I was eighteen, visiting my grandmother, and the night train stopped at Deoli. A girl came down the platform, selling baskets.
It was a cold morning and the girl had a shawl thrown across her shoulders. Her feet were bare and her clothes were old, but she was a young girl, walking gracefully and with dignity.
When she came to my window, she stopped. She saw that I was looking at her intently, but at first she pretended not to notice. She had a pale skin, set off by shiny black hair, and dark, troubled eyes. And then those eyes, searching and eloquent, met mine.
She stood by my window for some time and neither of us said anything. But when she moved on, I found myself leaving my seat and going to the carriage door, and stood waiting on the platform, looking the other way. I walked across to the tea-stall. A kettle was boiling over on a small fire, but the owner of the stall was busy serving tea somewhere on the train. The girl followed me behind the stall.
"Do you want to buy a basket?" she asked. "They are very strong, made of the finest cane. . . ."
"No," I said, "I don"t want a basket."
We stood looking at each other for what seemed a very long time, and she said, "Are you sure you don"t want a basket?"
"All right, give me one," I said, and I took the one on top and gave her a rupee, hardly daring to touch her fingers.
As she was about to speak, the guard blew his whistle; she said something, but it was lost in the clanging of the bell and the hissing of the engine. I had to run back to my compartment. The carriage shuddered and jolted forward.
I watched her as the platform slipped away. She was alone on the platform and she did not move, but she was looking at me and smiling. I watched her until the signal-box came in the way, and then the jungle hid the station, but I could still see her standing there alone. . . .
I sat up awake for the rest of the journey. I could not rid my mind of the picture of the girl"s face and her dark, smouldering eyes.
But when I reached Dehra the incident became blurred and distant, for there were other things to occupy my mind. It was only when I was making the return journey, two months later, that I remembered the girl.
I was looking out for her as the train drew into the station, and I felt an unexpected thrill when I saw her walking up the platform. I sprang off the footboard and waved to her.
When she saw me, she smiled. She was pleased that I remembered her. I was pleased that she remembered me. We were both pleased, and it was almost like a meeting of old friends.
She did not go down the length of the train selling baskets, but came straight to the tea-stall; her dark eyes were suddenly filled with light. We said nothing for some time but we couldn"t have been more eloquent.
I felt the impulse to put her on the train there and then, and take her away with me; I could not bear the thought of having to watch her recede into the distance of Deoli station. I took the baskets from her hand and put them down on the ground. She put out her hand for one of them, but I caught her hand and held it.
"I have to go to Delhi," I said.
She nodded, "I do not have to go anywhere.
The guard blew his whistle for the train to leave and how I hated the guard for doing that.
"I will come again," I said. "Will you be here?"
She nodded again, and, as she nodded, the bell clanged and the train slid forward. I had to wrench my hand away from the girl and run for the moving train.
This time I did not forget her. She was with me for the remainder of the journey, and for long after. All that year she was a bright, living thing. And when the college term finished I packed in haste and left for Dehra earlier than usual. My grandmother would be pleased at my eagerness to see her.
I was nervous and anxious as the train drew into Deoli, because I was wondering what I should say to the girl and what I should do. I was determined that I wouldn"t stand helplessly before her, hardly able to speak or do anything about my feelings.
The train came to Deoli, and I looked up and down the platform, but I could not see the girl anywhere.
I opened the door and stepped off the footboard. I was deeply disappointed, and overcome by a sense of foreboding. I felt I had to do something, and so I ran up to the Stationmaster and said, "Do you know the girl who used to sell baskets here?"
"No, I don"t," said the Stationmaster. "And you"d better get on the train if you don"t want to be left behind."
But I paced up and down the platform, and stared over the railings at the station yard; all I saw was a mango tree and a dusty road leading into the jungle. Where did the road go? The train was moving out of the station, and I had to run up the platform and jump for the door of my compartment. Then, as the train gathered speed and rushed through the forests, I sat brooding in front of the window.
What could I do about finding a girl I had seen only twice, who had hardly spoken to me, and about whom I knew nothing-absolutely nothing-but for whom I felt a tenderness and responsibility that I had never felt before?
My grandmother was not pleased with my visit after all, because I didn"t stay at her place more than a couple of weeks. I felt restless and ill at ease. So I took the train back to the plains, meaning to ask further questions of the Stationmaster at Deoli.
But at Deoli there was a new Stationmaster. The previous man had been transferred to another post within the past week. The new man didn"t know anything about the girl who sold baskets. I found the owner of the tea-stall, a small, shrivelled-up man, wearing greasy clothes, and asked him if he knew anything about the girl with the baskets.
"Yes, there was such a girl here, I remember quite well," he said. "But she has stopped coming now."
"Why?" I asked. "What happened to her?"
"How should I know?" said the man. "She was nothing to me."
And once again I had to run for the train.
As Deoli platform receded, I decided that one day I would have to break journey there, spend a day in the town, make enquiries, and find the girl who had stolen my heart with nothing but a look from her dark, impatient eyes.
With this thought I consoled myself throughout my last term in college. I went to Dehra again in the summer and when, in the early hours of the morning, the night train drew into Deoli station, I looked up and down the platform for signs of the girl, knowing I wouldn"t find her but hoping just the same.
Somehow, I couldn"t bring myself to break journey at Deoli and spend a day there. (If it was all fiction or a film, I reflected, I would have got down and cleaned up the mystery and reached a suitable ending for the whole thing). I think I was afraid to do this. I was afraid of discovering what really happened to the girl. Perhaps she was no longer in Deoli, perhaps she was married, perhaps she had fallen ill. . . .
In the last few years I have pa.s.sed through Deoli many times, and I always look out of the carriage window, half expecting to see the same unchanged face smiling up at me. I wonder what happens in Deoli, behind the station walls. But I will never break my journey there. It may spoil my game. I prefer to keep hoping and dreaming, and looking out of the window up and down that lonely platform, waiting for the girl with the baskets.
I never break my journey at Deoli, but I pa.s.s through as often as I can.
The Photograph.
I was ten years old. My grandmother sat on the string bed, under the mango tree. It was late summer and there were sunflowers in the garden and a warm wind in the trees. My grandmother was knitting a woollen scarf for the winter months. She was very old, dressed in a plain white sari; her eyes were not very strong now, but her fingers moved quickly with the needles, and the needles kept clicking all afternoon. Grandmother had white hair, but there were very few wrinkles on her skin.
I had come home after playing cricket on the maidan. I had taken my meal, and now I was rummaging in a box of old books and family heirlooms that had just that day been brought out of the attic by my mother. Nothing in the box interested me very much, except for a book with colourful pictures of birds and b.u.t.terflies. I was going through the book, looking at the pictures, when I found a small photograph between the pages. It was a faded picture, a little yellow and foggy; it was a picture of a girl standing against a wall, and behind the wall there was nothing but sky; but from the other side a pair of hands reached up, as though someone was going to climb the wall. There were flowers growing near the girl, but I couldn"t tell what they were; there was a creeper too, but it was just a creeper.
I ran out into the garden. "Granny!" I shouted. "Look at this picture! I found it in the box of old things. Whose picture is it?"
I jumped on the bed beside my grandmother, and she walloped me on the bottom and said, "Now I"ve lost count of my st.i.tches, and the next time you do that I"ll make you finish the scarf yourself."
Granny was always threatening to teach me how to knit, which I thought was a disgraceful thing for a boy to do; it was a good deterrent for keeping me out of mischief. Once I had torn the drawing room curtains, and Granny had put a needle and thread in my hand and made me st.i.tch the curtain together, even though I make long, two-inch st.i.tches, which had to be taken out by my mother and done again.
She took the photograph from my hand, and we both stared at it for quite a long time. The girl had long, loose hair, and she wore a long dress that nearly covered her ankles, and sleeves that reached her wrists, and there were a lot of bangles on her hands; but, despite all this drapery, the girl appeared to be full of freedom and movement; she stood with her legs apart and her hands on her hips, and she had a wide, almost devilish smile on her face.
"Whose picture is it?" I asked.
"A little girl"s, of course," said Grandmother. "Can"t you tell?"
"Yes, but did you know the girl?"
"Yes, I knew her," said Granny, "but she was a very wicked girl and I shouldn"t tell you about her. But I"ll tell you about the photograph. It was taken in your grandfather"s house, about sixty years ago and that"s the garden wall, and over the wall there was a road going to town."
"Whose hands are they," I asked, "coming up from the other side?"
Grandmother squinted and looked closely at the picture, and shook her head. "It"s the first time I"ve noticed," she said. "That must have been the sweeper boy"s. Or maybe they were your grandfather"s."
"They don"t look like grandfather"s hands," I said. "His hands are all bony."
"Yes, but this was sixty years ago."
"Didn"t he climb up the wall, after the photo?"
"No, n.o.body climbed up. At least, I don"t remember."
"And you remember well, Granny."
"Yes, I remember. . . . I remember what is not in the photograph. It was a spring day, and there was a cool breeze blowing, nothing like this. Those flowers at the girl"s feet, they were marigolds, and the bougainvillaea creeper, it was a ma.s.s of purple. You cannot see these colours in the photo, and even if you could, as nowadays, you wouldn"t be able to smell the flowers or feel the breeze."
"And what about the girl?" I said. "Tell me about the girl."
"Well, she was a wicked girl," said Granny. "You don"t know the trouble they had getting her into those fine clothes she"s wearing."
"I think they are terrible clothes," I said.
"So did she. Most of the time, she hardly wore a thing. She used to go swimming in a muddy pool with a lot of ruffianly boys, and ride on the backs of buffaloes. No boy ever teased her, though, because she could kick and scratch and pull his hair out!"
"She looks like it too," I said. "You can tell by the way she"s smiling. At any moment something"s going to happen."
"Something did happen," said Granny. "Her mother wouldn"t let her take off the clothes afterwards, so she went swimming in them, and lay for half an hour in the mud."
I laughed heartily and Grandmother laughed too.
"Who was the girl?" I said. "You must tell me who she was."
"No, that wouldn"t do," said Grandmother, but I pretended I didn"t know. I knew, because Grandmother still smiled in the same way, even though she didn"t have as many teeth.
"Come on, Granny," I said, "tell me, tell me."
But Grandmother shook her head and carried on with the knitting; and I held the photograph in my hand looking from it to my grandmother and back again, trying to find points in common between the old lady and the little pig-tailed girl. A lemon-coloured b.u.t.terfly settled on the end of Grandmother"s knitting needle, and stayed there while the needles clicked away. I made a grab at the b.u.t.terfly, and it flew off in a dipping flight and settled on a sunflower.
"I wonder whose hands they were," whispered Grandmother to herself, with her head bowed, and her needles clicking away in the soft warm silence of that summer afternoon.
My First Love.
Ayah, my childhood governess, was my first love. She was thirty and I was six. She was a tall, broad-limbed woman, and in my view extremely handsome. The west- coast fishing community to which she belonged, and the Arab and African blood she had inherited, were partly responsible for her magnificent build and colourful personality. Occasionally when one of my parents" guests called her ugly without really taking a proper look at her, I would exclaim, "No she is beautiful!" The vehemence of my reply would disconcert the guests and embarra.s.s my parents.
We lived in a small Indian State on the Kathiawar coast, where my father had a job as guardian-tutor for the Maharaja"s children. He conducted a small school in a corner of the palace, and was fully occupied most of the day. My mother would frequently be visiting other Anglo-Indian families. And I, being considered too much of a menace to be taken to other people"s houses, was left in the charge of Ayah.
Most children who saw Ayah drew away from her in fright. Her size, her wrestler"s arms, her broad quivering hips, were at first disconcerting to a child. She had thick, crinkly hair and teeth stained red with the juice of innumerable paan-leaves. Her hands were rough and heavy, as I knew from the number of times she had brought them down on my bottom. When she was angry, her face resembled a menacing thundercloud; but when she smiled with pleasure it was as though the sun had just emerged, lighting up her features with a great dazzle. Ayah frequently beat me, but soon afterwards she would be overcome by remorse, and then she would take me in her strong arms and plant heavy wet kisses on my eyes and cheeks and mouth. She was in love with my soft white skin, and often made believe that I was her own child, pressing my face to her great b.r.e.a.s.t.s, bathing and dressing me with infinite tenderness, and defending me against everyone, including my parents.
Sometimes, when my parents were out, I would insist that she bathe with me. We would wallow together in the long marble tub; I, small, pink and podgy; and Ayah, like a benevolent hippopotamus, causing the bath-tub to overflow. She scrubbed and soaped me, while I relaxed and enjoyed the sensation of her rough hands moving over my back and tummy. And then, before she could heave herself out of the tub, I would leap from the water and charge out of the bathroom without my clothes. Ayah would come flapping after me, a sheet tied hurriedly about her waist; and we would race through the rooms until finally she caught up with me, gave me several resounding slaps, watched me burst into tears, and then break down herself and take me to her comfortable bosom.
Ayah taught me many things. One of these was the eating of paan-a betel leaf containing lime, finely-cut areca nut, and some cardamom.
It was the scarlet tinge in the mouth which came from eating paan that appealed most to me. I did not care much for the taste, which was bitter, but I was fascinated by the red juice which Ayah was able to spit so accurately about the garden. When my parents were out, she would share her paan with me, and we would sit in the kitchen and gossip with the cook. Before my parents came home, Ayah would make me rinse my mouth with warm water, and with her rough fingers she would scrub my teeth clean.
A number of snakes lived in the old walls surrounding both our bungalow and the palace grounds. They seldom ventured into the house, but when they did, Ayah was against killing them. She always maintained that they would not harm us provided we left them alone.
She once told me the story of a snake who married a poor but beautiful girl. At first the girl very naturally did not wish to marry the snake, whom she had met in a forest. But the snake insisted, saying, "I will kill you if you refuse," which of course left her with no alternative. Then the snake led his bride away, and took her to a great treasure. "I was a prince in my former life," explained the snake, "and this is my treasure. Now it is all yours." And then he very gallantly disappeared.
"Which goes to show that even snakes are good at heart," said Ayah.
Sometimes she would leave a saucer of milk beneath an old peepul tree, and once I saw a young cobra glide up to the saucer and finish the milk. When I told Ayah about this, she was a little perturbed, and said she had actually left the milk out for the spirits who lived in the peepul tree.
"I haven"t seen any spirits in the tree," I told her.
"And I hope you never will, my son," said Ayah. "But they are there all the same. If you happen to be standing beneath the tree after dark, and feel like yawning don"t forget to snap your fingers in front of your mouth, otherwise the spirit will jump down your throat."
"And what if it does?" I asked.
For a moment Ayah was at a loss for an answer; then she brightened and said, "It will probably upset your tummy."
The peepul was a cool tree to sit beneath. Its heart-shaped leaves spun round in the faintest breeze, sending currents of cool air down from its branches. The leaf itself was likened by Ayah to the perfect male torso-a broad chest tapering down to a very slim waist-and she told me I ought to be built that way when I grew up.
One day we strayed into the ruined palace, which had turrets and towers and winding pa.s.sageways. And there we found a room with many small windows, each window-pane set with coloured gla.s.s. I was often to spend hours in this room, gazing out at the palace and lake and gardens through the coloured window-panes. When the sun came through the windows, the entire room was suffused with beams of red and gold and green and purple light, playing on the walls and on my face and clothes.
The State had a busy little port, and Arab dhows sailed to and fro across the Gulf of Kutch. My father was friendly with the captain of a steamer making trips to Aden and back. The captain was a jovial, whisky-drinking Scotsman, who stuffed me with chocolates and suggested that I join the crew of his ship. The idea appealed to me, and I made elaborate plans for the voyage, only to discover one day when I went down to the docks that the ship had sailed away forever.
Ayah was more dependable. She hated seeing me disappointed. When I told her about the treachery of Captain MacWhir she consoled me with the promise of a ride in a tonga-a two-wheeled horse-drawn buggy. Apparently she had a friend who plied a tonga in the bazaar.
He came the next day, a young man sporting an orange waistcoat and a magnificent moustache. His name was Bansi Lal. Ayah put me on the front seat beside him, while she sat at the back to try and maintain some sort of equilibrium. We went out of the gate at a brisk trot, but as soon as we were on the open road circling the lake, Bansi Lal lashed his horse into a gallop, and we went tearing along the road at a furious and exhilarating pace. Ayah shouted to her friend to slow down, and I shouted to him to go faster. He grinned at both of us while a devil danced in his eyes, and he cracked his whip and called endearments to both Ayah and his horse.
When finally we reached open country, he slowed down and brought the tonga to rest in a mango-grove. Ayah struggled out and, after berating Bansi Lal, sank down on the gra.s.s while I went off to explore the mango-grove. The fruit on the trees was as yet unripe, but the crows and mynahs had already begun to feast on the mangoes. I wandered about for some time, returning to the clearing by a different route to find Ayah and Bansi Lal embracing each other. Ayah had her back to me, but the tonga-driver had a rapt, rather funny expression on his face. This changed to a look of confusion when he saw me watching them with undisguised curiosity, and he got up hurriedly, fumbling with his pyjama-strings. I threw myself gaily upon Ayah and asked her what she had been doing; but for once she gave me an evasive reply. I don"t think the incident had any immediate effect on my innocence, but as I grew older I found myself looking back on it with a certain amount of awe.
Both Ayah and I-for different reasons, as it turned out-began looking forward to our weekly tonga rides. Bansi Lal took us to some very lonely places-scrub-jungle or ruins or abandoned brick-kilns-and he and Ayah were extraordinarily tolerant of where I wandered during these excursions.
But the tonga-rides really meant the end of my affair with Ayah. One day she informed my parents that she intended marrying Bansi Lal and going away with him. While my parents considered this a perfectly natural desire on Ayah"s part, I looked upon it as an act of base treachery. For several days I went about the house in a rebellious and sulky mood, refusing to speak to Ayah no matter how much she coaxed and petted me.
On Ayah"s last day with us, Bansi Lal arrived in his tonga to take her away. He had painted the woodwork, scrubbed his horse down, and changed his orange waistcoat for a green one. He gave me a cheerful salaam, but I scowled darkly at him from the veranda steps, and he looked guiltily away.