"There"s something, though. Don"t be offended, will you, if I say that you don"t seem to be quite yourself to-day; not quite natural. I miss a rather characteristic expression of yours. You"ve never once looked at me with that rather tolerating air you used to put on."
"It was a horrid air," she said sharply. "I"ve made up my mind to cure myself of it."
"Oh! no, don"t," he protested. "It wasn"t at all horrid. It was--don"t think I"m trying to pay you a compliment--it was, well, charming. I"ve missed it dreadfully."
She turned and looked at him, determined to try an experiment. "This sort of air, do you mean?" she asked, and with a sickening sensation of presenting the very gestures and appearance of her aunt, she regarded him under lowered eyelids with an expression of faintly supercilious approval.
His smile at once thanked and answered her.
"But it"s an abominable look," she exclaimed. "The look of an old, old, painted woman, vain, ridiculous."
He stared at her in amazement. "How absurd!" he protested. "Why, it"s _you_; and you"re certainly not old or painted nor unduly vain, and no one could say you were ridiculous."
"And you want me to look like that?" she asked.
"It"s--it"s so _you_," he said shyly.
"But, just suppose," she cried, "that I went on looking like that after I"d grown old and ugly. Think how hateful it would be to see a hideous old woman posturing and pretending and making eyes. And, you see, if one gets a habit, it"s so hard to get rid of it. Think of me at seventy, all painted and powdered, trying to seem as if I hadn"t altered and really believing that I hadn"t."
He laughed that pleasant, kind laugh of his which had been one of the first things in him that had so attracted her.
"Oh! I"ll chance the future," he said. "Besides if--if it could ever happen that--that your growing old came to me gradually, that I should be seeing you every day, I mean, I shouldn"t notice it. I should be old too; and _I_ should think you hadn"t altered either." He was afraid, as yet, to be too plain spoken, but his tone made it quite clear that he asked for no greater happiness than that of seeing her grow old beside him.
She did not pretend to misunderstand him. "Would you? Perhaps you would," she said. "But, all the same, I don"t think you need insist on that particular--pose."
He pa.s.sed that by, too eager at the moment to claim the concession she had offered him. "Is there any hope that I may be allowed to--to watch you growing old?" he asked.
"Perhaps--if you"ll let me do it in my own way," Rachel said.
Adrian shyly took her hand. "You mean that you will--that you don"t mind?" He put the question as if he had no doubt of its intelligibility--to her.
She nodded.
"When did you begin to know?" he asked, awed by the wonder of this stupendous thing that had happened to him.
"From the beginning, I think," Rachel murmured.
"So did I, from the very beginning--" he agreed, and from that they dropped into sacred reminiscences and comparisons concerning the innumerable things they had adoringly seen in each other and had had as yet no opportunity to glory in.
And in the midst of all these new and bewildering, embarra.s.sing, delightful revelations and discoveries, Rachel completely forgot the shadow that was haunting her, forgot how she looked or felt or acted, forgot that there was or had ever been a terrible old woman who lived in Tavistock Square and whose hold on life was maintained by her horrible mimicry of youth. And then, in a moment, she was lifted out of her dream and cruelly set down on the hard, unsympathetic earth by the sound of her lover"s voice.
"I suppose I"ll have to meet your aunt?" he was saying. "Shall we go back there now, and tell her?"
Rachel flushed, as if he had suggested some startling invasion of her secret life. "Oh! no," she e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed impulsively.
Adrian looked his surprise. "But why not?" he asked. "I"m--I"m a perfectly respectable, eligible party."
"I wasn"t thinking of that," Rachel said.
"Is she a terrible dragon?" he inquired with a smile.
Rachel shook her head, rejecting the excuse offered in favour of a more probable modification. "She"s odd rather. She might prefer my giving her some kind of notice," she said.
He accepted that without hesitation. "Will you warn her then?" he replied. "And I"ll come and do my duty to-morrow. I understand she"s a lady to be propitiated."
"Not to-morrow," Rachel said.
The irk and disgust of it all had returned to her with renewed force at the first mention of her aunt"s name. The thought of Miss Deane had revived the repulsive sense of acting, speaking, looking like that aged caricature of herself. Yet she wanted strangely enough, to get back to Tavistock Square; for only there, it seemed to her, was she safe from the examination of an inquisitive stare that might at any moment penetrate her secret and reveal her as a posturing hag masquerading in the alluring freshness of a young girl.
"I ought to be going back to her now," she said.
"But you promised that we should have tea together," Adrian remonstrated.
"Yes, I know; but please don"t pester me. I"ll see you again to-morrow," Rachel returned with a touch of elderly hauteur. And, despite all his entreaties, she would not be persuaded to change her mind. Already he was looking at her with a touch of suspicion, she thought; and as she checked his remonstrances, she was aware of doing it with the air, the tone, the very look that were her inheritance from endless generations of precisely similar ancestors.
IV
If she could but have lived a double life, Rachel thought, her present position might have been endurable, and then, in a few months or even weeks, the problem would be solved for ever by her marriage with Adrian and the final obliteration of Miss Deane from her memory. But she could not live a double life. Day by day, as her intimacy with her aunt increased, Rachel found it more difficult to forget her when she was away from Tavistock Square. In the deepest and most beautiful moments of her intercourse with Adrian, she was aware now of practising upon him a subtle deception, of pretending that she was other than she was in reality--an awareness that was constantly p.r.i.c.ked and stimulated by the continually growing consciousness of her likeness to Miss Deane.
Miss Deane on her part evidently took a great pleasure in her niece"s society. The fortnight of her original invitation had already been exceeded, but she would not hear of Rachel"s return to Devonshire.
"Why should you go back?" she demanded scornfully. "Your father doesn"t want you--Richard is one of those slip-shod people who prefer to live alone. I used to try to stir him up, and he ran away from me. He"ll run away from you, my dear, in a few years" time. He hasn"t the courage to stand up to women like us."
Miss Deane unquestionably wanted her niece to stay with her. She was even beginning to hint at the desirability of making the present arrangement a permanent one.
Rachel, however, was not flattered by this display of pleasure in her society. She knew that it was due to no individual charm of her own, but to the fact that she had become her aunt"s mirror. For Miss Deane no longer, in Rachel"s presence at least, gazed at herself in the looking-gla.s.s; she gazed at her niece instead. And as Rachel endured the posings and simperings, the alternate adoration and fond contempt with which her aunt regarded her, she was unable to resist the impulse to reflect them. Every day she fell a little lower in that weakness, and however slight the likeness had once been, she knew that now it must be patent to every observer. She copied her aunt, mimicked, duplicated her. It was easier to do that than fight the resemblance, against her aunt"s determination; and so, by unnoticed degrees, she had permitted herself to become a lay figure upon which was dressed the image of Miss Deane"s youth. She had even come to desire the look of almost sensual gratification on her aunt"s face when she saw her niece so perfectly reflecting her own well-remembered airs.
And Rachel, too, had come to avoid the looking-gla.s.s, dreading to see there the poses and gesticulations of the old, repulsive woman whose every feature and expression had become so sickeningly familiar.
And, in all that time, Adrian had not once been to the house in Tavistock Square. Rachel had kept him away by what she felt had become all too transparent excuses. That terror, at least, she felt must be kept at bay. For she could not conceive it possible that, once he had seen her and her aunt together, he could retain one spark of his admiration. He would, he must, see her then as she was, see that her contemptible vanity was the essential enduring thing, all that would remain when time had stripped her of youth"s allurement.
Nevertheless, the day came when Rachel could no longer endure to deceive him. He had challenged her, at last, with hiding something from him. Inevitably, he had become increasingly curious about her strange reticences concerning the Miss Deane whom he, in turn, had grown to regard as almost mythical; and all his suppressed suspicions had suddenly found expression in a question.
"What are you hiding? Do you really live with your aunt in Tavistock Square?" he had asked that day, with all the fierce intensity of a jealous lover.
Rachel had been stirred to a quick response. "Oh, if you don"t believe me, you"d better come and see for yourself," she had said. "Come this afternoon--to tea." And afterwards, even when Adrian had humbly sought to make amends for his unwarrantable jealousy, she had stuck to that invitation. The moment that she had issued it, she had had a sense of relief, a sense of having gratefully confessed her weakness. Adrian"s visit would consummate that confession, and thereafter she would have no further secrets from him. And if he found that he could no longer love her after he had seen her as she was, well, it would be better in the end than that he should marry a simulacrum and make the discovery by slow degrees.
"Yes, come this afternoon. We"ll expect you about four" had been her last words to him. And, now, she had to tell her aunt, who was still unaware that such a person as Adrian Flemming existed. Rachel postponed the telling until after lunch. Her knowledge of Miss Deane, though in some respects it equalled her knowledge of her own mind, did not tell her how her aunt would take this particular piece of news. She might possibly, Rachel thought, be annoyed, fearful lest her beloved looking-gla.s.s should be stolen from her. But she could wait no longer.
In half an hour Miss Deane would go upstairs to rest, and Adrian himself would be in the house before she appeared again.
"I"ve something to tell you, aunt," Rachel began abruptly.
Miss Deane put up her lorgnette and surveyed her lovely portrait with an interested air.
"Aunt--I"ve never told you and I know I ought to have," Rachel blurted out. "But I"m--I"m engaged to a Mr. Adrian Flemming, and he"s coming here to call on you--to call on us, this afternoon at four o"clock."
Miss Deane closed her eyes and gave a little sigh.
"You might have given me _rather_ longer notice, dear," she said.