"i"ve made others." rebecca leaned back in her chair and tucked her long curling black hair behind her can."
"i"ve made plenty of mistakes. one thing they"ve all taught me is that the way to learn from them is to get on with your life. hiding out accomplishes nothing."
"is that what you think i"m doing? " elizabeth demanded her friend looked at her steadily. "yes, i do."
"you don"t know what it was like."
"you"re right. i don"t. so what? it"s over, elizabeth.
travis isn"t sam. you"re losing a good man because you"re terrified of making the same mistake again. here"s a news flash. everyone makes mistakes. and everyone gets to deal with making at least one huge one. forgive yourself and get on with your life."
"you make it sound so easy."
"you make it sound so hard. it doesn"t have to be."
elizabeth sipped from her coffee. after the play travis had stayed long enough to congratulate mandy and to warn the girl he wouldn"t be able to stay for the entire soccer game the following sat.u.r.day. elizabeth had offered to bring her home instead. they"d made the arrangements, then had parted. it had been so civilized, she"d wanted to scream. she didn"t want calm, rational conversation with travis. she wanted the pa.s.sion.
"it"s difficult to give up hiding once you"ve learned how," she said quietly."
"i know. but you have to try. " rebecca leaned across the table and squeezed her hand. " if you don"t forgive yourself and get on with what"s important, you"ll have paid the highest price of all."
elizabeth sighed. "i"ll have lost travis: "
"worse. you"ll have lost yourself."
elizabeth stood in the silence of her small house. it was lunchtime and mandy was still at school. buster was asleep on his bed in the corner of her daughter"s room.
normally, being alone was a pleasure. she reveled in the quiet, knowing it would soon explode into childish laughter, the sounds of the television and buster"s high-pitched barking. today she found no peace.
the pain in her heart hadn"t gone away. if anything, it had grown, along with her sense of failure. she gripped her purse tightly in her hands and stared at the living room. when she"d left sam, she"d been so sure she"d made the right decision. she"d protected herself and her child and had sworn to never make that kind of mistake again. she"d promised herself never to be emotionally vulnerable to love.
had that been the lesson sam"s deception should have taught her?
she walked into the kitchen and studied the calendar pinned to the wall. mandy had marked all her soccer games. tomorrow travis would arrive early and take the girl to breakfast. they woqild leave, laughing with each other. elizabeth knew she would stand at the window and watch travis smile at her daughter. she would feel the loss when he touched her easily, perhaps even carrying her piggyback style to the car. she envied her daughter"s relationship with travis. elizabeth shook her head and wondered when she"d become a fool.
next to the calendar was a bulletin board. several of mandy"s cla.s.s projects had been pinned up, as had a postcard from elizabeth"s parents. they were back from their trip. they"d called a couple of weeks ago to tell her all about the orient. elizabeth had listened politely and had avoided questions about her personal life. she"d never had the courage to tell them the truth about sam. her parents sensed something was wrong, but they wouldn"t ask. she couldn"t tell them the truth. they wouldn"t understand how she could have been so stupid. elizabeth tossed her purse on the small table and balled up her fists. d.a.m.n him. she was tired of living only half her life.
it wasn"t an emotional connection that kept her tied to the past. she knew that much. her feelings for sam had faded over the years. i, looking back with the perfect vision of hindsight, she could see that she"d never loved him. he"d charmed her, showing up in her life just as she was ready to spread her wings.
so why couldn"t she let go? she glanced down at her hands and slowly straightened them. her finger were bare. for over six years she"d worn a wedding band. she"d thought she was married. mrs. sam proctor. it had all been a lie. that"s what she couldn"t let go. being married had been part of her ident.i.ty. it"s as if she"d lost part of herself when she"d learned the truth. her world had exploded, nothing had been as it seemed. she"d been left empty and broken, feeling as if she"d spent her whole life being a fool.
and lonely, she thought suddenly. very, very lonely. sam had kept her isolated from the world. he hadn"t wanted her to work or have friends. now she knew it was his way of making sure he controlled the game. she"d finally defied him and started working. that had given her a measure of independence, but hadn"t taken away the feelings of isolation she"d spent her entire marriage being on her own.
she stepped closer to the bulletin board and touched one of mandy"s drawings. it was a duplicate of the one she"d done for travis. three stick figures stood in front of a white house. her daughter had even drawn in a puppy. the sight of the brightly colored picture made her smile. mandy was going to be all right. even as her world had been falling apart, elizabeth had made sure she"d been there for her daughter. her smile turned wry. of course she"d had six years practice of being a single parent. with sam gone so much, most of the responsibility had fallen on her shoulders she knew she was capable of making it all work out.
so what was she trying to prove?
the thought came out of nowherq and stunned her. what was she trying to prove? that she was strong enough to make it on her own? she knew that already. that she had to punish herself for making a mistake? maybe. she should have known. she should have seen the clues. she should"stop!" she said out loud. "just stop."
she hadn"t known. she hadn"t thought to look for clues. did that make her a bad person? was rebecca right? did everyone get one free big mistake? was it time to let the whole thing go?
her gaze drifted from mandy"s picture to the postcard her parents had sent. the feeling of loneliness swept over her again. she realized how much she hated hiding from them, hiding from the world. she"d been so worried about what everyone would think that she"d allowed the fear to rule her life. she"d left herself with no support to get her through the rough times.
without giving herself time to talk herself out of it, she walked to the phone and picked up the receiver. she dialed from memory."
"h.e.l.lo?"
"hi, mom. it"s me."
her mother laughed with delight. "your father and i have missed you, honey," the older woman said. "how have you been?"
elizabeth felt the hot tears flood her eyes and flow down her cheeks. she leaned against the wall and twisted the cord in her fingers. "not that great, mom. i have some things to tell you. about sam. i don"t know how to say this. i"m so sorry. i never meant to disappoint you. it turns out-"
"just a minute, dear. before you say another word, you don"t have to apologize for anything to either me or your father. we love you, no matter what. do you want us to fly out and be with you? we could get a flight today."
elizabeth sank into a kitchen chair and smiled through her tears. "no. you don"t have to. mandy and i are okay. but thanks for offering." she drew in a deep breath to tell the rest of her story and realized she"d spoken the truth. she was okay. probably for the first time in years.
"you"re not eating," mandy said, waving her fork at travis"s full plate. "don"t you like the pancakes?"
"i"m just not hungry." he winked at the little girl. "you sure wanted your breakfast, though: "
mandy looked down at her half-eaten meal. a thin pancake wrapped around a sausage was all that was left of everything she"d ordered. "i was hungry. i went to bed early, so i could sleep a lot. mommy says i need to be rested to do good at my game. i"m going to score a goal: "
"i bet you are."
she chatted about school and all her friends. he studied her small face, loving the way her eyes lighted up with her stories. her hair was pulled into two pigtails. a red ribbon, matching her red-and-white soccer uniform, had been tied on each end. her fresh-scrubbed face looked innorent and trusting.
he sipped from his coffee cup and tried to control the emotions swelling up inside of him. he adored this little girl. he missed the sound of her laughter and her cartoons, the endless questions, the way she crawled into his lap and demanded a story. he missed being loved by her.
he knew she still cared about him. they had planned several activities together over the next few weeks, but it wasn"t the same as living with her. or her mother.
d.a.m.n, he didn"t want to think about elizabeth. but he couldn"t help himself. staring at mandy, knowing most of her features came from her father, he still saw traces of the woman he loved in her face. loving and losing mandy had broken his heart. i. oving and losing elizabeth was killing him.
the h.e.l.l of it was he didn"t know what to do. he couldn"t think of any more words to convince her. he knew rebecca had been right in telling him this was elizabeth"s problem and not his. knowing the truth didn"t stop him from wanting to fix everything. he couldn"t, though. no one would tell him exactly what to fix. louise preached patience and cooked his favorite meals. neither made him forget. he"d tried words, he"d tried making love, he"d even tried giving elizabeth that d.a.m.ned detective"s report. nothing had worked, and he"d run out of ideas.
"mommy called grandma yesterday," mandy said, then nibbled on her sausage. "she told me."
"that"s nice," he said, then frowned. hadn"t elizabeth mentioned she didn"t talk to her parents much because she was ashamed? she hadn"t even told them the truth about sam. a flicker of hope sparked in his chest, but he doused it with cold, wet reality. calling her parents didn"t mean anything.
"they"re coming to visit us at the end of the month. grandma"s going to take me out for halloween."
"are you sure?" he asked.
mandy nodded vigorously, her blond pigtails bouncing against her shoulders. "i talked to her last night. i"m going to be a fairy princess."
a phone call was one thing, a visit quite another. if they were coming out, elizabeth would have to tell them the truth. maybe she already had.
hope threatened again. travis did his best to ignore it. so what? they were her parents. she still hadn"t contacted him in any way. this morning, when he"d driven up to get mandy, she"d sent the girl outside without giving him more than a brief, impersonal wave.
mandy put her fork down and looked at him. something in her big blue eyes made him give her his full attention" what wrong? " he asked.
"are you and mommy fighting?"
he didn"t have an answer for that one. they weren"t angry at each other, but they sure weren"t getting along. "why do you ask?"
mandy shrugged. "mommy was crying last night. i heard her after i went to bed."
his gut clenched into a hard knot. rather than give in to the impulse to jump up and find elizabeth, he gripped the table. it wasn"t his fault she was crying. if she wanted his comfort, she knew where to find him. he"d already told her he loved her. what else was there to say?
"we"re not fighting," he told the little girl. although he wasn"t sure he hadn"t made her cry.
mandy seemed relieved. he changed the subject. "i told you i can"t stay for the whole game," he reminded her. "i have to work this afternoon."
"i know," she said, nodding. "i"ll score my goal early, okay?"
he leaned across the table and ruffled her bangs."
"you do that,. kid: " they left the restaurant and he drove them to the park. most of the parents and children were already there. mandy ran off to join her team. travis walked to the edge of the field and stared at the players. he didn"t want to look around and sea elizabeth. if there was any lingering trace of her tears, he would feel obligated to ask what was wrong. maybe it was weak of him, but he couldn"t face her shutting him down again. he needed a little time to let the wounds heal.
apparently she didn"t share his feelings. he"d barely been there a minute when he inhaled the soft scent of a familiar perfume. his body reacted instantly. his groin flooded with heat and his chest tightened.
"hi, travis: " "
"elizabeth." he forced himself to look at her. she wore an oversize blue sweater over jeans. her hair was loose and shiny in the autumn morning. all traces of tears were long gone. her brown eyes glowed with something, but it wasn"t pain or unhappiness. he wanted to believe it had something to do with him, or at the very least, was the result of talking to her parents, but his luck wasn"t that good. he glanced around the field. there were several single men here. any one of them could have put that special light in her eyes.
he wanted to ask about her parents and what had prompted her to call. he wanted to tell her how much he loved her and beg her to come back to him. he wanted to hold her in his arms until he convinced her that they belonged together. he did none of those things. he couldn"t move, couldn"t breathe, couldn"t do anything but endure the heartache of knowing what could have been.
"mandy mentioned you"ll be leaving early," she said.
"yes. can you take her home?"
"of course: her gaze met and held his own. he tried to read her emotions, but he couldn"t. just as well, he thought, turning away. what was there to see?
"i"ve got to go," he said abruptly and walked away."
"travis?"
he kept on going. if he moved fast enough, maybe the pain wouldn"t be able to catch up with him.
elizabeth stared at travis"s retreating back. the hurt and hunger in his eyes had left her with tangible wounds. she could feel the ache pouring through her body. every part of her screamed at her to take a chance. one small risk. he wasn"t sam. he wasn"t lying about anything in his life. he"d told her the unvarnished tcuth about himself, his past and his family. she"d seen his shame when he"d talked about his father. travis had even risked telling her he loved her. he had no secrets left.
she took a step after him, then paused. could she risk it? what about the mistakes she"d made?
"take a chance."
elizabeth spun on her heel and found rebecca standing behind her. "what are you doing here?" she asked.
"one of the kids from the children"s home is playing. i thought i"d come watch and show support: rebecca stared at her."
"elizabeth, this may be your last opportunity. don"t be a fool: " "
"i can"t: elizabeth closed her eyes."
"i can"t risk-" her eyes flew open. she clasped her hand over her mouth, then dropped her arm to her side. "i can"t risk losing him, can i? what have i been thinking? travis haynes is the best thing that ever happened to me."
rebecca grinned. "finally. he went that away." she raised one finger and pointed.
elizabeth hurried off in that direction. she scanned the growing crowd but there was no tall man in a stetson anywhere she stopped and looked toward the parking lot. her heart sank. the sheriff"s car was gone. travis had left.
disappointment dragged at her. now what? should she wait until he came off his shift? she shook her head. no, she couldn"t wait another minute. they"d both suffered for too long.
she ran to a phone on the edge of the park. dialing quickly, she shifted her weight from foot to foot. finally the phone rang."
"sheriff"s office."
it wasn"t travis, but the voice was familiar. "kyle?"
"yes."
"hi, it"s elizabeth abbott. i"m looking for travis. is he around?"
there was a pause. she bit her lower lip. maybe travis had told his brother about her behavior. if so, kyle might not want to help her. oh, but he had to.
"he"s subbing for one of the deputies. he"s qut on patrol, giving out tickets."
"oh, then i"ll never find him: "
"i don"t know about that. is this good news?"
she clutched the metal cord. "very good news, kyle. the best news: "
"he"s been walking around here like a kicked dog."
"i know. i"m sorry about that."
"he deserves something wonderful, elizabeth." kyle"s voice got husky. "he"s a good man."
"i know. believe me, i know. i need to find him before it"s too late."
there was a pause; then kyle said, "do you remember where he stopped you that first day?"
"yes."
the best bride ? a3 "he always parks in the same place. the locals know to avoid him. if you go now you"ll be able to find him: " she thought for a second. "i have to wait until the soccer game is over. i can"t leave mandy alone."
"i"ll be by in five minutes to get her."
"you"d do that for me?"