went against everything he believed. trying for a long-term relationship was a sure guarantee of heartbreak. not only for himself, but for the woman involved. it would be crazy to start something he didn"t intend to finish. the easiest thing for both he and elizabeth was to stop playing footsie under the table and get on with being friends. at the end of the week, when she was able to drive and her rental house was available to move into, she would go back to her life and he would get on with his. no big deal.
he moved closer to the edge of the soccer field and watched mandy race across the gra.s.s as she chased the elusive ball. she and her new friends squealed with excitement when she connected with her toe. the ball landed far short of the goal, but no one cared, least of all mandy. she raced over to him and grinned.
"did you see me kick it?" she asked, panting.
"you bet." he ruffled her bangs, then gave her a little push. "go back to the game, honey."
"okay, travis: she raced off.
he shoved his hands into his uniform trouser pockets. he was supposed to be taking care of paperwork back at the station. but this morning when elizabeth had asked him if he could take mandy to soccer practice, he hadn"t been able to say no. time was ticking by too quickly and he wanted be with the little girl as much as possible.
he wanted to spend time with her mother, as well, but that was dangerous. and confusing. what the h.e.l.l was going on with him? he should be pleased that elizabeth was well enough to spend the afternoon with rebecca at the office learning about her new job. she was certainly excited enough to be out of the house. but he"d hated dropping her off at the child services center. it wasn"t because he didn"t want her to have a job or be independent, it was that he didn"t like the reminder that she was leaving.
"you thinking about taking on a new coaching job he turned and saw austin walking toward him. as always, his friend was dressed in jeans and cowboy boots. a small gold hoop hung in one earlobe. he looked like a modern-day pirate.
"just baby-sitting," travis said, pointing to mandy. "what about you?"
"one of the deputies told me you"d be out here," austin said, stopping beside him. "i wanted to let you know i"m going to be out of town for a few days."
"vacation?" travis asked, then grinned. to the best of his knowledge austin had never taken a vacation.
"nope. i"m giving a paper at a conference in france. technical stuff. i"ll be gone about five days: " travis nudged his friend with his elbow. "you know what they say about french women, buddy. have a great time."
"are you going to start living vicariously, now that you"ve got the hots for elizabeth?"
travis started to deny the statement, then figured, why bother?"
"you saw?
"sunday, at your place? sure. the way you two were looking at each other, you about set the table on fire."
"it"s more than s.e.x."
"then you"ve got a problem."
travis looked at the field where mandy was in the middle of the young crowd of soccer players. she darted left, the ball went right and she landed on her rump. he could hear her laughter from across the field. involuntarily, he smiled.
"you know anything about being a father?" he asked."
"no."
"me, neither. except i wouldn"t want to be like my old man. i"d want to be more interested in my kids than in other women."
"so be more interested in your kids." "
"as simple as that?"
"why make it hard?"
it made sense, travis thought, in a twisted, austin sort of way. "you have any kids?"
for the first time since they"d started talking austin smiled. "i"m very careful."
"i just bet you are. you don"t want any gold digger getting a part of your money."
austin glanced at the playing field, then looked back at travis. for once his guard wasn"t up and travis was able to see past the usual blankness in his cold gray eyes. somothing ugly and painful flared there. something that made travis want to apologize for ever bringing up relationships, women or kids.
"it"s not the money." the shutters went back down and austin was once again in control. "it"s about belonging."
the best bride 17g austin had never belonged. travis remembered the first day his friend had shown up at the local junior high school. he"d been a skinny misfit of thirteen. within two days he"d been in the middle of four fights and had a rainbow-colored black eye. he"d started an argument with travis, not realizing that messing with one haynes boy had meant getting involved with all four.
travis looked over at the good-looking man next to him and wondered when he"d begun to change. he liked to think it had been at the moment travis had stood with him, against his brothers. he always wondered why he"d done it. maybe it had been the hopelessness he"d seen in austin"s expression, or the fear behind the bravado. craig, down from the local high school had been willing to let austin off the hook, but kyle was too excited about his first fight with his older brothers. jordan, more like austin than any of them, had stood on the outside watching and waiting.
in the end no one could remember what the fight had been about. when the boys" vice princ.i.p.al had come to investigate, the haynes brothers had closed ranks, including austin as one of their own. he"d never forgotten, travis knew. austin hadn"t said anything; he hadn"t had to. even after he"d run away from his foster home and gotten into trouble and been sent away, even when he turned up years later, never once saying where he"d been, even now that he was wealthy enough to live anywhere, he stayed close. travis trusted him as much as he trusted any of his brothers maybe more. austin stayed because he wanted to, rather than simply because of the loyalty of blood.
"you chose not to belong," travis said.
"you chose not to get involved." austin jerked his head toward mandy. "face it, travis, you"ve got it bad for the lady and her little girl. you can run but you can"t hide."
"no. it"s not like that. i"ll admit mandy"s got me by the short hairs. i would do just about anything for that kid. her dad won"t be showing up in her life anytime soon. i want to be there for her. warn her away from guys like you."
austin grinned. "don"t worry. i stay away from the innocents unlike you: " it was true. austin only spent time with women who understood the rules of his game: no involvement. "elizabeth"s not an innocent."
"so you are involved."
travis glared at his friend, then smiled sheepishly. "okay, i"ll admit i"m tempted."
austin glanced at his watch. "i"ve got to get going if i want to make my flight." he turned to leave, then paused and looked back. the afternoon sun caught him full in the face, highlighting his strong features and boring into his gray eyes. for just a second, some emotion flickered there. travis wasn"t sure, but he thought it might be envy.
"you shouldn"t believe it all, buddy," austin said. "what people say about you. sure you had some tough breaks with your dad and all. but it doesn"t have to be like that again. you have a choice. don"t screw it up just because you think that"s all you know: " with that he walked over to his car and climbed in. travis was still staring after him long after he had disappeared down the road. he shook his head and turned his attention back to the game. austin made it sound so d.a.m.n easy. as if he"d wanted to mess up before, just because it was easier. it wasn"t like that. he"d tried with julie. they"d both tried. it hadn"t worked out. despite austin"s feelings to the contrary, travis knew there was too much of his father in him to ever risk anything again.
"we make a sorry group," he muttered to himself. "maybe men are just born stupid about women and love."
he watched mandy sprint across the field and kick the soccer ball. it bounced off the goalie"s shin, over his head and hit the net. there was a moment of stunned silence on the field, then the kids erupted into screams of delight.
mandy caught his eye and grinned victoriously. travis called out his approval.
the coached strolled past him. "are you working with her between practices?" he asked."
"a little."
"it shows. most parents don"t take the time."
travis started to remind the man that mandy wasn"t his child. he shrugged. it would take too long to explain. he worked with mandy because they both enjoyed the time spent together. the fact that it improved her soccer game was just a by-product of the fun. practicing football with his brothers had been one of the best parts of growing up in his family, he remembered. not that their father had spent much time with them.
travis frowned. earl had been kept pretty busy. between his job as sheriff of glenwood, and his extracurricular activities, there hadn"t been a lot of spare time leftover for four growing boys.
without even trying, travis found himself remembering the past. one day in particular, that day in the hardware store, came back to him. he"d seen his own father pick up a woman and take her with him. he"d heard most of their conversation, had winced at the practiced lines, had been shattered and embarra.s.sed as his father had touched a woman who wasn"t his wife. he"d seen the l.u.s.t in earl"s eyes, watched as his father"s big hands, hands too much like his own, had rested on that woman"s back, then slid lower to her backside. he remembered the smiled promise, the way the woman had brushed her b.r.e.a.s.t.s against his father"s arm. he"d seen her nipples hardening to tiny points through her thin tank top. at fourteen, what he"d seen had disgusted him, but the woman"s body had also aroused him. the conflicting feelings had forced him to run away before he confronted his father.
even now, travis could feel the burning in his lungs as he"d run farther and faster than he ever had. away from his father and that woman, away from what was happening to his family, away from his own adolescent desires. he remembered he"d cried that afternoon. alone on the banks of the stream, hidden from everyone by a screen of bushes, he"d sobbed out his heart, crying for the pain of what he"d lost. thinking then it had only been for the loss of his father, knowing now those tears had been for the end of his innocence. he"d never told anyone about that afternoon at the hardware store. his mother hadn"t asked why he didn"t return with the items she"d sent him for. he wondered now if she"d seen the truth in his eyes.
it had been nearly twenty years since that day, but he could still remember every moment. he"d clenched his fists, raising them high toward the heavens, and sworn he would never be like his father. he"d declared that he would never treat a woman like his father treated his mother. he"d sworn to be faithful, no matter what. he"d risked his soul in a pledge of honor to his yet unknown wife. at fourteen he"d a.s.sumed that all emotional problems could be solved if a man didn"t cheat. with the hindsight of adulthood, he knew it wasn"t that simple.
the soccer ball bounced past him, calling him back to the present. he reached over and grabbed it, then threw it back into the fray. the kids were tiring from their practice. a few wandered past the lines marking the playing field. mandy was on the other side of the gra.s.s, kneeling on a stretch of dirt tying one of her shoelaces. someone kicked the ball toward her.
travis saw the bounce of the ball and in that moment, he knew what was going to happen. he started to call out her name, but it was too late. before she"d even risen to her feet, he was partway across the field. she turned toward the ball, grinned and stepped after it. she hadn"t finished tying her laces, though. when she took a step, she caught the loose lace, and tripped. she put out her arms to brace her self for the fall, but her forward momentum was too strong. she hit the dirt, hands and knees first, and went skidding.
the coach was closer and got there first. by the time travis reached her side, she was crying hard enough to break his heart. the coach bent over to help her.
"no!" she screamed, pushing him away. "travis! trav"
he was down beside her in an instant. "i"m here, honey." he gathered her close in his arms.
her small body shook with sobs. he could feel her tears soaking his shirt, but he didn"t care. the other children started to gather around, but the coach shooed them away.
"it"s okay, mandy." he bent over and looked at her knees. dirt caked both of them and the right one was already bleeding.
"i have a first-aid kit," the coach said. "let me get it: " mandy looked up at him. her pretty round face was blotchy and damp. her long lashes had spiked together and her blue eyes were filled with tears. her breathing came in gasps, between the sobs.
"i-i h-hurt my h-hand," she said, as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. he looked at her palms. they were sc.r.a.ped and b.l.o.o.d.y, with bits of dirt and small pebbles stuck to the skin.
"oh, baby. i bet it stings, huh? i"m going to give you a magic hug to help, then we"ll get you cleaned up: "
"m-make it really b-big magic, okay?" she said, clinging to him.
as he hugged her for all he was worth, the pressure in his chest grew. d.a.m.n, he didn"t want anything to hurt this little girl ever. unfortunately, reality was going to get in the way of that desire. he couldn"t control the future, but he could control keeping her a part of his life.
he picked her up in his arms and carried her over to the water fountain. there was a small hose attached to the middle of the pipe. he stood mandy up and took off her shoes and socks; then he turned on the tap and grabbed the hose.
"this is going to be cold," he warned, hoping it was cold enough to numb some of the stinging.
she stood bravely as he hosed off her knees. the dirt came out easily. her hands took a little more work, but he was able to get them clean without having to hurt her more. the coach handed him a towel to dry her off, some antiseptic and a few bandages. by the time mandy had stopped crying, she was patched up and ready to go home.
he knelt before her on the muddy ground, not caring that he was ruining his uniform trousers. she sniffed, then wiped her eyes.
"i need another hug," she said, holding out her arms.
he pulled her close. the tears started up again, but he knew they were more from shock than from pain. "it"ll be okay," he whispered. "i promise."
her body was slight against his chest. her little-girl scent-part dirt, part sunshine-made him want to smile. the trust implicit in her embrace twisted in his chest like a dagger. he was probably ten different kinds of fool, but he couldn"t let her go.
he and his brothers had decided long ago that cops made lousy fathers. the hours were long, the interruptions unavoidable for all his thirty-four years he"d believed that as much as he" dbelieved in the existence of gravity.
but as mandy clung to him with her sobs breaking his heart, he knew he couldn"t believe it any longer. not when he remembered his own father. no one had forced his old man to pick up that woman in the hardware store. no crime, or criminal had been the reason he"d come home late every night smelling of s.e.x and booze. earl haynes had decided early that his right in life was to have lots of women, his wife and family be d.a.m.ned. he had chosen.
travis swallowed hard. it had been a decision on his father"s part. not genes, not an unavoidable family curse.
earl had chosen his destiny. and he"d used his position as sheriff to hide away from his real responsibilities to his family.
travis didn"t want to risk hope and then have it blow up in his face, but mandy wasn"t leaving him a lot of options. in the past few weeks she"d stolen her way into his heart. he couldn"t cut her out now. if it was a matter of choice, he could choose a different path from the old man"s. after all, craig was a great father. travis could be one, too.
mandy released him and stepped back. she smiled and wiped her face. "that was a magic hug," she said. "i feel better. can we get ice cream before we pick up mommy?"