"No, it"s but one machine," a softer dreamier voice, mournful as a breeze through dead leaves, cut in on me. The adolescent wraith with hair like blond spiderweb, who was Ma"s poet genius and my youngest brother Harry, came drifting in from the bed-closets as if blown rather than walking. I could tell from the light-year look in his blue eyes that he"d conned his remedial psycher out of some pills.
He went on, "The whole Earth is one great metal machine, a dull steel marble amongst the aggies and gla.s.sies of the other planets. If anyone ever went out there with earth-eyes and not a s.p.a.ceman"s, he"d see it rolling along, over and over, like a great silver shop-made tumblebug spotted with cities and wet here and there with oceans, blinking the eyes of its ice-caps and smoking its volcanos and folding and unfolding its harrow-footed s.p.a.ce-crazy legs in time with the phases of the moon. And if you looked real close you"d see millions of fleas jumpin" off it and beginning the long fall to the nadir."
At that moment the TV jumped to a 24-hour satellite starward of Terra and showed us the whole moonlit Earth backed by the Milky Way, as if snared by a diamond-dewy spiderweb. Ma squeaked a proud sigh at Harry"s words thus coming out ill.u.s.trated.
"Will you take the job?" Tom rasped at me.
"Tomorrow I will for sure," I told him. "And that"s all the answer you"ll ever get from me-tomorrow or any other day."
Ma tapped her hoof and flashed a rageful eye at me. "Tom," she said to him, "if Meaghan scorns it, how about Harry? Think of it, Harry, you always claim you want to be alone. Roaming those cool tunnels and sewers all by yourself except for some witless machine you"ll catch onto in ten minutes. You"ll have all the time and quiet in the world to create your poetry. Why, underground your poetry will sprout like roots, I"m sure, and run fast as crabgra.s.s."
"Ma," Harry said, "sooner than take that job I"d head for Beats-ville today rather than tomorrow."
"You wouldn"t do that, Harry," Ma wailed menacingly. "Tell me you wouldn"t." Ma"s always prided herself that no matter how slum-tike we live and close to Beatsville, we"d never get there. In Beats-ville they pretend even worse than in the suburbs, pretend to be supermen and pretend to be animals, and creep each night to the electrified boundary to pick up the food and drink left for them.
But Harry nodded again and then Ma began yelling at Tom that he was trying to break up what was left of her family, having splintered himself off first. Whitey came alive and flapped his hands at her cautiously, like a torero ready to jump the fence. I slitted my eyes as if I were falling asleep. Tom got red as Ma and said the h.e.l.l with us, he was going for good. So Ma stamped this way and that, now roaring at Harry and me for our sloth, now bellowing at Tom for his disloyalty. Then she lifted her arms to heaven and froze.
At that instant the beetle-man popped into the doorway and pointed his antennae at her. No one saw him but me.
Tom"s face grew redder and he gave a snort and turned on his heel toward the door just as the beetle-man ducked out of sight. Tom had no sooner stamped out than the beetle-man popped in again be-hind him, waving a gray-black transparency he"d whipped from his black belly-box.
"Mrs. Henley," he piped rapidly, "I got a perfect shot of all your insides, but that"s all that"s perfect about it. You must come to the clinic right away with me. Your heart"s like a watermelon and your aorta and pulmonary like summer squash." He waggled a finger at me. "Diagnosis by a medspector is permissible hi dire emergencies."
Ma"s face went purple. At that instant I felt the building quiver from the top down and a heartbeat later something burst through the awning and struck Tom as if he were a very thick spike and it a hammer driving him into the ground.
Ma screamed a great single scream and took a step forward and then stiffened and fell back, and I caught her in my arms and lowered her to the floor and pillowed her head. Outside I could hear the beetle-man buzzing into his neckphone for an ambulance like the fool he was-for Tom"s head was smashed to the neck. Then I was wondering how Tom"s blood could have got on Ma, for there was blood on her chest and then more and more of it, like a bull fallen from the final thrust and pumping his heart out, and then I realized it was Ma"s blood from her lungs, gurgling with her Cheyne-Stokes breathing.
Whitey came fluttering down at her other side.
Harry was standing looking at us and he was trembling, and then we heard the siren far off, and then another, and then the two of them coming closer fast, and as they came closer and their angry wailing grew louder, Harry began to tremble more, and as their sound burst into the open of the razed blocks, he cried, "I"m off to Beatsville," and he was sprinting by the time he went through the door.
I knew what was coming, although there was nothing I could do but hold Ma. Then I knew that what was coming had come, for there was a shout and a great squealing of brakes and a scream and a thud and the brakes still squealing.
Then Ma stopped breathing, but she still looked angry.
It was a long time before anyone came in. I went on holding Ma and wiping her face clean, though it stayed red for all that. I heard one ambulance leave and then the other. Finally a doctor came in, and the beetle-man too, and the doctor looked at Ma and shook his head and said that if only she"d been medchecked regularly it need never have happened, but I told him, "You didn"t know Ma." And the beetle-man buzzed into his neckphone for an ambulance back.
I said chokily, "She died brave, charging the muleta dead on, and I"m d.a.m.ned if I"ll award society a single hoof of her, let alone the horns or the tail." No one got it. The beetle-man eyed me and took a surrept.i.tious note.
Then for a while I was signing papers and listening to this and that, but finally they were all gone, the living and dead, and I was alone with Whitey and I remembered we ought to tell d.i.c.k.
The TV was showing a great musical review with hundreds of highly talented actors and actresses, all of them seven-job folk and this the eighth job for all of them. Flights of smiles were going back and forth across the screen, like seagulls wheeling at sunset.
The concrete cornflakes were still pattering on the awning. I marched us straight under the hole the rock had made that killed Tom, and they pelted on our hair and shoulders and necks like feathery hail.
We climbed the flake-drift and I paused and turned around. The giant centipedes were busily crawling back and forth, the one swinging aside most cleverly to let the other pa.s.s. They"d chewed their way here and there down to the second floor.
I looked down to our shadowed doorway with the faintest flicker of TV still coming out of it, and I thought I"d like to drive a nail a mile long down through the center of that room, pinning it there forever, and engrave in the head of the nail, in letters a foot deep, "A Family Lived Here."
But that was a little beyond the scope of my engineering, so, pushing Whitey ahead of me, off I went to tell d.i.c.k, laughing and crying.
America The Beautiful
I AM RETURNING to England. I am shorthanding this, July 5, 2000, aboard the Dallas-London rocket as it arches silently out of the diffused violet daylight of the stratosphere into the eternally star-spangled purpling night of the ionosphere.
I have refused the semester instructorship in poetry at UTD, which would have munificently padded my honorarium for delivering the Lanier Lectures and made me for four months second only to the Poet in Residence.
And I am almost certain that I have lost Emily, although we plan to meet in London in a fortnight if she can w.a.n.gle the stopover on her way to take up her Peace Corps command in Niger.
I am not leaving America because of the threat of a big war. I believe that this new threat, like all the rest, is only another move, even if a long and menacing queen"s move, in the game of world politics, while the little wars go endlessly on in Chad, Czechoslovakia, Sumatra, Siam, Baluchistan, and Bolivia as America and the Communist League firm their power boundaries.
And I am certainly not leaving America because of any hara.s.sment as a satellitic neutral and possible spy. There may have been surveillance of my actions and lectures, but if so it was as impalpable as the checks they must have made on me in England before granting me visiting clearance. The U.S. intelligence agencies have become almost incredibly deft in handling such things. And I was entertained in America more than royally-I was made to feel at home by a family with a great talent for just that.
No, I am leaving because of the shadows. The shadows everywhere in America, but which I saw most clearly in Professor Gris-sim"s serene and lovely home. The shadows which would irresistibly have gathered behind my instructor"s lectern, precisely as I was learning to dress with an even trimmer and darker reserve while I was a guest at the Grissims" and even to shower more frequently. The shadows which revealed themselves to me deepest of all around Emily Grissim, and which I could do nothing to dispel.
I think that you, or at least I, can see the shadows in America more readily these days because of the very clean air there. Judging only from what I saw with my own eyes in Texas, the Americans have completely licked their smog problem. Their gently curving freeways purr with fast electric cars, like sleek and disciplined silver cats. Almost half the nation"s power comes from atomic reactors, while the remaining coal-burning plants loose back into the air at most a slight shimmer of heat. Even the streams and rivers run blue and unsmirched again, while marine life is returning to the eastern Great Lakes. In brief, America is beautiful, for with the cleanliness, now greater than that of the Dutch, has come a refinement in taste, so that all buildings are gracefully shaped and disposed, while advertis.e.m.e.nts, though molding minds more surely than ever, are restrained and almost finicalry inoffensive.
The purity of the atmosphere was strikingly brought to my notice when I debarked at Dallas rocketport and found the Grissims waiting for me outdoors, downwind of the landing area. They made a striking group, all of them tall, as they stood poised yet familiarly together: the professor with his grizzled hair still close-trimmed in military fashion, for he had served almost as long as a line officer and in s.p.a.ce services as he had now as a university physicist; his slim, white-haired wife; Emily, like her mother in the cla.s.sic high-waisted, long-skirted Directoire style currently fashionable; and her brother Jack, in his dress pale grays with sergeant"s stripes, on furlough from Siam.
Their subdued dress and easy att.i.tudes reminded me of a patrician Roman"s toga dropping in precise though seemingly accidental folds.
The outworn cliche about America being Rome to England"s Greece came irritatingly to my mind.
Introductions were made by the professor, who had met my father at Oxford and later seen much of him during the occupation of Britain throughout the Three Years" Alert. I was surprised to find their diction almost the same as my own. We strolled to their electric station wagon, the doors of which opened silently at our approach.
I should have been pleased by the simple beauty of the Grissims, as by that of the suburban landscape through which we now sped, especially since my poetry is that of the Romantic Revival, which looks back to Keats and Sh.e.l.ley more even than to Shakespeare. Instead, it rubbed me the wrong way. I became uneasy and within ten minutes found myself beginning to talk bawdy and make nasty little digs at America.
They accepted my rudeness in such an unshocked, urbane fashion, demonstrating that they understood though did not always agree with me, and they went to such trouble to a.s.sure me that not all America was like this, there were still many ugly stretches, that I soon felt myself a fool and shut up. It was I who was the cra.s.s Roman, I told myself, or even barbarian.
Thereafter Emily and her mother kept the conversation going easily and soon coaxed me back into it, with the effect of smoothing the grumbling and owlish young British poet"s ruffled feathers.
The modest one storey, shaded by slow-shedding silvery eucalyptus and mutated chaparral, which was all that showed of the Grissim home, opened to receive our fumeless vehicle. I was accompanied to my bedroom-and-study, served refreshments, and left there to polish up my first lecture. The scene in the view window was so faithfully transmitted from the pickup above, the air fresher if possible than that outdoors, that I found it hard to keep in mind I was well underground.
It was at dinner that evening, when my hosts made such a nicely concerted effort to soothe my nervousness over my initial lecture, and largely succeeded, that I first began truly to like and even respect the Grissims.
It was at the same instant, in that pearly dining room, that I first became aware of the shadows around them.
Physical shadows? Hardly, though at times they really seemed that.
I recall thinking, my mind still chiefly on my lecture, something like, These good people are so wedded to the way of war, the perpetual little wars and the threat of the big one, and have been so successful in masking the signs of its strains in themselves, that they have almost forgotten that those strains are there. And they love their home and country, and the security of their taut way of life, so deeply that they have become unaware of the depth of that devotion.
My lecture went off well that night. The audience was large, respectful, and seemingly even attentive. The number of African and Mexican faces gave the lie to what I"d been told about integration being a sham in America. I should have been pleased, and I temporarily was, at the long, mutedly drumming applause I was given and at the many intelligent, flattering comments I received afterward. And I should have stopped seeing the shadows then, but I didn"t.
Next morning Emily toured me around city and countryside on a long silvery scooter, I riding pillion behind her. I remember the easy though faintly formal way in which she drew my arms around her waist and laid her hand for a moment on one of mine, meanwhile smiling cryptically over-shoulder. Besides that smile, I remember a charming Spanish-American graveyard in pastel stucco, the towering Kennedy shrine, the bubbling, iridescent tubes of algae farming converging toward the horizon, and rockets taking off in the distance with their bright, smokeless exhausts. Emily was almost as unaffected as a British girl and infinitely more competent, in a grand style. That one day the shadows vanished altogether.
They returned at evening when after dinner we gathered in the living room for our first wholly unhurried and relaxed conversation, my lectures being s.p.a.ced out in a leisurely-to Americans, not to me-one day in two schedule.
We sat in a comfortable arc before the wide fireplace, where resinous woods burned yellow and orange. Occasionally Jack would put on another log. From time to time, a light shower of soot dropped back from the precipitron in the chimney, the tiny particles as they fell flaring into brief white points of light, like stars.
A little to my surprise, the Grissims drank as heavily as the English, though they carried their liquor very well. Emily was the exception to this family pattern, contenting herself with a little sherry and three long, slim reefers, which she drew from an elegant foil package covered with gold script and Lissajous curves, and which she inhaled sippingly, her lips rapidly shuddering with a very faint, low, trilling sound.
Professor Grissim set the pattern by deprecating the reasons for America"s domestic achievements, which I had led off by admitting were far greater than I"d expected. They weren"t due to any peculiar American drive, he said, and certainly not to any superior moral fiber, but simply to technology and computerized civilization given their full head and unstinting support. The powerful sweep of those two almost mathematical forces had automatically solved such problems as overpopulation, by effortless and aesthetic contraception, and stagnant or warped brain potential, by unlimited semiautomated education and psychiatry-just as on a smaller scale the drug problem had largely been resolved by the legalization of marijuana and peyote, following the simple principle of restricting only the sale of quickly addictive chemicals and those provably damaging to nervous tissue- "Control the poisons, but let each person learn to control his intoxicants, especially now that we have metabolic rectifiers for the congenitally alcoholic."
I was also told that American extremism, both of the right and left, which had seemed such a big thing in mid-century, had largely withered away or at least been muted by the great surge of the same forces which were making America ever more beautiful and prosperous. Gties were no longer warrens of discontent. Peace marches and Minutemen rallies alike, culminating in the late sixties, had thereafter steadily declined.
While impressed, I did not fall into line, but tried to point out some black holes in this glowing picture. Indeed, feeling at home with the Grissims now and having learned that nothing I could say would shock them into anger and confusion, I was able to be myself fully and to reveal frankly my anti-American ideas, though of course more politely and, I hoped, more tellingly than yesterday-it seemed an age ago -driving from the rocketport.
In particular, I argued that many or most Americans were motivated by a subtle, even sophisticated puritanism, which made them feel that the world was not safe unless they were its moral arbiters, and that this puritanism was ultimately based on the same swollen concern about property and money- industry, hi its moral sense- that one found in the Swiss and Scottish Presbyterians and most of the early Protestants.
"You"re puritans with a great deal of style and restraint and wide vision," I said. "Yet you"re puritans just the same, even though your Puritanism is light years away from that of the Ma.s.sachusetts theo-crats and the harsh rule Calvin tried to impose on Geneva. In fact," I added uncautiously, "your puritanism is not so much North European as Roman."
Smiles crinkled briefly at that and I kicked myself for having myself introduced into the conversation that hackneyed comparison.
At this point Emily animatedly yet coolly took up the argument for America, pointing out the nation"s growing tolerance and aesthe-ticism, historically distinguishing Puritanism from Calvinism, and also reminding me that the Chinese and Russians were far more puritanical than any other peoples on the globe-and not in a sophisticated or subtle way either.
I fought back, as by citing the different impression I"d got of the Russians during my visits in the Soviet Union and by relaying the reports of close colleagues who had spent time in China. But on the whole Emily had the best of me. And this was only partly due to the fact that the longer I sparred with her verbally, the less concerned I became to win my argument, and the more to break her calm and elicit some sharp emotional reaction from her, to see that pale skin flush, to make those reefer-serene eyes blaze with anger. But I wasn"t successful there either.
At one point Jack came to her aid, mildly demonstrating for American broad-mindedness by describing to us some of the pleasure cities of southern Asia he"d visited on R.&R.
"Bangkok"s a dismal place now, of course," he began by admitting, "with the Com-g"rillas raiding up to and even into it, and full of fenced-off bombed and b.o.o.by-trapped areas. Very much like the old descriptions of Saigon la the sixties. As you walk down the pot-holed streets, you listen for the insect hum of a wandering antipersonnel missile seeking human heat, or the faint flap-flap of an infiltrator coming down on a whirligig parachute. You brace your thoughts against the psychedelic strike of a mind-bomb. Out of the black alley ahead there may charge a fifty-foot steel centipede, the remote-controlled sort we use for jungle fighting, captured by the enemy and jiggered to renegade.
"But most of old Bangkok"s attractive features-and the entrepreneurs and girls and other entertainers that go with them-have been transferred en ma.s.se to Kandy and Trincomalee in Ceylon." And he went on to describe the gaily orgiastic lounges and bars, the fresh pastel colors, the spicy foods and subtly potent drinks, the clean little laughing harlots supporting their families well during the ten years of their working life between fifteen and twenty-five, the gilded temples, the slim dancers with movements stylized as their black eyebrows, the priests robed in orange and yellow.
I tried to fault him in my mind for being patronizing, but without much success.
"Buddhism"s an attractive way of life," he finished, "except that it doesn"t know how to wage war. But if you"re looking only for nirvana, I guess you don"t need to know that." For an instant his tough face grew bleak, as if he could do with a spot of nirvana himself, and the shadows gathered around him and the others more thickly.
During the following off-lecture evenings we kept up our fireplace talks and Emily and I returned more than once to our debate over puritanism, while the rest listened to us with faint, benevolent smiles, that at times seemed almost knowing. She regularly defeated me.
Then on the sixth night she delivered her crowning argument, or celebrated her victory, or perhaps merely followed an impulse. I had just settled myself in bed when the indirect lightning of my "doorbell" flooded the room with brief flashes, coming at three-second intervals, of a rather ghastly white light. Blinking, I fumbled on the bedside table for the remote control of the room"s appliances, including tri-V and door, and thumbed the b.u.t.ton for the latter.
The door moved aside and there, silhouetted against the faint glow of the hall, was the dark figure of Emily, like a living shadow. She kept her finger, however, on the b.u.t.ton long enough for two more silent flashes to illuminate her briefly. She was wearing a narrow kimono-Jack"s newest gift, she later told me -and her platinum hair, combed straight down like an unrippling waterfall, almost exactly matched the silvery, pale gray silk. Without quite overdoing it, she had made up her face somewhat like a temple dancer"s-pale powder, almost white; narrow slanting brows, almost black; green eye-shadow with a pinch of silvery glitter; and the not-quite-jarring sensual note of crimson lips.
She did not come into my room, but after a pause during which I sat up jerkily and she became again a shadow, she beckoned to me.
I s.n.a.t.c.hed up my dressing gown and followed her as she moved noiselessly down the hall. My throat was dry and constricted, my heart was pounding a little, with apprehension as well as excitement. I realized that despite my near week with the Grissims, a part of my mind was still thinking of the professor and his wife as a strait-laced colonel and his lady from a century ago, when so many retired army officers lived in villas around San Antonio, as they do now too around the Dallas-Ft. Worth metropolitan area.
Emily"s bedroom was not the austere silver cell or self-shrine I had sometimes imagined, especially when she was scoring a point against me, but an almost cluttered museum-workshop of present interests and personal memorabilia. She"d even kept her kindergarten study-machine, her first CO2 pistol, and a hockey stick, along with mementos from her college days and her Peace Corps tours.
But those I noticed much later. Now pale golden light from a rising full moon, coming through the great view window, brimmed the room. I had just enough of my wits left to recall that the real moon was new, so that this must be a tape of some past night. I never even thought of the Communist and American forts up there, with their bombs earmarked for Earth. Then, standing straight and tall and looking me full in the eyes, like some Amazonian athlete, or Phryne before her judges, Emily let her kimono glide down from her shoulders.
In the act of love she was energetic, but tender. No, the word is courteous, I think. I very happily shed a week of tensions and uncertainties and self-inflicted humiliations.
"You still think I"m a puritan, don"t you?" she softly asked me afterward, smiling at me sideways with the smeared remains of her crimson mouth, her gray eyes enigmatic blurs of shadow.
"Yes, I do," I told her forthrightly. "The puritan playing the hetaera, but still the puritan."
She answered lazily, "I think you like to play the Hun raping the vestal virgin."
That made me talk dirty to her. She listened attentively-almost famishedly, I thought, for a bit-but her final comment was "You do that very well, dear," just before using her lips to stop mine, which would otherwise have sulphurously cursed her insufferable poise.
Next morning I started to write a poem about her but got lost in a.n.a.lysis and speculation. Tried too soon, I thought.
Although they were as gracious and friendly as ever, I got the impression that the other Grissims had quickly become aware of the change in Emily"s and my relationship. Perhaps it was that they showed a slight extra fondness toward me. I don"t know how they guessed-Emily was as cool as always in front of them, while I kept trying to play myself, as before. Perhaps it was that the argument about puritanism was never resumed.
Two evenings afterward the talk came around to Jack"s and Emily"s elder brother Jeff, who had fallen during the Great Retreat from Jammu and Kashmir to Baluchistan. It was mentioned that during his last furlough they had been putting up an exchange instructor from Yugoslavia, a highly talented young sculptress. I gathered that she and Jeff had been quite close.
"I"m glad Jeff knew her love," Emily"s mother said calmly, a tear behind her voice, though not on her cheeks. "I"m very glad he had that." The professor un.o.btrusively put his hand on hers.
I fancied that this remark was directed at me and was her way of giving her blessing to Emily"s and my affair. I was touched and at the same time irritated-and also irritated at myself for feeling irritated. Her remark had brought back the sahdows, which darkened further when Jack said a touch grimly and for once with a soldier"s callousness, though grinning at me to remove any possible offense, "Remember not tp board any more lady artists or professors, mother, at least when I"m on leave. Bad luck."
By now I was distinctly bothered by my poetry block. The last lectures were going swimmingly and I ought to have been feeling creative, but I wasn"t. Or rather, I was feeling creative but I couldn"t create. I had also begun to notice the way I was fitting myself to the Grissim family-muting myself, despite all the easiness among us. I couldn"t help wondering if there weren"t a connection between the two things. I had received the instructorship offer, but was delaying my final answer.
After we made love together that night-under a sinking crescent moon, the real night this time, repeated from above-I told Emily about my first trouble only. She pressed my hand. "Never stop writing poetry, dear," she said. "America needs poetry. This family-"
That broken sentence was as close as we ever got to talking about marriage. Emily immediately recovered herself with an uncharacteristically ribald "Cheer up. I don"t even charge a poem for admission."
Instead of responding to that cue, I worried my subject. "I should be able to write poetry here," I said. "America is beautiful, the great golden apple of the Hesperides, hanging in the west like the setting sun. But there"s a worm in the core of that apple, a great scaly black dragon."
When Emily didn"t ask a question, I went on, "I remember an advertis.e.m.e.nt. "Join all your little debts into one big debt." Of course, they didn"t put it so baldly, they made it sound wonderful. But you Americans are like that. You"ve collected all your angers into one big anger. You"ve removed your angers from things at home-where you seem to have solved your problems very well, I must admit- and directed those angers at the Communist League. Or instead of angers, I could say fears. Same thing." *
Emily still didn"t comment, so I continued, "Take the basic neurotic. He sets up a program of perfection for himself-a thousand obligations, a thousand ambitions. As long as he works his program, fulfilling those obligations and ambitions, he does very well. In fact, he"s apt to seem like a genius of achievement to those around him, as America does to me. But there"s one big problem he always keeps out of his program and buries deep in his unconscious-the question of who he really is and what he really wants -and in the end it always throws him."
Then at last Emily said, speaking softly at first, "There"s something I should tell you, dear. Although I talk a lot of it from the top of my mind, deep down I loathe discussing politics and international relations. As my old colonel used to tell me, "It doesn"t matter much which side you fight on, Emily, so long as you have the courage to stand up and be counted. You pledge your life, your fortune, and your sacred honor, and you live up to that pledge!" And now, dear, I want to sleep."
Crouching on the edge of her bed before returning to my room, and listening to her breathing regularize itself, I thought, "Yes, you"re looking for nirvana too. Like Jack." But I didn"t wake her to say it, or any of the other things that were boiling up in my brain.
Yet the things I left unsaid must have stayed and worked in my mind, for at our next fireside talk-four pleasant Americans, one Englishman with only one more lecture to go-I found myself launched into a rather long account of the academic Russian family I stayed with while delivering the Pushkin Lectures in Leningrad, where the smog and the minorities problems have been licked too. I stressed the Rosanovs" gentility, their friendliness, the tolerance and sophistication which had replaced the old rigid insistence on kulturny behavior, and also the faint melancholy underlying and somehow vitiating all they said. In short, I did everything I knew to underline their similarity to the Grissims. I ended by saying "Professor Grissim, the first night we talked, you said America"s achievement had been due almost entirely to the sweep of science, technology, and computerized civilization. The people of the Communist League believe that too-hi fact, they made their declaration of faith earlier than America."
"It"s very strange," he mused, nodding. "So like, yet so unlike. Almost as if the chemical atoms of the East were subtly different from those of the West. The very electrons-"
"Professor, you don"t actually think-"
"Of course not. A metaphor only."
But whatever he thought, I don"t believe he felt it only as a metaphor.
Emily said sharply to me, "You left out one more similarity, the most important That they hate the Enemy with all their hearts and will never trust or understand him."
I couldn"t find an honest and complete answer to that, though I tried.
The next day I made one more attempt to turn my feelings into poetry, dark poetry, and I failed. I made my refusal of the instructor-ship final, confirmed my reservation on the Dallas-London rocket for day after tomorrow, and delivered the last of the Lanier Lectures.